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05.27.08, 19:02 PM General Topics
48 replies
Can separate accounts really work? I'm having a hard time accepting that my DH wants separate accounts, and separate money and separate property. It's true, I married him like this, but in reality, it's become a nightmare. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.27.08, 07:02 PM Flag
 

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It works for me, but clearly it isn't for everyone. Why does he want this? Is this a new thing? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:03 PM Flag
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no. it's not new. it was always this way, but in reality, the splitting of the bills became very unfair imo. he claims that paying for a mortgage for property that he owns is contributing to the household. is that right? because it gives me a place to live. he also claims that just because he paid off mortgage, doesn't mean that he's still not contributing even though he doesn't have that expense monthly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:05 PM Flag
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I think the mortgage thing is right, unless he is no longer making the payment in which case he should take up some other responsibilty. DH and I have always had separate accounts and it's never been a problem, not even now with me SAH. My parents have always had joint accounts. It just depends on the couple. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:08 PM Flag
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are you contributing proportionately equal amounts to the mortgage? if he's paid off the mortgage, that's not an expense and not a financial contribution. if he wants it to be an expense, start counting all your unpaid labour (childcare, cleaning, cooking, etc.) as "contributions" to be recorded in $ amounts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:08 PM Flag
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he's not paying mortgage anymore. and you think it's fair that his paying the mortgage would have counted for a property he owns 100%? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:14 PM Flag
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I do think his paying the mortgage counted because you were living there, and even if he didn't own it himself, you would have had to pay rent somewhere. BUT now that he's not paying it, all bets are off and he has to pay for something else. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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For him the mortgage was/is an investment but for both of you it was also an everyday living expense, presumably freeing up some of your money to make your own investments since you didn't pay rent/mortgage. However, once it's paid off I don't think he should count it anymore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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np: I would not like this at all. If it's our family home, I should be on the deed for it. Why does only DH own it? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:22 PM Flag
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I wouldn't like it either, but it sounds like OP knew this is how it would be from the start and she seems to have agreed to it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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op: i did agree to it. i did. i can't deny that i was a schmuck. must i now deal with this for another 40 years? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:27 PM Flag
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the problem is though, that, in effect, i am paying rent to my husband because he was essentially putting equity into something that he owned 100%. and, even when he stopped paying it, he said it was still a contribution because he provided us with a place to live. should i pay rent to my husband just because i would need to pay rent someplace else? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:25 PM Flag
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no, of course not [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:30 PM Flag
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op: well, that's my point. of COURSE, i would contribute to something we owned together, but why should i pay off equity in something he owns outright that gains value? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:33 PM Flag
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is it possible for you to pay half the mortgage? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:36 PM Flag
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what? you're paying rent to him? that I didn't get from your original post. I thought he was paying it and you were paying other stuff. That's just whack (for lack of a better word.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:37 PM Flag
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he is paying it and i'm paying other stuff, but i was paying ALL other stuff, and paying off a mortgage that he owns is just like putting money into your own savings account [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:40 PM Flag
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I'm really not being rude, but why did you agree to this? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:42 PM Flag
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you're not being rude. i'm a schmuck. that's the only reason. i was in my 30s and i was scared that i would never meet someone again, and the wedding was all planned, and really, i do love him. so, you're not being rude. it's a fair question. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:44 PM Flag
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I'm sorry. What a terrible situation to find yourself in and I would be very upset myself. Is he receptive to talking this out at all? I would assume that your spouse would be concerned about your financial safety and well-being. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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that's not what I meant. I meant, it's ridiculous for you to pay "rent" if the mortgage is paid off. But while it's being paid off, I don't see the issue. I mean, I would want to contribute to the mortgage and be on the deed, but that's a whole different conversation. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:38 PM Flag
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op: YES, but I'm not on the deed. it's paying money to a mortgage that he owns. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:39 PM Flag
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how are you paying money to the mortgage? are you contributing towards his payments? Or are you responsible for, say, groceries in lieu of mortgage payments? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:41 PM Flag
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lets see. i pay for all diapers, all formula, all food, cleaning person, babysitters, presents, phone bill, cable bill, airplane tickets, car service to airport, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:45 PM Flag
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also, he DOESNT have a mortgage. it's the imaginary mortgage that he says counts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:46 PM Flag
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oh my god! that is CRAZY. what a jerk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:47 PM Flag
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^^^ in my case, DH and I contribute in proportion to our income [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:14 PM Flag
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same for joint property? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:15 PM Flag
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yes [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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so, what if you stopped working? would you own 50% even though you didn't work? would that be an issue? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:22 PM Flag
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there have been periods where I didn't work and it doesn't affect our shared ownership of property. it's not an issue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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my understanding is, unless you have a prenup, if you get divorced all the money is both of yours, regardless of whether it's a joint account or separate accounts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:05 PM Flag
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we have a prenup [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:07 PM Flag
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I think this depends on where you live, and if you acquired the money during the marriage or before. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:23 PM Flag
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We have separate accounts. It works well for us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:07 PM Flag
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op: how? do you make more than him? in my case, my dh makes a lot more than me. we live in the apt. he bought, and if we buy new one, it will be his, unless i put in money, in which case i will own percentage i put in to buying price [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:11 PM Flag
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how long have you been married? dh and I were in similar situation with prenup, he owned apt. and made more than I, but once we were married, he agreed everything was equally ours and second home is in both our names. Our prenup basically protected our assets from before marriage but acknowledged that anything earned/purchased after was to be split equally. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:15 PM Flag
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that's not my prenup. everything is separate. i get some certain percentage after certain amount of years. ultimately 25% but i think that is after 20 years [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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How long have you been married? How long has this been an issue? Is it a big issue between you, or a nagging issue for you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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a big issue. tremendous. my lawyer sent my husband a letter today. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:21 PM Flag
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I'm sorry. It sounds like you guys are having a difficult time communicating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:35 PM Flag
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We each have our own accounts and we have joint accounts. We can each save/invest without getting totally wrapped up in the other person's attitudes/views towards money. It is much better than fighting each month over how much to save and what to invest in. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:17 PM Flag
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It depends on how you do it and why. We have his/hers/our accounts, but almost all of the money flows through the ours account and all investments are in joint accounts (except for IRAs and 401(k)s). Neither one of us like having to answer to the other one for how we spend our "walking around money" and we don't want the other one to know how much we spend on gifts for one another. Our family budget includes monthly stipends for both of us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:08 PM Flag
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op: oh. that's different. in my case, it's ALL separate [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:13 PM Flag
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Sounds like you are not happy with the arrangement, so maybe it's time for serious discussion with DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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Think back to when you married DH and signed the prenup. At that point, what was appealing about this financial arrangement? Would you be better off financially if you wee alone? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:25 PM Flag
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op: at the time i signed it, i was upset about it, BUT, he was paying a significant amount of the expenses. once we had kids, he continued to pay the same expenses and i paid for a significant part of the added expenses (except we split day care). plus, i did a significant (about 99 percent) of the household work. i guess when i got married, i assumed it would stay fair. but, it didn't. and i feel that i was very taken advantage of. and i can't get over the hurt. plus, he controls what goes on in the house to a certain degree - so, it's not just the money. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:37 PM Flag
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I can relate to you. My husband behaves similarly re $ -- it is insulting & is inappropriate for a "real" marriage. Just one issue in my marriage. You said your lawyer was sending him a letter. What are you hoping to achieve? If you are communicating this way, are things pretty contentious between you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.28.08, 12:50 AM Flag
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What you describe is not a real marriage. Just divorce already. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:25 PM Flag
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