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09.04.19, 18:48 PM General Topics
50 replies
Ok ladies- I hear many of you who are just sick to death of your DH for various reasons. As soon as the school year begins that's also the case with me: I resent how my life is hit like a tidal wave while his basically is business as usual. Here's my question: how do you manage having sex with these people when you're so sick of them? I just can't. Which is a problem. Thanks for your thoughts on this. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 09.04.19, 06:48 PM Flag
 

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You fix all of the other stuff. Why is your life a sudden tidal wave while his is unaffected? Why didn't you make a list of all the things that need to be bought/prepped/done/changed, and asked him which half of the list he is doing? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 06:49 PM Flag
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OP: I find your accusatory tone downright adorable. Why a sudden tidal wave? Because I'm the mom. And the teachers communicate with the mom. And the mom reaches out when conversation needs to be had. And the mom plans the activities, organizes the pickups, plans the meals, buys the food. I could spend additional time making lists until I'm blue in the face (and now that much shorter on time)- he does the best he can but just doesn't have the bandwidth for even half of that list, unfortunately. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:06 PM Flag
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You allow this to go on. In our home, and all of my friends' homes, the fathers do their share, regardless of work and other outside interests. If you want it to change, change it. If not, get down off the cross, because we need the wood. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:17 PM Flag
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OP: OP: lol. I think that's just great for you and "all of your friends"- you are all just terrific. In this house, my husband will say (and mean!) that he's doing the best he can. He will literally say that, and I truly believe hi,. But, inevitably, it's just not possible for him to do it all, so I'm left holding the bag. It's just how it is: it needs to get done. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:33 PM Flag
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Whatever. You make time to get it all done. He could, too -- and he would, if you weren't there doing it all. You just want the credit, and you don't want to let go of domestic control. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:39 PM Flag
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OP: that's me. Credit-seeking, domestic control hog. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:52 PM Flag
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At least you admit it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:02 PM Flag
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np. OP, just ignore this poster. She, or someone like her, gets on to every kind of post like this to berate the OP and blame all the problems on her controling/credithogging martyr nature. So unhelpful. You're not the only one who has this problem. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:03 PM Flag
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OP: thanks, np. I don't mind. No one can be serious when that self-congratulating. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:14 PM Flag
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. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:50 AM Flag
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+1 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 06:35 AM Flag
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Take time off from the shit work not from him. He prefers the sex to chores obviously so you should follow his lead. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:31 PM Flag
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This. He obviously has time in his schedule, if he has time for sex. If he chooses to spend his time on things other than "a tidal wave" then you should, too! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:38 PM Flag
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OP: yep, that's a good point. Take sex out of the equation and he'd have a full extra 30 minutes on his plate. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:54 PM Flag
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Which he could use to cook dinner, do the grocery shopping, or handle the emails with teachers and other parents. Tell him to pick one. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:03 PM Flag
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More like 5 minutes which is OP's real complaint. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 06:17 PM Flag
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So sexist. "I'm the mom. I have to do everything related to childcare and housework." So much for the 21st century. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 06:37 AM Flag
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+1 If you don't tell him you are overwhelmed & need him to contribute, how will he know? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:19 PM Flag
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x1000 There is no way his job is so important and time consuming that he can't do the back-to-school shopping. Give him the list the school sent, and tell him to stop at Target on his way home from work. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 06:36 AM Flag
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Why does OP have to be the one making the list in the first place? Duh [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:56 PM Flag
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I know it was the last thing that I wanted to do when all our kids were in the thick of school. I wish I had advice but I probably wouldn't do again what I did, which was to avoid him at all costs and hope he'd just go to sleep and forget about it. The marriage didn't work out great. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 06:51 PM Flag
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OP: thanks for this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 06:58 PM Flag
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If I had to do it over again I'd probably take advice of the posters below. Basically you do whatever mental tricks and make whatever arrangements you need to make, because it's that important to your partner. I didn't totally absorb that he didn't care how many other people were in the house, he wanted to have sex like we did when we didn't have kids. I didn't make the time for it and decided he would have to get used to a new normal ... did not work out for me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:04 PM Flag
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OP: thank you again. This has been my approach and we came close to it "not working out" so I'm trying but it's an honest struggle for me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:09 PM Flag
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I hope you figure something out. There's actually lots of advice out there on getting psyched up for sex. I just found it too late. GL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:31 PM Flag
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OP: there is? Interesting. So I'm not to only one who needs "psyching"! Thanks for this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:46 PM Flag
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I believe you might be looking at things backward. Sex makes the relationship better -- it isn't just something you do AFTER the relationship is improved. Try having sex daily for a week and see if you don't like your husband more. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 06:53 PM Flag
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1000+ signed-2x/day mom [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:01 PM Flag
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How? Just: "how?" [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:10 PM Flag
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This [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:00 AM Flag
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+ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:51 AM Flag
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+ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:51 AM Flag
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Lucky stiff [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:02 PM Flag
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bah duhmp bump. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 08:15 PM Flag
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OP: this is interesting, and a good point. Right now I resent him and find sex with him generally revolting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:03 PM Flag
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BTDT and didn't fix anything. Maybe if the sex is mutually satisfying? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:00 AM Flag
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THIS [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:49 PM Flag
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Mine didn’t work, but he used to at least get them from school. I called having sex “paying the babysitter”. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 06:56 PM Flag
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OP: this is helpful, actually. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:04 PM Flag
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Glad you took it in the right spirit. He is now my ex (for many reasons) but there are times you just have to put the aerobic workout on the calendar, as it were. I never feel like going; I'm always glad I did. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:29 PM Flag
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OP: HA! Another good metaphor! (note that I successfully procrastinated my way out of the aerobic workout too, incidentally) You're right. I need to adopt that attitude. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 07:55 PM Flag
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Glad to amuse! Think of me next time you "feel the burn". Ok -- don't. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 09:23 PM Flag
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haha (np). Now this will be stuck in my head forever. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 11:09 PM Flag
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IKR? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:00 AM Flag
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Lol [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 01:20 AM Flag
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LOL - oh I can relate - can I and for the most part I love my dh and even say to him that this is making me want to f*ck him less. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.04.19, 10:21 PM Flag
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Digital detox - stop emailing texting calling etc with him. Absence makes the heart fonder, ignorance is bliss, and so on. I try to limit communication to in person. If he goes into a topic that kills my libdio I practice Medium Chill, 180. Sometimes I'm gone when he's (and often the kids) are free. They get into habits to be self sufficient (like supper) and keep those habits when I return. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 12:04 AM Flag
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If ever there was a "marry in haste repent in leisure" mom moment.... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 06:38 AM Flag
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That's just it - that replier only throws out that statement when it does NOT apply! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 02:19 PM Flag
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Couple of things. First, you say DH is doing the best he can, so why are you resentful then? I get it if he was lazying around or going out with friends, but if he is genuinely doing the best he can, I think you need to re-frame your thinking and appreciate his contribution. Secondly, simplify your life. Get kids to help with lunches in the eve. Scale down on activities. Plan your meals for the whole week and shop for the needed items once a week. Not sure what age your DC are, but mine started coordinating their own playdates in 3rd grade. I have 4 DC and WOH full time, so I totally get all the work, but if you make it a goal to simplify things, you will. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 09.05.19, 03:33 PM Flag
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