UrbanBaby

06.12.20, 12:56 PM General Topics
12 replies

I am rather bossy and a bit of an overreactor. Have a tendency to snap at DH a couple of times a day. Every time I do it I regret it after but the feeling doesn’t stay with me long enough to stop me from snapping the next time. The first thing I said to him when I woke up this morning after he said hello was ‘did you take out the trash?’ in a bitchy voice after I noticed it overflowing in the corner. In the moment, I am flooded by feelings/stress and it’s almost like I can’t control my tone. How can I stop this? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.12.20, 12:56 PM Flag

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

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Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

Has this been a pattern of behavior for your whole life? Have you seen a therapist before? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 12:59 PM Flag

This was a thing pre Covid but has definitely been heightened because of proximity and time together now. In the past I snapped maybe 2-3 times a week. Have seen a therapist but not for this. Am a generally anxious person. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 01:11 PM Flag

np -- it's good you are aware of it and want to change. I would consider therapy to specifically deal with this and learn new coping methods. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 05:05 PM Flag

So you're aware how much damage you do by every instance of snapping at him? Yet you can't get yourself to stop the behavior. I think you'd have to talk to a real counselor for advice, but my immediate thought is that you're getting something from it. Perhaps you get some sort of release by flagging shit that he's not doing or doing incorrectly. Maybe you have no concept of just how much strife and resentment you're generating by doing this incessantly. I really hope you can find something that works - website, books, talking to someone. If you were my partner, I'd be becoming increasingly resentful every day. You guys are a team. Can you get a whiteboard and divide the tasks and agree that you'll each accomplish your side of the board with no conversation about it each day? Create some system where you don't feel like you need to mother him into doing his fair share. Good luck. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 01:00 PM Flag

Do you realize (when you're not snapping) that you also do annoying things to him, that he has to put up with? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 02:18 PM Flag

Yes I know. He’s just a lot calmer and more centered than me. I don’t deserve him [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 03:00 PM Flag

So, every time you are about to lash out at him, remind yourself that he forgives you without saying a word, so you should forgive him. Take it step by step. Try softening what you say first. Notice how good it makes you feel that you were kind to the person you love. Once you have done that for while, try not saying anything. "Is taking out the trash really that important? What if I let it sit for one more day? What if I let it sit for one more day and then ask him nicely to take it out? Will the world end? No." [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 03:39 PM Flag

Lots of will power. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 03:03 PM Flag

DH is extremely anxious and it sets me off when he questions things I am doing / not doing to his liking. It starts a lot of unhappy fights. Then he feels I am not doing it his way, I am only interested in what I need. The truth is I don't do a lot of things BECAUSE he only wants it "his way," like laundry, or packing. If he feels so "responsible" it's because he's inflexible and critical. I don't know if I can stay with him in the long run but I can't deal with that on top of everything else right now. Huge huge stressor and I can relate on losing my shit and yelling at him, frequently. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 03:16 PM Flag

I suspect this is not the real issue. Something else is making you angry, resentful, fearful, whatever. This is just your outlet. You need to find out what exactly is bothering you. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 03:18 PM Flag

I'm currently divorcing someone like this. Sorry. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 04:37 PM Flag

I was like this before I treated my anxiety with meds and therapy. You need to make changes and become a better spouse. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 06.12.20, 08:19 PM Flag