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05.21.08, 18:37 PM General Topics
51 replies
dh cannot go out w/o drinking too much. He's on his way home now and slurring his words as usual. It's somehow socially acceptable (all his friends do it), but not acceptable to me. I don't know what to do but feel so sad and helpless...any advice? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.21.08, 06:37 PM Flag
 

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Talk with him about it at a time when he's sober and not rushing to get to work [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:38 PM Flag
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We have talked about it ad nauseum. We sometimes threaten counseling, but not sure what that would solve or if that even makes sense. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:39 PM Flag
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What do you mean "threaten" counseling? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:39 PM Flag
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I guess we don't see ourselves as needing counseling in general, so it seems like a big deal to say we need counseling over this issue [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:40 PM Flag
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Well clearly you both do need it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:41 PM Flag
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Maybe so. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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Talk to him about it when he is sober and the kids are not around - not confrontational, just ask him why he drinks, what it does for him, if he is ok with it. Let him know that you feel iuncomfortable with him driving in this state. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:38 PM Flag
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He never drives (in NYC) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:39 PM Flag
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are either of you children of alcoholics? This might complicate the situation. I would say that you need to understand from his point of view what the drinking is doing for him and come to some sort of peace with it. If counseling is needed, I assume it would be for him if he is an addict, but if he is, I would recommend recovery and NOT drinking. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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and this would be a separate issue from the couples counseling that you feel you also may need. good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:43 PM Flag
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I'm a child of a recovering alcoholic. I know dh isn't an alcoholic. What bothers me is that he doesn't know his limits. It's not like he goes kinda crazy b/c it's a big night, he just loses track and ends up drunk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:44 PM Flag
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You are having a typical acoa reaction. I flip out if there are too many wine bottles in the house and my dh is so not an alcoholic. You are reacting to him in the present and also to the painful memories you have from childhood. You should read more about being an adult child of an alcoholic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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I know this must be part of it. I also have an issue with our db (well, when he's a dc) seeing us drunk--I don't think it's ok but I've asked here before and everyone else thinks it's fine. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:48 PM Flag
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We are very similar. I used to be fine with occasional drinking, but once dd was born I have quit cold turkey - I think it is b/c I don't want to do to her what my mom did to me and I will go to any length to avoid her ever seeing me drunk. Typical acoa!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:49 PM Flag
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Thanks for responding--it helps [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:51 PM Flag
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Can you recommend any reading? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:49 PM Flag
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np: can you recommend a book? Is this typical? I "let" (he appeases me) dh drink only Thurs, Fri, Sat nights and only beer and wine in the house. I would freak if he drank during the week or drank hard alcohol at home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:51 PM Flag
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Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz - excellent book - dh should read as well as he needs to be aware of where your feelings come from and why you are so scared of his drinking and what it brings up for you in terms of past trauma. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:54 PM Flag
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thank you...is it bizarre that I'm not even sure I can get myself to buy the book? the alcoholism has never been dealth acknowledged or dealt with. I'm actually even surprised I'm posting this... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:57 PM Flag
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denial and secrecy are so much a part of it. You will come to your own truth and understanding in your own time - don't be too hard on yourself and rely on dh to help you open up about your feelings, this will heal your marriage or at the least, bring you closer together. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:59 PM Flag
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ty (I'm the other poster, not the OP) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 07:03 PM Flag
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how often does he go out and do this - once in a while big deal [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:40 PM Flag
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He used to do it a lot more. Now he goes out pretty infrequently but it still bothers me. Why can't he have ever have fun without getting wasted? The man is nearly 40 y.o. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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well then It wouldn't bother me. I do the same when I go out drinking with my friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:43 PM Flag
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I guess I'm just uptight. I feel like since becoming a parent I don't like to get so drunk anymore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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you are really sounding like a typical adult child of an alcoholic - you have issues with the act of drinking due to the negative addictive environment you grew up in - I am the exact same way. Try to lighten up a bit on him and open up to him about these feelings. He may be a help to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:48 PM Flag
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np: i would feel the same way and i'm not a child of an alcoholic. for me, it's about maturity and acting like a role model for your children [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:56 PM Flag
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crazy talk, the man is not drinking in front of his kids, he goes out and comes home while they're asleep and i'm sure is back to daddy-mode by morning [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:59 PM Flag
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that is too rigid and I am a child of an alcoholic - he can drink and have a good time as long as dw is feeling ok about it and she will once she has dealt with her feelings - or maybe she won't, in which case he is going to have to get on board about seeing a counselor to deal with her and her issues about drinking. Lesson here - don't become an alcoholic while raising children - it messes them up. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 07:01 PM Flag
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np-sounds like you changed your lifestyle to an extent higher than had he, and you expect him to follow suit....that's not really fair....reading this whole tread, i don't have the impression that he is an alcoholic or is doing anything damaging to anybody [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:49 PM Flag
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it feels to me like you are displacing your anger onto the drinking about other things that you are unhappy about in your marriage or life, and/or you have an issue with drinking due to having a parent who drank too much. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:45 PM Flag
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Oh god I guess I need the counseling then! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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no, read Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz (sp?). It is a great book. You are having very typical acoa feelings and reactions. Dh needs to be aware of this so he can be sensitive to your feelings and what appears to be rigid and overreactive behavior is stemming from your out of control feelings as a child. He should read the book, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:52 PM Flag
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Thank you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:54 PM Flag
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My 44 yo dh is the same. It makes me nuts. He also feels he has to call me from 1 or 2 AM in the cab to tell me he's coming home. Slurs and wakes me up. Grow up, dhs!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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I'd love your dhs. Im 44 and like to still have fun. I don't drive either [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:49 PM Flag
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OP: Every once in a while is fine, but once or twice a week gets old. I'm also resentful because I never go out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:52 PM Flag
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you need to get out. I started doing this - dh baby sits and I go out to dinner or drinks with friends - even guy friends - or concerts. Tell him you need to get out [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:55 PM Flag
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I should've said OR above, sorry. In any case, I have no friends to go out with or I would. I sometimes will go to a movie on the weekend, but I don't like going to bars and restaurants alone at night. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 07:01 PM Flag
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Why don't you have friends -- new to city? closed of b/c of dcs? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.22.08, 12:52 AM Flag
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age is not a factor - you married this guy knowing he enjoyed drinking and doing this - you can't change people. He sounds fun - you should go out with him and get a sitter [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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Usually the womenfolk are not invited. (I'm not SO lame...I do go out and like to have a drink, just don't like to get very out of control.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:50 PM Flag
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np-once in a while would not bother me at all, few drinks with the guys, who cares...could be so much worse, no? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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This is when men start cheating - women nagging them about a little drunken fun [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:52 PM Flag
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Oh jeez louise [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:53 PM Flag
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np: why does every post have to turn into a "this is why men cheat" diatribe? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:53 PM Flag
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because they'll use any excuse to cheat...lol...jk [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:57 PM Flag
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whatever ,dh [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:55 PM Flag
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If he can't go out w/o drinking too much then he is an alcoholic, albeit a functioning one. He sounds like a binge drinker, like my dh. "Why have a couple when you can have twelve?" I've let go the illusion of having any control over this. It's all in dh's lap and up to him whether it stays the same, gets better or gets worse. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 09:56 PM Flag
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ITA - it seems like alot of posters are defending him. There is nothing wrong with having a few drinks occasionally or getting buck wild occasionally, but if a person doesn't know their limits repeatedly and regularly, that is alcoholism. Full stop. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.22.08, 03:24 AM Flag
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Yeah, "why don't you loosen up and join him for once?" is not only insulting, but besides the point. 'Wow, my husband can't stop doing crack.' 'Why don't you relax and smoke a rock with him every once in a while?' Insanity. If it always happens, then he doesn't have control over his own behavior, does he? It's sad, I know. BTDT. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.22.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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