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09.05.19, 12:48 PM General Topics
33 replies
DH is a bona fide slob. Laundry graces the living room and front entrance to our house. newspapers pile up unless I move them to recycling. Cleaning up after dinner means putting most of the dishes in the sink, some stay on the counter. Bathroom towels and hand towels are thrown on the floor once used. Now my DC are becoming slobs, because DH thinks I'm uptight and controlling and want everything 110%, 24/7. I just want to use a kitchen where garbage is throw in the trash, and not on the floor. We had our 7,000 fight about it today. I can't change him. And I can't change my resentment that if I want to not live in a home that resembles a frat house, I have to do all the picking up. Help! [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 09.05.19, 12:48 PM Flag
 

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Full time cleaning lady. You are not responsible for his mess. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:55 PM Flag
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This. If he won't live like a human being, you have to outsource the cleaning. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:20 PM Flag
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i agree here. that sucks, but probably necessary. i posted a somewhat similar post a few months back, trying to figure out whats falls within "role" of a P/T SAHM and what falls within roles of all other family members. one pp said something to the effect of handling laundry, dry cleaning, etc, but towels on floor, clothes, all over bedroom, and dishes in sink are not my "role" but the responsibility of the user. DH does think I am a little uptight with him and with kids, but i just blow him off and keep on yelling. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:27 PM Flag
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Correct, picking up after yourself is the responsibility of each person, however many women do end up picking up after everyone to satisfy their desire to not live in a dumpster, as it's difficult to change already formed habits of adults and also jump through hoops teaching children when the other parent isn't on the same page. Reality is, many women end up living in messy homes as they get tired of being everyone's servants, or they are loaded enough to hire FT help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:50 PM Flag
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"living in messy homes as they get tired of being everyone's servants" -- that's me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 08:33 PM Flag
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How’s the yelling working out for you? It seems the more you yell, the less some people listen. Try looking for times he does even one thing right and rewarding him in some fashion. It’s frustrating. My dh will ask me what I’m going to do today. When I say clean up this trash pit, he looks around and asks what’s wrong with it? And it’s not that he thinks I should do it; he tells me to go do something fun. They aren’t seeing the same room. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 03:30 PM Flag
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np. And if you can't afford one? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:35 PM Flag
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NNP: even if you cannot afford, it's a conversation that will help him think twice about his behavior. If it was me, I would find a way to afford it, if it meant cutting out other things. OP is not the maid. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:40 PM Flag
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If you cannot afford one, you could end up like me - a converted slob, someone who used to be neat, but got so tired of being the only person who cares and doing all the work organizing, picking up, cleaning, etc, that I resorted to just walk over things and get used to it. I am no longer spending so much time maintaining a temporary clean condition. I did hire a weekly HK, as I cannot stand dirt, but she is of no help when it comes to mess and clutter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:52 PM Flag
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pp. I am you already, I do my best but refuse to get over-tired and cranky just trying to maintain temporary clean as you say. I just wanted to point out the how clueless that comment is, most people cannot afford a full time cleaning person. The ones who could, would not be coming to UB seeking advice. But I see a poster below has outdone this OR suggesting purchasing a second home. You have to love UB! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:58 PM Flag
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We have a cleaning lady that comes every 2 weeks. But she's not a maid. She washes floors and dusts and cleans the bathroom. I don't expect her to move clothes from floor to hamper, to pick up trash from the floor, or to wash 2 weeks of dishes. I think I just get so mad because when I raise it calmly, he tells me to ask. When I ask, he tells me he'll do it when he's ready. Three/4 days later, I lose my mind, and then I get yelled at for not asking like a normal person. It feels so manipulative. That I have to ask him to live in a way that acknowledges that other people live in the same dwelling. I'm trying to teach DC that picking up after oneself is a sign of common courtesy. DH doesn't see it that way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:40 PM Flag
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Are you me? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 08:34 PM Flag
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Wish I could help but have a similar problem. DH is pretty clean and actually is neat and clean with day to day stuff, but over the last ten years or so, he's become a hoarder and it drives me nuts. It gives me a lot of anxiety. I don't know how to approach. Don't want to be a whiner but at the same time it feels like a real problem. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:57 PM Flag
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Living with a hoarder is a problem. My exH truly was/is one. That is not the primary reason why we divorced but it was awful living with that. It's beyond clutter, it's insane thinking and a bad environment. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:59 PM Flag
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It started out innocently enough - as collectibles. He would still argue that the stuff comprises of collections but it has invaded normal living space and it now affects us all. It's not like the junk you see on Hoarders but I think it's the same underlying mental condition. It doesn't feel like a shared space anymore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:08 PM Flag
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That's not as extreme as my situation but still doesn't sound great - you need to feel at home in your own house, and it sounds like your DH is prioritizing some "need" that he's filling with collectibles over you :( I'm not a psychologist, so I'll stop there, but maybe this is something you and he could talk about/try to get to the bottom of. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:17 PM Flag
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I hired a professional organizer and she helped a lot to declutter our stuff, but when it came to DHs stuff she assigned him "homework" to go over his items I could not be responsible for and weed things out. Guess where all this stuff is? Still here 2 years later in the box. You cannot change people seems like, all you can do is either isolate yourself by giving space to messy members of your family and making sanctuary spaces for yourself - you'd have to move to a house or a sprawling apartment to do this. Or, you can learn to live with it. I resorted to a hybrid solution, allocating my master bedroom as my sanctuary from mess, nobody is allowed to mess with it, I pick up DHs stuff he throw around and shove it into his closet, but everrything is hidden and the room looks neat, I escape there, I have a desk there and a TV. The rest of the place is a mess. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:57 PM Flag
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oh dear [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:58 PM Flag
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Pick your battles. Decide what is non-negotiable and keep calmly reminding them. I am in the same boat. For me cleaning up after meals is is a must, as is no dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. For the rest try to change your mindset - keep telling yourself that you do it for you, to enjoy a clean and neat home. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:41 PM Flag
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And declutter, declutter, declutter! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:00 PM Flag
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Have you considered living separately, without separating or divorcing? You can move into a studio apartment nearby and have a clean, tranquil retreat where you can cook for the kids sometimes or help them with homework in an uncluttered environment, while setting the example of adult standards. When DH cleans up enough and changes the sheets, you can visit him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:44 PM Flag
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Her kids will feel abandoned unless she has space for them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:47 PM Flag
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If they're old enough to be slobs, she doesn't have to be concerned about their feeling abandoned. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:53 PM Flag
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Do you actually have children? Just NO. WTF [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 04:39 PM Flag
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I read about someone who did this on another mom board. But she did not leave her kids! She bought another house and lived there with her kids. Her husband ended up filling both their old house and then the house he inherited from his mom. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:48 PM Flag
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Buying and maintaining a second home isn't cheaper than hiring FT HK, seems like there must have been other problems that prompted her to do this, not just clutter. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:10 PM Flag
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yes, he was a hoarder [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:15 PM Flag
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I did this with our master bedroom, I put a desk there, so that I can work, and I have a TV there to relax at night when living room looks messy and I don't find it relaxing to sit there watching TV. We don't have cash for extra apartments or for multi-room apartments, we have a 2 bedr, but I do make sure I have my own space the way I want. Kids are not allowed there during the day, none of their stuff is there. DH's stuff is packed into his closet, I have my own closet. If any of his items clutters the bedroom, I throw it into his closet, I don't bother organizing it. It gives me sanity from the rest of the apartment that seems to be hopelessly cluttered and messy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:02 PM Flag
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+1, my bedroom is always clean and tidy, I love sitting there at night. It gives me the feeling I can control at least one part of the house. I keep the bathroom in perfect condition too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:05 PM Flag
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This seems a little extreme for the situation. Maybe start with a cleaning person. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:38 PM Flag
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The floor?? Wow. Dh and I are pretty similar but we fight about nuances. Your dh really has to grow up a bit. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 08:18 PM Flag
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Have you tried incentivizing instead of nagging? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:29 PM Flag
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I am your dh, well not that bad but I’m the sloppier of us two. First, try praise rather than criticism. Second get a cleaning lady and start asking for help “keeping it this way” from family. It was marriage saving for us. Cut somewhere else. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 11:55 PM Flag
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