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Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

[ - ] s/o of my earlier post about a friend recruiting your direct reports. If you had a 'friend' who was doing that, and you knew, would you say anything to the friend? Or just ghost going forward? so confused by the situation. 6 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:28 AM Flag
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I run my own business and Id rip that person a new one. No confusion whatsoever [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:31 AM Flag
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I'd ghost and block completely. I run a business and if any of my friends tried to recruit a good employee I would do whatever to win back that employee and probably go scorched earth on the "Friend" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:40 AM Flag
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but i want him to know that that is why - i think he prob assumes i don't know. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:59 AM Flag
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then he's an idiot and will fail regardless. I would keep my distance because what is the outcome you're seeking by telling him? In your situation my desired outcome would be to protect my business and myself, talking to this idiot is of no benefit to me and makes me look bad/petty, but letting others know he's a bad employer, has done X shitty stuff is just me being altruistic and trying to protect their interests. I know it sounds horrible but my employees are key to my business and a "friend" stealing my employee is the lowest of low. Also I hear that you want to vent, you want justice etc - vent by posting on UB or writing a private journal. Get revenge by living well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:19 AM Flag
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love this. good advice i need to remind myself of! esp the last sentence. ty. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:28 AM Flag
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:) gl! <3 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:30 AM Flag
[ - ] Talk me down, caught 11 yo's youtube search history. He is looking up videos on sex and using the crude terms for things and also making complimentary comments on a few transgender women's makeup videos. I fear he watched anime sex and a few porn videos that got through filters. WWYD? 16 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:16 AM Flag
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Talk to him. Cut back access to YouTube [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:18 AM Flag
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I am probably the dumbest parent on the planet but I am shocked he used the F word and "porn". I don't want him to feel punished but he has a newish ipad and he changed the password and removed me but we share e-mail so I could still see what he was up to. I just spoke with him, kindly, about safety, because he was commenting on some live streams, and he was white as a ghost. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:33 AM Flag
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I talked with my brother about this b/c he shared that he had a really early intro to pornography as a kid in the 90s and he said it really messed with his head because of how violent, nonconsensual, and unrealistic most of the porn that circulates is. Commonsense Media is my go-to and they have a list of advice: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sex-in-the-media/how-do-i-talk-to-my-kid-about-internet-porn. For counterprogramming about realistic and consensual intimacy, I would redirect the kid to scarleteen.com. They also put out a really good sex ed comic book called "Wait, what? A comic book guide to Relationships, Bodies, and Growing Up" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:50 AM Flag
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https://bookshop.org/books/wait-what-a-comic-book-guide-to-relationships-bodies-and-growing-up/9781620106594 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:50 AM Flag
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Thanks I bought this book but shudder about what he's already looked at. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:34 AM Flag
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He was white as a ghost because you discovered his secret age-appropriate behavior? You don't want him to feel punished. Please check your own feelings. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:18 AM Flag
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I love the UB responses that try to shame me by quoting me back at myself. Reminds me of my abusive ex. That is one of his tactics as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:31 AM Flag
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He’s already been “punished”. He had to hear that his mom saw what he was looking at. That’s enough for now. Make him give you the password to his iPad and if he locks you out again, the iPad is yours. He’s going to explore stuff he hears at school. I’m old and didn’t have computers. I didn’t understand why my peers thought “hoar” was such a cool naughty word to call people. I only had a dictionary. Maybe a male relative could talk with him if his dad isn’t around. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 11:30 AM Flag
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In my dc's school, kids were watching porn on their phones in 5th grade. You can't totally shield him from this. You need to have a number of conversations. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:40 AM Flag
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That’s awful [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:02 AM Flag
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DH blocked youtube on all of DS's devices when DS tried to convince us that the earth was flat. It worked. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:41 AM Flag
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lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:50 AM Flag
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in the words of the pta meeting about online porn presented by a guest speaker, it's inevitable. the question is - do you want child to learn about sex from porn (sex = porn) or have talks with them (sex = complicated and it doesn't look like porn). if kids think sex is the porn stuff they see, they think it is a normal part of the act to get creamed all over their face, blow jobs, etc... the presenter said one of the most deflating ways for them to view porn is to understand how the actresses are paid. there is an escalating dollar figure for each increasingly unpleasant act. there is good sex, and there is bad sex and we have to teach them the difference. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:13 AM Flag
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wow I have toddler DS's and this is a great point. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:21 AM Flag
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DH - Boys will do that; it used to be limited to dirty magazines. If you haven't discussed internet safety yet, it's time to start. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:19 PM Flag
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^^and also discuss respect. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:04 PM Flag
[ - ] Anyone not go back after maternity leave? I’m supposed to go back Monday but just got a job offer I want to take. Think I’ll have to repay current company for May leave? 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:13 AM Flag
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OP- Mat leave - sorry, autocorrect. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:14 AM Flag
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I wouldn't think you would? I wish I could go back and take more leave than I did. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:17 AM Flag
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no mat leave is your right. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:23 AM Flag
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Unpaid mat leave is your right. She needs to check her company policies [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:45 AM Flag
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I started interviewing during my first mat leave, got an offer and quit my job about 6 weeks after returning from mat leave. It was an incredibly awkward conversation when I quit, and they tried to bid me back, but then I was out and had a better job. Of course I felt guilty, but not guilty enough to throw away an excellent opportunity. No regrets. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:48 AM Flag
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the company should've given you the opportunity you deserved if they wanted to keep you on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:21 AM Flag
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At my company (large and well known), if you take paid maternity leave and don’t come back, they don’t pay you out for the vacation you accrued (up to the leave amount). However, if the amount of maternity leave exceeded your accrued paid vacation, you don’t have to pay back extra. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:57 AM Flag
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Someone I hired for my office. She showed up visibly pregnant on the first day of work. On the second told me she would need maternity leave in a few months but would only be out two months. Never came back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:43 AM Flag
[ - ] Okay, this is really awkward. DH and I are splitting up but quarantining in the same house for the time being. We share an Amazon Prime account and I got a notification that he placed an order for condoms. Omg. 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:05 AM Flag
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then how are you quarantining? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:09 AM Flag
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I guess he plans to use them when NYC enters in Phase 2. Lol. I don't know- trying not to think about the details!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:19 AM Flag
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You should order some too ;) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:32 AM Flag
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I think I will and not say anything and just let him receive the notification. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:42 AM Flag
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When my sister and her DH were splitting up, he used their shared credit card to join a dating site. The whole point is to be in your face about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:42 AM Flag
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Wow. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:44 AM Flag
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Be glad he's responsible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:24 AM Flag
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Just stop sharing the account already of you are splitting up [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 05:08 AM Flag
[ - ] NYC moms who have done a major apartment or townhouse renovation- what was your architects fee and total project cost? We were just quoted $95,000 architects fee with no quote for construction and materials cost no idea if this is unreasonable, normal, or a great deal. 21 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:30 AM Flag
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How big is project? Are you only doing 1 bath or much Ltd? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:47 AM Flag
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renovating two floors of a small (2500 square foot) townhouse and adding an elevator that will be in the back courtyard and add additional square footage to the house. Elevator will go from ground floor to roof (4 stories) we are adding a full bath that will abut an exciting powder room but we are not majorly renovating the kitchen. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:49 AM Flag
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this is a big renovation especially with the elevator and adding SF, and BTW, 2500sf isn't small. If the TH isn't in pristine shape, there could be a lot of unknowns that will need to be addressed (ie, plumbing and electrical). You should get other quotes from other architects to compare. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:01 AM Flag
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Thank you!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:51 AM Flag
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It sounds like the majority of the work is permit filings for footprint expansion, elevator, new plumbing. Some structural filing may be involved for that elevator. A good portion of the fee is going towards that pushing that paperwork. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:22 AM Flag
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Architects usually quote as a percentage of the total project cost. Is that what you got? Unless the Architect is also going to do the "build" part of the project, there they really can't get you a total project cost, since they aren't building the project. Only the contractor can get you that number (which includes the material and labor costs). It sounds like you might need a project manager, or learn to communicate really clearly with the parties involved with your project since it's a hard process. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:52 AM Flag
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I'm guessing the 95K is the estimate for how much they think the project will be total. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:54 AM Flag
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It’s definitely just his fee! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:51 AM Flag
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ours was 18% of the project total cost I believe [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:55 AM Flag
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If that’s correct, $500k seems fair for the total scope of work [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:52 AM Flag
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We had a gut renovation for an apt that’s around 2000 sq ft and was charged a flat fee that’s about 10% of your fee. It was not a percentage of our project cost. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:10 AM Flag
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Did you have anything structural though? We are adding an elevator so they’ll need to dig into the ground etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:52 AM Flag
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No structural changes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:05 AM Flag
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Architect is giving you his fee estimate. It is usually based on cost per sq foot, lump sum ( to be worth his time ) or percentage of construction costs, a variable between 10-20% depending on the architect’s reputation or construction costs. The smaller the project, the higher the percentage. You need to be clear of the services he is providing, go to the AIA website and read the Owner Architect contract . [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:17 AM Flag
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Thank you!! Is this a small or large project? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:54 AM Flag
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Will the architect also be your owners rep? Get a few quotes and also speak directly to their references. We’ve done a full brownstone restoration and a lot can go wrong. Make sure you want to spend the next year with this person [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:34 AM Flag
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They will be our owners rep as well! He is pretty well reputed. Not like Seldorf or Gehry but probably 1.5 steps down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:54 AM Flag
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Sounds like you are doing a relatively simple job and a decent architect could probably do it cheaper. Maybe 1.5 steps down from Gehry isn't enough if you are just doing basic renovations. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:08 AM Flag
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Agree [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:50 AM Flag
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Gehry is like international star-chiect and would not take a job like this. Seldorf maybe. If you are going this high end, then you are paying for detailed and coordinated design. I’m sure it will be beautiful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:50 AM Flag
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We did a major reno in Brooklyn, combining 2 apartments. We did some of the legwork ourselves to reduce costs but reno was still between $350K and $375K. Architect's fee was 20% of contractor's bid. Architect was def worth it for our work -- helped us think through dif designs, navigate issues with contractor. Added real costs but worth it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:04 PM Flag
[ - ] What’s bronxville like? Pros/cons of the area? 5 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:27 AM Flag
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following. this is the only town we would leave the city for. ive heard nothing but good things.... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 10:02 AM Flag
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If you are white and Catholic its nice. If not, I would think twice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 11:46 AM Flag
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I'm white, not Catholic and live in the Bronxville P.O. I find it to be more diverse than most people think it is. Love living in a house with a yard that is so close to NYC. Kids go to a hill school which is why we chose the P.O. over the village. Super easy drive to school and the city. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:45 PM Flag
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curious - do you pay bronxville taxes then? we are also considering moving there if DC gets into hill school but wouldnt want to pay the property taxes if going private [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.20, 01:01 AM Flag
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We pay Yonkers taxes which are much lower than Bronxville taxes. Beautiful neighborhood and have a large yard. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.20, 12:54 PM Flag
[ - ] I am looking for a therapist and am a first timer to therapy. What questions do you ask ask in initial call to determine fit?any tips on choosing a therapist welcome. 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:24 AM Flag
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Ask about their experience treating your presenting issue, what modalities they use (I would steer clear from anyone who uses the term “eclectic”), how long have they been doing online therapy, what platform do they use online and is it HIPAA compatible? See if the conversation flows, that they believe they can help you by giving you strategies you can use to feel better, and whether or not you believe they can help you. Best wishes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:08 AM Flag
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Ask what they think would be an appropriate goal in terms of duration of therapy for your particular issue(s). I would be a bit wary of anyone who will not verbalize any finite goal, even if just as a possibility. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:18 AM Flag
[ - ] Need some help narrowing down DD's safeties. DH just dropped the bomb that we should only be paying for $12k to $24k a year for everything, and she should be responsible for making up the rest. San Jose State and living at home would be less than $10k. UC Merced's calculator says it would be about $35,359 for someone from our household. University of Nevada said $27,177. Oregon Institute of Technology would be $29,588. And Washington State University would be $29,239. She thinks only two of these should be on her list. 14 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:14 AM Flag
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Do you agree with dh? Why was this "dropping a bomb?" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:22 AM Flag
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He'd always agreed we would pay for college before. He and my daughter have been fighting a lot, though, and she phoned in school for the second half of junior year, probably because it was pass/fail. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:25 AM Flag
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And? Depends what you can afford! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:25 AM Flag
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I know, that's why I added the estimated cost of attendance from their online calculators. :) I figured if I didn't do that, everyone would assume the two cheapest would be the in-state California schools, but UC Merced would actually be a really pricey safety school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:28 AM Flag
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^Also, to be clear, he specifically told me we can afford to pay the $30k-$40k cost of attendance for UCs, but he doesn't think we should spend that much. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:40 AM Flag
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So it sounds like you don't qualify for a Calgrant. Housing at the UCs is not cheap and it's not guaranteed so that 24K will be room and board only. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:03 AM Flag
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HHI is $21,500 over Calgrant A&C eligibility limits for our family size. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:40 AM Flag
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Start looking for merit aid. Sometimes privates offer more, my daughter got full merit at USC and BU and 15K a year from UC Berkeley. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:20 AM Flag
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It'll be a tough year to gauge merit ahead of time. She wasn't able to get a new test date before September. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:39 AM Flag
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Did you check all the WUE schools? Some of these are really decent and great prices if you live in 1 of the member states and CA is a member state. Do UCSC over UCMerced. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:31 AM Flag
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UCSC is not a safety, but Merced would be. And yes, all the out of state schools I mentioned are WUE schools. She's also considering three other WUE schools, but they aren't safeties. New Mexico Tech is a reach, and University of Utah and SDSM&T are more like matches. UCSC and Riverside are also matches. CSU Fullerton was a match. I can't remember whether Long Beach was. San Diego State was a reach. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:48 AM Flag
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She should really think about how much money she is willing to borrow to attend these schools. I agree with your DH that she needs to have money on the table too. It is a way for her to feel vested in her own education and take that investment seriously. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:27 AM Flag
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She's only going to be able to borrow $5500 a year, and the amount she can earn with work is pretty damn limited. I'm not talking about sending her to a $70k a year private. Just a state school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:14 AM Flag
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you take the loans, when she graduates you sign them over to her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:02 PM Flag
[ - ] Why does it irk some of you if someone posted a question or scenario before? You have the option to scroll or collapse. How many of you post “you have posted before” just to get kicks? What is the purpose of posting that? 21 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:11 AM Flag
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Pot, meet kettle. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:14 AM Flag
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This always puzzles me, too. What if someone just wants to get a few more opinions? Big deal! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:15 AM Flag
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I completely agree [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:16 AM Flag
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They just prefer the person preface "posting again for the night crowd." Then they don't say anything about reposts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:19 AM Flag
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+1, I just keep scrolling [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:16 AM Flag
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There are miserable women on this board with nothing better to do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:17 AM Flag
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I do find it irksome when I take time from my day to offer advice and the same person asks the same question several different ways. Maybe I’m being irrational. But I would prefer if the poster simply owned that they were posting for another (morning or evening) crowd. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:54 AM Flag
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Agree, it feels like a pity party. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:19 AM Flag
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I only object when the person posts months later and their situation hasn’t changed at all. Like, why are you asking us for advice if you have no intention of taking it? Reminds me of annoying girls in college who took 9 months of constantly complaining to finally break up with their stupid boyfriends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:58 AM Flag
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I think I know the poster you are thinking of... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:07 AM Flag
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pp: I do feel bad for her, she needs help to get out of her relationship. I just don’t know how many times we can keep giving her the same advice- at some point it feels like just wasted breath! I just ignore her posts now. I realize I probably sound like an asshole. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:19 AM Flag
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No, I agree. I know it's hard. I think there might be undiagnosed anxiety also, which should be addressed/treated. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:23 AM Flag
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Yes, she needs professional help, not UB [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:46 AM Flag
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yep we all know her [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:22 AM Flag
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Is this about the mom whose boyfriend dumped her and she's bewildered? If so I feel sorry for her. It's a shit time to get dumped and to have the full narcissist experience is brutal [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:36 AM Flag
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No, not her. The person we are referring to has been asking the same question for years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 10:12 AM Flag
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I think this is about the 51yo mom in the midwest with an asshole DH [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 10:46 AM Flag
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I take some of them as "I hear you and am paying attention to your story". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:15 AM Flag
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Those are nice responses. It would be great if the responder would be clear about that. The OP would be grateful in that instance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:37 AM Flag
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I think this really only happens when you have an OP who clearly doesn't want to listen to the advice given. You know the type of thread, where the OP needs some tough love or has a question with am obvious answer and 25 responders agree but they just argue back and only engage the one responder who tells them what they want to hear. It's annoying when that kind of OP then posts the same question again and usually the second time they try to reframe it so they're more likely to get the response they want, e.g. leaving out some critical detail. It's annoying because this is a site to ask questions when you're really open to anonymous feedback. If you want someone to just pat your head and tell you you're great, call a friend IRL. The repeat posters who actually engage the responses and come back for more follow up are usually more warmly received. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:46 AM Flag
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This [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 10:13 AM Flag
[ - ] We renovated our apartment a year ago. Now with everyone being home for 3 months, it got destroyed. No question, just venting 14 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:07 AM Flag
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What kind of renovation and how did it get destroyed? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:09 AM Flag
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Op destroyed is an exaggeration. Just a lot of wear and tear from always being at home. Dings in the walls, floors... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:12 AM Flag
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They need to be more careful! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:20 AM Flag
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A lot of sympathy. We bought a brand new home and moved in right after Christmas. It looks awful now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:21 AM Flag
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There is no win in this situation. We live in a rental and I hate being here all the time and wish I had a beautiful, renovated home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:25 AM Flag
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You're right. I'm the person above who said we just bought. And I know a year ago, as a renter, I would have rolled my eyes at a homeowner complaining how her kids were treating the surfaces. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:36 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:56 AM Flag
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same! so sad about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:37 AM Flag
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I see cracks in the walls, paint chipping, baseboards detaching from the wall. Sigh [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:12 AM Flag
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My friends (no kids) did a huge, very expensive reno about a year ago and keep talking about how it is best money they ever spent now that they are stuck at home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:17 AM Flag
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I'm not proud of what we have done to our in-laws' vacation home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:17 AM Flag
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You’ve given me some perspective, thank you. I was feeling down in the dumps about the state of my white painted kitchen cabinets but then I realized they don’t look so bad for being 20 years old. I painted every room 5 years ago and even now I still catch myself telling the kids be careful of the walls, we just painted. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:39 AM Flag
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Not destroyed -- lived in! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:44 AM Flag
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We redid out place in June 2019. I'm really glad we did. I would have hated living inside a place that needed painting. Sure it's getting a little damaged but nothing terrible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:38 PM Flag
[ - ] DF in flyover is pg with #1. She found out her local hospital doesn't have a NICU- the closest hospital is 90 minutes away. Would that worry you? (Obviously, they deliver babies at the local hospital). I only know of one friend whose baby had to go to the NICU unexpectedly after full-term birth so I'm not sure how common it is. 7 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:03 AM Flag
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I'd definitely go to a hospital with a NICU. It is definitely worth a 90 minutes drive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:10 AM Flag
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+1000 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:13 AM Flag
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OP: thanks. This is how I feel, but I wanted to check to make sure I'm not nuts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:24 AM Flag
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If her pregnancy is not high risk, I don’t think she should be concerned. After all, people give birth at home or at a birthing center all the time. However, if she is worried then it’s not a big deal to drive 90 mins while your in labor with your first. You typically have several hours of laboring before you need to get to the hospital. Obviously there are people who deliver in under 3 hours but it’s rare, especially with db1. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:03 AM Flag
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or above, I was never high risk nor needed nicu (thank god, knock wood) but I would not be comfortable not having the option. The data on home births etc (just as with vaginal births) is skewed to say "this was done", there is not enough data on health issues, mortality rates, etc for those situations. It's like the argument "women have been doing this for centuries". Yes and women and babies have been dying in childbirth for centuries also or getting post-birth complications they were too embarrassed to discuss but had to live with forever. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:25 AM Flag
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Ugh, I wasn't advocating for homebirth. Really not interested in having this debate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 11:06 AM Flag
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I'm a neonatologist so I'm biased towards delivery near a NICU. We get babies transported in from hundreds of miles away and it's hard for the baby and the family to be separated, even for a short period of time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:34 AM Flag
[ - ] Three blended learning models being considered by DOE. Plan #1: Group A(in person attendance on M,W) and Group B (T, R), Fridays remote learning for both groups. Plan #2: Group A(M,T) and Group B(W,R), Friday remote. Or Plan #3: Group A one week and Group B one week. Which would you prefer? 17 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:58 PM Flag
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Plan 4: Get my kids back to school so I can get back to my damn job. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:01 AM Flag
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That would be great, but totally unrealistic. Can't meet CDC guidelines. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:04 AM Flag
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there has to be tons of empty offices/buildings right now. they turned javits into a hospital--I'm sure they could turn other buildings into schools. We really could solve this if it was deemed important enough [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:25 AM Flag
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Ily [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:58 AM Flag
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thank you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:34 PM Flag
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Plan 4: We are in private school -- and have smaller class size. NO reason to follow any of this. I hope. I pray. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:54 AM Flag
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I will take plan 4 for a thousand. In absence, plan 2 ( two consecutive days) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:05 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:24 AM Flag
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Consecutive days are a must. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:07 AM Flag
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it doesn't even make sense from a sanitary standpoint to alternate days. Logistically, bunched days is also easier. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:40 AM Flag
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2 or 3 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:07 AM Flag
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2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:14 AM Flag
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No [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:59 AM Flag
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2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:55 AM Flag
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option 3 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:16 AM Flag
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2 or 3. 3 seems like it might involve less cleaning. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:17 PM Flag
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i want full time back in school, but if not, then #3 makes more sense. when you start alternating days in a week causes confusion, harder to clean, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:35 PM Flag
[ - ] I wish someone would’ve told me at 24 to stay away from dh. He’s such an idiot. He just shows me a video of some woman talking some conspiracy theory nonsense about coronavirus being planned. He’s already been furloughed and now my company is talking about potential furloughs so I’m scared to death about this. And this man wants to show me this video. I swear I want to just scream. 13 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:42 PM Flag
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Is this the first and only indication that your POVs differ, or has this been going on your whole relationship? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:21 PM Flag
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Op: I feel like the older we got, the more I noticed how different we are. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:29 PM Flag
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This happens. People also change/grow (which is a good thing), but sometimes in different directions. What you both valued at 24 isn't the same at 44. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:32 PM Flag
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Op: we’ve grown apart... what I found interesting and exciting about him at 24 is annoying now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:26 AM Flag
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Has he been tipped over into some sort of mental illness by all the current stress? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:23 PM Flag
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Op: no....he’s into conspiracy theories and this is another one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:30 PM Flag
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OR: Yikes. That's no bueno. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:46 PM Flag
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well after staying cooped up with DH for 3 months now I want to split up too. I realize now he has no ambition, acts like a dick towards his staff, yells at our kids, and plays way too many video games on his phone. if he could just evaporate... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:36 PM Flag
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np. My DH also plays a lot of video games. Recently, we moved closer to parents, so we have more time to ourselves. he's taken up hobbies and is a totally different person. I now see his video game playing in a new light--it was a small way to carve time for himself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:49 PM Flag
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I feel sad for you. Maybe read some self-help/ couples books? Do some exercises to try to remember how you fell in love with him? Try to ask for space (in the same apartment) for a couple of days? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:40 PM Flag
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Op: that’s what I need to recharge - some alone time. I don’t get it here in this apt. Im going nonstop all the time. Cooking in between meetings. I have an only dc and she’s literally with me the entire day. I love spending all this time with her but I need a break. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:29 AM Flag
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That would irk me. At the same time, I can't imagine who wouldn't begin to irk me in points after 15 years together, especially in high stress times. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:23 AM Flag
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How old is DD? Consider a separation? Is he a good Dad? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:41 AM Flag
[ - ] An Instagram account has been created to share stories from Brearley students about the racism they've experienced there. 8 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:38 PM Flag
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https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8406707/Elite-girls-school-Manhattans-UES-accused-fostering-racist-environment.html [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:39 PM Flag
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Similar Instagram accounts were created for Chapin and Spence. These accounts were created by alumni. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:02 AM Flag
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and that makes it less valid? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:56 AM Flag
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Not at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 08:31 PM Flag
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Is it true that the head of school, Jane Foley Fried, referred to "Gregory" Floyd? So many shocking stories on here, but there is something about that particular one coming recently from the head of school that is so so gross. That is a gross display of lack of consciousness and empathy by a head of school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:45 PM Flag
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Nope. All communications from Jane have said George. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:29 PM Flag
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So are people lying? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 05:16 PM Flag
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No idea. I just checked every communication from Jane, and they all say George. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.20, 05:23 PM Flag
[ - ] Do you know anyone (who is not elderly) who has virtually no family they are in touch with? What do they do for holidays/other occasions? 23 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:26 PM Flag
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me. I go to friend's house. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:30 PM Flag
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Do you mean not even partner/spouse or young children? Like literally alone? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:31 PM Flag
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Yes me , mom passed away 45 and dad mid 50’s [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:58 PM Flag
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Mom had cancer dad had multiple+sclerosis. I was 26 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:01 PM Flag
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np -- I am sorry, that is so hard. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:37 AM Flag
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And of course you are soooo much better?!!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:16 PM Flag
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? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:18 PM Flag
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How do you expect me to respond? I am lonely and you are better?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:34 PM Flag
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What an entitled question ! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:36 PM Flag
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Wtf is this response? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:13 AM Flag
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What? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 10:47 AM Flag
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Df always goes on vacation during holidays. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:31 PM Flag
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I used to throw these great parties and dinners for all my "lonely" nyc friends who were stuck in the city alone for holidays. used to be so fun. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:38 PM Flag
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me - although we are in touch with some of dh's family and I'm loosely in touch with a couple of relatives. we tend to travel on a lot of holidays, and we're not religious either. I do have mine own family with dh and dc's. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:42 PM Flag
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Friend got disowned by his parents in his early 20's. He posts a lot of depressing things to Facebook about being alone on Thanksgiving. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:44 PM Flag
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Me but I love my immediate family and have one sibling overseas who I see every few years [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:48 PM Flag
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Many of my immediate family died off the past 5 years. All I have is DH, dc’s, my NPD mom and my single brother who is an unmarried oddball computer guy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:14 AM Flag
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Me. We go away for holidays. We do see Dh's family but they are not near us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:29 AM Flag
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I went to a Bar Mitzvah where they had literally two family members. I don't know the circumstances, but it broke my heart. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:31 AM Flag
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I have my mom, my brother and my aunt, who has no children and a rare and debilitating disease. Didn't grow up spending time with cousins, none of my parents' siblings have kids, my dad is an insufferable passive aggressive lifelong victim. DH has lots of close aunts and uncles and cousins and we see them several times a year. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:50 AM Flag
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On my side I have no family - either they are dead or hostile. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:22 AM Flag
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Yes, me. I live alone and have no contact with family. I am a child abuse and incest survivor who only feels safe when alone. It is lonely, but preferable to constant panic. Quarantine made it mandatory but I had no problem with it. Isolation makes you crazy but there's always tradeoffs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:45 AM Flag
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Yes, a good friend of mine but she is like family to me and spends holidays with my family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:38 AM Flag
[ - ] Reposting for the night crowd: DH is in the planning stages of starting a business. He wants to ask a current co-worker to do it with him because she has experience in the area and is highly regarded. I have long felt that she has a romantic interest in him. Starting a business is such an intense experience that I feel them working together so closely (and just the two of them) could be a threat to our marriage. Is this something you would think about and raise with DH? 10 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:10 PM Flag
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I'm very old, but didn't Angela's dad get into trouble with this with Halley Lowenthal on My So Called Life? I'd talk about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:47 PM Flag
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It's ok to talk about it. Acknowledge the intenseness of that relationship, your concerns that it will invoke feelings of jealousy and exclusion in you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:25 PM Flag
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Hmm. If you are already concerned, I would address it before any big conversations are had btw those two. Emphasize that you are not accusing him, in any way, of improper behavoir, you just want to talk (with him) about the elephant in the room. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:38 PM Flag
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Just to give you some perspective, I cofounded a business with a married guy. Our relationship is very intense in many ways (and actually sometimes like a marriage lol in terms of fights and compromises), but never has it crossed my mind that it might be romantic in nature. I don't really know his wife terribly well but I like her. I would try to disentangle this from the woman in question and think about it more in terms of your own feelings. I think it would be fine to talk about. Again from my perspective vis a vis my partner I just assume he has a strong relationship with his wife. I'd be open to getting to know her better but I respect the privacy of their personal life. And I say this even though we've run a biz together for a few years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:47 PM Flag
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You have posted before (and that is fine) and I did not respond. Go with your gut. I would not feel comfortable. Talk to DH and tell him what you told us. My DH wanted to partner with his cousin with his practice and I told him no. It was for different reasons- I am not fond of the cousins wife. She is a busy body putting in her two cents where it does not belong. She probably would have dictated the work schedule because she (like us) has school aged kids but she thinks her work schedule is more hectic than mine. It was a NO from me and and he listened. Be open and honest and it will save you major headaches and your marriage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:03 AM Flag
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Op here: Thank you for your perspective. I think in some ways I already feel uncomfortable with the relationship. My husband is not big about talking about personal things. I generally save my more emotional conversations for my friends. However, I know that she has told him about her relationship troubles (Including that she left her fiancé because she wanted to be with someone more ambitious) and private family matters. Obviously, he must have single to her that it was OK to talk about very personal things with him even though he’s a coworker. Having personal conversations is something that I wish could be a part of our relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:04 AM Flag
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She could be lonely and a big talker. But it doesn’t sound like you’re very happy in your relationship [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:13 AM Flag
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Agree with being a big talker. Some people overshare no matter what. The fact that he listened to her more than OP wished he did with her could be seen as a good sign: it could mean that he doesn't feel emotionally concerned with that other woman. Plus he shared all the details with OP apparently. That being said, it seems that the other woman is actively positioning herself towards OP's DH. Even if he doesn't care and would never fall for her, this will still lead to a lot of headaches down the road. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:19 PM Flag
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Before you breach the subject, you should determine what outcome you are looking for. Why do you think this? If it is "intuition" he will likely say you are mistaken and he only has eyes for you. If you really don't want him to do it, don't tread lightly, just come out and say it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:15 AM Flag
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100% decide outcome desired first! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:28 AM Flag
[ - ] what do you think of friends who try to recruit your employees to their company? is that a friendship killer IYO? 12 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:58 PM Flag
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This has never happened to me. Are they friend-friends or friends-that-you-know-through-the-industry friends? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:03 PM Flag
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the second that became the first. like text often meet for coffee and drinks friends. this has happened to me twice now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:04 PM Flag
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I think it's shitty if they don't go through you (i.e. do you have anyone you'd recommend, an employee who might be looking to move on/up, etc.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:08 PM Flag
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Do you know for sure they were doing the poaching proactively, or is it possible that your employees reached out to them? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:09 PM Flag
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def they reached out to her. she didn't even know they were working there. i also helped him get the job! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:10 PM Flag
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Then you can't blame your friend for engaging with a qualified recruit who is actively expressing interest [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:14 PM Flag
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no no - she did not reach out. THEY reached out to her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:25 AM Flag
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Totally depends on the industry and the person. If you are a partner at a big law firm and the person is a recruiter I would expect it. If you have a small business and the person has no financial interest in placing people I would find it very odd. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:11 PM Flag
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i work at a company but in senior role. this person works at a co but in senior role. he is poaching from my direct reports. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:25 AM Flag
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i'm pretty sure Ben H covers this in his book "hard thing about hard things" - and I think his advice was, "don't if you value the friendship, no amount of approaching them first etc will make a difference" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:26 PM Flag
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^this was re: company owners who are friends [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:26 PM Flag
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Yes [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:49 PM Flag
[ - ] Does anyone know when Ice Rinks will open in CT or NJ? 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:50 PM Flag
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Am guessing way after outdoor playgrounds [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:55 PM Flag
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All that humidity, it can't be good. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:08 AM Flag
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I don't understand. ice rinks aren't humid at all [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:23 AM Flag
[ - ] Why do teachers prefer schools to not reopen and remain online? 17 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:39 PM Flag
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They obviously prefer to WFH! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:40 PM Flag
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That's generalizing. There are plenty of ppl who don't like WFH. I WFH, not a teacher, bc I'm high risk and would love to go back as I enjoy the camaraderie and feel more productive. Let's stop thinking the negatives about everyone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:47 PM Flag
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I prefer to go to school and so does every teacher I know and I know many. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:53 PM Flag
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Loaded question. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:55 PM Flag
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They get paid via union and work fewer hours , plus 1 teacher can’t get sick [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:55 PM Flag
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if they do, probably for the same reason a lot of people do -- less likely to get sick. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:56 PM Flag
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i smell a troll. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:57 PM Flag
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Yup. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:00 PM Flag
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says the teacher [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:30 PM Flag
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My DD is a teacher in NYC and would greatly prefer to have the schools reopen in September. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:00 PM Flag
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why? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 10:33 PM Flag
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I'm a teacher and I much prefer for schools to reopen. I hate online teaching. It's terrible. It doesn't meet my students' needs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:32 PM Flag
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My DW is the same. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:39 PM Flag
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I'm sure some do and some are waiting to see what the status is re: the virus and there are probably others who definitely want it to remain online. it's a large group of people and very different geographical areas. do you have any data? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:45 PM Flag
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meant to say definitely want them to open^ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:45 PM Flag
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If regents are cancelled forever I am happy from home but still really miss the interactions with the students, being in the city and time away from DH and DCs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:05 AM Flag
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Pp-people keep saying that those with beach houses want to stay comfortable there for longer. I disagree. Once the school year begins again in September hopefully, I prefer city life. Being at our beach house just for weekends is fine with me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:07 AM Flag
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