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06.02.20, 15:46 PM General Topics
25 replies
Smart moms, I ask here for your advice. I stupidly dated and then got dumped by/dumped a guy at work (not traditional work but a group of tech entrepreneurs with a physical space in Brooklyn). The group has moved online. The office will open likely this summer/fall. I have avoided the online chat even though I desperately miss the companionship. He made it clear in the breakup he was going to make my life miserable there. He is super insecure, thinks he owns this group, is quiet, socially awkward, manipulative, and I believe very angry at me for having the gall to dump him. He seems to be making it clear that I am on the outs w/the tech crew. Question: Should I go back? I don't want to be intimidated but if so I don't know how to behave. I am super social and chatty and he is quiet and controlling and when I'm nervous I go into extra chatty/social overdrive. I do not want to reappear in either online or physical form until I can get a handle on the tone of my behavior and get some control over my nervousness. Please advise. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 06.02.20, 03:46 PM Flag
 

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That's tough. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:47 PM Flag
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I wouldn’t take his word for the tech crew’s feelings right now. Can you dip your toe in the online chat? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:51 PM Flag
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I can stalk there (I am signed up) but I haven't because I am trying to get a handle on my emotions. By next week I'll be ready. I am nervous about posting anything but I think I should soon. He is just all over the chat channels. The other option is to avoid it until the physical space reopens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:52 PM Flag
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I think you have more control over typing than in person conversations as far as being nervous. It could help ease the awkwardness to not let too much time go by before you jump back in. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:56 PM Flag
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I think you are making it worse by focusing on your feelings. I get it that you don't want to embarrass yourself, but allow yourself to feel whatever you feel for now, it's absolutely normal. Give yourself some time. Start joining online. Do you have a level-headed friend to help you refrain from posting something you may regret later? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:56 PM Flag
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Yes I have friends who have the patience to help me with this -- but no close friends there. I am just embarrassed because all of hist posts are getting tons of adulation I'm sure and if I post I don't know if anyone will acknowledge them. And this will give him more of a sense of power. In person I have the upper hand as I'm social and dynamic. But he seem to dominate the online space. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:02 PM Flag
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Just don't look at it as a battle for likes, you continue your life and ignore him as much as possible. If he starts purposefully attacking, then you reconsider. I know it is tough, but at least try. Leaving is always an option, no shame in that. But try to resume normal group relations first. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:05 PM Flag
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OK will do. Thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:10 PM Flag
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We are here for you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:11 PM Flag
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Thank you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:21 PM Flag
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I would absolutely stake my ground. I would not let someone who is my equal dominate or intimidate me. You have just as much of a right to be part of this group as he does, and it's likely people sense/know his personality. I would rise above this nonsense, rejoin the group, ignore him or limit my interaction to cold professionalism, and act as if nothing happened. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:51 PM Flag
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OK. I had no idea he was such a misogynist until the breakup and he was incredibly hurtful in a super misogynistic way. I feel like I have to stake my ground. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:53 PM Flag
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OR: you absolutely f*cking do. All of this behavior renders him a pathetic sociopath who should not be taking another moment of your time or energy. Move on an treat him as if he does not exist, kill him with cool politeness- particularly in front of any group. It makes me downright angry that he's intimidating your like some third grader, and that you might let him get away with it. He needs to grow up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:56 PM Flag
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^^^separately--- an online chat format is a perfect way to start, as you can have complete control of your tone and demeanor, and carefully review and edit all interactions. I predict your cool, aloof tone with him will infuriate him. I predict he will then either be rude to you in person (which will out him publicly) or one on one, which you can ignore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:58 PM Flag
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Yes and I need to grow up too because I feel like I am quietly slipping away to avoid the intimidation. My reluctance is that since I am an exuberant person especially when nervous I will be over the top. I need to get a handle on my emotions before I make my appearance and fight off the intimidation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:59 PM Flag
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np. What's the worse to happen if you are OTT chatty? Really, chalk it up to being in quarantine for so long. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:03 PM Flag
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Yeah this is my normal personality anyway [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:10 PM Flag
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^ and yes I feel like he's sociopathic [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:04 PM Flag
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Do you believe him? If he's insecure and controlling, he could easily be saying you're on the outs just to intimidate you. He sounds like a total child!! What kind of adult can't just move on, has to scorch the earth too? (Unless you did something awful to him you're not mentioning) If he's like this all the time, you can't be the only person who notices. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:52 PM Flag
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He comes off as this quiet, sensitive, semi awkward guy. He's a total child! He has a ton of online friends on the socials but weirdly few or no close friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:07 PM Flag
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Is the group predominantly male? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:52 PM Flag
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Yes. Gay and straight. And young. He and I are only ones in our mid 40s. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 03:58 PM Flag
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Yes. There are a few women but most of the men ignore them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 04:09 PM Flag
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Kill him with composure. Joining the online group is great because you don't have to "react" to posts/comments in real-time. I would join in the conversation, ignore him (unless something is directed at you) but talk to the other people. He's totally bluffing about you being on the outs with the rest of the group. I can be such a loony mess during break-ups but there was one where I was just cool as a cucumber that I'm proud of to this day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 07:00 PM Flag
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op: Kill him with composure. This is brilliant, thanks. I'm going to say this in my head over and over. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.20, 07:08 PM Flag
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