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06.05.20, 14:23 PM General Topics
38 replies
Tell me if I'm in my head too much...tried (and failed) to connect w/ 2 different longtime dear friends who are fairly local and neither followed up w/ me. I did try a 2nd time and just never heard. I know they both have their own stuff going on, but we have always been the kind of friends who can be totally vulnerable w/ each other. Feel stupid that I'm hurt (and kind of selfish) but I just am. Logically I couldn't have done anything to make them mad bc last contacts were positive, but that's where I go. I think being home too much really making me a little nuts....and lonely somehow [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.05.20, 02:23 PM Flag
 

Dear UrbanBaby community,

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How frequently do you speak to them under normal circumstances? I don't know about you, but each day is insane for me. Work plus home schooling plus worrying about everything that's going on in the world is really exhausting. I pretty much never want to do catch up calls...especially if it's a friend I haven't talked to in a while where I know it's going to be an hour call at minimum. Are you calling them or are you texting? Give us a few more details. But my first inclination is to just let them get back to you when they have time. I don't think them being most likely overwhelmed right now says anything about you or your friendship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:28 PM Flag
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OP: Not that often under normal circumstances but neither of them have young children who they're home schooling. One isn't working at all. But I do see your point about having nothing left at the end of the day. I've been there and I get it. It's just that one had been the initiator w/ me and had previously indicated that weekly calls would be good for her. The other one had indicated that she is often alone and has too much free time so that's where I'm confused. But who knows, maybe they're both struggling and just don't want to talk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:44 PM Flag
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When you say 'weekly calls would be good for her' - are you saying she asked you to do weekly arranged calls? Or did you ask her what would work and she answered 'weekly.' I'm just asking because with a few of my friend groups we set up weekly or every 2 week zoom calls and they got to be way too much very quickly. Everyone has all sorts of things going on with managing these days and it was stressful knowing every Thursday night we had to hop on and kind of rehash last week's call. If I were you, I would just leave it and let your friends reach out when they have time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:59 PM Flag
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The weekly calls were her idea (though I was happy to oblige). She's got some crappy stuff going on in her life and I was happy to listen and offer support. But you're right to advise letting them reach out when they're ready. I just needed some confirmation I guess bc being home all of the time leaves me feeling a little sad and lonely. I'm someone who needs to be out doing things to feel ok. More of an extrovert I guess [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:02 PM Flag
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I am too. I posted here about being sad that a friend ghosted. It seems doubly hurtful at a time like this. And I am certain she ghosted. I think one day I will realize it was for the best but I feel like right now, I need all the connections I can get - especially one that was a close connection pre-Pandemic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:14 PM Flag
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I'm so sorry that happened. I just never understand that. Is there any chance she just forgot to text back? Either way, no one deserves to be ghosted and anyone who does that is really hiding from their own vulnerability but geez - isn't that what good friends are for?? I just could never ever do that to someone. I hate that it's become a thing now. UGH, so sorry. Wishing you some better connections soon! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:51 PM Flag
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No, she did something hurtful and whether or not she meant to she couldn't cop to it and apologize. So that was that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 04:18 PM Flag
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. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:33 PM Flag
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i've been ghosted and blown out so many times recently. i don't know the answer [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:29 PM Flag
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I haven’t gotten back to a few people. It’s not them; it’s me. I have a full plate at home and have nothing left to give at the end of the day. If I text someone back, they will text me back, and on and on and on. I can’t keep up right now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:36 PM Flag
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OP: sorry to hear that. I would so much rather someone just tell me they're busy or in a bad place then ghost. I go down this rabbit hole about feeling unimportant sometimes and it hurts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:46 PM Flag
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But they want to reach out to you, and plan on it. They don’t mean to ghost. This is a terrible time and it’s not about you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:06 PM Flag
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Agreed, I know I'm being self absorbed but kid of just needed to hear it. I know you're right - thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:48 PM Flag
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OP, are you local to nyc? One other thing I've noticed is that if you live in NYC, basically everyone you know from high school on has been reaching out since Covid started. It's very sweet, but it's a ton of people you haven't spoken to in forever. Maybe your friends have a ton of people reaching out and they're buried. If you want to make plans with them, be direct. Text and say 'hey, we're going to be in the park at 5pm tomorrow. If you want to join for a socially distanced, walk, let me know!' [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:43 PM Flag
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No I'm in the burbs. And I was pretty direct w/ the one who I wanted to get together with. Wishy washy plans drive me nuts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:48 PM Flag
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Np-op- I am you. I have had people text me saying that they have not heard from me in a while, am I ok? People get used to me initiating the convo Always and never initiate. When they are the ones who initiate they find it weird and then blame me for keeping contact. It is weird. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:48 PM Flag
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And a double standard. If these people don’t come around, then they are ghosting you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:49 PM Flag
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UGH - people blame you for keeping in touch? that stinks. I'm glad people at least reach out to you. I wouldn't trade my family for anything, but sometimes I miss the easy days of my 20s when plans were always easy and a given every weekend (of course then I did live in NYC). It's like pulling teeth to get people to do things. Kind of a crappy aspect of adulthood (for me) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 02:52 PM Flag
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Meant to say they blame me for NOT keeping in contact. “Oh you must be so busy”. “I haven’t heard from you, is everything OK “. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:16 PM Flag
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Oh I see - that makes sense. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:43 PM Flag
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If I did not reach out, most of the friendships would fade. I understand what you are going through. The trash takes itself out in cases like this. You willlikely be better off without them [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 10:19 PM Flag
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did you try calling instead of texting / email? Emails and texts can go unread. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:12 PM Flag
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Yes, the texts were returned and left off w/ plans "I'll call you tomorrow" or "I may not be able to meet Monday bc I have to do X" - and then I see she's posting pics of her hike on FB etc., (this is what I mean about me being nuts. I'm feeling like an 8th grade girl which I know is just dumb) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:45 PM Flag
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Hm. That would hurt my feelings too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 04:01 PM Flag
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or maybe she had the other plans in place tentatively and truly just went with Plan A without meaning to be hurtful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 04:19 PM Flag
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Sorry this is happening to you but I think is a symptom of what's happening right now. People are feeling fragile, they are worried for their safety and their jobs. They feel like since you've been vunerable w each other on the past, a talk is going to unleash all those issues and they just aren't ready to do that. Either that or they are just generally overwhelmed and dropping the ball. One of my close friends hasn't spoken to me 1:1 since this started. (We've been in group chats and few group texts.) Everytime we have a plan to catch up she gets busy, is too exhausted, or claims to have forgotten. I think she just can't handle an intense convo and is avoiding me. Trying to have compassion but also frustrated. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:22 PM Flag
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I understand that. I have also thought that these 2 people may see me as having things a bit easier in my life right now and that may be preventing them reaching out. Usually when we talk it's about their issues and I only touch on mine I think mostly bc I've been mostly OK. I'm just less OK now but they have no way of knowing that. Honestly this is very helpful for me. Just needed some reassurance so thank you:). AND - I hope your friend does reach out to you soon:) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:47 PM Flag
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I'm glad it helped. You sound like a good friend and I'm sure these friendships will be back to normal when life is back to normal.❤️ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:57 PM Flag
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Thank you! You too!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 04:08 PM Flag
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Well OP that is VERY telling. It sounds like these women were giving you evidence before this happened, that you are their sounding board but it's not mutual. That's disappointing but good to know. Maybe these aren't the friends for you to lean on when things get rough. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 04:20 PM Flag
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I guess you're probably right. I am lucky to have a supportive family, but I don't feel like I have any friends who I can just call when things get tough. I feel like no one really does that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 04:38 PM Flag
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yes and in a time like this it is thrown into high relief - hard to miss. I am sorry and I am in the same boat at least with local friends. Old friends from college and high school have been more supportive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 06:19 PM Flag
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glad to hear you have old friends who are there for you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 08:32 PM Flag
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. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 07:34 PM Flag
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I would try to not take it personally. It's been interesting watching how my friendships have changed during this time. A couple people pretty much dropped off the face of the earth except for a couple texts so trying to give them space. I have other friends who want to do video calls a couple times a month or text all week long and I'm exhausted after a long day at work, I don't have the mental energy to keep up with that many video calls and texts right now. I am emotionally exhausted and am glad for their concern but at the same time, they seem needier than usual and want to vent and I just am spent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:51 PM Flag
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I think you're right and I totally understand how you feel. And I tend to keep things light hearted w/ my friends but do leave room for them to talk about whatever is going on if they want to. I'm generally a very positive person and I miss them because we ALWAYS have a nice combination of talking about real stuff + lots of laughs. I am giving them their space though bc clearly that's what they need. Anyway, thanks for your input - I appreciate it! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.05.20, 03:55 PM Flag
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Hang in there, you sound like a good friend! Hopefully things improve soon! :) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 03:51 AM Flag
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Also I recommend un following these women or quitting social media for now- people are selling just what they want you to see, it’s not reality and can incite jealousy . Plus It’s all gotten so political and angry. I agree with a lot of the posts but it’s not bringing me joy at a time when I am already unhappy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.06.20, 01:49 PM Flag
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