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06.03.20, 11:32 AM General Topics
36 replies
We finally pulled the trigger and are heading to flyover for the summer. DH hasn’t met one of my cousins that lives there. She’s had some mental health struggles and is somewhat of a black sheep of the family and I’m trying to figure out how to handle her. I feel bad because her sister and dad conspired FP get custody of her teenage son last year. He seems to be thriving but they did it in a very unkind way (basically exploited her mental health struggles hired a pitbull lawyer and bribed the kid to say he wanted to live with them, the judge ultimately let the kid decide). Overall the kid is thriving with her sister but him dreading the drama a bit because I know she’s heartbroken. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.03.20, 11:32 AM Flag
 

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It’s a small town so I can’t really avoid her and we’ve always had a good relationship but we didn’t see her last time we were there. We did see her mom and she basically was extremely upset (her mom had custody and was working towards reunification). I honestly know I don’t have the full story from any side and I’ve been trying to stay out of it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 11:36 AM Flag
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Seems like a bad idea, you may end up getting pulled into the drama. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 11:42 AM Flag
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You've never met her. Give yourself a chance to form your own opinion. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 11:53 AM Flag
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OP has met her. Her DH hasn't. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:12 PM Flag
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Oh my bad, I haven't had my coffee yet this morning. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:26 PM Flag
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I have, she’s the closet one in age to me where we are going, although I’m closer with my two aunts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:14 PM Flag
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*closest, jeez can’t type on this phone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:14 PM Flag
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WHY THE F*CK do people on UB insist on using the insulting word "flyover"? It's a classist word meaning that the people and places between the East Coast and West Coast are only good to fly over, not to mingle with. Can't you just say Mid-America or something? Quit insulting those of us who don't live on the coasts! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 11:54 AM Flag
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+1. This is a pet peeve of mine, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 11:56 AM Flag
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^ PP: as soon as I saw that word, I stopped reading the post. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 11:57 AM Flag
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OP: I didn’t mean it as an insult. I just didn’t want to get into particulars and found it the best way to describe somewhere that isn’t on the coasts. Most of my family there actually wants to be flyover (the always talk about the people relocating from the coasts as ruining the place). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:08 PM Flag
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np: It's an insulting term regardless. Just don't use it next time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:13 PM Flag
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OP: ok sure, town in sparsely populated state. It’s actually really nice. I can’t wait to get there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:20 PM Flag
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I'm not saying you meant it in a bad way. Just noting that it's not a nice term. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:45 PM Flag
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It’s like a lot of people don’t think about the words they use in regard to race. When people say “flyover” it’s almost always short hand for “lazy, fat, and uneducated” without understanding if that were true, nothing would get done in this country. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:46 PM Flag
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It’s The Barbra Streisand Effect- saying don’t look makes people look more. By withholding information and using the vague derogatory term “flyover” it makes people more curious because they have to guess or assume context. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:15 PM Flag
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+1 I live in a coast city, Gulf Coast, and it’s probably going to surpass Chicago in population pretty soon. Still won’t get the love or respect it deserves from peeps on this board. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:05 PM Flag
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Houston? Houston is huge, and a pretty cool city, but everyone just thinks of it in terms of sweltering heat, and perhaps oil money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:33 PM Flag
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Yes. And it is hot and humid AF but there’s a lot to be said about Houston and it’s future. There’s an energy to it (pun intended, it IS the energy capital of the world) and it’s got the people and can-do spirit. Right now we’re very nervous about the O&G situation but we’ll get through one way or another. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:42 PM Flag
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I wanna try VietCajun. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 12:05 AM Flag
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I live in NY, when I hear fly over it sounds so pretentious, as if these were jetsetters on UB, going from one sparkling location to the next..lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:00 PM Flag
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I mean...we have all the best rat infested bodegas here. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:13 PM Flag
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I'm confused. What is there to "handle" and what does your DHS have to do with it? If you see her, nod sympathetically and move on to other topics. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:00 PM Flag
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OP: I already know it’s not going to be that easy as she’s already brought up me reunifying the family. I can’t change others opinions of her, only she can do that. She’s a lot like my mom, who is a boardline, she wants to be love and have attention paid to her but she lashes out and can’t understand that most people just want things to be chill. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:11 PM Flag
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* borederline [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:13 PM Flag
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Empathize with her, but tell her you’re not going to be there to see it through and she needs to work with the local family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:47 PM Flag
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np -- you can't change her -- borderlines are so hard to deal with. Just be loving and supportive to her while not getting overly involved. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:58 PM Flag
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OP: I know. I think I’m just having anxiety because I’m used to dealing with them and DH is not and I just don’t want her to do something that makes him not like her because it will just make summer difficult. My aunt is already super upset that other family members exclude her. They basically came to town over the holidays and forced my aunt to cancel her party she had planned at her house with her daughter and friends so they could take her out to brunch and then didn’t understand why she wasn’t appreciative. *eye roll* honestly though I just need to keep reminding myself if family drama is the worst of my worries this summer I’ll be incredibly lucky. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 01:58 PM Flag
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Oh and I didn’t mention this was her birthday party. Like who throws a Birthday party for someone and excludes their daughter that they want there? Thank god we rented our own cabin. Maybe we can make some non-relative friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:01 PM Flag
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I do not understand why you are excited and happy to go to this shindig [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:50 PM Flag
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OP: Because aside from family it’s beautiful and peaceful. My other aunt and her bf and his friends are fun and my younger cousins are chill and will take us fishing on their boat. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 03:50 PM Flag
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This sounds so painful. The poor woman. Does she still get to see her son? You need to be upfront with dh and your ambivalence about this situation. With your cousin be a good listener let her know that you understand her and validate her pain, that is all you can do really. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:05 PM Flag
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She talks to him regularly but was on probation (DUI) so she couldn’t visit him. He’s far away (state on opposite side of the country). N (her sis that has custody) has a very family-oriented set up, with two kids slightly younger than my cousin’s son (well call him J). J is a good kid but wasn’t doing well in school and my cousin had rotating bfs and didn’t have the stability of a job (was a student and working part time and also getting benefits). Ultimately, I think J is better-off with N because he needed structure that my aunt and cousin couldn’t provide. Of course, I can’t say any of this to my cousin or aunt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 12:33 PM Flag
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Most families have someone in it that has mental health issues or substance abuse issues or both. Why would your dh be so fragile that he can not see a woman with mental health issues? I would be civil and nice to all during my visit but stay uninvolved because you do not really know the situation. If this kid chose not to live with his mom, there is a reason for that that has nothing to do with bribes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.03.20, 02:10 PM Flag
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I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your DH is not the problem. It is you. You do clearly have an opinion and are very sympathetic to your aunt but borderlines are easier to deal with when you are farther away and it sounds like in the end, the child is better off. You need to stay the hell out of this shit show. Tell your aunt and cousin that you are happy to listen if they need to vent but then move the subject on and say you aren't going to take side. You are fresh meat to this woman and she will using you to further her needs. Susie says she can't believe youdidnt invite me. Susie says you are wrong. TELL HER YOU ARE NOT THERE TO REUNIFY THE FAMILY. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 04:54 AM Flag
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OP: Thanks for this. We texted a bit and as soon as I said there was probably nothing I can do to help her she launched into “it’s all my fault I’m so terrible” and that triggered me because my mom is very similar. I need to just stick to my guns that our relationship is independent of the rest of the family and we are very stressed out from everything that we’ve been dealing with for the past few months and need to keep conversation light and enjoyable. My DH isn’t fragile at all, he’s just a litigator and can smell bs and manipulation a mile away. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.04.20, 11:49 AM Flag
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