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05.30.08, 20:50 PM General Topics
40 replies
I just started a part-time job that is taking up 40 hrs a week. I have 2 dcs and one is still at home - waiting to start preschool in a few weeks. I keep the house clean (and laundry which I hate!) and errands get done and home finance stuff is all taken care of. I feel like tooting my horn only to listen to dh b!tch about this, that and the other. Why can't he be proud of me? I feel like superwoman and he brings me down so I feel like mud. I'm not saying that others don't do it, but I just feel good about landing this job after being a sahm for 5 years and I think I'm doing a pretty good job everyday juggling everything. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.30.08, 08:50 PM Flag
 

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does he feel threatened that you're back in the work force? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 08:52 PM Flag
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maybe so. but he shouldn't. we need the money and 3 yo is joining 5 yo at preschool for the summer camp 2 days a week and then onto kindergarten for older and 3 days a week at preschool for the little one. what did he expect? we can't afford for me to sahm forever (and i'm only working 2 full days technically, plus a couple of hours here and there - last week was a busy one where i fit in work whenever i could - before kids woke up, naps and after they went to bed) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 08:55 PM Flag
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he may secretly resent you a little because you're doing it all and, as you said, he's going nowhere professionally. You may need to do a little stroking of his ego first before you get your props from him. I'm sure it's the last thing you feel like doing at this moment but it might get you what you want in the long run and make him feel better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:08 PM Flag
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stroking doesn't sound good right now. you see, i failed to mention that we have a crappy marriage and never have sex. part of it's me and part of it's him complaining and criticizing everyday (this goes way back before the job started) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:11 PM Flag
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:27 PM Flag
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the source of crappiness is his job that he hasn't left. he hasn't gotten a raise in 5 years. it's a dead end. i really don't care if he strays. it's so bad, that i'd rather him do that than have sex with him (hard to imagine, i know) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:29 PM Flag
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it's not clear what you want from him: you cannot expect the "atta girl" when you do something good if you would be indifferent to him cheating on you. He feels like his life is not just going nowhere but backwards. No raise in 5 years means that he's earning less money now than in 2003. And he's 5 years older. And his wife won't sleep with him. I'll bet he wishes it was 2003 when he got a raise and his wife would have sex with him? If you guys have any desire to keep the marriage together, go get some counseling. Otherwise, you're going to have to look elsewhere for positive affirmation. He's just too defeated and it's not really surprising. It sucks for you both now. Have some faith that people can get through tough times if they are willing to bury their resentments and re-engage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:38 PM Flag
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he's earning the same and we have 2 dcs now! and with inflation and everything - you're right: he's actually earning less. but it's his own fault, he should have gotten out of there a long time ago like a lot of his colleagues. no one is making him work there, but himself. and if he's so miserable and has to constantly put me down every day for the last 3 years - or more! - than how does he expect me to want to have sex with him? women have sex mostly because of the emotional attachment. I actually don't expect praise right now for all that i am doing and have done over the years, i just want him to stop criticizing me. (and it's on stupid sh!t too, not even worth my time and so bad for the kids to see) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:41 PM Flag
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What do you do when he puts you down in front of the kids? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:46 PM Flag
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most times i ignore. sometimes i yell. in the past i've emailed or texted him. today i whispered something to him and he apologized 3xs. guess that's my new tactic! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:49 PM Flag
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Did you ever love him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:52 PM Flag
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of course. and i didn't marry him for money either! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:54 PM Flag
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np: sounds like he's unhappy with himself and projecting that on to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:50 PM Flag
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OP this is exactly what it is. but he doesn't know it. and it's been this way for 5 years. it's so hard for me to be attracted to someone who doesn't take initiative and better themselves in life. regardless that he was the only one working for the last 5 years - that's no excuse. in fact, it should have been more of an incentive to get a better job because he was supporting us all. i was successful when i met him and quit working to raise the kids - i held up my end of the agreement. he didn't [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:54 PM Flag
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I'm sure he knows this and his d*ck has all but shrivelled up and fallen off as a result. Aww.. poor guy. I'm a stupid bleeding heart, sorry. Poor you, too. Would he go for counciling if for no other reason to get his mojo back? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:58 PM Flag
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Having kids impacts different people differently. Maybe he's clinically depressed. You think he should have stepped up and he didn't. You're understandably disappointed. He may be terrified inside about all of the new pressure that's been placed on him in a relatively short period of time. Rather than judging him, encourage him. Let him know that you still believe in him. Also, encourage him to get to the root of his insecurity through counseling (personal or professional) and conversations with you. And if all else fails, you may have to move on because this is a really bad environment for you and the kids. You need to be the bigger person right now and try to end the stalemate. It's a sad situation for all of you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 10:14 PM Flag
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you say it like i haven't encouraged him over the years! after 3 years of this crap i'm ready to move on. i seriously do not believe in counseling and that comes from talking to counselors off the record and knowing a few who are totally f#d up in their own life. you're right, it's better i move on for the sake of the kids, but after being a sahm for a long time i have very little to go on. plus he wouldn't be able to support me with alimony and child support which is why we are still here [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 10:24 PM Flag
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wow. I am impressed. I only have 1 dc, and went back to work a few months ago and laundry is piling up, errands never get done, and I have a mountain of household paperwork to do! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 08:57 PM Flag
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don't kid yourself. it's timing. i've been a sahm for over 5 years like i said, and i was due for some me time. we don't really need me at work (we've made ends meet) but in order to get ahead and have a more comfortable life i need to go back to work. my dh's job is and has been going nowhere. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 08:58 PM Flag
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I feel like I lost any "me time" by going back to work. We both want another db, but I can't even imagine it now, and I was always the one who wanted a big family and LOVED the first couple of years with db. Trying to balance everything right now is about to push me over the edge. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:03 PM Flag
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i know what you mean. i don't have much me time either, but while a sahm i could plan dates with friends or do an errand by myself on the weekend and it would be enough (not compared to others, but for me) i needed an outlet and a sense of worth (not that being a sahm didn't do it for me, i guess i needed more after all these years. and i certainly don't care if someone sah forever. to each her own) with work i feel like i am a little bit of the "old me" before kids. and i have these great kids so it's even better! hang in there. i probably will be on here complaining next week about how hard everything is LOL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:07 PM Flag
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I just feel like I am missing so much--dc is only 2.5. He is happy and loves his nanny, so I shouldn't complain, but it is hard. I also have no interest in date nights or anything like that because I am so exhausted all the time. When I was a sahm, I looked forward to going out with dh and had more energy to put into our relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:25 PM Flag
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i meant date nights with friends! dh and i rarely go out because of the babysitter issue (not finding someone we trust and not having the money to pay someone regularly). i am kind of glad i waited until dcs were 3 & 5 to work because now it's not stressful, it's an outlet. but hang in there. maybe try to schedule a day where you can sleep or sit in front of the tv or whatever without anyone around. i also like to find things that dh and the kids only do by themselves: movies in the theater, haircuts...whatever you want, but you never go. that's their time and it gives you your time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:32 PM Flag
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I have even less interest in dealing with friends because I am so wiped out! Dh gets up with dc on weekends and they go to MIL's in the AM so I can sleep in and work out, but I still feel like I am missing all the stuff I really care about (db, dh, my parents) because I am working so much, let alone all the chores! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:43 PM Flag
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do you have enough money to hire a house cleaner? i have a friend whose gal cleans and does the laundry once a week. $80 a week. that could alleviate a lot of stress for you and give you that extra time each week to take a me time and keep your family time in tact [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:45 PM Flag
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yes, but I am so particular about how it is all done. I HATE having anyone else do my laundry. Dh tries to be helpful by dropping it off, and I get so upset because something always comes back faded or something. I just have to get over it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:51 PM Flag
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hmmmm. you might have to get over it. or, focus on your priorities and drop something. obviously you can't do it all. not to sound mean, but something's got to give. especially if you are unhappy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:56 PM Flag
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you are right. I just feel more fulfilled going to music classes with db and a clean kitchen and perfectly folded laundry than I do working as a lawyer. sigh. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 10:01 PM Flag
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then give it up. want to know how much our HHi is a year? i bet it would make you feel better and you could start living a new and different lifestyle if you quit your job [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 10:25 PM Flag
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I still have student loans. Otherwise, I would love to quit. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 10:30 PM Flag
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how is taht a part-time job? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 08:59 PM Flag
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well, i signed on to work between 10 and 20 hours a week, but last week was really busy. i made up time when the kids were asleep (early mornings, naps, late nights) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:02 PM Flag
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np-that would be part time in many fields these days [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:04 PM Flag
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OP tell me about it. pre-kids i used to work minimum 60 hrs and didn't blink. but jumping from 10ish to 40 is a little much! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:08 PM Flag
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:19 PM Flag
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:22 PM Flag
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^^^oh and what's the "S" stand for? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:23 PM Flag
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Oh, Superwoman (not sucker - that's a tiny 's') ;) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:30 PM Flag
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lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 09:32 PM Flag
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I'm impressed with you, but I am worried that you are focusing on being supermom to avoid dealing with bad marriage. I was feeling like supermom working about those hours, but with part time help with the baby, as well as help cleaning and not doing the finances. Still feels like a heck of a lot. You have to be working your ass off and you should be proud and also maybe you are realizing that you are capable of doing it on your own. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 11:04 PM Flag
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