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05.31.08, 11:12 AM General Topics
55 replies
i'm literally minutes from potentially signing a lease and leaving my husband. i'm so scared that i'm immobilized, but there's no way to stay in this marriage [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.31.08, 11:12 AM Flag
 

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If there really is no way to stick it out, you have to leave. I imagine that must be so scary, though. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:18 AM Flag
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you have to try to not do this [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:18 AM Flag
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op: here are the issues: ALL of our money is separate. we have an onerous pre-nup. He makes 5x more than me. Now that i have threatened to leave, he will agree to give me more money per month. However, any property we buy will still be separate. We did not have sex for almost 4 years because he was not interested. He is trying in that regard. That was extremely painful for me. Finally, for 3 years he would not "permit" playdates in apt. because too small (whether he was here or not). Now, that i have threatened to leave, he will. Everything is a negotiation. Everything. He wants to compromise. I don't even want to discuss these things which I think should be non-issues. I am having a breakdown. Please help. Thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:21 AM Flag
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is your husband an attorney? This sounds hauntingly like my DH [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:22 AM Flag
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op: in fact, he is [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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Well this is very similar to my situation. I try to tell myself that litigators are trained to fight and want to negotiate everything - even the most basic issues that seem non negotiable. We also have v. little sex - did he tell you why he isn't interested? Also, how old is he - how old are dcs? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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playdate mom - I'm glad he said he'd let you do that. fwiw I havent had sex with my dh for more years than you. IT sucks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:40 AM Flag
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let me do what? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:48 AM Flag
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have playdates - didn't you say he is letting you now - although I never understood why you just didnt' do it when he wasn't there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:53 AM Flag
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he will let them, but he doesn't want them, and if i did them when he didn't want them, he would just be mad at me. dont you see? it FEELS like i'm doing something disrespectful. it's VERY hard to deal with this. if that makes any sense. it probably doesn't to you if you have enough confidence or these things are not issues for you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:55 AM Flag
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omg, he sounds like he's mentally ill (np) - are you sure he will provide for you and your dc if you go? Or are you saying he'll agree to move out? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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op: he will agree to move out temporarily (it's his apt), but not agree to pay for another apt., the maintenance on his (where we live) and split day care. He will not give me another penny. Basically, until this happened, i was living like that but he has given me more money for 3 months. If he leaves temporarily, he wont. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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he is in his late 40s. my children are toddlers. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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Have you seen an attorney? He really needs to fight with someone trained to deal with him - you are going to be outmaneuvered at every step. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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i have an attorney. he's very mad at me this week because i have one [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:57 AM Flag
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wait, so he gives you an allowance and you have to split costs? he sounds more like a roomate than a husband. this is one of the reasons why i don't get why people keep separate accounts. he sounds nuts. have you gone to counseling? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:28 AM Flag
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OP signed this prenup agreement so we have to move past that. I am curious how the prenup stipulates financial coverage for the kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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i wasn't even talking about a prenup. i thought a prenup only stipulates financials in case of a divorce, not how you spend your money while you are married. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:36 AM Flag
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OP is talking about moving out (signing a lease)so they must be discussing divorce. Since I too am married to a controlling attorney I totally get how OP needs to have a seasoned divorce attorney on her side to dealw ith this guy. I am a big-mouthed, samrt woman but I am no match for my DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:39 AM Flag
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op: I am a big mouthed smart woman and no match either. OMG, can you come over and talk to me? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:49 AM Flag
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seriously, talk to a lawyer. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:56 AM Flag
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HA! You should talk to me. I am NOT leaving like I should and instead of being appropriately angry at him I have gained 40 lbs through self-directed anger and sadness. You come talk to me you are the brave one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:57 AM Flag
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i'm not brave. i'm terrified. i saw an apt. today and didn't sign. i just called back the leasing agent though. why don't you leave? what is your situation? how old are you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:59 AM Flag
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41, two great kids, very little earning power. My chopice is to remain married or move back in with my parents. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:03 PM Flag
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prenups don't deal with kids [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:37 AM Flag
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op: he tried to make the prenup deal with kids [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:50 AM Flag
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it'll never stand up in court and he knows it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:54 AM Flag
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op: i know, but i spent most of the negotiating just removing that part, just in case, and the rest limiting the time frame. it ends when i'm 68. i think at this point, even if he ripped up the prenup, i'm just so freaking tired. it's awful, because i don't want to be here, but i wish he could just magically make me believe that i want to be here [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:57 AM Flag
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Yikes - can you return to work and earn enough to support yourself and your children? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:33 AM Flag
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op: i do work. full time. and take care of 99% of the kids things. and he makes 5x more than me, and we basically split costs, except NOW, he says he'll give me more money [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:51 AM Flag
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does he pay mortgage/rent? household expenses? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:31 PM Flag
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you know that the pre-nup has no bearing on child support, right? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:34 AM Flag
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but he can't be forced to provide it either [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:38 AM Flag
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Don't some states garnish wages? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:40 AM Flag
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heck, women never see that stuff - she's counting on him being a good guy and from what she describes she can't count on him supporting his own children [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:42 AM Flag
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Wouldn't a failure to pay court ordered payments affect his ability to be qualified to practice law. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:42 AM Flag
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op: he will pay child support. he just will not pay more if HE leaves temporarily. also, we will be fighting re: what child support is [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:53 AM Flag
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okay so file and let him stay in the apartment while you wait it out. Meanwhile, when he finds out how much it will cost to replace you he might see things differently. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:07 PM Flag
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Child support isn't enforceable in NY state? I am not from there but that seems shocking to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:45 AM Flag
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Read Ann Crittenden's The Price of Motherhood - very scary [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:50 AM Flag
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of course he can be forced to provide child support. if you're in nys, it's a percentage of his earnings. how many kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:47 AM Flag
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Read this post. Please leave him. You need to be able to live again. He's a controlling creep. The money isn't worth it. You will get child support; you will get/continue your job; you will be happy again. Good luck. Don't look back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:39 AM Flag
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op: the guilt is overwhelming. OVERWHELMING. have you done it? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:52 AM Flag
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Guilt for what? Expecting to be treated well? Your kids will be better off not living in the same house as that man. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 01:19 PM Flag
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I'm sorry, but I've gotta ask - it sounds like his being a major control freak/jerk off was apparent since before you got married. How did you think this would go well? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:57 AM Flag
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NP that is an unfair question. Lots of men (and women) can diguise or minimize their pathology. Im sure you have some unpleasant surprises yourself although hopefully not as bad. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 11:59 AM Flag
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First, I apologized before asking, but I'm really curious. Second, there was no masking of pathology - he tried to include future children in a pre-nup!! What kind of disgusting person does that?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:02 PM Flag
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yup, good point [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:09 PM Flag
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op: i obviously am an idiot. does that mean i need to keep dealing with this? i'm not sure why people ask this. is it to say, well you made your bed by marrying him. now, suck it up for the next 30 years. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:00 PM Flag
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I absolutely don't agree - you obviously need to get out. And scary and awful as that is, the sooner the better. But somewhere inside, you always knew this was how it was gonna go. You should take comfort and strength from that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:10 PM Flag
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i don't take comfort and strength from it. i'm just embarrassed and mortified, and have caused him great anguish. and that upsets me tremendously. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:11 PM Flag
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you really shouldn't let yourself spend too much time thinking about causing him great anguish. he sounds really shitty. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:14 PM Flag
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Stop being concerned with what you've caused him. He's vile. And it's time to forgive yourself for whatever you've believed you need punishment for. Let go of the embarrassment, get your ass into therapy and go sign that lease. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:15 PM Flag
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ITTTTTTTA! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 01:18 PM Flag
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leave him. don't look back. it will be hard, then you'll have a life again where you can be happy. Good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.31.08, 12:12 PM Flag
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