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09.09.19, 19:11 PM General Topics
115 replies
Has anyone successfully dealt with DD being the target of a Queen Bee and her underlings? I'm reading Queen Bees and Wannabes and getting good tips, but would love to hear any success stories and/or pitfalls to avoid. My DD is 9 yo [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:11 PM Flag
 

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Are you reading this proactively, or is your 9 yo currently the target of a queen bee type? I [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:18 PM Flag
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she's a huge target. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:23 PM Flag
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She’s in third grade. Teachers are everywhere. She isn’t In harms way. So... teach her how to be a friend and choose a friend. That’s all [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:25 PM Flag
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Np here- obviously you’ve never been picked on as a kid. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:28 PM Flag
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Everyone gets picked on at some point. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:30 PM Flag
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not true. I have one who NEVER got picked on or picked on anyone; a second who was a constant target [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:49 AM Flag
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Not obvious. You are wrong. Sorry [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:32 PM Flag
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Hmm [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:09 PM Flag
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You were obviously never bullied or a mean-girl target, sorry [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:59 PM Flag
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Geez, this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:32 PM Flag
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She was physically held down last Friday and no teachers saw. So yes, she is in harm's way. I'm waiting to hear back from the school regarding having a meeting. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:31 PM Flag
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Does she have any marks? Who held her down? Did anyone else see and tell [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:59 PM Flag
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The school could have interviewed the kids separately. Of course someone will talk. This book isn't going to help you. the situation is way past that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:18 PM Flag
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Not sure. Still waiting to speak with them. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:01 PM Flag
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Does she have any marks? What did she say. I have ds and they play rough all the time [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:18 PM Flag
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No marks that i saw. She asked the girls to leave her alone and they wouldn’t so she ran away. They chased her and one held each arm while the other girl yelled something at her. That’s not “rough play” and she didn’t enjoy it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:59 PM Flag
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teach her to go to adult [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:20 PM Flag
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She did. Went to a teacher and then the counselor. All on her own. I’m just not happy with their laid back response [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:27 PM Flag
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What do you want? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:39 PM Flag
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I went them to leave her alone. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:48 PM Flag
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That’s not a request anyone can grant. You understand that right? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:30 AM Flag
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Then you go there today or tomorrow--call and tell the principal/secretary that you are coming to discuss physical intimidation and bullying. They need to take you seriously so you need to go all in on this. Been there. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 07:17 PM Flag
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Are you in NYC? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:06 PM Flag
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This isn't the time for reading a book. If the school isn't taking it seriously then you have two choices - lawyer/call superintendent/etc or go and sit in the office of the school so you can be there in case your child is physically assaulted again. My friend had to do the second thing and suddenly class schedules (that teachers had been pushing to get changed) were changed. You have to just sit yourself in the office and not leave until it is resolved. Be nice but firm. GL [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:11 PM Flag
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Something to repeat over and over is that your child does not feel safe at school. Most school districts have a policy about that and you need to use exact language. No child can learn when they don't feel safe. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:12 PM Flag
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Yes and that’s easy to do because it’s true!! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:01 PM Flag
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Are you sure? Because to me that’s adult language. You say she’s gullible and befriends them and then say she doesn’t feel safe. You need to pick a lane before charging the office (which I don’t recommend) [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:20 PM Flag
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That is the language of policies about bullying, that is why OP needs to use it. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:56 PM Flag
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This. But since she doesn’t feel comfortable walking out onto the playground, she truly doesn’t feel safe. She hasn’t used that word specifically though. PP is correct that it is part of the schools code. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:17 PM Flag
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That’s your opinion. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:21 PM Flag
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Yes. Adult language. So dont attribute to the child. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:22 PM Flag
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This is ridiculous. She isn't saying her child SAID she doesn't feel safe, she is saying HER CHILD DOESN'T FEEL SAFE. The OP needs to use these specific words because they should get these people off their asses to take it seriously. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 03:26 AM Flag
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It sounds like her child literally IS NOT SAFE. Op, you need to go there and bring your dh if you can--I hate to say it but schools are used to upset moms so they pay more attention when a dad shows up too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 07:18 PM Flag
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unfortunately,in nyc, they may give your child a "safety transfer," which means you will have to switch schools. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:50 AM Flag
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You have to park your ass in the office. Not calling and asking for a meeting. This is a big deal. Threaten to have a police report filed. Holding someone down is not ok. Of course other kids saw, does not matter if the teacher didn't see. This school sucks, OP. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:16 PM Flag
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I’m very anxious to talk with them and find out how they are going to handle it [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:01 PM Flag
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They can’t handle it. Your dd will still be excluded. They can’t really stop this. I think you need to figure out longterm goal as a mom here. Is she in a k-12? Perhaps not the best place. You need to keep mama bear in check. It’s hard. But you can’t change the situation. Just try and help dd be smarter and find a friend. If it’s not at school, find an EC she likes with an opportunity to meet friend there. Church group, brownies, girls who code.... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:26 PM Flag
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This advice would have been fine but once it moved to physical, it went beyond this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:56 PM Flag
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Offs on physical. A kid ran three girls chased and for all you know were trying to get her to stop and listen. The held her arm. This really isn’t a physical assault. OP don’t be THAT mom. Help your daughter. Don’t vilify others. Or make outrageous statements and or demands [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:24 PM Flag
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No statements or demands from me. I don't want them to get in trouble, I just want them to stop. They REGULARLY chase/follow her after she's asked to be left alone. This time they caught her and held her so she couldn't get away. That is NOT OKAY. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:29 PM Flag
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You said you aren’t happy with the laid back response of adults. What DO you WANT? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:40 PM Flag
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I want them to leave my DD alone. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:48 PM Flag
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And how wil that be accomplished? What are you asking for in this meeting? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:31 AM Flag
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We are considering changing schools. She has tried to find new friends to play with at recess but she’s afraid of looking for them in the playground. She will be alone until she finds them. So she just skips recess and stays inside to color. She has ECs where she loves the kids and fits in but that doesn’t help at school. :( [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:16 PM Flag
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There is nothing wrong with coloring or reading during recess in 3rd grade [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:41 PM Flag
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It’s fine if it is by choice. It stinks when you are hiding there because you don’t feel comfortable on the playground. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:49 PM Flag
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That’s retry much why everyone who colors or reads during recess is coloring or reading during recess. If it were more fun to be at recess, that’s where they would be [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:32 AM Flag
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My dc had something like this going on. I met with the principal and AP and the counselor. We came up with a short list of kids that she liked/felt safe with. They set up a little group--kids were asked if they wanted to join-- to do a fun activity with 1/week for a month. It helped get her a group of friends! [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 07:20 PM Flag
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Honestly, if you called and are waiting for an appointment to talk, you don't sound anxious. Go to school and talk with them, but figure out what you want before you start going down a particular path. Do you want to pull her out of the school, out of her class, or do you just want the teacher to be made aware. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 05:29 PM Flag
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Why does she have a target on her back? Can you figure that out [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:28 PM Flag
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She's not into boys or clothes. She likes computers, engineering, etc. Wears glasses, has a lisp. She's very funny and so sweet, but kids her age don't get past the exterior. :( [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:31 PM Flag
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It’s the glasses and lisp. Not much you can do about that, but both should go away as she gets older. She needs one friend. Get the teacher to help you find that person. Do. Not. Alienate. The. Teacher. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:01 PM Flag
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And find a clothes balance. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:07 PM Flag
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I’m not upset with her teacher at all. It’s on the playground, not in the classroom. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:02 PM Flag
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Nyc public? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:20 PM Flag
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Private [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:12 PM Flag
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Tread VERY lightly [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:25 PM Flag
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How so? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:31 PM Flag
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Then switch! What's holding you back? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 02:38 PM Flag
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So these girls are perfectly lovely to her IN class but do t let her play at recess? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:27 PM Flag
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In class they can’t gang up. Most are nice one on one. Plus there is direct supervision in class. The hallways, lunchroom and playground are the tough spots. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:13 PM Flag
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There is adult supervision at recess too. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:25 PM Flag
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But far more sparse and kids are all over the place. Impossible to see and hear everything. I get that. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:29 PM Flag
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The teacher should be following their social skills curriculum. The counselor should work with this class. There is a whole lot of letting them get by with stuff. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:58 PM Flag
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Meaning you are letting the adults off the hook. PP is wrong above - the teacher and the school counselor and the other administrators CAN have an impact and get your dd in a better place with these other kids. They CAN. You are not saying what needs to be set to get this resolution though. They have curricula for dealing with this, the counselor can pull small groups, SO MUCH CAN CHANGE. But if you have to hold them accountable. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:01 PM Flag
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I’m going to hold them accountable not only for my DD but for all of the other girls who are dealing with these girls. My DD can’t be the only one. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:19 PM Flag
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Oh no. Please don’t talk like this. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:33 AM Flag
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And look for another school... [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:26 PM Flag
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We are. She can't escape these girls anywhere. Its a small school and there just aren't enough girls for her to go elsewhere to find friends. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:30 PM Flag
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Go public. Small schools suck for quirky shy [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:42 PM Flag
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It’s been awful. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:50 PM Flag
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Is this a private school? With publics at least there is a documented procedure they are supposed to follow. With private schools it is hit or miss in policies, teacher training, etc. For kids who are different, small schools can be a disaster. GL [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 03:31 AM Flag
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9 is little old for a lisp; get her in therapy and work with her at home. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 08:30 AM Flag
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What are they doing to her? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:29 PM Flag
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give her mean nicknames, make fun of her, tell her that she isn't invited places, tell her that they are the popular girls, laugh and refuse to tell her what the joke is because its an "inside joke," pretend to befriend her in order to get her to stay stuff that they use against her later. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:35 PM Flag
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Kid stuff. Teach her how to behave in these situations. No one can help her but you and her. Focus [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:02 PM Flag
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This is flat out untrue. It is clear you have zero experience with social emotional curricula and best practices for counseling and the kind of work counselors do when they go in to a classroom to work on the curricula with all of the students. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 04:40 AM Flag
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and what is untrue is the "no one can help her but you and her" - that is the part that is flat out untrue. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 04:41 AM Flag
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This is not normal. You’re kids are probably terrifying [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:04 PM Flag
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This is not normal. You’re kids are probably terrifying [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:04 PM Flag
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Dear lord [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:19 PM Flag
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You have written about this before, why don't you teach her confidence and coping mechanisms? You are probably making the poor girl crazy [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 07:40 PM Flag
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I'm making her crazy? Not the girls who taunt her, follow her, hold her down, FaceTime her iPad to laugh at her and then hang up, tell her they are the popular kids, give her mean nicknames? I AM trying to teach her confidence and coping mechanisms. We role play, we talk about ignoring them, I tell her I'm so proud of how she's handling things. But I also dry her tears when they make fun of her and tell her she wasn't invited somewhere. Hug her after they prank call her (on FaceTime), tell her that I think she's beautiful and perfect just the way she is. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 08:34 PM Flag
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Who gave her the means to be bullied at home at age 9? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:03 PM Flag
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She doesn’t have a phone. They were FaceTiming an iPad. It happened several times in one day. Since then we have discussed ignoring the calls or blocking them. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:03 PM Flag
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Who said anything about a phone? You opened the door... shut it [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:21 PM Flag
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I did. That day. What am i missing here? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:12 PM Flag
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I think you need a different school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:26 PM Flag
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DH and I have already been discussing that. We can pull her out of private and go to the public. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:30 PM Flag
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I think you should. It’s so much better socially. If you are going to do it jump soon [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:43 PM Flag
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Pretty positive it’s happening next year. Just deciding if we pull her now or finish the year. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:50 PM Flag
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Now [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:34 AM Flag
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If it's that bad do it now, why wait?? First you make it sound like hell then you want to keep her in that hell for another year??? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:20 AM Flag
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You should pull her now because most schools really make an effort to bring kids in to the fold socially when they transfer mid year. If she goes next august it is easier to get lost in the shuffle with the new year. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 03:33 AM Flag
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You need to switch school ASAP. Don't let your DD suffer for another entire school year. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 02:42 PM Flag
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I’m saying this nicely - you can’t teach her to ignore if you aren’t. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:04 PM Flag
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I’m not going to ignore my daughter’s hurt feelings and heartache. I have no problem ignoring the other girls but I’m not the one they taunt at school. We have totally cut off contact outside of school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:04 PM Flag
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That will surely help. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:21 PM Flag
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NP No this is outlier bullying in this day and age. You should insist on a new placement if they can't keep her safe at school. Minimizing her feelings is not the answer. I'm sorry. It was bad enough but anything physical is over the line. The school has an anti-bullying policy and you need to find out how they are following it. Make sure your husband or father or some other man is there to have your back, because sadly it still matters to some administrators. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:15 PM Flag
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Troll bait [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 09:37 PM Flag
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what no? Worse thing OP can do is go to the meeting with the administration alone. She needs someone with her, best if it is the other parent. Unfortunately there is still some bias in education and sports that if a dad bothers to take time off work to come, it carries more weight. Very stupid but still there with some administrators and coaches. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:04 PM Flag
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No, she's right, sadly. People unconsciously are more afraid of fathers. I worked in public school office and we were more afraid of fathers. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 05:53 PM Flag
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I was picked on a little bit as a kid; I was excluded a little bit more; and I also joined in talking trash about other kids though not to their face. DC got picked on and bullied in school. Depending on the person, if it goes on a long time it can affect social confidence and self image for a long time because these are formative years. She's being picked on because she is seen as being different and weird and socially a little clueless in this setting. Parents can't really teach their kids to fit in. Maybe you could help an adult fit in but kids have their own social standards that adults don't even understand or know about. If you are in a NYC private, they probably have people smart enough and trained enough to handle this. But in a NYC private, the parents of the mean girls may be too influential for the school to support your daughter. I would try more aggressively although politely to get them to intervene. If they can't or won't intervene effectively, you should move her. It's possible next year will be different. But it's possible it won't. If they can't help her, you need to move her. Is your kid much smarter than the other girls who are bullying her? [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 05:52 PM Flag
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I'm so sorry you and your DD have to deal with this. Tell the administrators at school exactly what is going on and (maybe) talk to the Queen Bee's parents if they are reasonable people. As a previous poster suggested, try to find her an activity outside of school where she can meet nice kids who share her interests. Find her some role models to read about (RBG, Ada Lovelace) who were nerdy girls that changed the world when they grew up. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 10:51 PM Flag
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Thank you. And i love the idea of reading about people like RBG. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 11:11 PM Flag
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Nyc publics have a zero tolerance of bullying. My dd experienced very mild bullying. I said something to an adult in afterschool. Next day I got an email from parents. That child wrote an apology to my child. It was done with. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 01:08 AM Flag
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So this. As usual, the people on here are NUTS suggesting OP is at fault and giving bad advice. If the school does nothing, I would contact the parents directly. PERIOD. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:45 PM Flag
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Passive aggressive solutions take you only so far. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself instead of hiding. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 12:47 PM Flag
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Go to the principal--if s/he won't do anything, take it to the district superintendent. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 07:21 PM Flag
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Has she started speech therapy? Even if she switches schools, kids might make fun of her/be mean to her because of it. If she works with a speech therapist and eliminates the lisp, it will help her get a fresh start (even if she stays at the same school). BTW, I'm not minimizing what's happening to this poor child..but I figure everyone else has already given advice on taking action with the school. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 02:17 AM Flag
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instead of because of "it"...I meant to write "because of the lisp" [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 02:18 AM Flag
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Do you know the parents? I have a friend whose daughter behaves like this. I know from a mutual friend and while she acts like a teenager, I wouldn’t have expected her to be a bully. She was mortified when she heard about her daughters behavior. I know there are some parents that perpetuate this behavior but I would try addressing it with the mom. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 04:07 PM Flag
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If being in a another class does't work, change schools. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 05:39 PM Flag
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You are not going to like my response, but here is the truth, learned the hard way in a different country as a kid, and learned in this country, as a parent of 3 kids. While involving adults is a good step, it's won't make these girls include your daughter. At the most, they will stop the bullying in an open manner and resort to talking behind her back. If she is attacked physically, you need to teach her how to punch back-it takes one strong punch to the nose of the bully for the rest of the crew to run off very quickly. Teach her that she is never to start first, but if someone decides that it's OK to assault her physically, no amount of pleading or reasoning helps. She needs to know that she has your permission to protect herself and you will deal with the school administration later and when you do, tell them that your kid would never start first, but she was given no choice and had to defend herself. If she is attacked verbally, ignoring rarely works because these girls will just keep on pressing till they find her soft spot. Teach her how to respond in a manner that will shut them up for good. Here is a real life example. My sweet son who would never start first had a nasty girl in his 5th grade. She was overweight and he was very skinny. He would never make fun of anyone's appearance just to bully them. When this girl said to him before the winter vacation "I hope you gain some weight during the holidays", without skipping a beat, he replied "And I hope you lose some weight over the holidays". Guess what, she never touched him again. You also need to work on building up your daughter. Have you had difficult situations at school or work? Tell her about it. Don't tell her "Oh, honey, you are beautiful."-kids see through it, and she will tell you that you are seeing her through mommy's eyes. Instead, tell her that at this age, kids are cruel and rarely see past the exterior. Tell her that the fake values of what one is wearing remain fake values for these kids most of their lives and that many of them won't accomplish much. Give her examples of famous people who looked weird and were considered odd and then went on to become amazing. Get her involved in life outside the school. She will find her crowd later on in life. For now, though, she needs to be able to defend herself and you need to defend her as well. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 05:41 PM Flag
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Ugh, heart goes out to you and DD. This happened to my DD in sixth grade. I don't really have any advice - it sucked the whole time. The one thing about my DD is that she was tenacious. She cried her heart out when it was going down, but she returned, undaunted, to school the next year and made a great group of friends. If anything, the queen bee and her ilk appear to have regretted the move as DD is both a great student and very popular. She bears no malice towards them. If anything, she just doesn't understand why they did it. I did reach out to one of the moms while it was going down. She was nice to some extent, but there was a mix of pity and condescension in her advice to me. Now she also seems to have some regrets. I strive to be gracious, but there are some days when I just want to ask, "why couldn't you have been like this when your DD was so mean to mine?" But whatever. The band plays on. [ Reply | More ]
General Topics 09.10.19, 08:30 PM Flag
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