UrbanBaby

07.23.08, 23:09 PM General Topics
14 replies

Going back to work imminently, DB 6 months - How do I convince DH that I cant have MIL live with us for 4-6 months in small NYC apt to watch DB? DH thinks fantastic and does not understand issues of being in control of how DB cared for (MIL would second guess my childcare desires and not do it) and privacy. And the ability to find top nannies now - not randomly in winter. Fine with MIL coming to visit whenever she wants and training nanny etc. Also, DH travels a lot for work. I would feel like prisoner in my own home. Also MIL not even going to watch DB 5x a week - just 3x a week (so she can go back home to CT) and then I would have to find someone to cover. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.23.08, 11:09 PM Flag

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

How does DH respond to your concerns? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:14 AM Flag

Sounds like a mixed blessing. As annoying as my MIL is, knowing someone I trust would be there, who loves and is competent with DS, is a hard offer to give up. I think you have to flat out tell him that you don't want to do that and want to start interviewing for nannies. You can find a good one, don't kid yourself. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:20 AM Flag

op: if she didnt have to live with us in our small apt....and if i thought she would actually follow my directions (and my husband would back me up) - i would have a different opinion. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:33 AM Flag

op: thinks i am being selfish.... but says he understands my concerns but that we can just work through them. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:30 AM Flag

I'm trying to think about how that would go for me. I think my dh would see the point that if I'm the one home most of the time and he's not around then whatever impact it had on me (pos or neg) would bear more weight in the decision-making. Of course, my MIL is completely useless (although she doesn't know that) and too wrapped up in her own stuff to offer something like that. GL figuring it out. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:32 AM Flag

op: thanks so much. it is such a touchy situation as DH feels like I am "dissing" his mom.... and i am not. she is welcome to come visit here and there whenever she wants but to live with us for 6 months in an apt is just too much. and i dont think i am a bad person not to want to have dinner with my MIL (and sometimes FIL would come) every night. and not be able to "speak freely" because i have to be deferential to DH's MIL....... [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:36 AM Flag

If your DH travels a lot for work, you might seriously reconsider your position. Having MIL there 3 days a week could be HUGELY helpful to you. I work f/t (so does DH) and have 2 kids, and MIL babysits 2-3 days a week. I cannot emphasize enough how much of a lifesaver this arrangement has been. Can you arrange her days so that she's only staying overnight 2 nights/week, but babysitting 3 days? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:34 AM Flag

op: i dont think so. i dont think she or my DH would want her traveling back to CT late at night so would probably want to stay until the next morning to leave. But how did you find coverage for the other 2 days your MIL not around? I would think finding someone parttime for consecutive days would be really hard (Thurs/Friday). And does your MIL respect your desires? My MIL bought curtains for my apt and just put them up without consulting me........... [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:41 AM Flag

We found a p/t sitter to cover the other days. Re: boundaries, you need to lay down the law NOW. Firmly but respectfully. Don't hide behind your DH (I have seen many posters on UB recommend this when it comes to MIL issues, and I think it's terrible advice). Of course you need DH to support you, but he may legitimately feel that he's being forced to choose between 2 women he loves and might not want to be in that position (it just depends on your DH). Anyway, stand on your own 2 feet and remember that YOU are the boss here. We still occasionally need to lay down the law with MIL, but you choose your battles. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:45 AM Flag

^^^ Anyway, good luck. Once you're working full time, you might realize how important it is to have flexibility with your child care arrangement (something that can be much harder to get with a paid sitter than with a family member, especially if it will often be just you and the baby. It's exhausting and you will need a break, if only to get your hair cut and buy new clothes for work. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:48 AM Flag

How dismissive! If you feel strongly about this, and it seems you do, you need to make sure you are "heard". Or this dynamic will appear again and again in your marriage. I am certain you can do this is a non-confrontational way, "I really appreciate your offer MIL, however I feel it will be best for our family to have a regular, full-time nanny. However you are more than welcome to visit db during the days and we will visit you at your home also". Good luck Lady! [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:43 AM Flag

op: thank you so much. i knew i would get the support i need for this family drama. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:48 AM Flag

Make it a "mellow-drama" (ha, I'm a hippy) I' [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:53 AM Flag

^^^db kicked me, whoops! I'm glad that neither your dh or mil are pressuring you to stay home. And I sah. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:55 AM Flag