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07.10.08, 09:22 AM General Topics
60 replies
My husband is always lying to me. He claims he is "working" or looking for jobs in a cafe, but is in fact smoking pot with a friend. He had promised to quite smoking when we were engaged - this was very important to me as he was (and still is) depressed and unemployed and I think that all three issues are related to each other. I have become a detective and am always suspicious when he is not in the apartment - I know this is ridiculous and that marriage without trust is a losing battle. However, we have two kids, so it is not so easy to just leave him. I keep thinking that once he gets a job things will get better, but he has been unemployed for years and am beginning to think that he is not "employable" and/or not seriously sending out resumes. We went to a couples therapist for years (but not anymore) and now he goes to an individual therapist - however, I don't think he tells her the truth about the lies, his pot habit and the effects on the marriage. Any advice? I am at my wits end! [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.10.08, 09:22 AM Flag
 

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Run, don't walk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:23 AM Flag
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I feel like I will be ruining my kids' lives. He's actually a great dad. I also adore his parents and I'm scared that divorce will devastate them as well as my parents. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:25 AM Flag
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it sounds like having a loser father who lies to their mother will also ruin their lives. Have you considered having his parents help intervene with you??? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:26 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:30 AM Flag
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You need to sit down with dh, his parents and your parents and talk it all through. If dh cannot get a job (what is his field? can he get a crappy job just to be occupied and make $?) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:31 AM Flag
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He does temp jobs, but this just makes him more depressed. I do believe that a permanent job w/benefits would help his self-esteem, but this has been going on for years and I am losing hope! I agree about sitting down with his parents, but they live in Michigan, so we would really have to plan it. We are going to see them at the end of the month, but the whole family will be there, so an intervention will be difficult. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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OR here: Your IL's will still be in your life, as well as in your dc's lives. Having a strong mother is much more valuable to dc's than having a pot head father who doesn't have a job. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:29 AM Flag
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Your husband is an addict and he needs help. Addiction is an illness, and cannot be treated by kicking him in the ass, or shaming him with his parents, or having a heart to heart talk. What he needs is rehab and therapy. What you need is to stop enabling. Cut off the money, stop making excuses with the nanny or anyone else, and get yourself mentally prepared for some tough love -- its ultimatum time, he gets treatment or gets out. If he won't face his problems, then you've got to let him go. He can still be a good father without being a terrible husband to you. You may think this is cruel but addiction escalates and he is not going to get better without help. I've BTDT and speak from experience. GL to you, my thoughs are with you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 01:11 PM Flag
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OP: How do you define an "addict"? He doesn't do it every day, but every other week... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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He's not an "addict" if he's smoking pot just a depressed loser. This sounds like escapism and immaturity not addiction. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:37 AM Flag
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your husband sounds like a loser. sorry, but it sounds like you need to get away from him and move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:24 AM Flag
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Why not try to work on the depression for the next 6 months and leave the smoking alone for that period? Sounds like therapy could do some good and reenergize him to look for work, which would (likely) improve his self esteem and fill his time. If you approach this from a position of needing him to be honest and wanting him to be happy because you love him, it seems he would be less likely to feel defensive and humiliated. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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I agree with your point re the right approach. However, he has been in therapy for YEARS for depression/anxiety. I am beginning to feel like a fool because this cycle just keeps repeating itself. I am tempted to move to another city with the hope that this will change circumstances, but that would require both of us getting new jobs. There does not seem to be an easy solution and frankly, I am getting sick of being the "fixer". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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Have you tried going to Alon? I think that it would really help you to gain strength to no longer enable the situation. They have groups that specifically deal with spouse issues. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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sorry al-alon [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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yes, go to al-anon. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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OR: then it sounds like he might need an ultimatum. You can't live with the dishonesty and bad example for the kids, so he needs to move out - and you change the locks - (or you do, w/ the kids) for 6 months. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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What do I tell the nanny if I change locks and he is no longer there? She is friends with all my friends' nannies. Very humiliating! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:52 AM Flag
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ummm, if it is best for you and dcs you will do what is necessary. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:54 AM Flag
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I know that things aren't going to change without a dramatic step. It's just sooo hard to implement this from a practical point - he will be banging on door, the doorman will all find out, the kids are going to be impacted by the scene - all of it is so draining. Usually I am so proactive and good at coming up with solutions, but this situation has me completely confused. Everything is so much more complicated with kids! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:00 AM Flag
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do you really think that the kids aren't aware that dh has a serious problem? You are way to concerned with appearances, and dh is using this against you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:02 AM Flag
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Very true re my concern with appearances! He is also concerned with appearances, which I should probably use to my advantage. Kids are under 3 so unaware of dad's status - but, I'm sure they are impacted by bickering/tension. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:07 AM Flag
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they don't stay under 3 for ever. I was VERY aware of my mother's serious depression by age 4. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:20 AM Flag
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this probably won't work too well since I bet the smoking is contributing to the depression. Pot is a depressant, and if he's doing it a lot, the depression probably can't lift without stopping the smoking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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I have been battling with this "which came first, the chicken or the egg" dilemma for years! He thinks that smoking is innocuous and just makes him feel calmer - he claims that he would tell me where he was going if I weren't so "uptight". Am I that "controlling [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:45 AM Flag
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this is a very typical cycle. Have you talked to a therapist about this yourself? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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it's a myth that mj is non-addictive and safe. it really, really messes with your brain chemistry, especially your moods and is very easy to become dependent on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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How is he supporting his bistro/dope habits? Oh and cancel cable! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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Friend is pothead and has stash (though in the past my husband has gone so far as to have a dealer deliver it - now he has not money so has to rely on friend). For cafes, I give him ten or twenty dollar bills every few days - believe me, I am tempted to have him scramble for quarters... I also want him out of the house so that he isn't home with the nanny and kids. Often he comes home for naps, which I'm sure my nanny thinks is really weird. I make up stories about how got no sleep the night before or is not feeling well so that she doesn't think we are dysfunctional (though I'm sure she does). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:51 AM Flag
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Your husband is a pot addict. I think that the sooner you come to terms with this and treat him like an addict instead of making excuses for him and enabling him, the sooner you will make peace with the situation and figure out what to do next. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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I KNOW! I even made him go to a Marijuana's Anonymous meeting. He went once and said he didn't need it. Aside from changing locks and not giving money (I don't give more than a $10/day), what else can I do if the person doesn't acknowledge issue?? I told his parents - the only next step would be to get a separation and perhaps, divorce. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:03 AM Flag
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OR: #1 stop bringing his parents into this! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:11 AM Flag
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Why? He is really close to them and cares what they think. I thought that an intervention would involve all your loved ones. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:20 AM Flag
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But you make it sound like the parents are going to be able to do something that you are not. It's a bit immature. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:29 AM Flag
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OR: it is infantalizing. One of the big issues here is to get him to take responsibility and behave like an adult. It is hard to make that argument when you pull his mom and dad into it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:10 AM Flag
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OR: Your husband has no job, produces nothing, and you pay someone else to care for your children? Wow. My dw and I have different shifts. If I get home early and the babysitter is there. I send her home so I can spend time with my kids. Your man needs a kick to the nutsack. You need to get tough with him. Give him to-do lists. If he can't pull his weight, cut him loose. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:05 AM Flag
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He does spend a lot of time with the kids in the evenings - I usually have to work late. Or I am going to social engagements (which I usually regret because he later uses this as an excuse for meeting his pothead friends). In all fairness, he is a good father and has a good relationship with kids. He had volunteered to be the "nanny", but I said no because I knew it would affect his self-esteem long term and would result in him being truly unemployable. His earning potential is high(assuming he gets a job!). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:13 AM Flag
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Op, I feel sorry for you, but you desperately need therapy or al-anon. He is playing you, and you are contributing to the problem. At this point, you are a classic enabler. You keep talking about him needing therapy and MA, but really you need it too, because you're obviously not handling this the way you should. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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Point taken. Thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:22 AM Flag
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I wouldn't care if he earned $10/hr taking tickets at the multiplex. Masturbating your way through life is a bad example for your kids. (I'm surprised you say he is a good father. I think modeling appropriate behavior is really important. He is not measuring up here.) -OR [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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OP: Why did you say to cancel cable? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 09:54 AM Flag
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I know if my wife were supporting me and I had all day to myself I'd watch a lot of tv. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:01 AM Flag
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He can't because the nanny is around....Instead he surfs the internet at Starbucks supposedly looking for jobs. In all fairness, he is working on some business ventures, but they all seem quite lofty and far-fetched. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:04 AM Flag
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fire the nanny and have dh parent fulltime, thus saving you $$ and giving him a job! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:06 AM Flag
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OR again: There is no tv in the bedroom? Ask him straight up, what he would do if you stopped paying his way tomorrow. (I'll be interested to hear if he even mentions the kid(s).) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:09 AM Flag
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Hmm... Weeds makes pot look cool? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:05 AM Flag
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He doesn't watch the show. His habit precedes it by years. Again, he was depressed, so the pot, depression and unemployment all feed off of each other. He is a good person, just struggling with a lot of self-esteem issues. The question is, should I just give up and leave, wait to see if things change with a job or focus on the pot addiction. Not sure which issue impacts what!?!? I do appreciate all of your advice. This is not the kind of thing I would tell my friends - too embarassing/crazy to even admit! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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I was making a joke. Your dh needs NarcAnon and a better therapist, and you need marriage counseling and probably your own therapist [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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Okay, now I am depressed! Thanks though for your advice - I'll call our former therapist to see her individually. Honestly, never would have foreseen I would be in this situation. My parents are straight as an arrow and have a great honest relationship. I just assumed I would have the same. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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I hope things get better for you soon! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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That's what I have been saying for years. OR, does your DW know you post on Urban Baby?!? Good to get a guy's opinion! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 10:54 AM Flag
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this sub thread, from "Hmmm..." down was not me. It was interesting and thoughtful, so I'd love to take credit but it was not mine. -OR (ps- I would add, you should ask your former therapist for a recommendation (if you liked him/er but I say don't make your couple therapist your individual therapist. It has several potential negative long term effects. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 11:08 AM Flag
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I highly recommend a book called How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.10.08, 07:00 PM Flag
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what is he trained to do? why do you say that he has high earning potential? when was the last time he held a f/t job? what did he earn at that job? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:46 AM Flag
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OP: In the past ten years, he has NEVER held a job for more than 6 months. Instead, he tried various business ventures (which all failed) and he temped off and on. Basically he has not made more than 45K since he graduated from grad school ten years ago - sad, but true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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WHOA. I think you're getting some bad advice here- the fact that your husband does not have a job does not make him a "loser" from whom you should run as fast as you can. No one would ever advise a man to leave his wife bc she doesn't work. Now, the lying and the depression and the pot smoking are different issues. Have you tried therapy? for him and/or for you both as a couple. sounds like he's really depressed and needs help. fwiw, I can't tell you if he's an addict or not, but addicts lie constantly- about everything to everyone. GL. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.14.08, 10:53 AM Flag
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We were in couple's therapy for four years. Finally left b/c I had my second DC and had no time (or $) - frankly, I loved the therapist, but I don't think it changed anything. He goes to his own therapist now for depression. Apparently he loves her but I doubt he tells her the whole truth. He [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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I just read your post. I am going through a very similiar situation. My husband is an alcoholic and I have two little girls. I can relate to a lot of what you said. Love his parents (they know nothing), excellent father, does not really work, etc...He starts an outpatient program next week. If he does not stick with the program, I told him we are done. How have things progressed for you since July? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.26.08, 12:29 PM Flag
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Sounds like you need to go to Al-Anon. You are acting like the wife of an addict and you should talk about it with people who deal with it too. Don't make any decisions about leaving him yet. Just go to a few meetings and see what you think. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.26.08, 12:45 PM Flag
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WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE RESURRECT OLD POSTS!!! THIS IS 4 MONTHS OLD! DO YOU THINK OP IS STILL WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.26.08, 12:58 PM Flag
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