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05.25.08, 17:27 PM General Topics
21 replies
here's my post. not sure if it's a vent or a kvetch. i'm in a huge funk. i had a miscarriage (second trimester) a few weeks ago and i think a lot of this is the residual from that (both emotional and physical/chemical). i'm trying so hard to keep things in perspective. i have a wonderful life in all the important ways. But i'm just so unhappy. angry and sad a lot of the time. unhappy with my weight, with my job, with my financial situation. irritable with dcs and dh. anyone ever btdt? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.25.08, 05:27 PM Flag
 

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

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Its good that you realize that something is off. Is therapy an option? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:29 PM Flag
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i'm starting to consider it. although i think it's also healthy to let things work themselves out. i'm not sure if i should be giving myself time or trying to knock things back into place. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:34 PM Flag
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sorry for your loss. A second trimester m/c can be really traumatic. Have you given yourself permission to grieve it? Sometimes if you don't, the sadness and anger can come out in weird ways. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:34 PM Flag
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it's been very weird. at first i was thinking it's not a big deal, i'll get over it, it's not a like a "real" baby. But then i was surprised at my sadness and anger. i'm so angry. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:37 PM Flag
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anger is a very normal part of grief. And like I said, a 2nd trimester loss is not easy to handle. That is supposed to be past the dangerous time. How far along were you? You need to allow yourself to feel whatever comes up and take the time to deal with it. Therapy can be helpful but find someone who specializes in loss. If you want online people to talk to, there is a great site called Missfoundation.org. The forums there are for all sorts of child loss. There is a whole forum for m/c and another for trying again (assuming you want to) They saved my life after I lost my son. I wil be glad to answer anything else you may want to know - even if it seems odd or scary. I know there are sometimes things you can't ask IRL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:40 PM Flag
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thank you so much. i think i was looking at things in such a rational way that i figured i'd be fine with it. then all the emotions hit me and i kept saying "i shouldn't be feeling this way" instead of saying "it's normal to be feelign this way". i tried going to an online message board and i felt so guilty. there are so many people who are tyring for years to have dcs. or who had stillborn or infant loss. or who have had more than one miscarriage. and i feel like "who am i to complain?". but then i think that's making it even harder for me t odeal with my emotions. dh and i are essentially not talking about it at all. my mom thinks i'm over-reacting to a certain extent. i called a volunteer helpline and i think it was helpful for me to verbalize things. but they couldn't really help me. they said all the right things but it didn't really help. sometimes i think the only thing that will help is just having another baby. then i think that i'll be a real wreck when i get pregnant again. assuming i do get pregnant again. maybe i'm also feeling in limbo right now...waiting to get the doctor's ok for having sex again. i think i'm more shook up about this than i thought i'd be. thanks for listening. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:45 PM Flag
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^^^whoops. it was helpful to say things out loud. but he couldn't really help. he said all teh right things but bottom line is that it's still painful. sometimes i think that only having another bayb will make things better. then i worry that i won't be able to conceive. or that the pregnancy will be really scary. i'm in limbo right now...waiting for the doctor's ok to have sex. and i think that's another aspect that very difficult now...the no-man's land. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:47 PM Flag
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not a problem. Don't worry about anyone else's loss. My OB told me a very wise thing after my son died. SHe told me to get to some sort of support group and that I would hear worse stories than mine. At the time I thought "What could be worse?" but she was right. And what I have learned is that a loss is a loss and none of it is fun. A very sad thing happened to you. Of course you have the right to complain. You can't compare losses - it doesn't work that way and even if someone else's loss was "worse" than yours in some way, you still have the same emotions. This board I mentioned does have the one just for m.c too which I think makes some people in your situation feel more comfortable but they will welcome you no matter what. It can be a little babycenter - fair warning! But I needed that for a while. Try to talk to your mom and your DH. She should know better but things were handled differetnly many years ago. Men don't really get connected to a baby til he or she is born so DH probably just doesn't really get it. Men grieve differently anyway though. The only way through grief is through it. You can't avoid it and it's hard and it sucks, But, you can get through it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:50 PM Flag
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thank you. i'm going to look at that site. i think i need to start reaching out, talking to people, dealing with this as a real loss instead of trying to convince myself it's no big deal. thanks for your post. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:56 PM Flag
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it is a real loss and although having another baby will help some things, it won't fix everything and yes a subsequent pg can be tough. Those women there were a god send during my sub pg. ALso, you don't have to post much. You can always just read. Sometimes that helps too. GL to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:58 PM Flag
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i'm definitely going to go there and look. and thanks again for posting. it's good to know that my reactions are normal. i can cut myself some slack while also working on functioning well enough for dh and dcs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 06:23 PM Flag
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np: so sad for you - may I ask what happened to your son & age? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 06:04 PM Flag
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thx. He was 3 days old and had a heart defect. I have posted here about him before [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 06:08 PM Flag
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you are me, only mine was only 6 wk... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:35 PM Flag
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how long has it been? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:40 PM Flag
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we're still ttc. it was last July... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:41 PM Flag
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yikes. are you seeing a therapist? how's your relationship with dh? i'm doing ok with dh but we've really been avoiding the issue. so either it's going to blow up in our faces someday or it'll just quietly fade. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:50 PM Flag
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yes i see one once a week. for 45 minutes. it's not enough. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 05:59 PM Flag
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lost a pregnancy in the 4th month - that was over a year ago and now have a heathly baby girl - but i still cry over that lost baby and still get depressed - but it is much better than it was and all i can say is that time helped - i know it sounds cliche but it is true - you will move forrward with everything, life, work , relationship - evertything will get better [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 06:03 PM Flag
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sorry for your loss too. Glad things are better for you. It takes a while [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 06:07 PM Flag
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thank you so much. i'm really upset today (i think spending the day with relatives shook me up for some reason) and it's so nice to know that this is normal for me to be feeling this way. i'm happy for you that you have a new baby. thanks for posting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.25.08, 06:21 PM Flag
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