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06.11.20, 16:21 PM General Topics
13 replies
My father passed away last year from cancer. My mother has been struggling with living alone especially during this pandemic. I was hoping she would speak to a therapist but she refuses. I don’t know what to do. She brings up my father every conversation which I am fine with but I worry when she does this with strangers. She went to get her brakes fixed the other day and the mechanic called DH to tell him what he was going to do to the car and he mentioned that my mother broker down crying. She does this often enough to family, friends, or strangers. I don’t know what I am looking for other than input. Thank you in advance. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.11.20, 04:21 PM Flag
 

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Does she live alone? Look for 55 and older community that has events and place to eat for social stuff [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:23 PM Flag
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Yes she lives alone but she lives part time here and part time in Europe [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:24 PM Flag
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She won’t want to move. She says that if anything she willlive in Europe 100% of the time because we are too busy with our life at the moment (school, work, activities) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:26 PM Flag
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It's just hard for her - I'm sorry [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 05:31 PM Flag
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Thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 05:33 PM Flag
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I mean, she's grieving. It can take a while to process. I wouldn't say she's being "normal" but it's also not abnormal. You never know what could trigger grief like that. She obviously misses your father a ton. I would get her "A Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion and also some other books about loss of spouse. If she won't talk to a therapist, maybe she will read them. Keep encouraging her to do therapy and maybe call it "counseling" or something easier for her to accept- people from that generation have a tough time with therapy as they were thought to internalize their feelings and be stoic. Best of luck to you and her!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:45 PM Flag
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Thank you so much for your advice and the book title. I have posted about my situation before. She lost her sister a year and a half ago to cancer. She lost her father, my grandfather 2 1/2 years ago of natural causes and my father a year ago to cancer. It has been a lot of loss for our family. I do feel like she expects us to fill the void in her life but it’s not possible. Quite often I feel like she makes me feel bad for living my life. Both my husband and I work full-time. The children go to school full-time and both are in sports and other activities. The second half of this year was different circumstances. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:57 PM Flag
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imagine being in her shoes. You lose your DH, and your kids and grandkids too busy for you. I imagine that dealing with the mechanic is something that your own dad would have done, so she must have felt very alone taking care of that herself. The fact that you learned of this from the mechanic, and not her signals that she has no support network. You need to treat your mother the way you'd want your kids to treat you, if you were alone later in life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:25 PM Flag
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Op- we treat her well. My husband always helps her with things my father would typically do. She did not handle the mechanic by herself other than driving the car to the mechanic. DH referred her to this mechanic. He made the calls and he truly helps her with everything she needs that my father would have done. If you read my original post you then read she cries to family, friends, AND strangers. She needs help. DH and I work. The kids are in school. I have no control over the pandemic. We can’t do more than what we do and I can’t wave my wand and make this virus go away. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:39 PM Flag
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How old is she? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:08 PM Flag
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Only 62 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:17 PM Flag
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I'm sorry to hear about your father. Your mother is grieving. My husband passed away from cancer too and whenever I need to do the things he would normally handle, it would trigger memories of him. It's not a bad thing because this is part of grief. Support from family and friends really help me. It's been three years and grief does not go away. The worst was when my bathroom apartment had a leak in the ceiling and then caved in. I knew if I husband were here that he would have handled it. I had to call on close church male members to help. After the call I would break down. I also had a car and gave it to a church member. Now I rely on uber which has taken a lot of stress away. I outsource a lot of things (handyman, putting things together etc). Keeping myself busy also helps. I hope your mom finds something to occupy her time and outsource things where she can. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:18 PM Flag
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Op- My husband helps a lot as does my brother. When it comes to anything my father would typically help with my husband helps and my brother does as well. My brother is not married and is not much of a handyman so he helps with other things. Ironically when my mother’s family or friends became widowed she was able to give advice but does not take ours. She would tell me to tell my widowed mother in law to join church, take up a hobby etc. I reminded her of this and instead I get snapped at so I dropped that conversation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:23 PM Flag
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