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09.06.19, 01:38 AM General Topics
46 replies
DD has short hair and a lot of people think she is a boy. She is v athletic and wears boyish clothes. She is afraid to go into the girls bathroom because she says people stare at her and wonder why a boy is in the bathroom. There are no gender-neutral bathrooms in the school. She currently holds it all day, esp because she is in a new school. I said she should put a giant hair clip in her hair and go in. Or a hairband. How do you think she should solve this problem? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 09.06.19, 01:38 AM Flag
 

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How old is she? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:39 AM Flag
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11. Just started 6th grade and is afraid of the older kids in middle school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:40 AM Flag
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Is it that she feels in danger from the other kids? Sometimes there is a bizarre spike in rigidly enforced gender norms from other kids that can get really aggressive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:16 AM Flag
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Oh this is interesting. That they need control at this difficult and awkward time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 02:46 AM Flag
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Tell her to own it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:40 AM Flag
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I do tell her that and she owns it in the sense that she will not change - no earrings, no girly clothes. But she is still afraid and hates being stared at, so she doesn't go (well, hasn't on day 1 and doesn't plan on it tomorrow or ever at this point) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:42 AM Flag
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Yeah, but don’t tell her to put a bow in her hair because you’re just basically saying that you have to fake it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:44 AM Flag
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That's true... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:45 AM Flag
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NP she can always go to the office and go to the bathroom there in the nurse's office. I would tell her that if she really needs to go, she should go to the office and say she feels really sick and wants to use that bathroom. This kind of thing happens a lot (wanting to use the private bathroom). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:45 AM Flag
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GREAT idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:47 AM Flag
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So she shouldn’t fake it by putting on a hair clip, but it’s ok to pretend to be sick to cope? That’s not a good path to head down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:30 PM Flag
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You must be really proud of her. It takes a strong backbone to march to your own drummer in middle school. Love her! S [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:49 AM Flag
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(oops don't know where the S came from) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:50 AM Flag
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I am SO proud of her and all grown-ups love her for who she is. It is just that she has to go through all of this to get to the other side. And she actually knows that she is awesome and unique but, still, other kids aren't there yet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:52 AM Flag
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How old is she? does she identify as a girl? DO you have any reason to think she might not? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:40 AM Flag
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She identifies as a girl. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:42 AM Flag
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We have discussed and are open to any way she identifies, and she has said she identifies as a girl. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:43 AM Flag
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I think you are probably only getting part of the story here, but she may not be comfortable telling you more. I would not push her for more but I think you should probably get someone for her to talk to. Does your school have a GLBT+friends type of club? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:44 AM Flag
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Yes, they do. She thinks she is currently the only kid in the entire school like her. I will steer her towards that group. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:45 AM Flag
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My ds found that group to be very welcoming, with a great faculty sponsor, and he is not gay. She needs to find friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:46 AM Flag
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Thank you, I will look into it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:48 AM Flag
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my dd was not girly at all in 6th grade - this is really typical in fact. she did join her middle school LGBTQ group and liked it. now, cut to high school and oh boy, different story - completely different story. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 01:03 AM Flag
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continued -all very girly clothes and lots of selfies! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 01:04 AM Flag
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WOW. Ok, let's see what happens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 02:37 AM Flag
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so I would just stress to her that she should continue to use the girls room - (1) as time passes, more people at the new school will know she is a girl who identifies as a girl -- e.g., lean into the awkward - it gets less awkward as time goes on, (2) gender neutral bathrooms are a relatively new thing, but girls who dress in more boyish clothes actually isn't a new thing and have been using the girls room for years, and (3) holding it all day could be very unhealthy. good luck to her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:49 AM Flag
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Thank you so much. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:50 AM Flag
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Agree with this. As she makes friends she can ask another girl to go with her to the bathroom. She can also ask a teacher during class when it is unlikely other kids will be in the bathroom. The teachers KNOW that the passing periods are ridiculously short. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:51 AM Flag
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Really nice advice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:54 AM Flag
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What state/city are you in? My DD’s middle school is extremely supportive of all identities. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 02:26 AM Flag
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Bk, NYC. I think the school is VERY supportive, just need to find the right people. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 02:28 AM Flag
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She needs to just go to the bathroom. People know her name and know her gender. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 02:49 AM Flag
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My 10 year old is exactly the same. Completely identifies as a girl, but has short hair, wears blue and never wears jewelry. She gets mistaken for a boy all the time and even has people tell her that she's in the wrong bathroom. The difference is that she just doesn't give a crap. She actually gets a kick out of correcting people who confront her. Tell your daughter to be proud of herself for marching to the beat of her own drum and that it's other people who are idiots and not her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:00 AM Flag
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Good for her, but seriously: after a few days of school, how can anybody not know that "Sarah Smith is a girl with short hair"? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:22 PM Flag
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then tell her to grow her hair out.. she sounds selfish for attention [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 11:21 AM Flag
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NP. No, not this. She sounds fine. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:16 PM Flag
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I call BS on this one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 02:41 AM Flag
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Get her ears pierced and let her wear pretty stud earrings. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:38 PM Flag
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Good idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:35 PM Flag
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If she goes to school with kids who know her so little that they don't even know her gender, that's something to think about. I suspect she may like drama. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:47 PM Flag
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Transitions to new schools are hard. She may just have to ride it out. I hated bathrooms in new schools, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:17 PM Flag
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The person 2 cubicles over is a thin woman with a short, rather boyish haircut, and she's wearing a black jumpsuit, sneakers and no makeup. Nobody thinks she's a boy, and I'm still very unclear why the DD's short hair and athletic clothes are creating such an issue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:57 PM Flag
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This woman probably has breasts? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 02:38 AM Flag
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No, she's very thin, but we don't even need to get to that point. How can you not know the gender of a classmate or office mate? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 12:10 PM Flag
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she needs a bit of help with what seems like anxiety. just boost her up and tell her to use the girls' room. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 01:05 AM Flag
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Agree, she has anxiety. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 02:40 AM Flag
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From my own personal experience with DD, I wonder if it's not a "Queen Bee" situation. There was this awful kid in 3rd grade who would basically set the rules on how her group should dress, and they would go after any other kid as it suited them that day. (And the teacher was no use: her answer was basically "well, why DOESN'T Lauren dress more like Jennifer?") There may be something going on here besides a haircut. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 12:30 PM Flag
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