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Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

[ - ] I am going in tomorrow for a d&c. How long should I expect to be there? Also what should I expect to feel after? 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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I'm sorry. I had one under general anesthesia. Are you doing this in an OR? I went first thing in the am and didn't get back until 4 or 5, but waited a while for the dr. in the beginning. I rested the entire next day but actually, didn't feel too bad and not much bleeding. Worst thing was very sore throat from the breathing tube they used. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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I'm sorry for your loss, I had general and had to wait a while after waking up becuase blood pressure was low - so you never know. I went in first thing in morning, probably got home about 4 ish [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:25 AM Flag
[ - ] If anyone cares, we just released our Special Music School waitlist spot. 12 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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NY Schools 07.10.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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Just curious, why would you release a waitlist spot? What can it hurt to remain on teh waitlist? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:12 AM Flag
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Don't want to hold a spot we will never take. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:55 AM Flag
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why would that mean anything to anyone? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:56 AM Flag
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If there is someone out there hoping the waitlist moves for them they will care. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:01 AM Flag
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of course you have to tell us where you are going now [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:02 AM Flag
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G&T [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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so, why did you do the whole SMS thing if you didn't really care for the music part that much? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 06:49 PM Flag
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Where do you get that from? OP may be pursuing music for dc another way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:11 PM Flag
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np-sms is very different for someone who just wants to pursue music as an extracurricular. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:12 PM Flag
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np: and their are other things about the school that can be a BIG turn-off for some like super-small class size that shrinks every year. I hard last year's graduating class had something like 8 kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:19 PM Flag
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^^there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:20 PM Flag
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if this is a public school, doesn't seem like the best use of public resources [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:23 PM Flag
[ - ] Wow! I walked away from the computer for 10 minutes and my class list post exploded. All of those OP posts are not from me! I only posted the original post. Someone is pretending to be me and making me look like a nutjob. 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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NY Schools 07.10.08, 09:42 AM Flag
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nice try [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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There are even new posts calling you a nutjob. Shame but at least no one knows who you are. LOL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
[ - ] hand, foot, freakin mouth diesease 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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Oh no. Lots of this going about [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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why dont people keep their child home when they are sick! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:42 AM Flag
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it is asymptomatic until the rash occurs [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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np: Yup. A silent bomb with a long incubation period. You have already caught it by the time the sick person gets the rash. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:45 AM Flag
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fever? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:45 AM Flag
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np: Usually low-grade, so you won't necessarily notice it. My older son was acting fine even once his rash came, little brother got a higher fever and felt crummy before the rash broke out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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how long after fever? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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A few days with the little one. Not sure for the older one. But my younger DS didn't get the fever until more than a week after DS had his rash. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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welcome to summer [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:42 AM Flag
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My ds got it every summer from ages 3-6. He's 9 now and hasn't had it in a few yrs. Hang in there! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:45 AM Flag
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does it take a full week to run its course? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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For my ds it was 3-4 days, but he only got the blisters in his throat. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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Ouch, poor thing. DC had it too. Awful, no eating for days, was in so much pain. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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Yikes! WHere are you?? Sorry for your DC, poor kid... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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Coxsackie in the house, ugggghhhhhhhhhh. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:48 AM Flag
[ - ] 5yo dd wants a gardening party? any ideas where I can do something like this in manhattan...tia 19 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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Toddler 07.10.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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outside at a park - must buy some plants and pots and watering cans? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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just, sorry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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Just a gardening theme or actually to do gardening with real plants? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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Cute, buy each child a window box and some small blooms. If you can find wooden boxes they can even paint and personalize the boxes first [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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np, this is a great idea [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:42 AM Flag
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op: her birthday is early october. cant have it at my apt, but i would love to have a gardening theme. she actually wants to plant stuff [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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you can plant some mums in early Oct [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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op: thats a cute idea. orange ones for halloween. but where to have party?? it may be too cold to have at park [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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October is ususally fine for a park. Kids trick or treat all over America on the 31 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:57 AM Flag
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Try somewhere like Moonsoup. They are a very flexible location and do run parties. They may be willing to help you out. Also Kidville offer a ton of different parties but I don't know if gardening is one of them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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i was thinking kidville too [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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can you have a small party with flower pots and bulbs that each kid can plant? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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why not buy some pots, soil, seeds and have them plant and decorate the pot as the party activity. The cake and paper goods could reflect the gardening theme [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:55 AM Flag
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I think Science Teacher Sarah could really help you with this one! And great party favor idea: The Gardener (it is a book, very cute) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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op: i went on her website the other day. how are her parties. i have never been to one [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:25 AM Flag
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I think the NY Botanical Garden may do these? I remember getting something in the mail I think it was from them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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That is so cute, a little Martha Stewart. Contact a gardening place too - you never know. On Sundays they might open it up to you before 12 even if it's not something they normally do. I am thinking of other potential places but price and convenience wise you might have to just rent a place out and have a container gardening party. Like city gardening. (Wave Hill, Bronx Bot Garden, Brooklyn Bot Garden might be too expensive. Central Park might have some type of walk or kids thing (but I doubt it). They might have nature parties in Prospect Park? Or maybe it's bird watching). Hmm... Potential places for rental - Rhinelander's "Art Atrium", St. Vartan's Playground. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:48 AM Flag
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ny botanical garden does this-will have to coordinate getting everyone to the bronx, but with metro north, it is actually quite easy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:49 AM Flag
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In Brooklyn - Added Value Farm in Red Hook. They even have a pumpkin patch. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 06:59 PM Flag
[ - ] Any Hunter WL news? 14 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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NY Schools 07.10.08, 09:38 AM Flag
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As of 2 weeks ago, they have called #1, 2 and 3 from the girls list and at least #1-10 from the boys. Are you waiting for a spot? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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Yes. DS just added to the boys list. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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or: Congrats! and best of luck! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:57 AM Flag
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Thanks. We are not holding our breath though! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:00 AM Flag
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or: You are welcome. Where is your ds going in Sept? and are you happy? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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Sorry, stepped away. Yes, we are happy. We are in a good place either way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:56 AM Flag
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interesting that our year the girls list really moved a lot and the boys hardly at all [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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np: Wish the girls list would have moved more this year. Oh well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:14 AM Flag
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where were you on the list? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:38 AM Flag
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or: somewhere between #9-12 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 07:15 AM Flag
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its going to be a long long 3 years [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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Until we give up hope? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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When do they stop going to the list? 3rd grade? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 04:46 PM Flag
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they will take kids off wl until the beginning of 3rd grade [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 05:48 PM Flag
[ - ] Will I be the only chill, normal incoming Anderson Mom? 17 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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NY Schools 07.10.08, 09:37 AM Flag
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I've yet to meet one, so maybe. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:38 AM Flag
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Since you felt like posting this I'd say you are far from normal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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op: I was waiting for someone to say that! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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I am one. Although I do not see any harm in our dc's meeting up over the summer. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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Of course but the poster of the other thread was more or less desperately waiting for the class lists. That's a little creepy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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Yes and soon she will have your home address. Watch out! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:42 AM Flag
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Not an A parent, sorry. But isn't there a way to opt out anyway? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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I don't care about class lists, and if someone called, I would likely politely decline. However, that you find it so creepy makes me think you are a bit paranoid. This is the way it seems to be done in nyc in 2008. you do not have to participate, but no one in your kid's K class is trying to harm you. if you are that paranoid about the parents you will be with for the next 9 years, then maybe you should just call the school, and opt off the list. no biggie. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:59 AM Flag
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I know a family with older children who are just leaving Anderson. They are laid-back and normal, nothing like the moms we see here. They said there are a few crazy moms, but it's not the majority. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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I am one, I swear. And I'm not the one posting about where are the class lists???? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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of course not. the school is filled with them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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i am not an anderson mom but i am much crazier on UB than IRL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:50 AM Flag
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the only A mom i know is pretty normal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:02 AM Flag
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I know two A moms, both of whom are lovely. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 04:51 PM Flag
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Ditto. The class list issue is really overblown because it's being done in this public yet anonymous forum where there are a lot of people bitter about the lottery results. It's not a bad idea inherently. I think the A moms will be perfectly chill once their interaction moves off UB and into RL. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 05:22 PM Flag
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funny. the 2 I know are nut. really, I kid you not. one controlling her kids on every level, and the other with zoero boundries [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:38 PM Flag
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parents who come into Anderson don't seem any nuttier than anyone else. But after a few years, there does seem to be more intense moms than at Hunter, which at least until recently, had EXACTLY the same demographic. So there must be something in the atmosphere or culture that is unwholesome. I think the difference is that Hunter is insulated from crazy ever-threatening DOE policies. Hunter parents feel that the admin believes in gifted ed and Hunter is not a political pawn. In the long run, that makes them more relaxed as a group than A moms. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:56 PM Flag
[ - ] when did you start feeling pregnant and not just fat and bloated?? also how much is a normal weight gain for each trimester or how much did you gain in 1st and 2nd trimesters? 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:37 AM Flag
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about 20 weeks is when I started looking pregnant, that is the way I felt. Urgh I know how you feel. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:38 AM Flag
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Body issues much? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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I was visibly pg at about 16 weeks. I gained 20 lbs by 26 weeks but didn't gain too much (another 8-10 lbs) after that. I think I just popped really early. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
[ - ] What do you think are the best preschools for a shy 3 year old? UWS, UES or uptown? TIA 14 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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Toddler 07.10.08, 09:32 AM Flag
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I would avoid montessori, but otherwise, the usual suspects. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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OP: why avoid Montessori? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:36 AM Flag
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many people will disagree (and to a certain extent it depends more on the school than the montessori philosophy), but I do not think montessori is a good fit for very shy children. Because the education is very self-directed and about doing your "work" or the "work of play," very shy kids can get overwhelmed by what they experience as chaos in the room. Sometimes very shy kids get a lot of comfort from structure. I also think that developmental preschools are more warm and fuzzy and more likely to take the time to nuture and reassure a shy child. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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hmm. i've had two kids in montessori and i dont think the atmosphere is chaotic. compared to "developmental" schools i've visited, i found it calmer and easeir for my shyer kid to handle. the active one had more problems in montessori [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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interesting. SIL pulled her very shy dd from a montessori halfway through the year. She was completely overwhelmed and every time SIL went to pick her up she was just wandering around the room looking lost. Found a spot for her at a no-name neighborhood preschool. It took her about 6 weeks to get acclimated, but then she was fine and now loves preschool. The difference was night and day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:46 AM Flag
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i thinkit really varies by school, not jstu how it is structured but how the teachers deal with shyness. my shy kid is going to an unstructured day camp program now and its really hard for her. Montessori is not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:48 AM Flag
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why? montessori gives kids room to grow and explore at their own pace, and 1 on 1 with teachers during lessons do a lot to boost confidence. I think montessori is a much better option than throwing a shy kid into an unstructured play heap. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:37 AM Flag
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np: Well, I wouldn't say that other preschools are "unstructured play heaps." Montessori was a good option for one of my kids, it's not for every child. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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OP: But is it for a very shy child? If not, why not? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:39 AM Flag
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I wouldn't have thought of it as shy/not shy. Our decision had more to do with self-sufficiency, liking following rules, and the ability to work alone on tasks while others do their own thing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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OR: didn't mean other schools to sound so terrible (I'm 8 months pg and, according to my DH, excessively hostile). My point just was, montessori seems like a great option to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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I don't think there is any one school for a shy kid. They're all very competitive and hard to get into. You can't afford to only apply to a few or you won't get in anywhere. I disagree with OR and think Montessori would be fine. I like Metropolitan Montessori on W85th. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:51 AM Flag
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What about WSMS? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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We loved WSMS and had a very shy child. It is not strict Montessori and the teachers are fantastic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.08, 06:28 PM Flag
[ - ] DH filling out paperwork for new job. Just called to ask me how to spell DD's name AND her birthdate! 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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New York City 07.10.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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lol, he's probably nervous. my dh can't ever remember our phone number. Is your dd's name difficult? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:25 AM Flag
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A little, but it is a variation of his mom's name. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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maybe he got confused with the variation? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:29 AM Flag
[ - ] DD's 5th birthday is Labor Day weekend. Trying to decide if we should have a party the weekend before or after. Just inviting 6 or so kids to go to a movie or bowling or something like that. Any ideas? 5 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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NY Schools 07.10.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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I would not have it on the holiday weekend. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:26 AM Flag
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Which is probably why OP asked if she should have it the weekend before or after [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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I'm having dd bday party the weekend after labor day [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:27 AM Flag
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^^^since many ppl will finally be back in town [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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after, unless you're sure everyone on your list is in town the week before. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
[ - ] vent: just burried our grandmother and my mother's youngest sibling was a total bitch to everyone during the wake and funeral. She mooched off of my grandmother for over 15 yrs living rent free with her dh and kids in my grandmother's home. Then when they had to start paying rent they blamed the other sibs for turning them into the mgmt office of my grandmother's apt building. The promised to take her Soc. Sec. money and put it away for her needs and burial acct. Yrs passed (they dumped grandma in a nursing home and took the apt) and bought the burial plot but put it under their name. She died, they took charge of the arrangements (they had my grandmother's money) sat their friends in the front of the casket during viewing, took all of the cards the funeral home made for my granmother and gave them to just the ppl they wanted to. None of the other 5 sibs got any. The limo that usually the family rides in was filled with their friends (who none knew my grandmother) just to keep the sibs out), they were saying nasty remarks during the mass, ect. I'm so happy I never have to lay eyes on them again. They are mean, ignorant, immature and I'm sure their 2 kids will treat them as badly as they did to my grandmother when she needed help. Just venting. 7 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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took all of the cards the funeral home made for my granmother and gave them to just the ppl they wanted to. None of the other 5 sibs got any. The limo that usually the family rides in was filled with their friends (who none knew my grandmother) just to keep the sibs out), they were saying nasty remarks during the mass, ect. I'm so happy I never have to lay eyes on them again. They are mean, ignorant, immature and I'm sure their 2 kids will treat them as badly as they did to my grandmother when she needed help. Just venting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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^^^they also said that the headstone we order will be turned away since they own the plot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:25 AM Flag
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I think you've posted a couple of times about this situation, I am sorry - but it is over. Let it be over inside you. You have given them enough of you - take yourself back, and never forget - living well is the BEST revenge. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:28 AM Flag
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op: thanks but this is the first time I posted about this situation since I just got back from the funeral a few min. ago and need to vent on what happened this morning [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:30 AM Flag
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I'm sorry. I thought you were the lady whose aunt threw away the suit you wanted grandmother to be buried in and had to go out shopping to find something else. There must be two of you going thru similiar bad times. Again, sorry. I hope you feel better soon [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:37 AM Flag
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op: thx. It's sad to hear that my family isn't the only one going through drama at a time like this. Just glad it's over for my mother's sake [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:52 AM Flag
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me too. So sorry for your loss. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:54 AM Flag
[ - ] My husband is always lying to me. He claims he is "working" or looking for jobs in a cafe, but is in fact smoking pot with a friend. He had promised to quite smoking when we were engaged - this was very important to me as he was (and still is) depressed and unemployed and I think that all three issues are related to each other. I have become a detective and am always suspicious when he is not in the apartment - I know this is ridiculous and that marriage without trust is a losing battle. However, we have two kids, so it is not so easy to just leave him. I keep thinking that once he gets a job things will get better, but he has been unemployed for years and am beginning to think that he is not "employable" and/or not seriously sending out resumes. We went to a couples therapist for years (but not anymore) and now he goes to an individual therapist - however, I don't think he tells her the truth about the lies, his pot habit and the effects on the marriage. Any advice? I am at my wits end! 60 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:22 AM Flag
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Run, don't walk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:23 AM Flag
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I feel like I will be ruining my kids' lives. He's actually a great dad. I also adore his parents and I'm scared that divorce will devastate them as well as my parents. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:25 AM Flag
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it sounds like having a loser father who lies to their mother will also ruin their lives. Have you considered having his parents help intervene with you??? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:26 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:30 AM Flag
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You need to sit down with dh, his parents and your parents and talk it all through. If dh cannot get a job (what is his field? can he get a crappy job just to be occupied and make $?) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:31 AM Flag
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He does temp jobs, but this just makes him more depressed. I do believe that a permanent job w/benefits would help his self-esteem, but this has been going on for years and I am losing hope! I agree about sitting down with his parents, but they live in Michigan, so we would really have to plan it. We are going to see them at the end of the month, but the whole family will be there, so an intervention will be difficult. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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OR here: Your IL's will still be in your life, as well as in your dc's lives. Having a strong mother is much more valuable to dc's than having a pot head father who doesn't have a job. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:29 AM Flag
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Your husband is an addict and he needs help. Addiction is an illness, and cannot be treated by kicking him in the ass, or shaming him with his parents, or having a heart to heart talk. What he needs is rehab and therapy. What you need is to stop enabling. Cut off the money, stop making excuses with the nanny or anyone else, and get yourself mentally prepared for some tough love -- its ultimatum time, he gets treatment or gets out. If he won't face his problems, then you've got to let him go. He can still be a good father without being a terrible husband to you. You may think this is cruel but addiction escalates and he is not going to get better without help. I've BTDT and speak from experience. GL to you, my thoughs are with you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 01:11 PM Flag
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OP: How do you define an "addict"? He doesn't do it every day, but every other week... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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He's not an "addict" if he's smoking pot just a depressed loser. This sounds like escapism and immaturity not addiction. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:37 AM Flag
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your husband sounds like a loser. sorry, but it sounds like you need to get away from him and move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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Why not try to work on the depression for the next 6 months and leave the smoking alone for that period? Sounds like therapy could do some good and reenergize him to look for work, which would (likely) improve his self esteem and fill his time. If you approach this from a position of needing him to be honest and wanting him to be happy because you love him, it seems he would be less likely to feel defensive and humiliated. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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I agree with your point re the right approach. However, he has been in therapy for YEARS for depression/anxiety. I am beginning to feel like a fool because this cycle just keeps repeating itself. I am tempted to move to another city with the hope that this will change circumstances, but that would require both of us getting new jobs. There does not seem to be an easy solution and frankly, I am getting sick of being the "fixer". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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Have you tried going to Alon? I think that it would really help you to gain strength to no longer enable the situation. They have groups that specifically deal with spouse issues. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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sorry al-alon [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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yes, go to al-anon. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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OR: then it sounds like he might need an ultimatum. You can't live with the dishonesty and bad example for the kids, so he needs to move out - and you change the locks - (or you do, w/ the kids) for 6 months. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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What do I tell the nanny if I change locks and he is no longer there? She is friends with all my friends' nannies. Very humiliating! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:52 AM Flag
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ummm, if it is best for you and dcs you will do what is necessary. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:54 AM Flag
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I know that things aren't going to change without a dramatic step. It's just sooo hard to implement this from a practical point - he will be banging on door, the doorman will all find out, the kids are going to be impacted by the scene - all of it is so draining. Usually I am so proactive and good at coming up with solutions, but this situation has me completely confused. Everything is so much more complicated with kids! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:00 AM Flag
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do you really think that the kids aren't aware that dh has a serious problem? You are way to concerned with appearances, and dh is using this against you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:02 AM Flag
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Very true re my concern with appearances! He is also concerned with appearances, which I should probably use to my advantage. Kids are under 3 so unaware of dad's status - but, I'm sure they are impacted by bickering/tension. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:07 AM Flag
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they don't stay under 3 for ever. I was VERY aware of my mother's serious depression by age 4. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:20 AM Flag
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this probably won't work too well since I bet the smoking is contributing to the depression. Pot is a depressant, and if he's doing it a lot, the depression probably can't lift without stopping the smoking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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I have been battling with this "which came first, the chicken or the egg" dilemma for years! He thinks that smoking is innocuous and just makes him feel calmer - he claims that he would tell me where he was going if I weren't so "uptight". Am I that "controlling [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:45 AM Flag
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this is a very typical cycle. Have you talked to a therapist about this yourself? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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it's a myth that mj is non-addictive and safe. it really, really messes with your brain chemistry, especially your moods and is very easy to become dependent on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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How is he supporting his bistro/dope habits? Oh and cancel cable! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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Friend is pothead and has stash (though in the past my husband has gone so far as to have a dealer deliver it - now he has not money so has to rely on friend). For cafes, I give him ten or twenty dollar bills every few days - believe me, I am tempted to have him scramble for quarters... I also want him out of the house so that he isn't home with the nanny and kids. Often he comes home for naps, which I'm sure my nanny thinks is really weird. I make up stories about how got no sleep the night before or is not feeling well so that she doesn't think we are dysfunctional (though I'm sure she does). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:51 AM Flag
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Your husband is a pot addict. I think that the sooner you come to terms with this and treat him like an addict instead of making excuses for him and enabling him, the sooner you will make peace with the situation and figure out what to do next. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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I KNOW! I even made him go to a Marijuana's Anonymous meeting. He went once and said he didn't need it. Aside from changing locks and not giving money (I don't give more than a $10/day), what else can I do if the person doesn't acknowledge issue?? I told his parents - the only next step would be to get a separation and perhaps, divorce. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:03 AM Flag
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OR: #1 stop bringing his parents into this! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:11 AM Flag
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Why? He is really close to them and cares what they think. I thought that an intervention would involve all your loved ones. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:20 AM Flag
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But you make it sound like the parents are going to be able to do something that you are not. It's a bit immature. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:29 AM Flag
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OR: it is infantalizing. One of the big issues here is to get him to take responsibility and behave like an adult. It is hard to make that argument when you pull his mom and dad into it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:10 AM Flag
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OR: Your husband has no job, produces nothing, and you pay someone else to care for your children? Wow. My dw and I have different shifts. If I get home early and the babysitter is there. I send her home so I can spend time with my kids. Your man needs a kick to the nutsack. You need to get tough with him. Give him to-do lists. If he can't pull his weight, cut him loose. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:05 AM Flag
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He does spend a lot of time with the kids in the evenings - I usually have to work late. Or I am going to social engagements (which I usually regret because he later uses this as an excuse for meeting his pothead friends). In all fairness, he is a good father and has a good relationship with kids. He had volunteered to be the "nanny", but I said no because I knew it would affect his self-esteem long term and would result in him being truly unemployable. His earning potential is high(assuming he gets a job!). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:13 AM Flag
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Op, I feel sorry for you, but you desperately need therapy or al-anon. He is playing you, and you are contributing to the problem. At this point, you are a classic enabler. You keep talking about him needing therapy and MA, but really you need it too, because you're obviously not handling this the way you should. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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Point taken. Thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:22 AM Flag
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I wouldn't care if he earned $10/hr taking tickets at the multiplex. Masturbating your way through life is a bad example for your kids. (I'm surprised you say he is a good father. I think modeling appropriate behavior is really important. He is not measuring up here.) -OR [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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OP: Why did you say to cancel cable? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:54 AM Flag
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I know if my wife were supporting me and I had all day to myself I'd watch a lot of tv. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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He can't because the nanny is around....Instead he surfs the internet at Starbucks supposedly looking for jobs. In all fairness, he is working on some business ventures, but they all seem quite lofty and far-fetched. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:04 AM Flag
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fire the nanny and have dh parent fulltime, thus saving you $$ and giving him a job! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:06 AM Flag
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OR again: There is no tv in the bedroom? Ask him straight up, what he would do if you stopped paying his way tomorrow. (I'll be interested to hear if he even mentions the kid(s).) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:09 AM Flag
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Hmm... Weeds makes pot look cool? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:05 AM Flag
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He doesn't watch the show. His habit precedes it by years. Again, he was depressed, so the pot, depression and unemployment all feed off of each other. He is a good person, just struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues. The question is, should I just give up and leave, wait to see if things change with a job or focus on the pot addiction. Not sure which issue impacts what!?!? I do appreciate all of your advice. This is not the kind of thing I would tell my friends - too embarassing/crazy to even admit! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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I was making a joke. Your dh needs NarcAnon and a better therapist, and you need marriage counseling and probably your own therapist [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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Okay, now I am depressed! Thanks though for your advice - I'll call our former therapist to see her individually. Honestly, never would have foreseen I would be in this situation. My parents are straight as an arrow and have a great honest relationship. I just assumed I would have the same. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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I hope things get better for you soon! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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That's what I have been saying for years. OR, does your DW know you post on Urban Baby?!? Good to get a guy's opinion! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:54 AM Flag
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this sub thread, from "Hmmm..." down was not me. It was interesting and thoughtful, so I'd love to take credit but it was not mine. -OR (ps- I would add, you should ask your former therapist for a recommendation (if you liked him/er but I say don't make your couple therapist your individual therapist. It has several potential negative long term effects. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:08 AM Flag
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I highly recommend a book called How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:00 PM Flag
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what is he trained to do? why do you say that he has high earning potential? when was the last time he held a f/t job? what did he earn at that job? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:46 AM Flag
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OP: In the past ten years, he has NEVER held a job for more than 6 months. Instead, he tried various business ventures (which all failed) and he temped off and on. Basically he has not made more than 45K since he graduated from grad school ten years ago - sad, but true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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WHOA. I think you're getting some bad advice here- the fact that your husband does not have a job does not make him a "loser" from whom you should run as fast as you can. No one would ever advise a man to leave his wife bc she doesn't work. Now, the lying and the depression and the pot smoking are different issues. Have you tried therapy? for him and/or for you both as a couple. sounds like he's really depressed and needs help. fwiw, I can't tell you if he's an addict or not, but addicts lie constantly- about everything to everyone. GL. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:53 AM Flag
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We were in couple's therapy for four years. Finally left b/c I had my second DC and had no time (or $) - frankly, I loved the therapist, but I don't think it changed anything. He goes to his own therapist now for depression. Apparently he loves her but I doubt he tells her the whole truth. He [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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I just read your post. I am going through a very similiar situation. My husband is an alcoholic and I have two little girls. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Love his parents (they know nothing), excellent father, does not really work, etc...He starts an outpatient program next week. If he does not stick with the program, I told him we are done. How have things progressed for you since July? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.26.08, 12:29 PM Flag
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Sounds like you need to go to Al-Anon. You are acting like the wife of an addict and you should talk about it with people who deal with it too. Don't make any decisions about leaving him yet. Just go to a few meetings and see what you think. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.26.08, 12:45 PM Flag
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WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE RESURRECT OLD POSTS!!! THIS IS 4 MONTHS OLD! DO YOU THINK OP IS STILL WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.26.08, 12:58 PM Flag
[ - ] dh's exwife is a nightmare we just learned that she killed his dd's cat in the dryer! how do you not know there is a cat in the dryer? poor girl will be scarred for life. 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:20 AM Flag
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that's really nutty. Is she a danger to dd? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:21 AM Flag
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Judge all you want because you want to - I came close to doing it myself last week. I had dried clothes, started to fold and phone rang. I went back an hour later, figured the clothes could used a few more minutes because they were wrinkled now. Cat jumped out as I tossed the clothes with my hands first. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:23 AM Flag
[ - ] I'm nervous. I'm due next week, and the last birth left a bit of damage. I'm looking at my belly wondering, "what have I done?" LOL Oh dear.... 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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Expecting 07.10.08, 09:17 AM Flag
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too late now... ;) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:18 AM Flag
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You'll be fine. It has to come out somehow! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:30 AM Flag
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c-section? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:39 AM Flag
[ - ] Anyone been to Long Beach on the train lately? I haven't been there since DCs were born (3 and 4) -- I'm trying to remember how far a walk it is from the LIRR to the beach-- would they be exhausted on the way back to the train (and would I have to carry them along with a lot of beach crap)? Trying to figure out if it's doable. TIA. 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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New York City 07.10.08, 09:17 AM Flag
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it's about two blocks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:19 AM Flag
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Thanks! Regular (like city) size blocks? Not bad, in other words? Just don't want to get there and regret it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:20 AM Flag
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They will be tired on the way back anyway. You should go and have a good time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:21 AM Flag
[ - ] OK. I NEED to go work out. Right now. Here I go. Really soon. 1 Reply [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:16 AM Flag
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GO NOW [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:19 AM Flag
[ - ] If you had an option between PS ^ and British International School, which would you take? 3 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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New York City 07.10.08, 09:11 AM Flag
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BIS [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:13 AM Flag
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I would pretty much choose any private school over any public. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:14 AM Flag
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which PS? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:21 AM Flag
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