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06.08.20, 15:38 PM General Topics
65 replies
s/o of two comments below about wanting the flexibility to quit your job. That has very little to do with your actual financial situation and everything to do with DH's feelings on the matter. Last year I made EIGHT PERCENT of our household income (and I have a 6-figure salary + bonus) - my DH would never in a million years agree to me quitting my job. OTOH, there are plenty of 1-income families whose primary breadwinner makes less than what I make. If you want to optimize for that flexibility, income is not the be all and end all. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.08.20, 03:38 PM Flag
 

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Well, DH's feelings on the matter often have a lot to do with how much money you have. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:54 PM Flag
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True, but my point is that that's all relative. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:12 PM Flag
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At one point DH made 10 times what I did but he was still not in favor of me quitting my job and it was just as well I didn't, I got a better job and he ended up being unemployed for a few months. We would have been screwed if I wasn't working at all [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:22 PM Flag
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Why would you want to quit your job? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:25 PM Flag
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I don't, which is fortunate [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:57 PM Flag
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What's DH's reasoning? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:26 PM Flag
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1) Financial security. A lot of his salary is bonus-based, which we never use for monthly expenses. If he lost his job, we'd have to dig into savings for living expenses, but I would be able to carry our mortgages and maintenance fee. 2) He wants a marriage of "equals" (don't @ me- this is his opinion, not mine. I know how hard it is to be at home all day with kids) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:06 PM Flag
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My DH agrees. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:09 PM Flag
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You are living beyond your means if you can't carry a mortgage withDH not working. I stay at home but when I worked I never made much. DH and I save a lot of money and while he was unemployed last year for a few months, it wasn't stressful financially. He makes at least half his salary from his bonus [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:43 AM Flag
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+1 I SAH for years and DH never made more than $200K. We managed to pay off our house. (No family money. Frankly, we're lucky we're not supporting any parents) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 01:27 PM Flag
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PP: I explicitly said I could carry our mortgages and maintenance fees from my salary alone. We would have to dig into savings for other living expenses, much like you had to when your DH was unemployed. Nowhere did I say it would be financially stressful, I am just stating mathematical facts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 01:41 PM Flag
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Very confused about how a SAHM could say “you’re living beyond your means if you can’t carry a mortgage with DH not working”. Definitionally, neither can you... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 01:44 PM Flag
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I think you might need an introduction to the idea of "joint finances" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:34 PM Flag
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Huh? My DH and I do have joint finances. The pp (I think OP) said if her DH lost his job, she could carry their mortgage and maintenance fee on her salary, but they would have to dig into savings for other living expenses. If you are a SAHM, then by definition, you cannot carry the mortgage/maintenance on your salary, so by your own definition, you are living above your means. Unless you misread the post and thought she meant they wouldn't be able to afford to pay their mortgage at all without DH's job, which I agree, would be living above their means. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 03:21 PM Flag
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I think having a job you like is important beyond just the financial reason. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:26 PM Flag
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yes i agree. obviously not all women want to work outside the home but for speaking for myself its the healthiest option (mentally) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:45 PM Flag
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are you able to balance home and work? I work, and agree that's good for my sanity, but I often feel like my DC get the short end of the stick. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:32 PM Flag
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Why does your DH not feel the same pressure? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:36 PM Flag
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Maybe I'm too type "A"? He's an involved dad, but at the end of the day I just care that things are being done well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:54 PM Flag
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so far its ok. i think will be harder as kids get older(theyre not in school yet) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:32 AM Flag
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My DH admires most women who work; he finds them interesting. He is not against SAHM when there is a need (SN kid, strong preference from the family, etc.) but in general, finds women who have something they enjoy doing outside the home attractive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:28 PM Flag
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But most people who work don't enjoy it. I know you're going to tell me you're the exception, but there is no denying MOST women don't work because it's just something they enjoy that they would do even if they didn't get paid. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:00 PM Flag
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Agree with you; but he personally admires women who spread their horizons, and also women who don't expect their DH to be responsible for the HH finances. He appreciates there are, and should be exceptions, but in general, this is how he sees the world. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:08 PM Flag
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I think there is some truth to DH’s observations [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 01:34 AM Flag
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I highly doubt this. The men I work with have SAHW’s and don’t seem to admire or give a shit about the working moms [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:41 AM Flag
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Like women, there's men and men. Everyone's different. I work with thee kinds of men too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:21 PM Flag
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My DH is the same [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 01:50 AM Flag
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I didn't read the other comment you're speaking about, but this was an interesting post for me to read. I make under 6 figures, but DH makes 4-5X what I make, and I feel so down for my lack of financial contribution. Interesting to read about others also with small % contributions to HHI [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:38 PM Flag
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DH also makes 10x what i make and i also make a pretty decent salary (i mean not crazy money but 6 figures). i work for the personal satisfaction and i dont think i would be happy as a sahm (actually as per the last 3 months has shown i know i wouldnt be happy home all day). DH wouldnt mind me quitting might even secretly want me to, but hes cheap and he wouldnt pay for a fulltime nanny (we have 3 kids) or a cleaning person. i really need to have my own income and pay for what i want without having to ask for money. but this depends on the couple. i just know we would fight a lot over money and i prefer to have my own income. our accounts are separate. he pays all the major expenses and i pay for birthday gifts, stuff for the house, for the kids etc. works for us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:44 PM Flag
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That's a really surprising dynamic to me, considering he makes more than $1 million. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:20 PM Flag
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not ideal but i know who i married (re finances). at least major expenses are taken care of. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:34 AM Flag
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You have to work, because he keeps his money separate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:44 AM Flag
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Fully agree - DH and I both make high six figures and could live on off one salary if needed, but he would never agree for me to leave my job because he likes the extra income. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:19 PM Flag
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Make his life easier, [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:44 AM Flag
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We would be fine on my DH salary but he is super risk averse and would not let me quit a job that I clearly should have. It's interesting he is so persistent I work as he was raised by SAHM. I will always work because I enjoy it but having the support and flexibility of a husband who can support your ideas and dreams is big. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:19 PM Flag
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Whenever I read about these DHs on UB, I realize I probably take my DH for granted and love him that much more. I stayed home for YEARS when my DCs were younger and my DH was never anything less than appreciative and grateful for those contributions. I would have felt terrible if I thought he liked and admired me mostly for my job. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:20 PM Flag
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Not mostly, but why not let it be part of it? I would HATE to have a DH that appreciates me MOSTLY b/c I stay home with the kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:25 PM Flag
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and the OR would hate to have a DH who appreciated her MOSTLY b/c she works [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:43 PM Flag
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Correct, like I would hate to have a DH that would MOSTLY appreciate me for my currently young and hot body. That will go away. The point is that overall, people look at their partners as an overall "package" and feeling. There's different elements that add up to that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 04:04 PM Flag
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Same here. Sahm here but DH used to make 4x I did when I used to work but I stopped working once we had a baby and it was strange at first not making my own income and having to depend on him and I worried about the shift in power dynamic but thankfully it’s been good for the most part. Can’t say everything is on equal footing and not sure if that’s even possible to attain but DH has since gone on to make much more and find success so I feel lucky that we were fortunate enough to do well because if that weren’t the case who knows how things would’ve turned out. DH could’ve resented me for not working and being a drain on our finances, or if he micromanaged on finances, I would’ve been miserable. For our family, having one parent stay home is what we discussed from the getgo and what works for our family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:38 PM Flag
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Do you feel secure in the case of a divorce? Also, does DH still enjoy talking to you about random things, other than kids? No snark at all, but does he still regard you as his intellectual equal. Just curious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:43 PM Flag
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NP. I WOH (well, normally I do) in an intellectual job, but honestly I'd probably have more to discuss with DH if I could stay at home and read (books, news, etc). He doesn't want to hear about my job! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:49 PM Flag
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But then my DH would be like "why am I working 12 hours a day" and you're going to the gym and reading books (other than taking care of kids of course)? And TBH, I'd feel the same way if he was home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 06:00 PM Flag
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I’m not worried about divorce and he doesn’t care about my earnings from before our marriage and pre-sahmhood and yes, we have a good relationship and DH confides in me for all new job/investment prospects and values my opinion. I’ve been supportive of all of his endeavors and I generally am not a big spender and very practical so he doesn’t worry about me and vice versa. We discuss all of our financial decisions together but I trust him 100% and he puts my name on all of our investments so everything is jointly owned. He’s also good to my side of the family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 06:35 PM Flag
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Generally not a big spender probably means that you DH would not be comfortable with you spending money that you don’t earn. It’s a tough dynamic - definitely not for everyone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 01:38 AM Flag
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That's a bizarre statement. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:43 PM Flag
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No, it means we see eye to eye and have a similar spending pattern. Don’t try to twist things to fit your narrative and to make yourself feel better [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:37 PM Flag
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I'm the OR, and yes, I would have felt very secure in the event of a divorce when I was SAH. Certainly no less secure than the other respondents who make like one-tenth of their DH's income. We're both frugal, live-waaayyy-below-our-means types, so I'd be fine on way less HHI. And I never understood this "intellectual equals" thing. My intellect hasn't really changed over the years, whether they were my working years or SAH years. I guess DH is smart enough to get that? Ironically, we probably had more to talk about during the years I was home because I was more well-read about current events/politics and had a lot of interesting volunteer work going on. Bitching about our respective jobs shouldn't be the only thing we talk about! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 06:39 PM Flag
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OP: My DH doesn’t think I wouldn’t be his intellectual equal if I weren’t working- if anything I would be more intellectual. It’s more of a power equality thing (totally separate from our marriage- I wouldn’t have married someone who thought my power in our relationship came from my income)- he likes listening to/reading about our earnings calls when the P&L I manage is called out for leading our growth. We don’t really talk about work that much, but he likes knowing that I’m capable of it, much like someone might like watching their spouse compete in a sport. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:13 PM Flag
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^^ that being said, I’ve strayed from the original point of my post. It was not at all meant to be SAHM vs WOHM. I was just making the point that if being a SAHM or having that flexibility is important to someone, she should find a spouse that has that same ethos (there are plenty of them out there), not just a high-earning one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:17 PM Flag
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Same here! I’ve been home a year because DH knew how much I hated my industry, he asked me to resign. It’s been life changing for all of us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:46 AM Flag
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I can quit my job if I want. I've also told dh that he can quit his job. It would not be ideal if we both quit at the same time but we've always had 2 incomes, make around the same amount, and are very frugal and have been saving roughly 1/2 of what we earn since we got married. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 06:46 PM Flag
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my dh and I consider ourselves a team and we decided to go with a very traditional division of labor model. It plays to our strengths and it works out well. Although we realize it is not the usual for our generation and certainly a privilege, though not without sacrifices. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 01:57 AM Flag
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Same here, I SAH (1 year now) he works. We’ve built up investments and properties during our marriage. Having one parent home is the biggest stress reliever. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 02:52 AM Flag
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Yes, I think it can relieve certain types of stress. But it depends on the person. I would personally be so stressed I'd go crazy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:29 PM Flag
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Agree. A lot of people have built walls in their mind or had them put there by other people. Those are very difficult hurdles to overcome. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:44 PM Flag
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We had a traditional division of labor for many years, and it was amazing. We both admit to feeling more frazzled and stretched since I've been back at work the last couple of years. I don't think it's enhanced our lifestyles or relationship. If anything, it just made our lifestyle more chaotic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 12:50 PM Flag
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My DH and I also consider ourselves a team, but with a less traditional division of labor model. We both work, we outsource housekeeping, and we share childcare (with some outsourcing). That being said, we are very lucky that I have such a flexible work environment. DH is often in the office until 10 or 11 at night, and even when he is home, he spends a lot of time in the study doing work. I would not want to raise kids in an environment where we both had that kind of work commitment. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 03:28 PM Flag
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DH here: I like my (highly technical) finance job (have been doing it for a long time) but when I think how much more time I could be spending with my kids, reading, exercising better and more regularly, pursuing hobbies, traveling - I would welcome an opportunity to retire early. My DW SAH (which was of course a mutual decision and right for our situation) but occasionally misses her job (which I understand), but if one day I can afford not working - I don't think I will miss my job enough to regret it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 03:26 PM Flag
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Thanks for mansplaining. We didn't really get it until you weighed in. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 03:58 PM Flag
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How is this mansplaining? He's sharing his POV. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:08 PM Flag
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Agree. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:35 PM Flag
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DHs are welcome to share their thoughts [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:38 PM Flag
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are there any men in this world that you don't dislike? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.09.20, 06:40 PM Flag
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ILY np [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.10.20, 01:51 AM Flag
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