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05.31.08, 19:32 PM General Topics
44 replies
affair mom here: Husband asked if I would join him and the kids at the park yesterday. He came home early from work. We didn't have much to do with one another, but I was so happy that he did reach out to include me. Today he sends an e-mail saying we might be better off without being together, but he says he needs time. I'm confused as well as he is. What would you make of it? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.31.08, 07:32 PM Flag
 

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hey! Good to hear from you. I'm glad your meeting went well last week. Sounds like he is still angry and confused. Just go with it. If he is reaching out at all, I think it's a good sign. I htink there is hope here. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:33 PM Flag
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Really? He left tonight and I think his lease starts on his new apt tomorrow. I think it's probably good that he gets out of the house. It's not doing anyone good to have him here especially since we don't talk a word to each other. It's just that I don't know what to make of these e-mails. They are very nasty and he keeps saying the same thing. I don't know how to respond anymore. Should I even respond to the last one that I got today? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:35 PM Flag
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np: how long has it been since you told him? remember that you've been processing this for awhile, probably a lot longer than he has. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:36 PM Flag
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He found out 1 month ago. You're right, I've been over this for over a year. I had forgiven myself. Now, I'm a complete mess again. Beating myself up over and over and over! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:38 PM Flag
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Give him time. Try to reverse the situation and think about how you would feel. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:52 PM Flag
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I do and I would be a mess. But, we have kids. I would need time, but I don't think I could break up my family. That's what I think would keep me in the end. I would probably also give one more chance and then if there was anything else, that would be it. But, you never know until you go through it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:54 PM Flag
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I would just try to give him the space he asks for, while regularly reminding him that you are terribly sorry and desperately want to work things out. He'll likely come around. Good luck! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:56 PM Flag
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honestly, I have gotten in trouble with emails. You can't hear tone of voice. Sarcasm is hard to detect. I think I would tell him that if he wants to email you, he can, but that you won't respond since you don't want to be misunderstood. Things like this take time and he will be back and forth for a while more than likely. I think the fact that he is making some moves towards you is a good sign. Just ride out the mixed signals for now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:38 PM Flag
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thanks. I just feel like I keep waiting for the "I'm going to divorce you e-mail" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:39 PM Flag
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and that one may come. And he may or may not mean it. I think email is dangerous. I would stick to face to face or at least phone communication as much as possible. I think it would be fine to explain the reasons for it too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:41 PM Flag
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It's just that he can be a real bully when he's mad. He almost scares me. But I think you're right. I need to give him the space and wait it out for him to talk when he's sorted out his feelings and then do face to face or better yet, on the phone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:42 PM Flag
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I know you mentioned his anger issues before when you talked about why you had the affair in the first place. Has he gotten any help for that? If he scares you, maybe it's not the best to stay together. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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I love him so much. OUr communication issues were getting better. That's what I'm hoping= if things do work, that we can really grasp his anger issues. He seemed to ignore that part of my e-mail when I told him that was one of the reasons I felt unloved and unwanted a year and a half ago. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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i see. I think that part can be left alone for now. Hopefully, he will agree to therapy soon and the 2 of you can get into what happened in the first place. Keep checking in here. I watch for your posts. I do think that there are some good positive signs here but he will probably be conflicted and angry for a long time. GL! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:48 PM Flag
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thanks for the positive words of advice! I'll check in soon. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:49 PM Flag
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i'd tell him to get back to you when he is done needing time [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:34 PM Flag
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dude! She is trying to make this work! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:35 PM Flag
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so, she needs to respect his wishes. they need to respect what the other person needs. if he needs time, give him time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:35 PM Flag
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op: well, that's what I'm trying to do. Today he was home with the kids. I told him I would leave the house. He said I didn't need too, but I know it would have been uncomfortable. I was out so upset the entire time. I miss him so! I know I did this to myself and in my last e-mail, I told him that I take full ownership but there were reasons why I did what I did. I told him how I felt unwanted at the time, but that I should have pushed harder for us and not turned to someone else. Then we went to the park, then I'm told we might be better off separated. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:38 PM Flag
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maybe time apart would be good for you too then. i mean, you could ask him to tell you when he might be ready to start therapy and that you understand that this has to happen on his time line, that you respect that, and you'll do whatever he needs you to do to heal this. say that you don't want to sound cavalier about not seeing him, that it will be so hard, but you are committed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:42 PM Flag
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yes but he is giving mixed signals. She is in the wrong and he has to decide what he wants. She wants it to work out so I think saying something like what you said would sound like she was pushing him away [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:39 PM Flag
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I don't know for sure but maybe just keep apologizing and saying you want to work this out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:37 PM Flag
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I keep saying that. I'll say it until the end of time, but he keeps beating me down. I don't know what else to do. I'm so lost. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:40 PM Flag
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I'm sure you are, and continue to do so. Be unwavering about it, don't get frustrated by the amount of time he needs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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ITA [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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do what Miranda and Steve do in the SATC movie...go see a therapist together and at the end of the set amount of sessions, you don't speak to one another for 2 wks. but pick a meeting place and if you want to be with one another, both being at the meeting place at the appointed time means that you are willing to leave the past behind and start anew. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:41 PM Flag
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np oh yeah. Taking relationship advice from a movie about slutty women is a great idea [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:42 PM Flag
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lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:43 PM Flag
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Steve is the one who cheats on Miranda. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:43 PM Flag
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it's still a movie. And a movie about slutty stupid women. Not a therapy tool [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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Honestly, I don't think they are any sluttier than the average woman. We can't all be virginal and chaste and perfect like you obviously are. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:51 PM Flag
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not even close. That show is like a train wreck though. Gross to think that they are some sort of role model [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:53 PM Flag
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not a role models but more like compilations of the complexities of modern, urban gender roles. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:56 PM Flag
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^^^we all have certain aspects of one or more of the characters and all have friends who are somewhat like them, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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I still think it's gross and I am far from virginal. I think it's not a positive to glamorize that kind of thing. IRL it is seldom fun or glamorous. It's sad and it wears you down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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op; he made comment how it's different when women and men cheat. he wasn't referring to the movie= he didn't see it. but he said that men can see it as just sex, whereas women get more emotional and therefore, it's harder to get over that kind of hurt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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well, i think that's the problem. he keeps coming home to see the kids. as much as i like that he's here, i don't think the healing process can begin. it's not like we talk. we haven't had one civil conversation in over a month. but, we're nowhere. I asked him to see a therapist, but he's nowhere near that point yet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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It'll probably take some time...one thing I have recently realized about women is that we want the instant fix...and sometimes just letting people stew for awhile brings about the best resolution (and one you can't get if you force things). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:49 PM Flag
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good point. i've been trying to be patient, but I'm so scared all of the time. This past month has felt like a year and I just miss him so much. WHat I would do to have a normal conversation with him. Just the little things I miss. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:51 PM Flag
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not a flame but that is kind of the risk you take when you do stuff that is hurtful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:53 PM Flag
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You're right. I know I did this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 07:55 PM Flag
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how many kids and ages? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 08:03 PM Flag
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2 kids. 4 and 5 months [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.01.08, 06:18 AM Flag
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np: And then don't take the appropriate measurements to ensure DH never finds out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.01.08, 06:20 AM Flag
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