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05.21.08, 18:13 PM General Topics
35 replies
Did I choose the wrong dh? I had two options, one was a man who made me so happy, but there was no challenge for me and I didn't feel like I could grow and change. The other, whom I chose, doesn't understand how to make me happy, or maybe it's that he doesn't want to just make me happy all the time because he wants me to learn to do that by myself. He wants me to grow and become the better more emotionally healthy person that I can be. Sometimes I wonder how easy my life would be if I had made a different choice...but is that really better? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 05.21.08, 06:13 PM Flag
 

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Who was hotter in the sack? Question answered. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:13 PM Flag
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the one I chose. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:17 PM Flag
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uh, yeah [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:14 PM Flag
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Which one makes the most $$$? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:14 PM Flag
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sounds like it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:15 PM Flag
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Why wouldn't you pick the man who made you so happy? Or maybe you shouldn't have picked either? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:15 PM Flag
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I didn't feel like I could grow as a person in that relationship. I felt almost trapped in who I was at that moment. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:16 PM Flag
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Well to my second question - maybe you shouldn't have picked either one. My dh makes me deliriously happy and I don't feel trapped at all but I had to wait until I was 35 to meet him. Gave up a lot of potential guys in the meantime. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:20 PM Flag
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thats wonderful for you. Maybe someday my dh and I will figure out a better balance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:21 PM Flag
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^^but this is the question (your first q) that I ask myself over and over when I'm down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:18 PM Flag
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I don't see how you can sum up these people and your relationships with them so neatly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:17 PM Flag
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well, yes clearly I'm oversimplifying. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:19 PM Flag
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^^this just sums up the major differences as I see them now. At the time, none of this was crossing my mind, I just kind of ended up with the one that I was dating when I wanted to get married and have kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:20 PM Flag
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don't torture yourself with what could have been. just might not have ever turned out like you surmise anyway. work towards making your marriage stronger. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:23 PM Flag
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thank you, this is good advice. I have a hard time with letting go/regret. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:30 PM Flag
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were you looking for a husband, or a father?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:21 PM Flag
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You think the one I choose sounds more fatherly? or the other way around? In truth, I always felt that the first was fatherly to me. My dh has always felt more like my peer. That doesn't really make sense because the way it's simplified above it sounds like he's trying to teach me a lesson, but it's not like that. I just think that he loves me so much that he knows the best way to help me in my life journey is to get me to be happy with myself. I have some self-esteem issues. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:24 PM Flag
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yes, i do think your dh sounds to treat you like a parent should....love you, wants to help you better yourself, build your self-esteem, etc....a partner just loves you for all that you are, and shares life with you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:26 PM Flag
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but it's not a partner's job to be your one source of happiness. I do need to learn to be happy without someone jumping through hoops to make me that way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:28 PM Flag
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where did you read any of that "one source of happiness" and "jumping through hoops"? not in my post certainly [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:31 PM Flag
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no, but that's how it was. I'm not happy unless someone is constantly surprising me and showering me with smiles and affection. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:32 PM Flag
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awwh, honey, that's actually very human, and not at all disfunctional....if your dh is training you to not expect smiles and affection than you did marry the wrong man, and i take back the father comment too, b/c a father also should do those things [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:36 PM Flag
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oh God, how can I change this? He loves me with all of his heart, he just doesn't understand affection. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:38 PM Flag
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maybe couples therapy? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:40 PM Flag
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maybe. Thank you for talking to me about this, I have to get to bed now, but you've been so sweet and helpful. I need to sleep one it. Thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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all the best to you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:43 PM Flag
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I don't get why anyone would choose a challenging dh vs. one that made yoy happy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:22 PM Flag
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He;s not challenging...he just challenges me to be a better person. I felt somehow trapped in my persona with the first. Like if I changed, it would no longer work, so what ended up happening is that as I grew up, I changed, but faked towards him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:26 PM Flag
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you are me. so stupid. you made the wrong choice. so did i. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:32 PM Flag
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glad to know someone else is in the same boat. Do you talk to anyone about your regret? Is your marriage strong? My marriage is strong and I know we will never divorce, but sometimes I daydream about what could have been and sometimes even about circumstances that might bring us together further down the road (like maybe we'll both be widowed and end up together). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:35 PM Flag
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^^this last part is so psycho and I know it. I love my dh dearly and would be torn apart if he died. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:36 PM Flag
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i don't think our marriage is so strong. DH and i don't have much in common and I had more in common with my ex. DH is much more demanding than my ex was too. I don't think we'll divorce because we are too dysfunctional to leave each other. we have good days and bad days. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:39 PM Flag
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^^also, my DH is not affectionate either. won't hold my hand when we walk...he'll actually walk ahead of me because i walkt "too slow". I scream at him about it all the time. He will do nice things for me, but sometimes the other stuff is too much to bear [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:41 PM Flag
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OP: Good luck, I'm sorry I don't have the answers for you. But hopefully we'll both figure it out someday and have happier marriages. I'm off to bed. Take care. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 06:43 PM Flag
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I actually made the other choice and have regrets sometimes too. Dh makes me happy and loves me to death but gives me no reason to work toward anything. I've gained a lot of weight and am not doing much of interest and he doesn't notice really. I hinestly wish someone held me to some sort of standard and challenged me to be my best. I'm drowning in love and mediocrity. Grass is always greener, eh? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 05.21.08, 08:54 PM Flag
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