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06.30.20, 23:53 PM General Topics
39 replies
Anyone having trouble WFH w/ DH around? I've learned I have a "work persona." I'm a senior leader with a large team. I'm effective in my job for a reason - I get sh*t done. I get in my zone. DH likes to talk...ask me one off questions in the middle of meeting , asking me to mute so I can tell him where some food item is in the freezer for example). He likes to chit chat when I'm not in a meeting (rarely) but am having quiet time trying to reply to a million emails and such. He says I can sometimes be direct/short/transactional. I'm never rude, but it's been really hard for me to play lovely dovey wife adding "honey, babe, or sweetie" onto my replies. Sometimes I'm just moving fast and trying to get him his answer. His feelings end up being hurt at least 2x a week because I think he's just not used to this side of me. Anyone else struggling managing the marriage dynamic while WFH? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.30.20, 11:53 PM Flag
 

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Can you have a sectioned of area to work during the day? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.30.20, 11:59 PM Flag
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Op: Still working on that. Right now I do have a nook in the corner of the house. I do think I'm going to have to get more drastic and move to a bedroom that's not ours. I think I have to be out of sight for him to recognize that I'm simply unavailable to him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:24 AM Flag
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My husband goes in to a small tv room that is his office by day. I stay out of his hair and only engage w him if he comes out to hang out. I know his tone and tenure has nothing to do with me and he’s in work mode. Have you tried telling your husband that you need some space to be able to stay mentally on? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 03:39 AM Flag
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you need to set boundaries with him. When you are "at work" you are "at work." Period. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:02 AM Flag
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OP: Yeah. I need to figure our how to do this and stick to it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 04:30 AM Flag
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NP. Use your words, you are both adults, remind him that you are "at work" and need to keep interruptions to a minimum. Maybe schedule a specific time during the day to spend with him, like lunch, and then get back to work. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 02:44 PM Flag
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My 12 yo behaves better than that. He clams up when I'm in a meeting and ducks if he has to walk by. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:13 AM Flag
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Does your DH resent your success? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:14 AM Flag
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OP: good question. maybe? he would say he's more than supportive though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:18 AM Flag
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np. sounds like he's intimidated by badass professional you, and prefers someone who would stroke his ego and play caretaker to him (interrupting you to ask about things in the freezer, really?) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:27 AM Flag
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lol no. it just sounds like he doesnt understand boundaries and cant understand that you have work responsibilities and a work persona. just sit him down and tell him when youre working you are a different person and need to be that person to get your job done and to not bother her. any reasonable husband would understand. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:45 AM Flag
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100%. and if you are efficient at work, you get done work faster. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:50 AM Flag
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So I guess this is the fundamental question I have. He leads me to believe part of us all being stuck inside means that I should be more loving and adapt my persona because circumstances are "different." What you're saying sounds more like how I'm operating isn't wrong and he's the one who needs to adjust? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:50 AM Flag
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^^ This is OP BTW if my language wasn't super obvious [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:01 AM Flag
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what you need to do is not interact with him during the work day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:11 AM Flag
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lol ur hopeless then, id put my foot down but this 100% will cause issues [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:32 AM Flag
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OP: it will cause issues for me to put my foot down? Or cause issues if I keep status quo? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:42 AM Flag
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putting your foot down, he sounds overly emotional or irrational. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 11:58 AM Flag
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Yes. You’re not being mean, you’re just trying to work from home. The less you’re interrupted, the quicker you can go back to your home persona. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 03:40 AM Flag
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That is some next level nonsense. Seriously. I'm a big law partner, my DH also works, we respect one another's work and don't interrupt calls. And no, you don't magically have to be "nicer" because you are WFH. Try to be patient and not take out work frustrations on DH, sure, that's great, but you don't need to change who you are just because he's intimidated and insecure. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 02:47 PM Flag
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np: maybe he just didn’t quite grasp what it entailed [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 12:18 AM Flag
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I don't have any advice, but I think my DH is cheating on me with you! He does all those things, as well as ask inane questions that could be easily figured out without me, and when I'm curt or don't give him the attention he craves, he sulks or gets an attitude. I posted a few weeks ago about how he also can't walk past me without trying to kiss my neck or have random make out sessions. I'm exhausted and annoyed every day, and I never thought I would miss the office! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:06 AM Flag
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OP: YESSSS I remember reading that post and found it HIGHLY relateable! Also, everything you posted above resonates. Especially the super touchy-ness and also the craving of attention and asking inane questions. It's like they're SEARCHING for a way to be noticed by making up reasons to ask dumb questions. I 100% know if I were in the office, he would FIGURE IT OUT. The sulking and attitude part is really what is making this difficult because having to do conflict resolution with him multiple times a week over STUPID STUFF is wearing me out and actually makes me want to spend LESS time with him. Okay vent over. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:34 AM Flag
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One thing one of my friends said to me is that some people are super attracted to seeing their spouse in action. Maybe that's what's making him super affectionate? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:39 AM Flag
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Nope, he's insecure and threatened by seeing OP be assertive and trying to reassert his own dominance, including physical possession. It's pretty gross, actually, if I were OP i'd find it really unattractive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 02:49 PM Flag
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I feel lame for posting this, but look into "love languages". Basically, everyone has ways that they like to feel loved and show love. Some are quality time, touch, acts of service, words of affirmation. It seems you have a mismatch right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:49 AM Flag
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NP there is no love language for mushy gushy during work hours!!! (Kidding kidding, I get what you are saying!!) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:52 AM Flag
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OP: yeah. well versed in this. DH is words of affirmation and physical touch. I am acts of service. We've had a mis match for our entire marriage. Which isn't bad. Most marriages are mis-matched. I know how to cater to his love languages when I have separation of church and state (work and home). It's this whole mashed up environment that is really messing up the flow. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 04:29 AM Flag
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You don't need to accommodate his love language when you are at work. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.02.20, 11:22 AM Flag
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Yes, if I'm not in a meeting dh assumes I'm available for chit chat. He gets very offended if I say I'm busy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 02:01 AM Flag
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i also manage a large team and have always been in the camp of be your authentic self. I command respect I think BECAUSE i am open and talk about my own failings and encourage an environment where people can be themselves. that does NOT mean I take sh*t and I don't get sh*t done, cos i do. but i don't think there is a big difference between my work and home persona at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 02:10 AM Flag
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OP: yeah authenticity isn't really my challenge. I don't have a dualistic personality at work and home. But I'm not lovey dovey or affectionate at work. It's more about scope. My scope at work is I run the whole show. I don't need to worry about "relational messages" or having to resolve conflict with my lover lol. No one there takes it nearly as personally cuz I'm the boss. At home it's a partnership. So navigating how to give him what he needs has been tough because I can't toggle between both. I need to be able to stay in my zone without the randomization. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 02:20 AM Flag
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Did we marry the same guy? Mine had to go in during the shutdown but on the days he was off work I had to be very transactional and keep to a strict schedule. I had my noise canceling headphones on and took short, well-defined breaks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 03:36 AM Flag
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I could have written this post word-for-word. When I'm working, especially responding to e-mails, I'm very focused, and my husband snaps at me that I'm not listening or that I only care about my work, etc. The struggle is real doing this balancing act. Hang in there! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 01:13 PM Flag
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I think my DH could have written this about me. Thanks for the perspective. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 02:02 PM Flag
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OP: haha glad to help someone. This is really tough to navigate and it's important to not take everything so personal. In fact the stress of having to manage his feelings in all this + work right now is actually making him less attractive to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 05:07 PM Flag
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OP: also adding...give him the space to flourish in his focus zone for work and I'll bet he'll be that much more excited to re-unite with you at the end of the long day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 05:08 PM Flag
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Thanks! I have noticed that he seeks me out more when I disappear for a bit and give him some breathing room. Good tip. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 06:01 PM Flag
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Close door. Put up a sign on it that says "Quiet, On Call" or something. He's not a child, he can follow that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.01.20, 10:37 PM Flag
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