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06.06.20, 19:32 PM General Topics
49 replies
Curious to hear opinions: my 13yo daughter is at a mostly healthy weight but inarguably sort of out of shape. (She used to play sports and has fallen out of it, and her pediatrician also told her to exercise more.) She wants me to offer her an incentive to workout - like a reward after a month of consistency. I told her I don't like the messaging of this...we've already gotten into it when she asks me to hold her accountable for a workout, then she doesn't (then gets mad when I remind her). I don't want to signal that I am concerned about her weight, which I feel that a "reward" does. But at the same time, if it helped motivate her, perhaps I am overthinking this and it would be a goal? How would you handle? I told her no, but maybe I've viewing this incorrectly. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.06.20, 07:32 PM Flag
 

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I agree w being anti reward system . 13 yr olds usually don't want a work out for the sake of working out. What is fun that she will actually do and enjoy? Dance game? Hiking/walking? to me that wasn't fun at 13 though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:35 PM Flag
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We've been trying different things, nothing has really stuck but I guess we'll keep trying! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:41 PM Flag
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or just let it be. I think these things need to come from within. no one wants to be told to do it. She needs to want to do it. when schools go back to normal, she will get more activity [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:44 PM Flag
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Op: totally agree, this has to come from her. I keep telling her that. :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:59 PM Flag
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It sounds like it is coming from her. She wants to do it and is asking her mother for support. It makes no sense to turn her down and is kind of a mean thing to do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:43 PM Flag
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That's true, which is why I am torn. I'd love to encourage good habits, but am not sure that, like, Airpods or whatever is the right way to get her there. That said, if it taught her to love a type of exercise, then maybe I am being too short-sighted. I just cringe at the notion of her thinking or saying: "my mom is paying me to get into shape," which is not how I view body image or fitness at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:59 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 12:52 AM Flag
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"Your reward is my recognizing that your fitness is your responsibility. You aren't a dog, I won't give you treats." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:38 PM Flag
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Yes, that's what I've been saying. Not really resonating. :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:40 PM Flag
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Then she can deal with the potential consequences. It sucks, but you can't control everything. If she chooses to be out of shape, that's her choice, she can reverse that if she wants to. Part of parenting is letting go :) you can tell them what the good choices are, but you can't force it on them. It seems she understands what the good choice is because she's trying to get "treats" out of it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:44 PM Flag
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Oh yes, for sure. I have told her that this is up to her, that I can't manage it for her. I just wasn't sure about the reward part - I do think it would make her do it, but I really don't like the message behind it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:58 PM Flag
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NP: I agree with this. I don't see it as any different from a kid saying, "I'm not going to be motivated to get As at school unless you buy me stuff." It's obnoxious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 10:41 PM Flag
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WTF? Some of you are so harsh on your kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:44 PM Flag
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I know! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 10:38 PM Flag
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Off topic but I used to be nanny to a boy who was given presents all day long for desired behaviors. One day he woke from a nap and asked me where his present was. I said there was no present. He cried, "but I took my nap." I told him my present to him was that I did not offer a present. He got it, briefly, but his parents had already ruined him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 01:21 AM Flag
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OP: oof, good for you! That poor child when he grows up and realizes that the world is not built on constant rewards. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 09:12 PM Flag
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If you are concerned about her weight, I would work on food options more than exercise. Isn't she still growing though? Maybe about to have a growth spurt? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:42 PM Flag
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OP: she has definitely been making better eating choices since quarantine, since she can't buy crap food at school. She is still growing too. But really, this is more about her fitness. I'll just let it be for now. Thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:00 PM Flag
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Sticker chart? DC used to be super active and likewise is totally out of shape now. I am not concerned about weight, but being strong, fit and getting the mental benefits of a workout. She also cannot get organized and wants me to hold her accountable, which I don't like. So I offered a sticker chart and she thought it was hilarious but motivating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:49 PM Flag
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OP: LOL! I'm going to suggest this (can't wait for the eye roll) and agree on the fit and strong part. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:02 PM Flag
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get her on habitica [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:03 PM Flag
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I would do it since she is asking. Come up with fun rewards with her. She is only 13. Many adults who exercise actually put goals in place with potential rewards for themselves: want to be in shape for a vacation or hiking trip, or 2 days at a location after a big race. Whatever. I personally think you are overthinking this. It is awesome that she cares about her fitness and wants to work toward a goal at this age, esp. if the ped recommends it. Many teens would recoil at the idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:41 PM Flag
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OP: thanks for this. It's good perspective, and maybe if the end result is that she gets into the habit, it's worth it. I'm just conscious of it, since I grew up with a mom who focused on my weight, despite the fact that I am very skinny naturally and in shape. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:54 PM Flag
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I 100% agree with this. She wants something to make her look forward to it and to keep her motivated, and like you said, getting her into the habit is what's most important. If she gets into it, you can phase out the rewards later. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 11:12 PM Flag
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Op: thank you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 11:18 PM Flag
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I agree. Come up with some rewards together if she is asking. I think you are overthinking it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 10:39 PM Flag
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another agree [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 11:20 PM Flag
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OP: thank you both. As I said, I'm pretty vigilant about weight-shaming in our house after growing up with it (my skinny mom was never really happy with her weight, and though I am quite thin, I had to work to break that mental cycle, so I do not want to pass it on), and I didn't want to be, like, the mom who offered a reward for losing weight, which I find gross. But I suppose this isn't that, and I can reframe that for myself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 12:18 AM Flag
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Yes, I get it. If she is asking for a reward, ask her what she wants that reward to be. My dh runs and he sets goals such as 100 miles per month. Have her set a monthly goal and maybe do something fun if she makes it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 12:10 PM Flag
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Definitely don’t tie the reward to her weight, but what if you do a challenge together (like a 30-day yoga challenge, couch 2 5k, something found on strava, etc) and say “let’s do this together and if/when we finish we can treat ourselves to a shopping/spa day.” [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:43 PM Flag
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OP: this is a great idea, thank you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:55 PM Flag
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ITA on tying the reward to doing the exercises. Many adults need motivation, don't we all look for group classes, running buddies, apps and what not? Just don't turn it into a battle. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 09:42 PM Flag
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OP: thanks, yes, this is what I want to avoid. Right now, she tells me to hold her accountable for a workout, then when I remind her, she gets mad at me. (Sort of typical teenage behavior, but it's frustrating to me bc I have tried to raise her with no body shaming, having grown up in a house where skinny was valued. So just trying to avoid any of those pitfalls.) We don't even own a scale, so I definitely de-emphasize the weight aspect, and maybe I can just highlight the fitness aspect of it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 11:20 PM Flag
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I’m not a fan of rewards for fitness. I work in fitness and this is not the way you want to build a habit. She needs to find something she enjoys... maybe make a game out of trying new things? Like a challenge to do a new form of exercise few days? There will be something that clicks. But also 13 is young. I basically work out for a living and didn’t start until my 20s when I found something I loved. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:50 PM Flag
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OP: thanks. Yes, some of her incentive is to change how she looks, but I'm not a fan of that perspective. That said, of course I want to encourage her to develop healthy habits. I've been encouraging her to try new exercise options - she did YouTube for a while, tried some Peloton bootcamps, tried the bike, tries jogging, etc. Nothing really sticks but I'm going to keep trying! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 08:56 PM Flag
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a dance class maybe? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 12:55 AM Flag
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Team reward here. She’s telling you that she wants to be held accountable and is essentially asking you to help her build the ability to be accountable to herself. Start with rewards, which will allow her to be publicly accountable (to you), and she will eventually develop her own goals and her own motivation and learn intrinsic motivation. It’s not going to come from nowhere and she’s young! I get what your saying about it should be her responsibility, but working out is learned like anything else. When she needed to learn to do her hair, you taught and helped her, and eventually she could it it solo. This is the same. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 09:16 PM Flag
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You’re, not your. Sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 09:17 PM Flag
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np. Good take, between 10 and 11yo I spent every day tryign to convince DD to wash her oily hair. At 12 now, I can't get her out of the bathroom. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 09:50 PM Flag
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oh - I understand! my dd was iffy on hair washing for years, but now at 15, she's finally more committed to grooming although she's always showered. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 11:21 PM Flag
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OP: thank you! This is very helpful and the reason why I'm wavering. I just didn't want to be sending the message of: "oh, my mom rewards me if I burn calories." Or whatever. But I guess if she is asking to be held accountable, then I can find a low-key way to do that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 11:17 PM Flag
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My kid needs to work out for her sport and she's not excited about it. (She loves the sport but not the workouts.) I read books of her choice to her while she works out - one book usually takes a couple weeks. It means I have to invest more time in the workouts than I would in the sport in general, but it's made the workouts feel more fun. My preschooler comes in and listens to the books, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 10:36 PM Flag
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OP: that is a sweet little partnership you guys have going! xo [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 11:20 PM Flag
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She's almost as old as your daughter, so I'm taking these moments while I can! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 01:09 PM Flag
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When I was that age I was not on any sports teams but was hell-bent on getting a President's Physical Fitness patch to sew on my gym uniform (that horrible snap up jumpsuit with bloomers). I think this was because the larger culture I grew up in was sports minded. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 12:54 AM Flag
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OP: I remember the Presidential Physical Fitness test! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 02:54 AM Flag
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Make her wear a corset. Her reward when she reaches her goal is to not have to wear it anymore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 06:26 PM Flag
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don't call it a reward, call it positive reinforcement. it will work better if it is something small but given more frequently, as an immediate thing. but praise and attention count as reinforcements as well. and skip the bugging her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 06:31 PM Flag
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^^ the mom who is reading to her kid during workouts? that's attention as a positive reinforcement. you don't have to reward with food or expensive gadgets. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.07.20, 06:40 PM Flag
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