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06.02.20, 15:58 PM General Topics
25 replies
Need help with setting boundaries. DH and I are getting divorced and are isolating together with kids as we finalize the paperwork. I asked for the divorce because he treats me terribly and constantly calls me names. Last night he wanted to talk about how he was feeling sad and anxious, and I said I was sorry, but I didn't have the bandwidth to provide emotional support to him right now. He responded, "you're going to be sorry when I either murder someone or jump out the window!" He is always saying stuff like this. He does see a psychiatrist once per week. Today I feel extremely guilty for not talking to him. What should I do? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.02.20, 03:58 PM Flag
 

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For a start, stop feeling guilty. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:59 PM Flag
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x a million. He is manipulative. Just get out of there as fast as you can, then use email or an app as a form of communication. People like him always try to rope you in one more time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:02 PM Flag
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op: thank you for the perspective. It's hard not to get sucked into his drama. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:12 PM Flag
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Once you move to online communication, it will be hard to mess with you like that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:14 PM Flag
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op: yes. My lawyer put in the agreement that all communication would be done through a special family app, and he completely freaked out about it and said, "I thought we were trying to be friends?!" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:16 PM Flag
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Say sure, we are trying to be friends, but communication is still through the app. Then stick to the app and ignore all else. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:18 PM Flag
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Say yes, and the app will help us do that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:36 PM Flag
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Call the psychiatrist and let him know he’s making these threats. They’re like a manipulation, but you never know. He could act on them. Not your job to provide emotional support. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 08:14 PM Flag
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Someone will likely yell “HIPPA!” But that only means the doc can’t talk to you. You can tell the doc anything you need to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 08:15 PM Flag
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op: I have thought about this, thank you. I would like to call his psychiatrist and leave a message, but would the dr be obligated to tell him I called? If so, I wouldn't feel safe because he would be very angry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 09:21 PM Flag
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100% say that he is making definite statements indicating that he is a danger to himself and others. That is the gold standard for him getting a visit at least if not a ride to the ER for an evaluations. While his is there, change the locks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 11:29 PM Flag
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Wow. OP, please run. Remind him that comments like those are exactly why you're divorcing him, because him doing either of those things would ruin his childrens' lives. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:03 PM Flag
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op: yes, I know that logically. It's just messing with my head and then makes me feel like a terrible person. Per our agreement, he is supposed to move out and I am supposed to stay in our current home with the kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:12 PM Flag
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np: unrelated but: how was that decided? My concern in a divorce would be that the kids and I would have to move, as has been the case with many of the divorces I've witnessed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:48 PM Flag
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op: he had his eye on a different place anyway, but I also argued that as the primary caregiver I should be able to stay with the kids to provide consistency. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:52 PM Flag
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or: interesting. And true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 05:06 PM Flag
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Ignore that stupid crap. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:13 PM Flag
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You are not responsible for his actions. Nothing that happens will be because of something you DID or some thing you DIDN’T DO. he is manipulating you. He is aunt being it up because you were not responding the way he has programmed you to respond. Do not engage. When he makes accusations, do not respond. Imagine that there is a Teflon coating surrounding your spirit, and don’t let the words that he says penetrate your emotions. Sending you warm wishes. Good for you for getting out of this terrible toxic situation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:48 PM Flag
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op: thank you!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:52 PM Flag
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Pp- you’re welcome. He is “amping” it up. Was using voice text... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 05:06 PM Flag
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Very accurate...especially "responding the way he has programmed you to" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 05:13 PM Flag
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Oh hell no. That's right out of the abuser textbook. Do NOT feel guilty, he is manipulating you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:59 PM Flag
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op: thanks- been dealing with this for so long, it really helps to get a reality check. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 05:00 PM Flag
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Can you start to make a plan to have separate residences now that restrictions are lifting? It may be best to do it now because there is a likelihood that things could shut down again in the fall. I am divorced and my ex DH moved out as soon as we decided to separate. I can not imagine having boundaries without the ability to physically distance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 05:33 PM Flag
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op: yes, I am waiting for him to move out per our agreement. I am hoping it will be this summer (ideally next month). That's exactly it- he has so much access to me and can harass me at any time since we live together. Once we are in separate residences, I will be able to ignore some of his texts, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 05:44 PM Flag
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