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06.07.20, 23:20 PM General Topics
28 replies
I miscarried last Wednesday at 12 weeks. Ended up in the hospital with extreme blood loss. Just now finally feeling better physically, but emotionally - it's another story. I am struggling to keep it together and just feel like laying low until I get a grip on my hormones. DH's brother and his wife had planned to stay with us for a few weeks. They are moving from Seattle to where we live (east coast) and needed a place to stay. Agreed before this all happened and kept our commitment but it's so hard to act like nothing's wrong and host/entertain this other family right now. DH is doing the bare ass minimum and expecting me to be my usual cheery self. DH's parents now want to come to stay with us too, to see everyone. I also lost a job I loved a month ago - due to the pandemic. So we are under greater financial strain and I feel like I'm going to break. It's just too much. Don't know how to handle this. Would you be mad at your husband? Am I being unreasonable? How do I survive an extended family visit when I feel this bad? Anyone BTDT? Thanks :( [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.07.20, 11:20 PM Flag
 

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Do they know? Do you care if they find out? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:24 PM Flag
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1) I would be mad, but the solution to that is to have a frank talk with him telling him what you want/need; 2) You are definitely not being unreasonable and 3) You need to tell your DH that you will join for meals but otherwise he needs to realize that you're not available. You'll be in your room, reading/resting, going for walks while listening to music/podcasts, etc. If he questions you AT ALL get your OBGYN on the phone and s/he can read him the riot act. You need to take care of yourself right now. The cover story can be "she's had some personal medical issues she doesn't want to talk about" and people need to mind their own business [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:39 PM Flag
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OP: yes, they know. We told family at 10 weeks unfortunately. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:18 AM Flag
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Then tell them you need to be alone to heal - DH is in charge. Stick to it and don’t feel guilty. Tell the parents you’re not up for a visit yet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:43 AM Flag
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I am sorry about your loss. it's a shitty experience and frankly nothing can make it better. BTDT. Your husband cannot possibly understand plus you are dealing with hormones, nothing can be done about that until they get to pre pregnancy level naturally which takes some time. I am assuming you didn't tell anybody about the pregnancy so just try your best, find some alone time. blame the headache or whatever. good luck! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:25 PM Flag
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OP: we told both families at 10 weeks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:19 AM Flag
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I would just tell them and say you need a lot of rest. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:27 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:53 PM Flag
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I'm so sorry! I would absolutely sit my husband down and have a serious conversation about this. Maybe you can find an excuse to leave for a few hours if you find yourself getting upset? I hope there is an end date to their staying with you? If not, definitely get that sorted & communicated to them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:41 PM Flag
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^ you know what, I just saw that they know about the miscarriage. I’d like to change my response to a hard no, they need to stay elsewhere [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:03 AM Flag
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Put your foot down! Everyone get the hell out! Don't worry about stepping on toes - they obviously don't care about stepping on yours. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:45 PM Flag
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I am with this poster. The offer needs to be rescinded. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 11:59 PM Flag
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+2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:43 AM Flag
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Yes! Girl you had to be hospitalized! DH needs to just tell them need your personal space rn [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:01 AM Flag
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Agree. Circumstances have changed. You need time to grieve and you should think about yourself/your needs and not hurting others' feelings. Agree that they aren't thinking about yours right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:06 PM Flag
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+3. They all know and they’re still showing up? Maybe I’m a jerk but your ILs have no sense. And also, I’m sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:02 AM Flag
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You are hormonal and anemic. You need a lot of rest. You need to have a very honest conversation with your DH. Depending on your relationship agree that he tells his family what happened. I hate the whole "medical mystery" thing it makes for a weird vibe and everyone finds out anyway. Likely SIL and probably MIL have also had miscarriages/pregnancy loss. There may be more sympathy there than you are giving them credit for. Take good care of yourself this is hard. It may be a decent distraction if they entertain you or even just sit with you. Can the visit be shorter or flexible in length in case you need space? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:01 AM Flag
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Op: everyone - parents and BIL knows [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:20 AM Flag
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Oh Honey, You need to sit your DH down and break it down for him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:15 AM Flag
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I am very sorry for your loss, OP. And for the job loss, as well. I would get on the phone tonight to explain that you are just too devastated to host and you are incredibly sorry but you need privacy and rest at this time. DH should be the one to break the news to his brother but given what you have described I would be tempted to call his wife and speak with her woman-to-woman. I hope you don't mind me saying so but the sun will shine again. Hang in there. Sending hugs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:39 AM Flag
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I would only agree if DH promised to handle everything and you can just stay in the bedroom by yourself most of the time. Even then, if your DH is anything like mine, which sounds like he is, they say they’ll do everything and you still end up doing most of the work. Get a cleaning service, get all the groceries delivered and tell DH to handle the rest. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:47 AM Flag
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I just wanted to say I am sorry and send you a virtual hug. While I haven't had a miscarriage, I did terminate a wanted pregnancy for chromosomal issues at 14 weeks and know how awful you must feel. I ended up having the perfect child after that - loving, sweet, funny, beautiful and smart - and I wish you the same! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:07 AM Flag
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Hi OP, your DH, BIL and inlaws seem so tone-deaf that I almost thought that your post must be fake. You lost a child. Nobody should come visit you and bother you. There is no tiptoeing around this fact. Just spell it out to them and stand your ground otherwise this won't bode well for your marriage. I hope that your husband gets to read the comments here and that you gain a stronger sense of self-worth (I'm a dad fwiw). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:45 AM Flag
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Strictly from a physical perspective, you cannot be at 100% yet. Your body is recovering, you lost a lot of blood. So from that point of view, you need to be waited on, not be waiting on others. And emotionally... grief is exhausting. Anxiety is exhausting. Can you tal to your SIL and MIL about what you need? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:14 PM Flag
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Op, I am so sorry for your loss. Since they know, the decent thing for them to do is to ask if you are still up for this. I am guessing they are avoiding the subject because they don’t want to look for another place to stay. How soon were they supposed to arrive? Depends on whether it is a week from now or a month from now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:06 PM Flag
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I had a miscarriage at about the same last summer and made the mistake of not opting out of plans with extended family soon after. It prolonged my recovery. If I had it to do over again, I would have opted out of those plans. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:24 PM Flag
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I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had a miscarriage, it is a profound loss and of course you don’t feel like partying. It is absolutely true that your hormones go off a cliff at a time like this, plus the job loss and the added stress of this crazy time. Do what you need to do for yourself and fuck what your in-laws think. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:33 PM Flag
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I am sorry for your loss. You deserve better from yourself and from everywhere around you. Your primary objective should be self-care, not to be confused with being selfish. You need to process and have a shot at healing, no rushing. Anything else will make life harder for everyone around you. Explain this to your husband calmly. He needs to be on your team, others don't matter. He needs to man up, process his own feelings, face the loss you have encountered and bat for himself and you. Good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:49 PM Flag
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