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Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

[ - ] I put in 1k for FSA dependent care but was laid off in May. Can I use it towards DC’s camp in August or is the money gone ? 12 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:19 PM Flag
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lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:33 PM Flag
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What's funny about this question? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:39 PM Flag
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I recommend calling HR from your company - you may still be able to submit claims for charges incurred before your layoff. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:34 PM Flag
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I know this but did not incur any claims, it was planned for summer camp. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:04 PM Flag
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By charges incurred before...the OR is referring to camp deposit, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:26 PM Flag
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I see, none either. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 08:09 PM Flag
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Sorry you were laid off. I believe you have til the end of the year to use it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:48 PM Flag
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Yes, use it for camp. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:23 PM Flag
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You can use it if you’re looking for a job. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:49 PM Flag
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Congress has relaxed the rules due to the pandemic so check with your employer to see if they are allowing the new exceptions. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:14 PM Flag
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What ever the amount subtracted from your paycheck to date you can use that for that calendar year. If you chose 1000 for 1 year they might have taken out only 500 for last 6 months. So you can get only 500 back. It was your pre tax money deducted from your earned money so you can use it for this tax year irrespective of your job status. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:16 PM Flag
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Thanks, just confirmed this with Trinet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 08:10 PM Flag
[ - ] Does it make sense for DD to take Intro to Computer Programming in Junior year followed by Precalculus in Senior year ? She is taking Algebra 2 for sophomore year but struggling. She may be applying for a business degree in Canada which requires precalculus. Whole point of doing Intro to Computer Programing is to pull up the GPA for applying to US colleges. 7 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:17 PM Flag
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If she can't finish Algebra 2 then, depending on the teacher, she has no change in a CS class. She may get a fluff teacher who doesn't really cover anything but most will cover things over her head. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:38 PM Flag
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+1 As a rule, computer programming comes more easily to mathematically-inclined people. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:11 PM Flag
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If she can't finish Algebra 2 then, depending on the teacher, she has no change in a CS class. She may get a fluff teacher who doesn't really cover anything but most will cover things over her head. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:38 PM Flag
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This was actually suggested by her GC, because it is an intro class, it would be easier for her . [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:08 PM Flag
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No, it does not make sense to take a break between those classes. It’s actually a really bad idea, and especially if she is already struggling. If she needs precalculus, sign her up for next year but meanwhile find a tutor and/or class to solidify algebra 2 over the summer. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:26 PM Flag
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Former math teacher here. Do not do this. Precalc will be hard even if she remembers A2 - if it's all a distant memory it's going to be brutal. Can she take an online course this summer not for credit so she nails down her A2 skills? She'll need them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 10:19 PM Flag
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OP: thank you all for your input. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 10:57 AM Flag
[ - ] Any recommendations for a day camps in the city for 11 year old boy, preferably sport camp 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:12 PM Flag
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asphalt green [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:16 PM Flag
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Chelsea Piers [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:07 PM Flag
[ - ] Okay, I know it has been asked before, but now that Cuomo has said camps will probably open, are you sending your kids? Outdoor camp seems reasonable to me. Thoughts? 6 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:04 PM Flag
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I willnot send my kids to all day camps. I would send my son to baseball camp and my dd to theatre camp (they only have 15 kids at a session). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:10 PM Flag
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Which baseball camp? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:12 PM Flag
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I have no idea. If one opens, I would send him. I am trying to look for different options because the camp they normally go to is out for me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:25 PM Flag
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+1. We would have to travel by subway to get there, which is the most concerning part for me, but hopefully isn't too bad since most office workers aren't rushing back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:52 PM Flag
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I would. I think we already had it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:55 PM Flag
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Not right now. My kids' day camp already canceled (it wasn't mostly outdoors anyway). I will watch and see how things go, and maybe consider it in mid-July or August. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:57 PM Flag
[ - ] Looking for Netflix, Prime show suggestions. Just finished Space Force (I liked it). I like most everything but dramas are my least favorite. How’s Upload or the al Pacino Nazi hunter series? 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:34 PM Flag
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Upload is great! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:40 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:44 PM Flag
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Have you seen Wild Wild Country? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:38 PM Flag
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Ooh that was good [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:54 PM Flag
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Red Oaks and Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on Prime. Dead to Me and Workin Moms on Netflix. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:39 PM Flag
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My wife loves Mrs Maisel, has watched it like 3 or 4 times while waiting for the new season to come out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:53 PM Flag
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Simply couldn't make it through the final season. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:58 PM Flag
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I never thought I'd even start watching, but loved Longmire... different, but the actors are great and it is really well done. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:59 PM Flag
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Mrs Maisel: loved the first 2 seasons, cannot get past episode 4 or the third season... it lost something IMO. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:00 PM Flag
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It lost a lot, I just couldn't believe that was the same show. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:39 PM Flag
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The latest season of Mrs Maisel is just horrible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:29 PM Flag
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pp- yes, so disappointing... had truly enjoyed the show before. Not sure what to watch next. I loved Red Creek (or something like that) about that country club in NJ in the 80s. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:36 PM Flag
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The story lines were all over the place, some quite ridiculous and annoying. Some of the characters were already not even silly, simply annoying (the father and the bickering with the in-laws). Let's not talk about the language which was not period appropriate at all. Even the costumes were more kitschy than stylish. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:22 PM Flag
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Op- i forgot to add Britbox show suggestions. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:41 PM Flag
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If you like food and Travel: somebody feed Phil and Restaurants on the Edge [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:07 PM Flag
[ - ] How much over budget would you go for a house that hits every single thing on your wish list? Assume that the budget was not pushing any limits of affordability 10 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:26 PM Flag
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For me, would depend on how long you’re planning to stay in it and certainty of income / funding. Eg - if DH / I were doctors (high, stable, and predictable income) with 1 DC but planning a second, I would 100% get a house that’s big enough that we wouldn’t need to upgrade in a few years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:33 PM Flag
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In this Econ you, under budget. In good times, my mortgage person tells everyone to stay under the jumbo limit. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:41 PM Flag
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That would depend on why I set that budget, where it is and whether the house is priced right. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:53 PM Flag
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We set the budget because it would be a 2nd home and we wanted it to be a "no feel" cost- basically, we could service the mortgage and taxes, max out our 401ks and still save at least 20% of post-tax base income without having to change any of our habits (we currently save about 50-55% of our net base income, so basically the mortgage and taxes would come from that) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:06 PM Flag
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In that case I would not want to go over budget. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:10 PM Flag
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The alt is we can put more down to lower the monthlies [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:30 PM Flag
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For an investment property, we went 200k over budget because it was the perfect house for our needs [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:58 PM Flag
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for me it wouldn't be as much about my personal budget but more about if the house was overpriced for what it is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:15 PM Flag
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I definitely don’t think it is, but the current owners bought it (in 2005) at a 70% increase of the previous sale price (just 1 year prior). They currently have it listed at $50k more than they bought it for, so I’m not sure how much further down they would be willing to go unless they become desperate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:28 PM Flag
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you need to take a look at the comps and make a decision based on that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:32 PM Flag
[ - ] My 16yo DS, who has always been sweet, polite and an excellent student, met up with his friends at the park yesterday and came home red-eyed. He admitted he smoked and vaped weed with his friends, hated it, and will probably never do it again. I'm just at a loss. He really has always been such a good boy. This is the first time he's done something like this. How to handle? 12 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:24 PM Flag
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Tell him you are happy he told you. That he should remember how he feels. Talk about peer pressure. And then move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:25 PM Flag
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Thank him for being honest, keep an eye out going forward, and it's 100% normal for a teen to experiment with pot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:26 PM Flag
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Nothing to handle here. Best case scenario frankly. I would may be just mention: well, you lived and learned. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:27 PM Flag
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this [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:59 PM Flag
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Oh no. Sounds like he learned his lesson. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:42 PM Flag
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Every kid tries something. Be glad it was this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:43 PM Flag
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Every single kid has experimented. At least he's close enough to you to tell you about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:00 PM Flag
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just be on the look out that this was not a once and done type of thing, remind him of the possible effects, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:05 PM Flag
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And he's still a good boy. He's human, he is going to experiment. This is the outcome you want. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:19 PM Flag
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Hey - he shared with you! He is a good kid. He would have tried pot at some point, most likely. Hopefully he can stick to his guns and avoid it in the future. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:41 PM Flag
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So while I would tell him that I appreciated his honesty, I would also let him know how surprised I was. And if this was because of peer pressure, we would need to have a talk about choosing better friends. But I’m not a mom who wants my kids to think of me as a friend. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:59 PM Flag
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be supportive. this is totally normal behavior that a good chunk of middle schoolers engage in. have lots of open conversations about abusing drugs and alcohol that are realistic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:03 AM Flag
[ - ] Being a single parent during this pandemic really blows. That is all. 21 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:09 PM Flag
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I can imagine, I'm barely holding on with a DH. How many kids do you have? Is the other parent in the picture at all? Any family nearby you can lean on? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:14 PM Flag
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OP: 1, but he has a ton of anxiety and it's making each day really hard to go through. No other parent in picture. No family nearby. I think I just need school to end. Some days I wonder if it's even worth it anymore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:32 PM Flag
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I've offered my highly anxious kid to just the school year here. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:50 PM Flag
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I hear you - we have been super strict about quarantine, getting school done, etc. and all of it is just an insane amount of stress (on top of being simultaneously swamped at work in crisis mode, while fearing losing your job). Just a few more weeks!! Hope you can find a day camp option for DC this summer, even if it's just for a couple of hours or days a week. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:54 PM Flag
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I can't imagine what it must be like. I wish we weren't so isolated. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:25 PM Flag
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OP: It was challenging pre-pandemic, but it just feels like it's leveled up to an unsustainable place right now. I know I need help - psychologist, etc. But I'm so slammed with his school and my work each day, I have no energy to sort that part out. All I want to do at the end of the day is pour a glass of wine or dive directly into the bottle. I cut out booze though because I felt like it was messing with my sleep. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:34 PM Flag
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Sending you love, OP. That is really tough. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:28 PM Flag
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OP: Thanks. I really appreciate it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:33 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:59 PM Flag
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there are good webinars out there for single parents during this time. hopefully he is able to speak to/reach out to his peers so that he has social interaction [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:35 PM Flag
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Remember when people talked down to parents who "stayed together for the kids"? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:39 PM Flag
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Remember when people talked down to single parents? Like, right now? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:44 PM Flag
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Everyone in this threads seems pretty respectful to the decisions op has made with her life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:48 PM Flag
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Saying shit like this: "Remember when people talked down to parents who "stayed together for the kids"?" Is dickish. Plus you have no idea if OP being a single parent is a decision. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:02 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:06 PM Flag
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NP: My DH and I have been fighting for 11 weeks straights, which is just adding to everyone's stress, so stop with this nonsense. Suggesting that someone being with an unfit partner or in a shitty relationship is somehow superior to being single is foolish (and that's assuming that OP even had a partner in the first place - many single parents elect to do so on their own from the start) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:58 PM Flag
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Are you the pregnant mom whose DH is contemplating divorce? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:23 PM Flag
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Nope. Divorce was never on our radar - been together 15 years and have 2 elementary aged kids. The stress of this shit just has us fighting constantly. I wasn't implying that our relationship was shitty or unfit... but if stuff sucks for US, I can only imagine how awful it is for someone who is in a terrible relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:43 PM Flag
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np. same same. good relationship but this pandemic has strained everything. Nobody is at their best right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:01 PM Flag
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Those parents deserve respect AND SO DOES THIS MOTHER. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 10:21 PM Flag
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FWIW, my kids' school called yesterday bc our elementary girls had stopped turning in assignments. I had been thinking they were "optional" and we were all kind of done with school. So you're not alone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 10:21 PM Flag
[ - ] are people who moved out of nyc since March and planned to stay through the Fall changing their plans to come back earlier seeing that the likelihood of school starting in september is higher? 10 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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New York City 06.03.20, 02:00 PM Flag
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We are not coming back. Purchased a home OOS. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:42 PM Flag
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Not coming back. I understand Cuomo has issues the statement in camps but I don’t think that necessarily translates into schools opening and even if they do I think the risk of re-closure as high. I’m discouraged by the talk of other events being cancelled - Met Opera, delayed museum openings, etc. - as an indication of what the city will be like. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:17 PM Flag
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If you move out of Manhattan until classes come back in person, let's say in January, do you lose your right to be at a public school? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:20 PM Flag
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why do you say January? it seems that there is an absolute likelihood of schools re opening right in september [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:37 PM Flag
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Our PS principal sent out a survey to see who was planning to return next fall and noted that if school was remote and people were hunkering outside of the city (as a large portion of our school's population is), that it was fine and they were welcome to attend from wherever they were. Now I don't know if this specifically includes folks who physically are changing their primary residence for good (i.e. pack up and sell the place). But I think as long as you still maintain an NYC address you are fine. That said, they literally have no way of proving or enforcing this over the three month period if you're already registered/enrolled in a school, so it's pretty much honor system. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:19 PM Flag
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We are out of the city until september. If schools open up we'll come back then but not before. I don't believe they will open. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:25 PM Flag
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Same. We will come back for in-person school. We're back right now to pick up some things and it is a ghost town. Nothing is open, even our local bodega is closed. I wanted to support so e local places while we're here but only the chains seem to be open. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:07 PM Flag
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Lots of us live here FT (i.e. no second home to flee to) and most of our local small groceries/bodegas are open and many restaurants have been open throughout. It's not terrible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 04:41 AM Flag
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what makes you the likelihood of opening is higher? If anything, the protests are going to seed a second wave of outbreak. Identifying a new inflammatory syndrome for kids not helping. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:31 PM Flag
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Public schools will open in Sept - will be a massive surge to re-open after entire summer with little to no covid cases, evidence globally of schools opening and kids not being at risk or carriers and large segments of our communities unable to function - feed children, work themselves - without schools open. Mistake of closure will be acknowledged (slowly) and eventually rectified by NY politicians who are already under incredible fire for incompetence. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 04:05 PM Flag
[ - ] I thought I was tired and groggy in the morning because of alcohol. But I stopped drinking, and it turns out I'm still tired and groggy. Any thoughts? 25 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:59 PM Flag
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you are not a morning person? totally normal [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:04 PM Flag
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+1 I wake up at 6:30 am and ready for a nap by 10 am. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:06 PM Flag
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Same. I've been sober a week now. I'm still kind of dizzy. I think I'm just sleeping like total crap. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:08 PM Flag
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Alcohol can mess up your sleep patterns for a long time after you stop. Stick with it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:26 PM Flag
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+1 it takes several months but it's very well worth it to not have it in your life/body [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:29 PM Flag
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Yes - I think that it's just the state of the country right now. We can keep rationalizing things all day long but we're all under a lot of stress. My sleep has been really agitated for months now. I wake up with stiff arms and clenched jaws every morning. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:13 PM Flag
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I haven't had a drink in 25 years. I still wake up tired and groggy. I'm middle aged and a night owl. The best thing I can offer is to get yourself on a consistent sleep schedule, no caffeine after 3 pm, and no screens at least an hour before you want to go to sleep [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:20 PM Flag
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Totally same. If anything, this pandemic has taught me that drinking doesn’t affect me as much as I thought it did. Bad sleep, too many screens, and the rigors of parenting are really the culprits. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:22 PM Flag
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Posted below. No difference for me either, but I think the stress of parenting impacts me a lot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:31 PM Flag
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Not to sound fringy, but I have been able to take time to cook healthier, mostly plant based, some fish and have been taking vitamins. I feel that my mood is much more stable and I am calm. I also went down to 1 cup of coffee and cut out alcohol (mostly because I am gaining too much weight). I listen to Farmacy (dr.hymen). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:27 PM Flag
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OP- I have had a very similar diet to what you describe (mostly plant-based, some fish, vitamins) and I've never been a coffee drinker. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:29 PM Flag
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Maybe you can get your blood checked? Sometimes these issues we chalk off to emotional issues can be a vitamin deficiency or a gut issue, but then again I listen to far too much of the Dr.Hymen stuff, some things we just can't control for! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:37 PM Flag
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Yeah. I stopped drinking completely some time ago (pre COVID). No difference whatsoever. Never got that “amazing” feeling some people report. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:30 PM Flag
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it takes time. I started to feel some real differences around 3 months. It gets better and better. 4 years later now and there's no way I'd go back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:29 PM Flag
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I'm tired regardless bc I'm just not a morning person. But I definitely feel a different type of foggy/groggy when I wake up after a evening of drinking. Plus there's that bloated acidic stomach feeling which I don't miss at all since I stopped drinking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:41 PM Flag
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Are you exercising enough? I sleep so much better and wake up more rested after an intense workout the previous day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:49 PM Flag
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OP- I'm definitely not. That's a good call out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:08 PM Flag
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NP sounds like you could easily check this out. GL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:09 PM Flag
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OR. give it a try. Also, you need some sun exposure every day for vit D production. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:07 PM Flag
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I'm sober but I've had an emotional hangover the past several days (months?) - it has been a very exhausting and depleting period of time, I think many of us are feeling pretty spent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:28 PM Flag
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^^also, definitely do some exercise! I do a hiit class online every morning and it helps tremendously. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:31 PM Flag
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Are you taking Vitamin D? I find that helps. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:34 PM Flag
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It takes a lot longer than a week to completely finish going through your alcohol withdrawals. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:41 PM Flag
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Even if you were drinking more than a glass of wine a night (five ounces, not a big "glass"), it will take your body some time to detox. Give it another week or so. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 10:23 PM Flag
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go get your bloodwork done. could be low iron, low B, a thyroid problem, etc... in the meantime, drink a lot of water when you wake up and do something like running in place or jumping jacks to help get you going. make sure you let the light come in too if you had closed your drapes or pulled down your shades or whatever. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:07 AM Flag
[ - ] Spin off of teen/tween girls. Dd is 12 and has pretty good hygiene. She ha hair underneath her underarms. I mentioned to her very neutrally that if she wants she can shave and she did not seem interested. Wanted to hear from others with girls similar age. Don't want her to get bullied, also I think hair there contributes to BO which she does not have right now but she is not doing much right now being at home. 22 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:54 PM Flag
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You mentioned it, if she is not interested leave it. My seven year old cannot wait to shave becuase of something someone told her at school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:57 PM Flag
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OP: yes I will not bring it up again but just wondering what other girls her age do about that. I don't want her to get bullied bc of it. Legs I would not think about, but underarms is a different story [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:00 PM Flag
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but you rarely see under the arms. if she doesn't want to shave, let it be. if she is going to a wedding in a sleeveless dress, maybe show her what it will look like under her arms (in a mirror etc) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:03 PM Flag
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OP: thanks. Yeah I am not saying anything else to her bc def don't want to make her self conscious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:19 PM Flag
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Does she have BO? If yes, buy her deodorant. If not, no worries. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:59 PM Flag
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Whenever I hear a parent say "I don't want them to get bullied" over something that bothers the parent but not the child, I feel like the bully there is the parent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:00 PM Flag
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Bully seems like a strong term. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:05 PM Flag
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I agree, bully is a strong term but it seems to me like the parent actually cares and "worrying about bullying" is how they justify it to themselves. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:09 PM Flag
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if she doesn't smell now, she probably will be fine re BO concerns. It would have started earlier than the hair growth. One of my DC started having slight odor at age 9. other DC has no odor. I think kids are more lax these days w hair and stuff. I would leave it up to her if she wants to shave or not. It is rarely even noticeable since it is in a hidden place [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:00 PM Flag
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So she has BO but she uses deodorant. What I mean is that the hair did not make BO worst but she is not very active. I have a younger daughter who is 9 and has horrible BO much worst than the 12 year old. I guess you're right about the hair not being noticeable but when she has a lot of it so not sure how common that is [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:03 PM Flag
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no hair wont make it worse [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:10 PM Flag
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My 13 dd is the same. She doesn't care and I think it is fine. At first it made uncomfortable bc I always shave my armpits, but I e adapted to the idea that it is nbd. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:02 PM Flag
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Hair does not contribute to BO. Men do not shave and nobody considers it unhygienic. It is a social thing not a hygiene thing. Personally, I taught my dd to shave and she does it sometimes. She never gets bullied. She has no interest in shaving her legs really either. I don't have advice but I have a similar daughter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:03 PM Flag
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Her generation is much more evolved than we are. They don't care about her underarm hair. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:08 PM Flag
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Yes, this is part of body positivity. I think it's great. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:10 PM Flag
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np: I confirm that. I teach in college and a lot of girls do not shave their underarms. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:15 PM Flag
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agree. it isn't like when we were young [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:12 PM Flag
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I really agree with this. I was in high heel clogs and leg warmers in middle school, make up too. My DD is in 9th, no make up, comfortable clothes, no heels, hair in a bun and she is still the cutest thing. They are definitely getting that right. Also same with my senior DS girlfriend, very natural. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:30 PM Flag
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OP: thanks everyone for the weighing in. I don't have any close friends with girls similar age/issues so had no one to ask. Sounds like hair is now "in" and does not cause BO so all good! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:22 PM Flag
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my 15 yo dd is the same and i think some of her friends are too. i don't care as long as she uses deodorant. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:26 PM Flag
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I have a 12 yo and would not suggest body modifications. If it came from her, we would talk about it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:02 PM Flag
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my dd has been shaving since she was 11, but doesn't always do it. she's now in high school. I don't think the other kids care at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:08 AM Flag
[ - ] Is anybody using the subway regularly right now for work? Is it crowded? 4 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:51 PM Flag
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My son did yesterday from Brooklyn to Manhattan, he said it was empty [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:59 PM Flag
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I use it occasionally at non-rush hours. More crowded than it had been but not as crowded as the buses are. As a generalization, I don't think that you can be six feet away from everyone else, but if you pick your car you can be three feet away from everyone else. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:41 PM Flag
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I used it Sunday. It smelled like Chlorox with a touch of pot. There were 2 other people in my car, both directions. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:47 PM Flag
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That can be the new perfume - chlorox with a touch of pot. :-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:01 PM Flag
[ - ] s/o the Son of Sam post below- I feel like we haven't heard of any serial killers since the 90s. Are would-be serial killers just buying high-powered weapons and committing mass shootings now? 2 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:50 PM Flag
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We are under way more surveillance now, it would be hard to get away with it for long. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:59 PM Flag
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What rock have you been under? https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-lists/american-psychos-10-modern-serial-killers-youve-never-heard-of-102597/darren-deon-vann-103158/ They tend not to get caught right away, but they’re always out there. I think they always have been. There was a famous one from the turn of the century Chicago World’s Fair. He built a whole building to carry out his murders. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:32 PM Flag
[ - ] Does anyone have any info whether UES Moms is on pause or closed? I only see old posts. Or did I get banned? 24 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:46 PM Flag
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It was discussed yesterday and even made it to the MP list. Search for UES mommas. It was closed, at least for the time being. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:49 PM Flag
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Search UB? Are you new here? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:53 PM Flag
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Ha! Was about to post that. I don't understand why UB can't fix the search function. It really helped me when my youngest dc was applying to K. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:54 PM Flag
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It was archived on June because of members bullying admin to add another moderator who was black. The admin said that they tried having another moderator in the past and it did not work out so her and one of the original group founders who is a woman of color decided that at this time they don't want to add any more moderators/admins. People started posting nasty things about the admin although she has used the group for a lot of good, charity projects, donations, etc. I admire her decision and hope she sticks with it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:51 PM Flag
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TY for the synopsis. That's too bad. I got lots of good advice from there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:53 PM Flag
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Yes I got great advice as well and I am sad that the admin was pushed to a point where she either had to give in or continue having multiple posts attacking her personally. If I were her I would just remove all the people attacking her but I guess she want to take the high road. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:56 PM Flag
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Do you think she might reopen or this is permanent? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:59 PM Flag
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no idea! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:03 PM Flag
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This [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:12 PM Flag
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Yes, completely agree with you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:14 PM Flag
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Hi lindsey [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:07 PM Flag
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You are mad [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:06 PM Flag
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UES Mommas admin keeps posting here and replying to herself non stop. The last post eloquently begging for a single black member in a group of over 30k moms had over 500 likes and hundreds of comments in favor. She had an egomaniacal and petty outburst and shut down a resource that she volunteered for, but did not own. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:43 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:02 PM Flag
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You are probably the poster who caused the shut down of the group because the phrase “Eloquently begging” gave you away. There was nothing eloquent about it. There was one poster who was blatantly accusing the admin of racism [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:17 PM Flag
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I read at least 5 separate essay length posts saying the same thing. I didn’t write any but would happily claim credit if I did, and I wholeheartedly agreed with them all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:46 PM Flag
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And the mod caused the shutdown obviously. She literally shut it down lol. If she didn’t like the group she should have just left. What an egomaniac. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:46 PM Flag
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Many posters pointed out that refusing to let POC be heard was racist. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:48 PM Flag
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Accusing someone of racism is a STRONG allegation, and is used of late as a cudgel to beat people with. It will lose all meaning if it's used just because someone doesn't accede to requests --i.e. demands. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:02 PM Flag
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This [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:05 PM Flag
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Calling someone racist bc they don’t want to add another admin, black or otherwise, is ridiculous. Even worse are the people saying the other admin who is a POC doesn’t count bc she’s not dark enough. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:42 PM Flag
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Latina is not black. What are you talking about?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:47 PM Flag
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So, she should not be viewed as a minority? What a twisted view of the world!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:05 PM Flag
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Actually I am OP and I am not the moderator. I asked a harmless question and you made assumptions. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:53 PM Flag
[ - ] For the first time since March, I got up early, put on my sneakers, tied on my "muzzle" and went running in CP. I FEEL GREAT!!!! 5 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:20 PM Flag
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I am missing cardio. have an injury [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:21 PM Flag
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:( [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:31 PM Flag
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Yay! Do it again tomorrow :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:36 PM Flag
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I'll try, thanks! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:55 PM Flag
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It was nice, and I kept pulling off my mask to blow my nose. Maybe I should get a muzzle mask too, LOL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:48 PM Flag
[ - ] Why is there so much more looting downtown (even in high income neighborhoods like soho) rather than Uptown? Plenty of high end stores on the UES but they’ve been untouched while Soho is burning. Is this a function of where the looters are coming from (Brooklyn?) 24 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:06 PM Flag
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HM - because, as Willie Sutton said... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:18 PM Flag
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Chanel on 63rd has smashed windows [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:18 PM Flag
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I'm guessing here, but I would assume it's because downtown has a younger crowd who are more politically active and more likely to be protesting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:22 PM Flag
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there is more protesting downtown because it is adjacent to City Hall, Foley Square and other government offices where people usually protest. Soho is within a mile of that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:27 PM Flag
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This! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:49 PM Flag
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Exactly - and the looters are using the protests as cover. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:50 PM Flag
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Right, because everyone here in Brooklyn is looting the fancy Manhattan shops. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:33 PM Flag
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Lol, I can't even afford to live in Brooklyn. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:45 PM Flag
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Newsflash: the looters are not coming from Brooklyn. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:35 PM Flag
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Where are they coming from then? If you can afford to live in manhattan, are you really out there looting stores? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:38 PM Flag
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Everywhere in the city and suburbs. And you do realize that Manhattan isn’t entirely white and rich, and that there are plenty of neighborhoods in brooklyn that are more expensive than manhattan, right? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:42 PM Flag
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Most of Manhattan south of 96th street is comfortable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:47 PM Flag
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OY. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:59 PM Flag
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Dude, have you been to Brooklyn in the last decade?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:00 PM Flag
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Proximity to the protests/city hall [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:44 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:35 PM Flag
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They are coming from everywhere. These are organized groups at this point who purposefully steal and have nothing to do with the protests. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:04 PM Flag
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Protesters by day, looters by night. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:08 PM Flag
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No, these are well organized criminals who know how to distribute the merchandise. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:12 PM Flag
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I don’t care if it’s Apple or Gucci but it hurts to see the video of a mom and pop pharmacy or Kwikee mart getting trashed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:17 PM Flag
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Hence the curfew, make it harder for looters to hide behind the protesters. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:51 PM Flag
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this. looters are a different group than the protestors. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:44 PM Flag
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THIS [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:04 PM Flag
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I think it's because uptown has more security and doormen. Many uptown buildings have hired extra security. On the UWS stores were broken into but police were right there. In Soho police are completely overwhelmed [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:53 PM Flag
[ - ] WWYD? Last week, our nanny of 3.5 years had a minor stroke. Because of the quarantine, DH and I were home, called 911, and she was treated in time and will make a full recovery. If not for the quarantine, she would have been alone with our 10 month old and 3.5 year old children. She is 69, and I have increasingly felt she is getting a little too old to do this job safely. Should we offer 6-8 weeks severance and let her go now? Or do what she wants - two weeks off and back to work? More details in comments... 70 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:38 PM Flag
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I would give her the generous severance and let her go. She needs to take care of her health even if she doesn't want to, and you need to not be worried all the time that something will happen again. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:41 PM Flag
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+1. I know it's hard, but she is old and needs to take care of herself. Her adult children need to step in and take care of her either in Jersey or SA. Your children are way too young to have someone with health issues taking care of them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:44 PM Flag
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Ditto the above. Her immediate family that she has bee supporting has the obligation, not you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 03:40 AM Flag
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Is she working legally? If she is, you can let her go with a nice severance. If she is not, I might call to an immigrant resource center and find out what she might be eligible for. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 04:48 AM Flag
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OP - a major issue is that she seems to have no way to retire. She has no savings, and sends all her money to her adult children in South America to complete a home she purchased there. She had a daughter in the tri-state area, and refused to stay at the daughter's home during her recovery (doctor cleared her to go home alone). She wanted to stay with us, and I am increasingly nervous about these boundary issues. We are just not her family. She has provided good, loving care to our kids for years, and I want to be fair. But I am overwhelmed by having responsibility for this woman's life, even as I question whether she can continue to do this job. Thanks for listening. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:41 PM Flag
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One difficult thing is that in South America in this situation, you would be treating her like a family member. So there's a cultural divide in place. This sounds really, really challenging. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:50 PM Flag
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really? when I stayed with a family in south america they barely aknowledged the help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:59 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:51 PM Flag
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IME, in parts of SA nannies are NOT treated as family. More like an appliance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:03 PM Flag
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They take care of long term nannies, yes. Not sure where you were, or perhaps not with a wealthy family? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:08 PM Flag
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My family in SA was far from wealthy but my grandmother took care of my uncles nanny until she died but this is different, OP’s nanny needs to be taken care of by the nanny’s children/family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:06 PM Flag
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It’s an inherent dilemma in this country where middle class families employ working class household staff with no tradition or economic possibility of keeping them on or helping them when their skills are no longer optimal. Where does your responsibility end? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:14 PM Flag
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yes, that's it. first, i would check out the domestic workers' alliance and see what suggestions they have. second, hate to ask, but does she have status to work here? if so, does she have medicare? if so, see if there is any way she can get into a live-in rehab program at long term care facility? that buys time to figure out a plan. if you can get her in there, then maybe the generous severance after that. the pp here is so on it. this is what happens in a society founded on slave labor and unwilling to recognize domestic work/caregiving as a key variable in our GDP. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:06 PM Flag
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This is bull. People think of their help as less than in almost of those countries [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 04:42 AM Flag
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No to living with you and don’t worry about her retirement. She has a plan. Her adult children will take care of her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:37 PM Flag
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Yes, she made her plan. Got herself a house now it’s time for her to enjoy her house. She sent her money to her kids and they need to take care of her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 11:58 AM Flag
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Is that going to violate employment law? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:49 PM Flag
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Why? If she can't do her job safely, she can't stay. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:06 PM Flag
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Ageism, and fired for health issues. She could sue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:09 PM Flag
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OP - I honestly don't know about the law, we'll look into it. But I am not worried she would sue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:15 PM Flag
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np: No, the Age Discrimination law only applies to employers with 20 or more employees. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:49 PM Flag
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This. Similar to how buildings under a certain size/owner occupied can discriminate when it comes to tenants. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:03 PM Flag
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I think it depends on a job, I am sure she would have a very weak case given that she works for a household and has to take care of very young kids who could be endangered. At her age she is eligible for a lot of benefits from free medical care to subsidized senior housing and getting social security. I am assuming that she is a citizen or a legal alien. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:14 AM Flag
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If not, she won't get anything. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 04:45 AM Flag
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If her physician clears her for return to work, she’s supposed to be able to return to work. I get your concerns, but in another work setting, they’d be afraid to fire her. You weren’t looking to terminate her before this happened. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:18 PM Flag
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I agree. This is kind of a NIMBY situation. A transient ischemic attack with no physical deficits in no way disqualified her from doing her job. I don’t mean this cruelly because I get your concern but ethically you are wrong. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:29 PM Flag
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But does the physician cleared her for physical work. You don't know that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:43 PM Flag
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OP - we are working on this. We asked her to clear her doctor to speak with us so we can understand any limitations before making a decision, and she agreed. No, I would not take her word for it. She believes she is invincible and will tell us the doctors say so, too. We could ask for a letter or something, but right now she has agreed to let us speak to the doctors. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:47 PM Flag
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How could any responsible physician clear someone who watches children and has had a stroke? Once a person has had a stroke, it is very likely they will have another. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:17 PM Flag
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Are you in NY? NY is an "employment at will" state meaning you can terminate employment an relationship at any time, for any reason. Equally your nanny can leave at any time, for any reason. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:43 PM Flag
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No you can’t if the reason Is one of the protected classes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:25 PM Flag
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I am not a lawyer, so OP should ask legal help and also maybe research if discrimination law applies to households. It's a very different dynamic and the type of job. There are laws excusing companies with under 50 employees from a lot of obligations of bigger companies, like providing benefits and health insurance, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:19 AM Flag
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+1000 - it’s going to be hard but keeping her around longer won’t make things easier [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:53 PM Flag
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OP - one other option (and what DH wants to do) is let her come back, and basically give her a bit more time. ~3 months or so to make a plan, offer to buy her a ticket back to her country at the end of the summer. This only seems doable because we will be home all summer (according to employers), so while she would take the kids for walks, she wouldn't be alone with them for long stretches. I feel like this is extending the pain, but trying to come up with a solution. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:16 PM Flag
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It may be extending the pain for you, but it would be giving her more time to get her affairs in order. If it ends up getting awkward, you could just pay her for the remaining time and let her go. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:18 PM Flag
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So this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:24 PM Flag
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So this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:24 PM Flag
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i do not think you are obligated to keep her employed forever but if i were you, I would go to the greatest lengths to do what you can that provides money and time for a plan. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:09 PM Flag
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This is a good idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:43 PM Flag
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This is a really good idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:04 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 02:17 AM Flag
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A solution for you, you or the nanny? Because your posts suggest that you don't really care what happens to her once she is out of your house. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:25 PM Flag
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^^for who [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:25 PM Flag
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OP - obviously I do care or we would let her go. Honestly, we have temporary care all summer that is a better option for us, and I worry about my children's safety in her care. I am agonizing over this because the best option for us may not be the best option for her. Not sure how you got that I don't care. If I didn't, we would pay her severance and send her packing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 05:55 PM Flag
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That OR was out of line. If you did it care, you would just fire her [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:16 AM Flag
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Completely unnecessary comment, it's obvious that OP cares [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 02:19 AM Flag
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NP: You are an amazing person. This would be a wonderful thing for you to do, and I can't say how impressed I am. Our nanny cared for our kids from birth to elementary school. When she developed breast cancer we paid for her surgery and covered her during her recovery. I can't just chuck someone out of my life who has been such a part of our lives. She is fully recovered, and she attended each of our children's high school graduations...at their insistence. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:25 PM Flag
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That sounds like a reasonable idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:26 PM Flag
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If you have been paying her on the books, could she qualify for unemployment? You can lay her off and she may qualify for the Covid-19 unemployment as well. I would not leave her alone with kids that young. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:20 PM Flag
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ITA. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:52 PM Flag
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We had a similar situation, older nanny who had serious health issues, we had a come to Jesus discussion with her family and she ended up moving to live with her son. She passed a few years latter. Reality is, in many ways we were her family, in the sense of having obligations. OP, sounds like your relationship is not as close, but you need to think about what you can live with, in all senses. At the least, I'd get in touch with the daughter and discuss what can/should be done for the mom, just firing her and leaving her with health issues and no income isn't something I could do if I had any financial resources myself, but maybe OP sees it differently. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 04:23 PM Flag
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OP - but I think this is my question. What are our obligations? We can't afford to pay her indefinitely, while also paying for additional childcare. I don't think that by employing her I signed on to support a non-family member adult for the rest of her life. This may result in a come to jesus with her daughter, who was totally willing to come pick her mother up and take her home last week. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:02 PM Flag
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Is there a reason for you to think that she is requesting this type of support? It seems like she has a backup plan and bought a house in her country and also has a family. I don't think you are on the hook or should be on the hook to support her for the rest of her life and it's not like she is asking for it. I think she is just not ready to retire yet and wants to keep working. It's a different issue. She thinks she is capable. The easiest way out usually is when the family doesn't need childcare anymore, vs. having to lay off existing nanny just to hire another one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:25 AM Flag
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OP - but I think this is my question. What are our obligations? We can't afford to pay her indefinitely, while also paying for additional childcare. I don't think that by employing her I signed on to support a non-family member adult for the rest of her life. This may result in a come to jesus with her daughter, who was totally willing to come pick her mother up and take her home last week. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:02 PM Flag
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OP - sorry, I don't mean to sound callous. Obviously, these are complicated relationships and entanglements, and I am struggling to find the balance between doing what is right for our family, and figuring out what is fair to our nanny. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:08 PM Flag
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I think it is difficult because she is not ready to retire and you are sort of pushing her to retire. You will need some excuse as to why you no longer need her and will have to provide severance. I don't know how close you are to discuss this, retirement is a touchy topic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:28 AM Flag
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NP: First kudos to you for caring. It always amazes me how few people do care about the people who care about their children. I would contact the daughter in the tri-state area and explain that as much as you appreciate her mother's caring for the children that you need to move onto another care provider. Your nanny is not without family, even though she is without financial resources. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:22 PM Flag
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If she has been employed legally she would be eligible for social security. On her behalf can you check what her benefits are? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:22 PM Flag
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Yep, since I assume you have employed her legally, she will get unemployment as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:23 PM Flag
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Also this. She will get unemployment and you can also add severance. And due to her age she is qualified for many benefits. She definitely should be able to support herself here and also seems to have an option of leaving to go to her country or living there PT. The hardest issue here is not that she will be on the streets if OP lets her go, but having to convince her that she should retire. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:30 AM Flag
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I believe as long as you are a legal alien you are eligible for social security even if you didn't work a single day in the USA. Elderly immigrants get it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:29 AM Flag
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I think you give her as much as you can and say a tearful goodbye. She will get unemployment and also tell her you strongly suggest she live with her daughter or go back to her country to the home she is building/built since obviously she does plan to go there. I completely agree with being generous and supportive but I also think that you shouldn't have to be responsible/enable her stubborn life choices. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 07:52 PM Flag
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Perhaps OP did not employ her legally? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 09:45 PM Flag
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The biggest issue would be if she doesn't have a green card yet, as she may not be eligible for the benefits. However if she was paid off the books, she just won't have employment record and won't be able to apply for unemployment, but she still would receive social security and medicare. OP can compensate her with a generous severance to make up for lost unemployment. The issue is if this lady is a legal alien or not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:33 AM Flag
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Depends on how you can afford. Can she be a housekeeper for six months while looking for another job? She could cook clean even shop, make less and you get a housekeeper and feel good. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 08:51 PM Flag
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You wrote she doesn't have any money saved because she has been sending money to build a house. I assume the house is where she plans to live in her retirement. When is the house going to be finished? When was she planning on moving into the home? So at some point she planned to move back to her county. Have you asked her plans? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 11:34 PM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:33 AM Flag
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Problem with all humans is we don’t consider us old. When I was 20 I thought 40 and 50 will be quite old. I and there and consider myself young. My dad is 80 and still doesn’t want to retire. It looks like she is not mentally ready to retire but she did plan for her retirement. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:08 PM Flag
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True, but she must love/like these kids and if OP had a grown up conversation with her about risks going forward - she probably would agree she has to retire and begin the next phase of her life. Its not like they are throwing her on the streets - she has a "new" home and family which is so much more than many "old" people have. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 01:17 PM Flag
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OP - than you all for your help, She is working legally, so it sounds like we need to help her explore some of the benefits she might be able to access. Agree that this is a mind set issue - she may need to retire, and has made plans, but is just not ready. We are just continuing to pay her for the time being and having some of these conversations, so hopefully she will start to ease into this mind set in the next couple of weeks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 01:19 PM Flag
[ - ] My 15 year old DD is on Discord chat servers a lot. I let her be, asking her to be appropriate. I recently saw something objectionable and went into her discord account. It was a mess. She has been very very inappropriate, almost egging on boys to send her "diXX" pics and then forwarding them as trophies. She uses very very inappropriate almost porn language in her chats. She has not shared any pics of her own to my knowledge. What should we do? 5 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:25 PM Flag
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Tell her that she's circulating child pornography and take away her ability to use Discord. No computer except for schoolwork, and that should be closely monitored. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:34 PM Flag
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I agree with this, but I think you also need to try to find some way to give her an outlet for his risk taking, attention seeking behavior -- it is a little harder right now given what it is going on in the world, but is there anything else you think could be an outlet for this part of her personality. e.g., I would give her her computer if she was doing makeup tutorials on youtube, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:43 PM Flag
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also note that it's you OP and your dh who will be the ones arrested. with that said, I've heard from df's with older dc's that this is very common. it's a function of the internet age you your dd just being part of this norm. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:13 AM Flag
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Shut that shit down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:44 PM Flag
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im too old i dont even know what Discord is [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 06:32 PM Flag
[ - ] I work in a small office. It's "opening up" before NYC even allows for this, legally. It is not an essential business. I don't have to go in every day, by far, but when I do . . . nobody else is wearing masks. I am PO'd beyond belief. 15 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:14 PM Flag
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Aren't companies required to? I didn't think it was an option. The city will provide companies the masks for their employees. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:20 PM Flag
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The office isn't even supposed to be open. Seems like requirements are out the window! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:29 PM Flag
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All you can do is wear one yourself I guess. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:45 PM Flag
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If you wanted to report the unsafe conditions and the fact you are being made to go in, you could call the county health commission. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:51 PM Flag
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Cuomo has been very clear that you should anonymously report this. This is against the law right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:18 PM Flag
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Grow up. Wear your mask. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:20 PM Flag
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I am wearing a mask. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:37 PM Flag
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Are you going into an office where it's impossible to socially distance? If not, then don't tell me to grow up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:40 PM Flag
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Actually, I was laid off in March. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:53 PM Flag
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The state is opening up completely and most companies will be back to in-person soon. One or two weeks won’t make a difference. I’d be careful about reporting the company especially if it’s small. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:38 PM Flag
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Oh, I'm not going to report it, I don't need to lose my job. I would just like to know that the building itself has done everything THEY need to do legally and that the company is doing everything THEY need to do legally. Right now, they are most assuredly not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:42 PM Flag
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Can you call the building manager to find out what they’ve done? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:44 PM Flag
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I believe that buildings will have to do something to HVAC systems? I believe that businesses, and I am sure buildings, too, have to have a written plan for what they have done and what they will do in case of an outbreak in the building. But since none of the businesses in this building are essential, perhaps they haven't had to do those things *mandated* by the state yet? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:50 PM Flag
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You are not the only one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:45 PM Flag
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Thank you. I also have a friend in another office in the same situation. And she is in an "at risk" population because she's diabetic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:02 PM Flag
[ - ] Seeking real estate advice. We've outgrown our current home and are looking to buy a house between 2500-3500 sq ft in the town we already live in. In our town, 1.3M gets you a house that hasn't had updates to the kitchen or bathrooms since the 40s. Renovated houses are closer to 1.8M. we can afford 1.8M but it feels like a huge amount of $$$ for a moderate-sized house. Would you buy a unrenovated house and do the work yourself or buy one in move in condition for a lot more $? Dh and I both work stressful jobs, have 2 school aged kids, and he is getting an MA nights. I feel like a renovation would be incredibly stressful. 37 Replies [ Reply | Watch | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:12 PM Flag
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Based on what you described, buy move in. It's not worth the stress doing the renovation yourself. $1.8 mil seems a lot for a moderate size house but if that's the price range in your area, you will be able to sell at the same range in the future. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:16 PM Flag
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In my world we’d be moving to another town. But it doesn’t sound like you’d want to live with the renovation mess and you’d have to pay for all the work to be done. Expensive and stressful. Ante up more money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:42 PM Flag
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I would happily move to another town but I don't want to uproot the kids. Also, my parents live 5 min away. The other option is just staying put in the house we bought for $70k 10 years ago. It is not updated but it is liveable and it will feel bigger when my oldest goes to college in 5 years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:05 PM Flag
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Correction: 700k! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:06 PM Flag
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Can you do renovations there that make it a better fit? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:19 PM Flag
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Hmmm. How small is the house? How old are you? Will the house work when you’re empty nesters? 5 years is going to fly by. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:41 PM Flag
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We are both 49. Dds 13 and 10. Current house is 2200 sq ft, 1 full bath, 1/2 bath, tiny, tiny closets. 1 bath is challenging w a teen and preteen girl. We don't really want to renovate this old house on a tiny lot. We will likely move out of this very expensive burb w excellent public schools when last kids is out (10-12 years). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:07 PM Flag
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np. Is there a way to add one bath? That will improve your lives quite a lot and the resale value of the house. Buying a house just for 8 years seems wasteful. Also, it seems yours is on the lower end of an expensive suburb, these are in short supply and it may be easier to resell. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:14 PM Flag
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We would likely hold a new house for 10 years to give youngest a place to come home to the first couple of years of college. Is owning a house for 10 years wasteful? Looked it up and average length of home ownership is 8 years. It is true that our house is very desirable bc of its "low" price point of approx 1M. We could add a full bath in the basement. Not much room anywhere else. And our "cozy" kitchen is from the 1940s. Moving just seems much easier than renovating but I guess I have a hard time spending the $$$. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:32 PM Flag
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It all depends on your financial situation and only you know how that purchase affects you. Just plan for different scenarios - prices falling down, how much of a hit can you take? Can you stay there while your kids are in college if selling doesn't make sense? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:47 PM Flag
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Ok, 10-12 years to live cramped is hard. I understand why you’re considering moving. It’s just that $1.3-1.8 million dollars just sounds like a big spend right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:29 PM Flag
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OP: yes, I think you are right. For now we will stay put and watch the market. I will spend any extra time I have getting rid of anything and everything we no longer need and use, which will help with the tiny closet situation and our overall sanity. That way if we do move in 6 month or a year, the whole process of selling and buying will be much easier. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:57 PM Flag
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I was just going to say that too :) Do a big kondo, comprehensive house cleaning. Lighten the clutter and possession burden. Repaint the entire house. Keep your eye on the RE market. You have a really nice budget to jump on a house if you see one you loooove. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:36 PM Flag
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also, you can have custom closets and shelving built. do a real evaluation of your space and add storage wherever you can. consider hooks for coats and bags too. we have several and it really makes a difference. we did tall built-ins in our dining area and then had a custom table made that's narrower than normal to accommodate the built-in. this wasn't free, but it's way cheaper than moving. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:19 AM Flag
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Stay unless you really want a larger house even after DC's are in college. I've done a bathroom remodel myself and had my kitchen remodeled. It's a lot of work and is stressful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:14 PM Flag
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Renovations are stressful. Depending upon what needs to be done, you may not be able to stay in the house. Its noisy, dusty, power and water may need to be shut off at times, and you have other people in your home. [ Reply |