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06.11.20, 13:45 PM General Topics
33 replies
Expecting DC 1 at the end of summer. I really want to stay home with DB for the early years, but I also want to earn an income. The ideal solution would be to take a few years off and go back, but it’s easier said that done (in house lawyer, there are always plenty of hungry new biglaw associates fighting for these positions and I have no special skill set). DH is the breadwinner and supportive of me quitting but my compensation is good and I can’t imagine it going to zero. But I also truly believe that having one parent at home is best in the first couple of years. How do I reconcile these feelings and make a decision? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.11.20, 01:45 PM Flag
 

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Do you have the option to go part time? That is the best of both worlds, particularly if finances aren't a concern. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:48 PM Flag
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I could ask but it’s not big in my company and the role likely works best for a full timer [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:57 PM Flag
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This isn’t a knock against SAHMs, but that life wasn’t really for me. It’s boring and exhausting at the same time. Plus I like working. I agree with other poster to maybe try to stay part time if you can. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:00 PM Flag
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I would go back to work initially and wait to see how you feel. The early years are taxing physically, but later years are harder emotionally. For me it worked better to work the first few years and then step back later when my kids were older. If I were you I would go back at least for 3-5 months and then reassess. That way you have an informed opinion. It can be kind of nice to hand your baby over to a nanny or daycare and spend 8 hours with no spit up on you talking to adults. If you realize after a few months that you really belong at home, no harm, no foul. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:01 PM Flag
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+++++ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:05 PM Flag
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Totally agree! I did this - your newborn does not care who is taking care of him or her but your first grader will want you to pick him/her up from school, etc. Be careful though that you hire a great caregiver. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:12 PM Flag
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agree with this! as long as baby is loved thats all they need when theyre so young. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:40 PM Flag
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I agree 1000%. Keep working and try to work youself into a part time position so that when the kids go to school you can work their hours. In some ways it's harder to work when they are older. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:15 PM Flag
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I found it so much harder when my kids were in K and the lower grades [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:49 PM Flag
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I was going to respond the same. How I thought I would be and feel before my baby cake was not at all how it was. I ended up being grateful for work when I went back. It definitely helped pull me out some post partum anxiety I was having and helped me balance out. Better for my baby too (I was obsessing about everything all the time - how much he ate, how much he pooped, how much he slept) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:49 PM Flag
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Another person chiming in to agree. I was really happy to be working (and still am, though it's harder now) when my kids were babies. And I loved the baby stage, but the day to day is just a lot of diaper changing, and repetitive housework while they spend much of it sleeping. Now with elementary school kids, I think it's more important to be more available. I don't have a life affirming job either (I'm a lawyer too) but I really appreciate the routine, getting dressed, socializing with peers, and sense of accomplishment, along with the paycheck. See how you feel. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:03 PM Flag
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I also liked going to work because I could talk to people about things other than being a mom. When you are home, it feels like you only socialize with other moms and you just talk about mom stuff. I like talking with men and women who have kids and don’t and feeling like more of a person that just a mom. That really got me through those baby years where it wasn’t easy to get out of the house with a crazy toddler [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:18 PM Flag
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PP: ITA, and I also feel that it has helped me get perspective which is important for raising kids. Specifically, when I was home, I found that the people I interacted with were all people demographically similar to me -- a group of Upper East Side upper class women all with young kids. It ends up being a self reinforcing unhealthy bubble. I don't exactly work in a bastion of diversity, but it is MUCH better than my home life was, if only for the fact that it includes men, people without kids, and people who have perspective of having older kids. When I was home, I found that would obsess over things like two-year old classes. That was unhealthy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:24 PM Flag
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As a mom of two teenagers who stayed home when they were younger and went back when youngest was in 1st grade -- I agree with this. I did it all wrong. You stay home when they are young for you. You stay home when they are older for them. I ended up leaving 5 years later. I wish I had worked f/t when they were younger and saved all that money and then stopped working when the oldest hit 4th grade. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 10:27 PM Flag
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dont make any decisions yet. take your leave (dont quit) and see how it goes. you may be surprised at how you feel (might hate it might love it). you will have at least 4 months id guess to see how you feel. and in the meantime look for nannies / daycares ..again see how you feel. its easy to quit a job much harder to find one. i had a lot of anxiety about going back to work after my 1st. we had found a great nanny and the thought of going back was much harder than the reality. i love working and am still working FT with 3. anyways long response but wait to make a decision. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:02 PM Flag
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I'm not going to make a decision right now but I doubt my opinion would change. Work is great for the paycheck but I've never found it fulfilling or enjoyable. Sounds terrible but it really comes down to whether I value the extra money more or bringing up DB myself more. Sounds awful when I put it that way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:15 PM Flag
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I don’t find my job fulfilling or enjoyable but you are assuming that you will find being a SAHM fulfilling and enjoyable. It can be as much of a grind as working but no paycheck! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:50 PM Flag
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NP: WAHM with one DC. Babies may be snuggly but are super boring. If there's fulfillment to being at home with kids, it starts a wee bit at 18 months and then really kicks in at 4. If you're really set on SAHM, then do it, but I wouldn't start for the baby years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:12 PM Flag
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Babies are boring and demanding. I remember reading all these books when I was pregnant and I just knew I was getting my baby on a schedule. My baby had not read those books and was uninterested in the napping schedule they recommended! Haha [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:20 PM Flag
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Don't make it a contest between the money and bringing up the baby. Many people do both. You are still raising your child even if you work. Non-kid time during the day is something to value. You think your opinion won't change now because you don't know what the slog is like. Also, don't underestimate starting out routines where you are doing 99% of things because your husband never had to be the one to get home in time to break the nanny. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:58 PM Flag
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ITA with this. It's very hard if you have a 60 hour per week job, but it doesn't sound like you have that. I am home with my kids now and it just brings to light what the job of being a SAHM involves -- either you are cooking, cleaning, and doing housework/organizing all day or you are outsourcing those things and not doing much at all. You don't need to quit working to spend quality time with your kids (that being said two parents both working very high stress/demanding jobs is very tough). Best of all worlds is a flexible job. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:16 PM Flag
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One other random tip. If you go back to work after maternity leave, don't make your first day a Monday. Make it a Wednesday. Easier adjustment. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 02:32 PM Flag
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One thing I would add is that benefit of SAHM really goes up with number of kids. If you have 4 kids, it's hard to balance that (just the appointments alone!) with working -- the mental load becomes overwhelming. You really don't need to SAH to spend quality time with one child, and if you do, you need to be very careful and conscientious to find outlets and not take out a lot of energy and ambition on that child, or you will become a smothering mother. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:27 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:34 PM Flag
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+2 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:18 PM Flag
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I took years off and transitioned back in just fine. My only regret is that I felt like I needed to contribute and dabbled in some small business stuff that really made me only half-in both the work stuff and half-in the mom stuff. That's a miserable place to be. If you decide to stay home, own it! Keep your contacts very active - check in, send Christmas cards, be willing to help out for a day or two if someone needs an extra set of eyes or something. But don't make the mistake I did to try to do it halfway - Type A, successful women end up miserable when they try to do that (at least in my experience). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 03:36 PM Flag
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i like reading all these replies. i also was advised by a mentor if im going to stop working to stop when kids are older. not that it doesnt matter if youre the one feeding your toddler but as long as you have a great caregiver (nanny, grandparent) and theyre safe and loved thats enough for them. once they are older they need you (mom) in such a real and different way. think middle school and high school and all that entails. i think most SAHM are totally burned out by the time their kids are 5 or 6 and ready to go back to work. i see my friends they are over it and counting the months until school starts (being a total slave to your children , in the house etc gets old). i really appreciated hearing that the opposite timeline would benefit the kids more. had never heard that from anyone else, everyone thinks to syay home with a baby and go back to work when theyre in school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 04:39 PM Flag
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I think this is true to some extent, but having watched two different moms take this path (both made insane money and then "retired" early to be with their kids, who were elementary and middle school at the time), it wasn't as easy as that. This view is from the parent perspective, where the mom can shut off work and focus on the kids. The issue in both cases was that the kids had gotten very "parent-independent" and didn't really put value on having the parent around more. It ended up leading to more angst and probably worse relationships because the moms both wanted very close relationships with their older kids, but those are the sort of relationships that you start to build when a kid is 8 or 10. They aren't built through a few (granted, amazing!) vacations/experiences each year. The seeds of that sort of relationship - where a child looks to their parent as their main "true north"/confidante and such - begin much earlier. This is not to say that parents who work long hours can't have a close relationship with their kids, but it's not the same as if you have been developing it from the earlier years, and it's sort of weird for the kids (at least in the two cases I saw, both of which involved amazing women and a total of six kids). In both cases, the moms went back to work and hired a nanny again. Everyone was much happier, but the moms are still sort of wounded by it all. That said, I don't think either would go back and make different choices. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 05:18 PM Flag
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np. that's interesting. it does seem like in these cases the moms weren't around much before they "retired" -- you said insane money which usually means insane hours. That would be very disconcerting to kid to never have mom around then mom is always around, wanting to "hang out" with you all the time just when the kid begins that process of separation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 05:28 PM Flag
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or: Yes, you said much more concisely what I was trying to say! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:29 PM Flag
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pp: thanks, well i found your post to provide a lot of food for thought, as I have a 9 yo DD. I can already see her pulling away preferring to spend time with friends. I think this is an age where parents seem to find their kids more fun to hang with, but kids start finding their peers more fun. Now I'm feeling guilty for all those times I didn't want to play when she was younger. I have always worked but I hope that we have a good foundation to keep a close relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:40 PM Flag
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or: Those AREN'T the kind of relationships you start build when a kid is 8 or 10. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 06:31 PM Flag
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thats interesting. happend to a friend of mine (not making insane money but needed to work). her daughter drew a family pictures when she was like 13 and the mom wasnt in it. ouch. 7 years later shes still heartbroken over it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.12.20, 12:59 AM Flag
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