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05.27.08, 10:59 AM General Topics
66 replies
i know this is a little heavy for ub, but, single mom...my dc died and i'm feeling very bad, his little sister is just all over the place emotionally and i feel like i can't deal with her. at first she was really affectionate and confused but now she is aggressive and inconsolable. i feel like i have nothing to give [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.27.08, 10:59 AM Flag
 

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UrbanBaby Support

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oh sweetie. Losing a child is the hardest thing to go through. How long ago did it happen? I lost my son at 3 days old. He would have been 6 now. You can get through this but it will take a long time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:00 AM Flag
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a couple days ago [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:04 AM Flag
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oh good grief! That is so soon! Of course you and your DD are both confused. You need some help. I know when youa re in the pit of this, it can feel impossible to reach out, but you may have to. Can you call someone to come and help you for a week or so? I see below that you just want to be alone,but you need someone to make sure you are eating and sleeping and help you care for your DD. Please call someone. I will wait here while you do if you want me to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:09 AM Flag
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maybe i'll have to. i just can't do it today. i'm just letting her do whatever she wants which, at the moment, is laying under the couch as i type [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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that works. You ladies will make it through this, somehow and someway, you will. DS would want that for you both. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:17 AM Flag
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OR and that is fine. But please please find someone who can help you. You will need all sorts of support during the next few months. Make sure you remember to eat and sleep ok? Grieving is hard work and you need your strength. I mentioned a website below that saved my life and sanity after my son died. There is nothing that can help more than talking to someone who has BTDT. Hang in there [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:19 AM Flag
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Who do you have for support? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:01 AM Flag
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i don't know. i have a lot of emails from people "so sorry, call me if there's anything i can do" but i don't want to call anyone and i really have no idea what they could do, so, i guess, no one? i really just want to be alone [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:02 AM Flag
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np: so, so sorry. how old is dd? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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she's 4 and i feel like she can tell that i have no idea what i'm doing and doesn't trust me [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:06 AM Flag
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it is very early and she is raw...get some help for both of you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:08 AM Flag
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No no. You are projecting your own feelings. I'm sure she can sense your overwhelming sadness and remoteness. Do you have family who can come? Friends who can help fill out the house? I know you want to be alone, but some company might help out DD. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:09 AM Flag
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how did your dc die? was it sudden? can y ou join a support group...also therapy will help both you and your daughter through this tough time. was there a dad that can pitch in [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:06 AM Flag
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i've arranged for a therapist, but, really, i can sort of see the depth of what is going on with her and it scares me...it was sudden and she went from this silly little kid to these complicated emotions in a flash. i instantly knew it would be awful for her, of course, but i didn't think things would change this fast and i didn't really think about it, but didn't think that i would have to deal with this before i could arrange support or something for her and i guess i assumed i'd have something to give, but i'm just numb [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:09 AM Flag
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Give yourself a break. You lost a child, which I cannot imagine. You have your own grief to deal with too. Can some family members come over? Maybe take up some of your friends on their offers to take DD out for a bit?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. I'm not in NYC, but maybe someone could recommend a great therapist??? I'll be thinking of you... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:07 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:08 AM Flag
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there's no one i could ask to come here who i would feel like i had to "host" them, and i can't deal. i want to send her away, or go away myself, but i know i wouldn't do that...i'm just going through the motions but i don't want to see anyone, i can barely deal with having to look at the doorman [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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np: do you have family who lives close by? i don't think any of your friends would expect you to host them. please take their help. you can't do this alone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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nnp: This is good advice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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maybe just ask them to take dd to a playground or for ice cream on a regular basis, so you know that you have one or two hours to yourself every day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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If you were my friend or family member I would be there in a heartbeat and would not feel at all like I needing hosting. In fact, when things like this happen friends and family feel so helpless and wish there is something they can do. They would jump to help you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:18 AM Flag
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ITA [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:20 AM Flag
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Same here, I wish I knew OP so I could help! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:20 AM Flag
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is dd in preschool? if so, I'm sure school could set up some kind of help w/dd--playdates, meals--parents would be grateful to be able to help you. really. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:22 AM Flag
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that is a good idea too [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:46 AM Flag
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i am so so so sorry. i can't even imagine what you are going through. perhaps you should have your friends help out. they can come over and take DD out or watch DD while you sleep and grieve. I know that if you were my friend, I would WANT to do this for you. Don't feel like you are putting anyone out and take the help that your friends and family are offering you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:10 AM Flag
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What happened to your DC? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:10 AM Flag
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NP - I think it's so rude of you that this is the only thing you have to say. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:18 AM Flag
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ITA. Of course you are curious and anxious, but even on an anonymous board you should check that impulse. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine. Does DD understand what is going on? Was his death sudden or were you able to prepare for it (not that you ever can of course)? What is she saying to you? Are you guys talking about him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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it was completely sudden. she was there and knew before i did. she's ferocious...i went to touch her head and she basically growled at me and bit me. then she was talking about him as if he were her invisible friend and now she is just quiet and unreachable [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:21 AM Flag
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oh lord. My entire body aches for you both. How overwhelming and scary for everyone. Have you been to the therapist yet? Quiet and unreachable sounds normal for right now, she's shutting down and it's protective in the short-term. It must be so hard for you right now when all you probably want to do is breakdown and you have to be strong and care for her. Who will watch out for you? Can you help explain to her what happened? Does she understand what's going on? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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i think she understands. i think she thought it would be over when she woke up. i can't deal with my therapist yet, though i have one - but i got an appt for her [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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that is understandable. Good for you for getting an apt for her. I really like the idea someone gave to you about having the preschool people help out and make food, etc. Somewhere inside you is the strength to function and help her and yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Where is dd's father? Can he help out a bit? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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She sounds like my DD. She had such a PERSONAL relationship with her brother. Your just being there is key. Really don't sweat about the details of your presence. She just needs you nearby. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:31 AM Flag
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np: Where are your parents or dd's grandparents? Is there anyone you can think of that can deal with her right now? I wish I knew you and could help you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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I'm the poster above who also lost a child. There is a fantastic website that saved my life after I lost my son. Missfoundation.org. The forums are there 24/7 and make no demands on you. Go there if you need someone to talk to or just want to read about how other people are dealing with the feelings this brings up. There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better except that I got through this, other people have and you can too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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thanks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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np: are you the mom who lost dc to the heart condition? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:16 AM Flag
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yeah - that's me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:19 AM Flag
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I'm the mom whose friend's dd had the heart transplant on day 8. You were an amazing resource and source of strength. Thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:21 AM Flag
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I'm so glad I was able to help. How is your friend's DD? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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Doing pretty well. Still not out of the woods yet, but every day she gets stronger and stronger. They are just waiting for a pesky virus to go away. Cardiac function is perfect. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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that is so great! I love hearing success stories. I hope she will continue to do well. ;-) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:27 AM Flag
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thanks, me too! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:29 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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Is there anything we can do? I know it's odd, and we're a bunch of strangers... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:27 AM Flag
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My heart hurts for you both. I cannot even contemplate the pain you must be feeling. How old is dd? How old was the dc who passed? My lord that is so unbelievably sad. What happened? Do you mind telling us what happened? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:34 AM Flag
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i really can't talk about what happened specifically, but it was a freak accident and he died very quickly. he was 7 and she is 4. but everyone in my building, everyone i work with, everyone i know knows and neither dd or i are prepared to go out and have all of the "i'm so sorry" things yet [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:43 AM Flag
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do you have one friend you can reach out to -even via email - and tell them what you've told us. That you're not ready to deal, you're not ready to talk, but you could probably use some practical help (groceries, taking dd for a playdate, to school, or around the block for a walk if you don't think she should be out for so long.) The one person you contact should then set up an email list or chain and should make all the arrangements so you get some space and things are taken care of. Please take the chance on one person - I'm sure your friends are wishing they could help but unsure what to do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 11:48 AM Flag
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np -- i also think your friends actually do want to help but don't know what to do... that is exactly how i would feel in their position. this sounds like a reasonable way to let them know how to help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 01:20 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 01:30 PM Flag
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General Topics 05.27.08, 01:54 PM Flag
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I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know how you get out of bed after something like that. But, if I'm reading the posts correctly, it sounds like your DD witnessed your DS die in a freak accident. If that's correct you are really going to need to get some help for her. It's raw right now but you really need to find someone to help both of you. Good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 03:01 PM Flag
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np: ITA. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and can't imagine what you are going through right now. I agree with your above instinct, too, to not send her away, even though you might desperately need time to yourself. If she was there, it's quite possible she's blaming herself for what happened, and you wouldn't want the gesture even though completely innocently intended to be misinterpreted in any way. I wish I could say something to comfort you right now. I am so terribly sorry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 07:58 PM Flag
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np: me too. This is an incredible tragedy. I hope that everything will always be good for you from now on [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.29.08, 10:27 PM Flag
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i am so sorry. do you have a therapist for yourself? be careful to not overlook the damage that was/will be done to you for sake of your other DC and yourself. take care of yourself and your other DC. i will pray for you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 03:07 PM Flag
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I'm really sorry. I'll pray for you and your family. You need to be strong. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.27.08, 08:07 PM Flag
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I'm sorry that I don't have any practice advice but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am. My thoughts and prayers for you and your dd. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.28.08, 04:19 PM Flag
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^^^practical [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.28.08, 04:25 PM Flag
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i am so sorry for you but why cant you talk about specifics? i find this a very odd post [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.28.08, 04:34 PM Flag
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np: because it's TOO painful obviously. Have you ever had anyone close to you (and I don't mean some just happen to know) pass away? obviously you're a bit clueless... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.29.08, 10:24 PM Flag
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my parent recently died unexpectedly. I still cant even say that he died. I can barely talk about him. I can't use the past tense for him. When you have a sudden death sometimes it just doesnt sink in and its unbearable to talk about. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.30.08, 01:05 PM Flag
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I am sorry for your loss [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.28.08, 09:44 PM Flag
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OMG, you are not able to take care of her right now, Have someone take her for a few days so you can GRIEVE. Let them take her out to have a good time, she is 4, You have to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.02.08, 08:11 AM Flag
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