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06.08.20, 18:03 PM General Topics
18 replies
Any advice? My oldest is 8. She is always so cheerful when we say, who will help us clean the bathroom/weed the garden/etc? (Younger sister will be sweet and lovey to try to get out of anything) She always follows the rules, eats what she’s served, she never asks for anything for her bday/Christmas, is happy with whatever activity we do together or put her in (camp/sport/art/etc). The issue: she still has meltdowns if a toddler takes her toy at the pool, or a friend reorganizes her Lego scene, or someone tries to play a game the “wrong” way. We have talked about it a lot, worked on strategies, etc. If we are out somewhere, we immediately take her to the car if she has a fit. But if something violates her sense of fairness, she just really struggles to deal with it. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.08.20, 06:03 PM Flag
 

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She sounds awesome. I would just practice with her. Roll play, make up silly/funny scenarios that are unfair. Get her laughing around it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 06:17 PM Flag
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Thank you :) Great idea [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 06:20 PM Flag
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NP. I've tried this with my DC. Outside of the meltdown she "Gets" it and knows she was wrong. In the moment, she can't control herself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:27 PM Flag
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nnp: she needs skills to manage the metdown, then. breathing, removing herself from the situation, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:37 PM Flag
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is there a resource where I can learn more about these? I've tried many things. reading generally helps her, but that's not the best solution for all contexts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:48 PM Flag
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this is more than you probably need but take a look: https://www.sunrisertc.com/distress-tolerance-skills/ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:51 PM Flag
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thank you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:55 PM Flag
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i have a similar child. I would describe her as very happy, mature, but with meltdowns. I'm not sure what to do, either. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:02 PM Flag
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This sounds exactly like my sister, and 30 years later, she still struggles to deal with it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:07 PM Flag
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That's so sad to hear. I'm the NP with a kid who has these meltdowns and I desperately want to help her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:26 PM Flag
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My parents always say they wish they had impressed upon her sooner that life isn't fair. I would try to flip the script on her and see how her perception of fairness isn't everyone's. For example: "The baby at the pool hasn't learned about sharing yet. You are old enough that you have. I know it doesn't seem fair that he took your toys, but when you had a temper tantrum, you were a big kid yelling at a baby. Is that fair?" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:54 PM Flag
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do you think it's really a logical thing? LIke the kid just needs to understand something? To me it seems emotional. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 08:13 PM Flag
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I agree that it isn't a logical thing. See my response below about OCD. It's not actually OCD, but it is related. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 08:57 PM Flag
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anxiety? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 07:18 PM Flag
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One of my kids is like this. She is a delight. But it really bothers her when people break rules. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 08:19 PM Flag
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try really focusing on the good things you mentioned. Give her tons of praise when she is helpful, grateful, accepting. She sounds like an amazing kid. And at a calm moment, talk to her about how life isn't fair. But honestly, I have a kid like yours. She is now 18. And while I thought it was about fairness when she was little, I have since learned that is not the issue. It's actually more like a mild form of OCD. Mindfulness and CBT help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 08:55 PM Flag
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My kid had different issues, but did have tantrums if he didn’t get his way. The OT would set up a game, like chutes and ladders, and tell DS ahead of time that they were playing, but he was going to lose the game. This was to get him used to the feeling of disappointment and being ok with it. I do think it helped and when we would play at home, I would warn him constantly while we were playing that he might lose. This seemed to help. Maybe do some role playing with your kid... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 11:37 AM Flag
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I was like that. I think it was partially my parents' fault - great parents overall but they tried to shelter me. So when something happened to me that I thought was not fair, I had meltdowns. Once I got out into the real world and learned that life is often unfair, it took me a few years to become more indifferent and resilient. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 03:05 PM Flag
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