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06.08.20, 02:40 AM General Topics
41 replies
Any therapists on here who can give me advice? Recently I have really been struggling with realizing I probably didn’t pick the best DH for me and I overlooked guys who were probably better matches and are also significantly more successful now because those guys weren’t ready to marry and have kids and I really felt anxious (I was in my very late 20s). We have 3 amazing kids and he is so kind and treats me so well but intellectually doesn’t challenge me and not as successful or career minded as those other guys I didn’t have the patience for. I’m not interested in getting divorced but how do I deal with this deep sense of regret and just move on. It has been keeping me up at night and isn’t healthy. I bet deleting Facebook would be a start? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.08.20, 02:40 AM Flag
 

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You don't have to be a therapist to tell you to delete Facebook. It is all fake and I would focus on the fact that the super ambitious guys probably wouldn't have been good husbands or fathers. Like the movie says, they also just weren't that into you. I know more than one guy who my friends broke up with over this and they next year they married someone else and had kids. Everyone looks better when you only remember the good things. You have a great DH. No one fits every need. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:44 AM Flag
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Thank you! Great points. No the guys I am mulling over were really into me And dedicated but just younger more immature , in the stage of applying to grad school etc, whereas I was set on wanting a guy whose career established /not floating around still / was ready to settle in the burbs and have babies. I don’t know why I was in such a rush! But yeah everything looks better in hindsight and if I had taken those routes there may have been separate problems. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:52 AM Flag
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There WOULD be separate problems. Focus on the part where you say he is so kind/treats you well/you have 3 amazing kids. THAT is the dream! That is all that matters. Really. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:44 AM Flag
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FB strikes again! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:49 AM Flag
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Op haha. Ughhhh. I need to stop looking up old flames i denied for DH. They are all looking pretty good on Facebook right now. I AM talking about the ones who would have committed to me. But we would have been poor In the beginning and maybe started later with the babies. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:55 AM Flag
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Everybody looks good on FB. It's all bullshit, what they want you to see. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:04 AM Flag
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I had one of those guys who wasn't ready to marry and have kids for nearly a decade so those timetables ended up late in life. And guess what - he still turned out be a bad pick because he NEVER was going to be ready for anything. At least your DH is kind and treats you well, my EX didn't and I spent a lot of money getting out of that marriage and our kids have divorced parents. Grass isn't always greener on the other side. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:03 AM Flag
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Thank you for your perspective. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:14 AM Flag
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Don't borrow trouble. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:10 AM Flag
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+gazillions, OP is looking for trouble and undermining the good person she married while fooling herself by continuing to believe those other guys were really into her, she needs to get back to her reality, which sounds pretty good, ASAP [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:57 PM Flag
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you have 3 amazing kids, and he treats you so well and he is so kind...and you are complaining?? do you not read most of the posts on here? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:25 AM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:38 PM Flag
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you don't see everything. even if those guys really are successful etc, they might be terrible dads and dh's. they didn't chase you or beg to settle down with you, so they didn't value you and probably don't value their current partners enough to be good to them. reading UB, you can see how messed up some seemingly good relationships are. "career minded" guys tend to be the biggest a-holes [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:34 AM Flag
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Well, I went to Harvard business school with thislong distance boyfriend ready to propose (now my DH) so I didn’t give these 2 guys who were good friends and also open about their interest even a chance because I could see that settling down with babies would be too far into the future for them. They were awesome guys , and now married and look fo be awesome dads/fathers. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:38 AM Flag
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Maybe they are/maybe they aren't. Doesn't matter. YOU have an awesome partner. Focus on the things you love about him--kindness being paramount. And don't look back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:45 AM Flag
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or here: you have 3 healthy children? lucky you. these women will be lucky to have kids with those guys. I'm struggling to decide whether to have kid3 or not (I would love 3!) and infertility/health issues as you get older are a real thing. Pregnancies and post-partum are also harder. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 08:08 AM Flag
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If you were really attracted to those guy friend you would have dumped your DH even if it meant not knowing when they would settle down. You are just resentful DH doesn’t earn more. This isn’t about the guys, they are just an escape fantasy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:41 PM Flag
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Also a lot of those types of guys can by highly attracted to ambition and different types of women before they are ready to settle down and then they go for someone easy who they know they won’t have to fight with over who will please their parents, cook dinner and take care of the kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:43 PM Flag
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Those guys’ wives are probably looking at your photos thinking “god I wish I had a DH that was mature and stable and nice” [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:40 AM Flag
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Yes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 10:50 AM Flag
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I recommend starting a gratitude journal of some sort. Each day write 3 things you are thankful for. When you appreciate the things you have then you don't have to spend time thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 04:28 AM Flag
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I do believe in the power of decisions that we've made to shape our lives and to give us strength and a sense of purpose. I really don't want to sound like one of those "respect your vows" posters but that "yes" that you said back then still reverberates today. Marriage is certainly one of the most powerful decisions that we get to make in our lives and it has a strength in itself. It's not past - it exists today. So in a way there are no regrets to be had. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:38 AM Flag
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Delete Facebook, get a therapist. These thoughts are the beginning of an important growth stage for you. There is definitely some huge change you need, but please don't throw away an amazing DH for this. Your DH is a unicorn and your dissatisfaction may grow and spread to him if you don't figure out what it is you really need. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 10:49 AM Flag
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This. You're feeling unsatisfied but aren't saying anything bad about DH. Address the root of the feelings, or come to terms with the fact that a bit of nostalgia for past flirtations and envy are normal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:16 PM Flag
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Not a therapist, but don't do this to yourself or your family. A good DH and father is nothing to sniff at. If you want more money or success, earn it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:07 PM Flag
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Pro tip: the guys who were not “ready” to marry you would have probably ended up dumping you. If you were not a ring-worthy partner for them in ur late 20s, why do you think you would have been a ring-worthy partner for them in ur thirties. These guys were likely never a realistic choice for you anyways. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:30 PM Flag
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This sounds harsh, but I was sort of thinking the same thing. You don't "pick" a husband. You choose each other. Your priorities, judgement and self-esteem seem a bit off, irrespective of your DH. I think you should definitely get off FB and work on your self-image. What do you do to deserve such a wonderful, kind husband? What do you do to appreciate what you have? Turn that around and I think you may be able to take a more honest look at your choices and your marriage going forward. Just my 2 cents. np [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:44 PM Flag
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Love this! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:00 PM Flag
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Spot on. They would have been able to convince you that you were compatible long term to assuage your fears. They didn’t because they knew they couldn’t and wanted to spend the next 2-3 years post-MBA doing whatever it would be to make them as successful as they are now and you would have been miserable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:49 PM Flag
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This, I have a friend who married someone very wealthy but only after threatening to leave forever if he backed off. Later found out he postponed the wedding. I think she feels uncomfortable even 20 years later. It’s a crappy feeling to wonder if someone really would have chosen you or not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:05 PM Flag
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Those guys could be great, and they could love their wives, but they weren't feeling it with you, your dh was so go with that and work on it and appreciate it. We all have different connections with different people. Your priorities matched your dh at the time. You have three amazing kids. it's a good story. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 12:47 PM Flag
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So this. I know several people where the guys just weren't read. But then six months or a year later, they proposed to someone else. So they were ready, with the right person. OP, the reality is, they were not ready *with you.* [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:28 PM Flag
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Someone on here once said something to the effect of ... "Men are like taxi cabs driving around with their light off. Then one day they randomly decide to turn the light on, and whoever gets in next is their wife." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 01:55 PM Flag
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What do those guys do now? Are they married? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:10 PM Flag
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Cautionary tale: My aunt left her perfectly nice DH for a guy she dated in HS and college. The new relationship didn't work out and her DH remarried. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:20 PM Flag
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translation. as the kanye song goes -- "I ain't saying she's a goldigger, BUT...: [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:25 PM Flag
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Didn’t HBS teach OP how to make her own money? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:28 PM Flag
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Op here - I do make money - I don’t love being the breadwinner. I would like more flexibility without the pressure. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:47 PM Flag
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Truly understand and shed FOMO. Delete FB, Instagram, Tiktok, Whatsapp, LinkedIn, whatever else is cool. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 02:51 PM Flag
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I am feeling tremendous envy of the wealthy. If that included a past boyfriend I actually liked I can see why you would be fantasizing that. Fortunately I don’t have any regrets on that front. See it for what it is - fantasy- and also recognize no one is making major relationship moves now in light of current situation so sit back and make the best of it for now. I’m similar and the pressure to “decide” is not worth it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 03:00 PM Flag
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I'm not sure you'd be happier. Grass is always greener. To have amazing kids and a DH who treats you so well is success. Trust me on this. Those other guys didn't care for you enough to prioritize you. Your DH did. I know a lot of guys who are career minded and treat their wives like crap. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.08.20, 05:35 PM Flag
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