UrbanBaby

09.09.19, 16:53 PM General Topics
30 replies

WWYD? DS 18, college freshman. He is a highly accomplished person in so many ways. But he is super modest about it to the point of under-estimating himself. Here's an example from HS. He was so distraught about the way he performed in an audition for all-state orchestra. He locked himself in his room for hours and was crying. Turned out not only did he make the all-state, he made first chair. Further, he does not even like to tell people about his accomplishments and does not want ME to tell anyone. He says, "This is not a bragfest." Today he found out about something that's a big accomplishment. I want to share the news with a friend, but I know he'd be upset if he knew I told my friend. On the one hand, I want to respect his wishes. It's his life. But on the other hand, oby any objective, rational basis, it is not bragging or unreasonable to tell a good friend (a friend who you always share the ups and downs of parenting with) about your child's accomplishment. What do you think? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 09.09.19, 04:53 PM Flag

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

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UrbanBaby Support

Poor kid puts a lot of pressure on himself. I’m like that and want to teach my kids it’s not that serious. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 04:56 PM Flag

Yes, he does. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:08 PM Flag

If he doesn't want you to tell, don't tell. You want him to be able to trust you. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 04:58 PM Flag

I think you tell your friend and tell them to keep quiet about it. Surely your friend knows your son. And your adult out of the house son doesn’t control what you share with your friend. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 04:59 PM Flag

Why is it so important for you to share this with your friend? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 04:59 PM Flag

I don't HAVE to. But don't you talk to your friends about your dc and how they are doing? This piece of news is on the level of, he was accepted to a top research program that presents at major conferences (that's not it, just an analogous situation). To NOT tell people who are most important in your life and who care about him is like intentionally keeping information from them. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:05 PM Flag

So tell. Nbd [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:07 PM Flag

I don’t really think this rises to the level of withholding information; you can just say he’s doing really well and is in a great program without getting specific. Since he’s clearly uncomfortable with you sharing, I’d keep it within the family. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:10 PM Flag

My mom is like you. She needs to go share everything we do, even when we ask her not to. It makes it all about her. Respect your son's wishes. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:10 PM Flag

OK, thanks. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:15 PM Flag

His desire for privacy for things HE does with HIS life trumps your desire to talk about his accomplishments with your friends. You not telling people isn't withholding information from them, that's you prettying it up so you don't feel badly violating his confidence. It's his life. Sorry you are frustrated that you can't brag about him but please respect his wishes lest he stops telling you things (or, more importantly, he realizes that you aren't respecting his autonomy). [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:13 PM Flag

Thanks, you're right. I just can't understand his mindset. It's not like I'm telling people confidential information or highly personal information. I would never do that. What he's doing is public information. His name will be on the website. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:17 PM Flag

He sounds like his internally motivated rather than externally motivated - this is fantastic, but it also makes the external validation (which is what you are focused on) completely meaningless to him. And if he faces so much internal pressure, perhaps the idea of layering expectations from external sources on top of that is too much to deal with. Or maybe he's just one of these kids we are raising with these rock solid self esteems (which we can't relate to since we weren't raised as they are), who legitimately don't care what other people think. Either way, he sounds like an absolutely fantastic kid. I'm proud of him! [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:21 PM Flag

OP - aw, thanks. He actually IS "an absolutely fantastic kid." I don't take credit for him. He's always been this way. It's who he is. I guess I have to quash my urge to tell my good friends. Never mind post on social media. THAT is something he would NEVER, EVER want me to do. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:25 PM Flag

+1, and I’d add that it’s possible knowing this information is out to everyone you know would make him even more anxious about performing well. He seems really stressed out. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:17 PM Flag

op - thanks for your input. Yes, he is really stressed out. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:26 PM Flag

Don't tell but see if he needs some therapy. He's got anxiety. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:14 PM Flag

OP - you are right. He does have anxiety. How did you connect this behavior to anxiety? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:19 PM Flag

Crying, over wrought about perceived "failure". Hard on himself. Perfection struggles. He sounds incredibly gifted and talented but kids like that are hard on themselves. Competition in the music field is very harsh (we are involved in the music industry). Make sure he has an outlet (not you!) to talk about this. You're too close and he may feel like a failure sharing his feelings to you or family. I bet he'll feel relief over this. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:23 PM Flag

op -ok, yeah. You are right. he is very hard on himself. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:27 PM Flag

My mom was also like this. I'm 43 and still resentful that she treated my life as fodder for her conversations. It is a form of narcissism to see his information as yours. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:15 PM Flag

+1000 [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:19 PM Flag

I don't see this that way. Kids should respect their parents to some degree. No one accomplishes everything in a vacuum. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:26 PM Flag

I love your DS and find his humility super encouraging, particularly in this day and age (and country, frankly) where bragging and advertising your wonderfulness is such common practice. And disgusting, if you ask me. Now, the fact that he is so hard on himself might be another issue. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:15 PM Flag

op - lol. TY. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:20 PM Flag

Does he still live at home? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:48 PM Flag

No. He's away at college. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 05:54 PM Flag

where? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 06:16 PM Flag

so funny -- of course you turn her post into what-college-did-he-get-into. This board is so tragic [ Reply | More

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General Topics 09.09.19, 06:36 PM Flag

Then he has no say in your conversations [ Reply | More