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09.07.19, 17:43 PM General Topics
75 replies
Stupid fight of the day with DH. I asked if I could take 7yo DC to lunch today (and he could stay with 6yo or take her out) to have 1-on-1 time. He said okay, but only if lunch is $10 or less per person. Fine. He asked where I was thinking of going and I said I don’t know yet. Later DC told him we had discussed possibly going for sushi, and DH went ballistic, saying that I lied by omission by not telling him I was considering that. Ugh. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 09.07.19, 05:43 PM Flag
 

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emotional abuse. Get out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:46 PM Flag
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100%. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:49 PM Flag
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Op: he’s making me crazy...feel trapped by all his rules. He wants to grill out tonight but only if all of us accompany him at the grill the whole time, because in his words, “I’m not doing it just to cook for you guys.” [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:54 PM Flag
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Leave now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:57 PM Flag
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np-THIS. Take it from me. I just filed for divorce, long term marriage. IT ONLY GETS WORSE, I should have gotten out a long time ago. I am now but i wasted so much time. PEOPLE DON"T CHANGE just remember that [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:04 PM Flag
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Op: how old are your kids? I would need to take them out of their schools I think, which is hard since we have moved them around a lot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:07 PM Flag
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I have one left in HS and two in college. BUT, kids are resilient, they always adjust. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:09 PM Flag
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Op: how is DH taking it? Is he being spiteful? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:13 PM Flag
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he isn't happy, but he did some really really bad things. He never thought I would serve him. He was shocked, even though no one and I mean no one would stay around and live with him [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:15 PM Flag
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Op: I totally get it. I hope he cooperates with you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:21 PM Flag
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Demand he sit with you when you cook. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:08 PM Flag
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That is a conversation I would have with my kid: [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:46 PM Flag
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Op: I do feel like a teenager sometimes- on a tight leash! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:56 PM Flag
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NP: that would be an intolerable life for me. We’ve never treated each other like this in 30 years of marriage. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:58 PM Flag
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Same here. I do this with my son because he is 12 and does not know the value of money. My dh would never and he is frugal and I was a sahm for years/ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:56 PM Flag
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"Taking myself out for a couple glasses of wine, I'll be back when you calm the fuck down, princess." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:47 PM Flag
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this [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:49 PM Flag
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100% this. Frankly, I would have looked at him like he'd lost his mind when he gave me a $10/pp cap on the food. WTF? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 05:52 PM Flag
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Obviously this isn't a one-off behavior. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:09 PM Flag
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Op: no it’s not. Ongoing issues [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:21 PM Flag
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Are you having financial problems? Is the why he is setting a budget for lunch? He sounds very anxious and it comes out as trying to control everything (which understandably feels oppressive to you). Couples therapy can help break this kind of pattern. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:09 PM Flag
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np-ITD, this isn't about the money or the food on the grill, this is about control. Her dh is extremely controlling, and this won't end well is my prediction. These things usually escalate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:11 PM Flag
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I literally wrote that anxiety "comes out as having to control everything." You obviously don't have a grasp on the symptoms of mental health diagnosis. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:16 PM Flag
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Op: no financial problems but def very anxious. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:12 PM Flag
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np-has he always been like this? could he be cheating, doing other things behind your back? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:14 PM Flag
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Op: he’s always been somewhat controlling but I thought it was OCD; for example he would text me when I was coming home from a work trip, “please wash hand upon entry.” [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:17 PM Flag
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Hands [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:17 PM Flag
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ugh [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:21 PM Flag
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He treats you like a child. You have a parent/child relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:56 PM Flag
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omg Is he also Suitcase Husband? You have to get OUT. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 07:11 PM Flag
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Op: I don’t think he’s cheating but I guess it’s possible. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:24 PM Flag
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Why would you care anyway? I would let an OW have him if I were you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 11:04 PM Flag
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Accompany him at the grill?? He sounds like he has mental problems, seriously. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:11 PM Flag
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Op: I wonder sometimes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:14 PM Flag
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from the little you told us, it seems so [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:17 PM Flag
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you wonder?! Seriously. Clearly he does. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:30 PM Flag
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Op: what kind do you think? OCD or something else? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:32 PM Flag
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He's got a terminal case of ControllingAsshole-Itis [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:48 PM Flag
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Lol. Sometimes that is the dx [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:26 PM Flag
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Set your alarm for 3am. Wake up and start screaming bloody murder at him about things he's done (or hell, even things he hasn't done). The next morning cook breakfast with a big smile on and pretend nothing happened. Do this every time he thinks tantrums are OK. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:21 PM Flag
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Op: lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:22 PM Flag
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W. T. F. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:41 PM Flag
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Did you also post about your dh getting mad because he thought you overtipped at the barber $1-2? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:44 PM Flag
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np: Or tearing up the doctor bill so he wouldn't see an overcharge? Or are there just a lot of these guys around? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:48 PM Flag
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There was also the woman who was terrified her DH would discover she’d opened a credit card account in her name, and the DH who lost his mind over furniture. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:51 PM Flag
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Don't forget the guy who had kittens because of a small christmas tree AND the dh who flipped out about chocolate. I want to open my home to these women. This is no way to live. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:11 PM Flag
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Op: my DH was the chocolate, credit card, and barber. I know, it’s bad. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:12 PM Flag
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jfc. Divorce or stop complaining. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:16 PM Flag
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I know this is a "tough love" response and I wonder, OP: Does this help? Or could you use our help in another way? Maybe another woman here has felt the way you have about leaving (fear) and she can talk you through the steps? I think local women's shelter can provide you with legal aid and financial/emotional assistance to leave an abusive relationship. Yes, you are in an abusive Relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:57 PM Flag
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PP is nice. I have posted before about my relationship with an abusive boyfriend. He “flew off the handle” over stupid stuff all the time. Once, he started throwing stuff at me after accusing me of being too messy because I left a printout in the printer tray, ironic because the printer sat on a desk full of empty coke cans and overflowing ashtrays that he had left there. Yes, this is abuse. It is very hard to see it, when you are in it. Please talk to someone ( like a therapist, maybe a support group ? ) and begin to make a plan. It will be very hard in the short term but a million times better in the long term. Please. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 08:30 PM Flag
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NP (1) Read Too Good to Leave Too Bad To Stay. UB recommended to me. (2) FWIW UB is TOO QUICK to suggest divorce so much easier to tell someone else what to do versus DIY. Realize that there are two sides to every coin. (3) Read Loving your spouse when you feel like walking away, by the same author as 5 love languages. I'm not Christian. I appreciated the template letters. (4) Deploy Medium Chill, 180, etc. get busy. Get out of the house. Reduce communication with DH and when you do communicate keep it calm. (5) Brene Brown. HTH [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 09:35 PM Flag
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There is nothing that is too good to stay about OP's situation. She needs to find a therapist who treats abused spouses. She needs a lawyer and a plan. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 12:13 AM Flag
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You're a fly on her wall? #3 has a few chapters that relate to OP. Not everyone is a knee jerk #2. She keeps posting here so she's not #2. "Can drag a horse to water but can't force that horse to drink." Accept who is posting (not you, not your life) and answer her questions accordingly. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 02:51 AM Flag
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Did you read the threads that she started about all the other incidents? There is nothing too good to stay about her situation. It is no way to live. OP, I hope you can get help. This is abuse. You are entitled to so much more than abuse. Your kids deserve better too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 07:09 PM Flag
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This! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:57 PM Flag
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NP. I missed it...what were these other examples? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 09:31 PM Flag
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Make a plan. Please. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 12:13 AM Flag
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Wasn't there also one who flipped about leaving the light over the stove on? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 04:13 PM Flag
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This is totally fucked up and not normal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:44 PM Flag
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This isn't a stupid fight. You are married to a controlling freak. GET OUT. CHANGE SCHOOLS. NONE OF IT MATTERS. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 06:47 PM Flag
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I feel bad for your kid tbh. He sees his mother being abused. Yes, it is abuse. He's going to hate both of you soon. GL. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:00 PM Flag
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Yeah, after reading that OP has been complaining about this guy's insanity for a while now I no longer feel bad for her. Too bad she's wrecking her DC's life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:17 PM Flag
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Stfu victim abuser [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 11:21 PM Flag
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I'm not a victim abuser. I'm a woman who was abused by her father and then was in an abusive marriage. I left. So fuck off. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 05:49 PM Flag
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Was he like this before marriage? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:05 PM Flag
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You sure he doesn't have a brain tumor? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:07 PM Flag
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Actions like these are hallmarks of “Power and Control” aspects of domestic abuse. Please call the national domestic abuse hotline 1 800 799 7233. Many women call and ask “ Is this abuse?” They can help you get a clearer understanding that what he is subjecting you to is off the charts not normal and not ok. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 08:44 PM Flag
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FAKE [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 10:21 PM Flag
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Why would this be fake? There’s clearly a lot of women on UB with controlling DHs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 10:50 PM Flag
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NP: which is sort of comical or depressing (depending how you look at it) since the same women are probably scooping out dating advice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 04:54 PM Flag
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You need to shut up. It's real. You're probably the asshole in your relationship which is why you can't relate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 09:56 PM Flag
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This sounds like an exhausting way to live. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 06:06 PM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 11.13.19, 08:40 PM Flag
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I read through this entire string and my one advice to you is start preparing yourself for financial independence. If you don't work out of home, start planning it. If you need to do things to bolster your knowledge on anything that tethered to this man start doing it: financial state, accounts, investments, housing, everything. My ex DH is controlling, a narcissist, demeaned me (and after 15 years, I believed everything he said, meanwhile I accomplished more than him), nice one day, downright bully the next. I've spent years in therapy working on myself when all along it was him who was messing with me. I finally divorced him and it is THE best thing I ever did. Believe yourself. You aren't the crazy one. He is. He will NEVER change. Even after divorce, he will continue to be like this. Oh, he'll have a period of time where he's "normal" but he will regress and it goes up a notch. Mine physically assaulted me. And, no, domestic violence doesn't discriminate. We live a very nice lifestyle. Do you and your DCs a favor and leave him behind. Good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 10:04 PM Flag
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This is excellent and compassionate advice, pay close attention. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.08.19, 11:34 PM Flag
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