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09.05.19, 22:10 PM General Topics
73 replies
We have recently moved into a house owned by my in-laws. They live in a separate "apartment" in the same house (their own kitchen, entrance, etc). We like living there and us paying rent helps the in-laws because they don't have much cash and don't want to sell the house / move. We are the only ones who can rent from them because the house is not sufficiently separated. My issue is that they both are constantly calling out to me and coming up or through or whatever. Urgggggg. How to kindly let them know that I need expectation of privacy? I feel like I'm on constant alert. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 09.05.19, 10:10 PM Flag
 

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Have DH speak to them [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:12 PM Flag
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This. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:25 PM Flag
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OP: dh tends to take their side vs mine [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:32 PM Flag
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ooof. All the more reason not to move into their home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:35 PM Flag
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Np seconding [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:42 PM Flag
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x1000 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 10:28 AM Flag
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this [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 11:00 PM Flag
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Need to make him understand [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:32 PM Flag
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Only solution [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:32 PM Flag
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Start walking around naked. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:19 PM Flag
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FIL will never leave. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:25 PM Flag
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You both should be nudist then [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:30 PM Flag
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I predict six months of misery followed by a move. It's nice of you to try this out to help them keep their house, but it would take a family with extraordinary boundaries to pull it off. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:19 PM Flag
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She said that she likes living there. They have one issue. It can be talked about and fixed. You want to make a mountain out of something that may well work out -- op certainly sounds like a reasonable person [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:27 PM Flag
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OP: any ideas of how to put it to them? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:28 PM Flag
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It has to come from your dh and it has to be gentle. He has to tell them that they need to allow you your privacy and perhaps have them text you with questions and if they need to come up for any reason, to text you first. if there is no answer then y ou are busy -- i would think something along these lines. that would not insult them -- make it about separate households [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:32 PM Flag
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OP: yup, I keep thinking "you could have just texted me with that" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:34 PM Flag
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They are old. They don't know. If you tell them gently, it will be ok. and if it isn't, than you can stay a year and move. Say something now as the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to correct. "We are so happy to live with you and are excited for extra time. But we are used to a little more privacy so can you text me if you have any questions and __________________for when you do_________________." Not sure what the issues are but put specific examples. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:03 PM Flag
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Yes, she does, but I am more pessimistic about whether an elderly couple who feel like OP is living in THEIR house will comply. They will likely find it needlessly formal not to be able to pop in when they know the kids are home. I know my parents couldn't have managed it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:28 PM Flag
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OP: I don't even mind if MIL pops up when her son is home, it's the constant "Daaaisyyyy, are you up there?" during the day that's a problem. I don't really want to socialize. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:31 PM Flag
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OP: I'm starting to get the feeling that you're right. Plus FIL keeps coming up and closing the blinds because the sunlight "damages the wood". Sigh. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:27 PM Flag
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Np leave [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:43 PM Flag
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No way. Poor boundaries. DH needs to stop it all right now. How dare FIL come into your home to do that! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:33 AM Flag
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It's her home, but it's FIL's house. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:37 AM Flag
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Yeah but separate apartments [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 02:49 AM Flag
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Is the rent quite cheap for you? Are you saving money? This is the payment. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:35 PM Flag
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This. It sort of is what it is, OP. And if this is your worst complaint, you are probably pretty lucky. No one's sick, you aren't changing anyone's diapers or helping them bathe. Your experience is probably the best available under the circumstances. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:40 PM Flag
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I think this is the setting of a bunch of a 80s sitcoms. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:54 PM Flag
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They sound like the Ropers! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 10:57 PM Flag
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no everyone loves Raymond mom [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:04 PM Flag
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Just what I thought. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:37 PM Flag
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. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 11:00 PM Flag
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Too Close for Comfort with Ted Knight! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:10 PM Flag
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I thought of these and also Who's the Boss? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:52 AM Flag
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Dh needs to say - we love living with you. We're happy to rent the place. And we're happy to see you often. However, we need a lot of privacy - as if this were a *seperate* house of our own. As if we were living two houses down from you rather than the same house. As if we were renting from strangers. As if we were renting from a formal landlord who doesn't drop in announced, or try to socialize during the day/night when we might be busy or doing private things. If you need to contact us please text first, as though we were living two houses down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:21 PM Flag
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They should sign the house over to you, and then they can pay you rent instead. It would give you more security. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:38 PM Flag
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And them none. Many seniors have lost their homes with this move. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:58 PM Flag
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Well, the seniors aren't the ones asking my advice. I would tell them to sell the house and buy a condo they can afford to pay for in full. Silly to keep a big, valuable house they can't afford. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:01 AM Flag
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OP: this is what everyone wants them to do and what they should be doing but super attached to the house, especially FIL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:07 AM Flag
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They'll have to do it eventually, and it'll only get more challenging as their mobility worsens. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:37 AM Flag
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OP: ITA - they are powering through as it is with FIL having major mobility issues - he can barely get up and down stairs and there are a LOT of stairs in this house. But the attachment to the house is more powerful than any health considerations. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:15 AM Flag
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What if you framed it as "you raised your happy family here, and now it's time to let another family have that experience." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 02:30 AM Flag
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We recently started negotiating something similar. There needs to be calear conversation, ideally by your dh, about expectations. Without it people will become resentful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:49 PM Flag
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OP: Interesting. What do you think they would resent? Not having enough social interaction from my side? My FIL is totally fine, it's more the MIL. She's a big extrovert and is always looking to socialize. She does plenty outside of us btw but she still needs more. It's a bottomless pit. She's lovely but I'm an introvert so that makes it very challenging. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:00 AM Flag
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Yes, those things can be tough. Start with the idea that it is your house. Ask to to image that it is really your space where they need to knock and respect. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:55 AM Flag
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Lilly? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:02 PM Flag
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"I would rather live on a toadstool and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:56 PM Flag
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What's that from? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:01 PM Flag
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Either Emerson or Thoreau. I can't keep their quotes apart in my head. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 07:19 PM Flag
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Ignore them. Tell them you are listening to podcasts with headphones. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:01 AM Flag
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OP: LOL, pretty close to what I'm doing right now [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:06 AM Flag
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What are your ages and theirs? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:35 AM Flag
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they are early-mid 80s [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:17 AM Flag
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Get locks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 02:48 AM Flag
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Can you literally just lock them out? Lock doors, etc? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:49 AM Flag
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This! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 12:56 AM Flag
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No, there are stairs but no door between the two spaces (they have doors they can close on their floor) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:13 AM Flag
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maybe you could get a baby gate [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:55 AM Flag
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Electrified. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:38 AM Flag
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lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 10:30 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 11:00 PM Flag
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Hah. Literally lol. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 01:38 PM Flag
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We did this, except it was in a house we bought with my parents so that we could share expenses and help them out. It was very difficult. I had a very hard time with the lack of boundaries. Initially, they had a door to their apartment off our mudroom, but we didn't have a door. My dh had to install a door. Then, a year later after no results from multiple "boundary" conversations, he had to install a lock. We did it for eight years and I was stressed and resentful every single day. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:24 AM Flag
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OP: hmmm, oh boy! How did this lack of boundaries manifest itself? My MIL literally comes up to tell me she's eating a peach. Or that the weather is changing. Or that she's going out now. Or that now she's back. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 04:36 AM Flag
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Didn't Archie Bunker have a set up like this with his DD, Gloria, and her DH, Meathead? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:26 AM Flag
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OP, put one of these on "your side" of the stairs. No matter how ugly, just buy one at target and put that thing up. https://www.target.com/p/5-1-2-ft-tall-classic-venetian-room-divder-4-panel-oriental-furniture/-/A-17302435?preselect=17257164#lnk=sametab [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:26 AM Flag
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Do you have kids? If so it is incredibly nice for them. We lived in same building as my parents for 12 years and it had some issues but was amazing for the relationship with kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 10:39 AM Flag
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BTDT. I agree that while great for the kids, as the replies show disastrous for the marriage -- and that isn't great for the kids! We live next door to my inlaws and that's too much like Everybody Loves Raymond. Without the humor, and commercial breaks :P There is no win here since her DH is the third wheel on the in laws instead of a team with his wife. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 03:01 PM Flag
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You knew what you were getting yourself into. You will have to grin and bear it until something changes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 04:45 PM Flag
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Wear noise cancelling headphones and lock doors. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.06.19, 08:11 PM Flag
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Your DH needs to mention the idea that you giys are thinking of getting your own place. Explain that you love being so close, but you want the boundaries that having your own home has, like a door you can close, and no surprise visists. Your MIL will try and talk him out of it and he can say, wellmaybe we could add a door, decide on some boundaries, so we are less like roommates and more like next door neighbors. Let MIL think of how it could work. Have DH say you ll try it out until xmas, and see if its working. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 12:25 AM Flag
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honestly, you guys hold the cards because they cant afford the house if you go, so let them try to change to make it work. it wont be perfect, but you can improve it. #1 you need a door you can lock. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.07.19, 12:26 AM Flag
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OP: love the next door neighbors vs roommates. that's exactly right! and not too offensive. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.11.19, 02:21 AM Flag
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