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06.09.20, 18:16 PM General Topics
33 replies
Anyone else have a tween/teen daughter. I have a 12.5 year old. I just miss my buddy, she is so combative and rude to me (not dh, only me) she takes out all her anger on her brother and can be very cruel to him. Help any BTDT that have advice? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.09.20, 06:16 PM Flag
 

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Yes she is right on time for separation and individuation! Don't take it personally, she needs to do this. You have been close and cuddly and now she needs to start to find her own boundaries and this is what they do. My previously lovely dd was tough around that age, I worked very hard not to feel hurt sometimes (impossible but we can try) and know that they will come back to you. This is just her taking her space, go ahead and let her have it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:26 PM Flag
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so what did you do? how did you engage with them. I cannot do anything right it seems. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:32 PM Flag
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sorry engage with her? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:34 PM Flag
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Well what I tried to do was decide what was important to me and what wasn't. I stopped working hard at seeking connection and let her come to me a little more, called her out when she was rude but didn't insist on trying to have our relationship go unchanged. Sometimes I took the space I needed if she was being a pain. Fast forward a few years she just turned 18 and is super lovely and we are close. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:36 PM Flag
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New mom but also with 12.5 year old. Thank you. I worry I have raised a terrible person and she will grow up into an adult with these traits (even though I remember I was terrible at this age too.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:41 PM Flag
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np. Someone told me to judge tweens and teens on the way they behave with other adults. They take all their frustrations on their moms, but if interact respectfully with other adults, they will be fine. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 02:30 AM Flag
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At 14 here and dying. maybe we can commiserate :( [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:34 PM Flag
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yes please - she is lovely one minute and dismissive the next... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:39 PM Flag
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Mine has been unbearable for about 1.5 years now. So started around the same time as your DD. She was meaner to me at first but now is mean to DH as well. Rude, disrespectful, questions every aspect of every rule and outright combative - there are literally very few pleasant interactions these days. We talk to other parents to see if our rules are particularly stricter than others but feels like we are in the middle of the spectrum. She always compares each rule to the most lax ones that her friends have and starts lashing out. She is, however, super nice to everyone else, has a great group of friends and does well academically. I am just so sad. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:46 PM Flag
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yes! everyone comments on how lovely she is. I just miss her, she still tells me things but I see her pulling away much more. She has nice friends but a handful that are very "fast" and I worry about their influence. Regarding rules, I feel like we are middle of the pack as well but she compares everything to my SIL who has no rules and is very wealthy so her children have no rules and everything they want. The latest is that she started calling me by my first name which DH told her was unacceptable. I would say she is pleasant 60% of the time but she used to be a joy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:59 PM Flag
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I hear you - hang in there. How much screen time does she get across social media, tv, games, movies etc.? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 07:09 PM Flag
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way too much during quarantine. SHe was much better prequarantine. Does not help that we are not sending her to sleepaway camp this summer [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 07:27 PM Flag
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^^ I read the book untangled. That has been helpful but the quarantine certainly hasn't helped (with all the time together) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:48 PM Flag
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Mine is now 15, but when she was around 12 I remember how we could be fine and then she would say something that would literally bring a sting of tears to my eyes because I would be so taken off guard. She is much calmer now, but more independent, has a whole apects of her life that I am not privy to. I hope that we becomre close again in the future. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:52 PM Flag
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When did she turn calmer? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:57 PM Flag
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You just described my situation to a tee. My soon to be 13 year old DD is awful to be around. Quarantine and online school has made the situation worse. I have no advice because I’m not handling it well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:54 PM Flag
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NP and I am so glad to read this thread and know I am not alone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:55 PM Flag
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I recommend the book "Untangled" by Lisa Damour. It helped me make sense of it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 07:24 PM Flag
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Another mom with a 12 y/o DD. She is so mean to me it is unbelievable. Not sure when to pick my battles and when to let it go? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 07:41 PM Flag
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If it makes you feel any better: I work with a lot of recent college graduates and they are all incredibly close with their parents. As far as I can tell many of them talk or text daily and they certainly consult with them on any major life decisions. Try to take this phase in stride and love her unconditionally. She'll come back! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 08:54 PM Flag
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My dd (15) has started going through this unrecognizable phase at 12.5. Everything I say is wrong, she is always in a terrible mood (with me) was the neatest/cleanest kid and now stuff is thrown all over her room, is nice for 3 seconds only if she needs me to buy her something and if I say no for some reason, I am "the worst mother" and will even call me names... I can ask her nicely (or not nicely) to do something and the result is always the same, she won't do it. And since last year, if I get in her room, she wants to kick me out. I look at photos or videos of 3 years ago and wonder where she went... hope she'll turn around. Her phone is pretty much the one thing that matters to her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 09:17 PM Flag
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I’m the poster above - this could literally have been my post. What do you do when she calls you names? I feel like I draw the line there but the only thing that makes a difference is confiscating her electronics [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 09:26 PM Flag
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pp- sorry for coming back just now. Sometimes I am so frustrated and angry that I say bad things to her... then I feel bad because I should be the adult. But in that moment, its not easy to stay in control. Have tried talking calmly to her afterwards, does not help much. Maybe at first and then another day she's back to the usual. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 05:04 PM Flag
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You are me. She's getting more and more combative and it keeps escalating. I work crazy hours and I wish I had time and patience to be the model teenage mom! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 06:06 PM Flag
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op - my dd is getting there - only talks to me about things she wants me to buy her [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 10:20 PM Flag
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OR: my kids aren't there yet but I've read a lot about this stage. My advice would be to call a family meeting on a sunny Saturday morning and explain using words but not showing negative emotions that when she does X, Y and Z those things are disrespectful to you as a parent and frankly hurtful. You have put a lot into raising her but let her know that you recognize that she did not ask for that and she is her own person. Speak with confidence and certainty but also some warmth and affection. Let her know that the time has come for the nature of your relationship to change a bit. You will do your best to give her space and privacy but in turn she will be expected to speak with respect at all times (including no huffing or eye rolling) and she will be required to follow A, B and C house rules. If she does not then she will (for example) first lose her phone for X amount of time, next lose it for longer, next experience grounding without exceptions and lastly lose the door to her bedroom. Conclude by reaffirming your love for her and reiterating that as she further becomes her own person you ask for the same level of respect that any person should show to another person. Personally I would drop the mike and exit the conversation at that point and then be quick with a smile but less quick with any additional warmth in the coming days and weeks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 10:26 PM Flag
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I always feel bad for boys with bitchy sisters, must be miserable for him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 10:20 PM Flag
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he adores her and hates her. She defends him fiercely and torments him relentlessly [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 02:18 AM Flag
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DD sounds entitled and used to getting her way. Maybe don’t put her up on a pedestal and make her work to earn earn your respect and respect of others. Keep being a parent. You are in control. Take away the phone. No social media until 8th grade. That rule exists for a reason! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 02:16 AM Flag
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not OP but in a similar position. How many weeks of toxic home atmosphere will you tolerate to enforce it? Whatever it takes? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 04:20 PM Flag
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My dd. Following. I will respond tomorrow. Good night UB. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 03:11 AM Flag
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Yes, my son is very rude and combative- and almost 14. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 02:53 PM Flag
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read middle school makeover - I found it helpful. I mostly have said, that was mean, or you've hurt my feelings. other times, I just turn it around by being funny. I will also tell her that I love her so much when she's been shitty. or say -"you're the best!" I've also said that there's no reason to rebel, as I'm totally happy for her to grow up cause I have a lot of plans which include extensive drinking and gambling that's she's holding me back from. just do no argue or fall for it. let this phase pass cause it will. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.11.20, 01:12 AM Flag
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