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06.10.20, 20:17 PM General Topics
28 replies
I dated a guy pre quarantine. It took him weeks to ask me out. Shy, sweet, incredibly smart. For two months of quarantine we were writing emails, texting, calls, zooms. He was AMAZING and romantic and hinting at our future. Then we had a terrible call and he was angry, combative, and somewhat demeaning. And then in a text after that call he blew me off and then started on the dating apps. I ignored. One week passed and he emailed and asked if 'we' were OK. I responded with an honest, kind "good luck and so long" email. RADIO SILENCE. It's been a month. I thought since we worked at same office (not same company) and will see each other daily once this is over that he would have replied in some way. What is going to happen? I've never dated before. He's in his mid 40s. I just don't understand what happened. Did I misread the situation? I reread the email I sent and I stand by it being honest and kind. I would send it again today. Can someone decode this? I feel so shocked. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.10.20, 08:17 PM Flag
 

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What happened on the call? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:19 PM Flag
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It was a long call, about 90 minutes. He started off in a terrible mood. I told him about a victory I'd had that day and instead of saying oh cool congrats he was sullen, angry. And it just kept getting worse. I don't want to say specifically but he just keep needling me (or so it seemed). After the call I texted him how happy I was to hear his voice and then he blew me off with this total 'player' text - a persona I had never seen. I can't overstate how out of character the entire thing was. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:23 PM Flag
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OR how out of character his initial wooing charm was. Move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:27 PM Flag
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Oh I see. So his wooing was the part that was really out of character. Got it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:29 PM Flag
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1) you wrote about this before 2) you never explained what went down 3) he’s not into you, move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:21 PM Flag
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you've never dated before and are dating someone in their mid 40's [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:22 PM Flag
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Correct. I married in my 20s. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:26 PM Flag
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presumably you dated in your 20s? (Just for context, i got married before I could legally drink and the only person I've ever been in a relationship with is DH, so I'm not judging) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:47 PM Flag
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He was my college boyfriend. I had boyfriends in my early twenties but never 'dated.' NYC men scare me to death but oh well here I am [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:49 PM Flag
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I think, no matter where you are, dating should not be a game. If someone is not being respectful to you, drop them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:06 PM Flag
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You made a decision to discontinue. Let. It. Go. Seems like he did you a favor. He’s not begging you and he started looking for other people [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:22 PM Flag
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I just don't understand how someone could put SO much time into a relationship. So much energy. He spent hours and hours. And then destroy it and not try to work it out. That's just not me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:27 PM Flag
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BUT it is him. You need to do yourself a favor, move on . [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:30 PM Flag
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np -- it is what it is -- you've written about this before, I say with compassion and understanding you have to let it go and not torture yourself trying to analyze and understand. Just breathe it out, look for new people, be professional with him when you have to see him and that's it. He sounds unstable and has and is hot ad cold, that's all you need to know. From now on only use your energy to let it go, work on yourself and do good things for you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:37 PM Flag
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^^ has anger issues, is hot and cold. You ended it, rightfully so. Move on and live your best life. Work on whatever it is in you that wants to hang on to someone with unhealthy issues and obsess over this. I understand, I do, but you are wasting your energy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:41 PM Flag
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OK I know you're right. Thank you. I just needed to hear it. I think I just feel so stupid. I'm socially sophisticated in so many ways (my job demands it). And I feel like an idiot for falling for this. I have to stop replaying it in my mind and questioning my own instincts that lead me to make a clear and present choice to end things. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:51 PM Flag
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pp -- I really do understand, and feel a lot of compassion for you. I obsessed over similar things in a similar situation and literally wasted months and months of my own time. In the end, I know it is the hardest thing to do, but I wish I could have saved all of that energy and time. The man has psychological issues, relationship issues -- it is a common thing in dating actually -- sometimes they will come on really strong in the beginning and "love bomb" you as someone else pointed out -- then suddenly change course and show you a different side. The lesson is you see that this person is not good for you and move on and use that experience to understand the next time it happens with someone that way, you let go. Until you find someone stable and compatible and NICE (which takes time, to really know how someone is).. It really is very simple. You did not have experience in dating, give yourself a break, but let go of the obsession and fantasies about him (what happened, why, what will happen when you see him, what he thinks etc). Just worry about yourself and again, be the best you you can be and then you will be able to be more ready for a healthy, nice relationship. You did indeed dodge a bullet as someone else said! GL!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:28 PM Flag
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not OP but this responder sounds so nice. I wish we were friends in real life. You sound SO smart and NORMAL. Not trying to Love Bomb you lol but it would be so nice to have a friend like this IRL. :( [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 12:03 AM Flag
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op here: thank you very much. I hope I can help someone else when it happens to them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 07:19 AM Flag
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as it inevitably will... :( [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.20, 03:20 PM Flag
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It's a thing. It's called "love bombing" - google it. You got love bombed. Not worth your time to think any more about it- move on. https://www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:41 PM Flag
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Yes this is very helpful. He's incredibly gifted so his 'bombing' was a bit more subtle but it definitely was a manipulation. Thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:57 PM Flag
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+10000 covered in S1E01 of SATC ;) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 11:28 PM Flag
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You dodged a bullet. I know what you mean in terms of being in shocked by the behavior. It's him. Truly. Some guys get off on the drama and being pouty. Mid 40s and behaving this way? It's not even a matter of maturity in his case. He's disrespectful and not a gentleman at all. Frankly, sounds a lot like my ex DH who is a narcissist. You deserve more. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:56 PM Flag
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Thank you. At this point the only thing I am TRULY mad at myself is dating someone I now have to see on a daily basis when COVID is over. I could let it go more easily without this one element. Live and learn. I have to forgive myself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 08:59 PM Flag
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I totally get it. Forgive yourself and don't worry so much about seeing him bc really, he's the one who should be mad at himself for being an ass and losing a great person. I'm of the mindset, truly, that these things happen to get me ready for something so much better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 09:24 PM Flag
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TY [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 07:19 AM Flag
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You said goodbye and good luck. If there isn't a specific work thing to talk about why would he call? If he did you'd see it as stalking [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 11:26 AM Flag
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