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07.23.08, 20:01 PM General Topics
33 replies
dh and i had the dumbest argument tonight. ds spilled his juice and burst into tears, really sobbing and carrying on. dh yelled at him and i said that dh has no right to run out of patience b/c he'd only been home for an hour. then dh got upset b/c he did the "what do you think i do all day" thing. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.23.08, 08:01 PM Flag
 

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how old is ds and why do you think he got that upset? To me, that is the real issue. DH's ylling at him could only have made the situation worse, but I don't see what his yelling had to do with his only being home for an hour. Would dh have controlled his temper better if he had been home for 4 hours? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:07 PM Flag
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ds is 3yo. i think he's been very active this summer and he's just overtired. he naps every day but he's increasingly prone to having fits. not angry, more sad. i just felt like if you are there dealing with dcs all day, you're going to be impatient with them every once in a while. but if you're only home with them for one or two hours in the evening, can't you just keep a lid on your impatience? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:18 PM Flag
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ita [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:28 PM Flag
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thanks. i didn't know if i was being unfair. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:36 PM Flag
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ditto. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 11:45 AM Flag
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dh doesn't have a clue. i would be mad too. my db can't wait until his daddy gets home from work..i feel bad for your ds. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:26 PM Flag
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ok. thanks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:40 PM Flag
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It is not appropriate to yell at a 3 year old who has spilled juice and is having what may seem to be an excessive reaction. Not constructive. Teaches poor response to others' distress. Does spouse want 3 yo to yell at people who cry? Suggest to him that your child is learning all the behaviors you demonstrate. Encourage spouse to reflect on how he would want his child to respond to someone in that situation. Remind him that the child learns the behaviors that are modeled for him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:48 PM Flag
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Your DH is an ass. I mean that's the sort of thing that really hurts kids- talk to DH about it. A 3 year old can't control if he spills juice. Did you DH apologize afterwards? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:50 PM Flag
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no, he wasn't upset that he was about the spilled juice. he was upset that ds was crying uncontrollably. and he just yelled at dh briefly and then told me that he has no patience to deal with it. and i was like "listen, i've been with these kids ALL day. sure i lose my patience but can't you keep a grip for two hours?". that being said, he does get home during the witching hour so he doesn't have the calm times and fun times like i do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:54 PM Flag
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But yelling at a kid for crying isn't any more justifiable or sane. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:54 PM Flag
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^^whoops. yelled at ds briefly... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:54 PM Flag
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We weren't there - you were- but there's different types of yelling and you should keep on eye on whether your DH is belittling your DS or just saying "calm down" in a louder than usual voice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:00 PM Flag
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it was more like "what happened? why are you crying? we'll clean it up. STOP CRYING AND TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!!! DW, i can't take this anymore" ds was absolutely hysterical. i don't even know why. ds gets like this occasionally where he'll have a couple of days when he's just not able to cope with things very well. it's frustrating. i guess my point is that i'm not really worried about ds or about their relationship. my big issue now is that i wish dh would offer me more support on days like this instead of having less patience with the kids when they are like this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:07 PM Flag
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Quietly clean up spill and offer reassurance/comfort to child who (it seems with reason) may fear a volatile outsized reaction from parent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:09 PM Flag
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Yeah, show your son that it's not a big deal by not making it a big deal. He can't tell you what's wrong when he's hysterical and asking in a louder voice doesn't change that. Just give a pat and reassurance that it's no big deal. Clean up. Move on. If your son is still freaking out, find an absorbing activity you know he loves and get busy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:12 PM Flag
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yes. which is, of course, what we ended up doing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:15 PM Flag
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Nothing to do with how long he's been home. Don't cloud the issue. Angry response to accident and distress is not good parenting. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:52 PM Flag
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True. Is your DH an angry person? Does he yell at DS a lot? If it's a one-time thing, no big deal- we all lose it- but if a pattern, then your DH needs help. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:54 PM Flag
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op: that's the thing. i really understand that people lose it with their kids. i do it myself more frequently than i like. but i just feel like it's such a finite amount of time, i wish he could keep it together. and not so much for ds but more for myself. i think ds will get over it much sooner than i will. (ds was so hysterical i don't think he even heard dh at all) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:59 PM Flag
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WTF? Of course he heard him. Or at least saw his face. You need to get help for your DH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:01 PM Flag
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How does he respond when you cry? Does he yell at you then? And how do you respond when he cries? What is the norm in your family? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:58 PM Flag
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who are you asking about, dh or ds? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:00 PM Flag
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spouse [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:03 PM Flag
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i don't generally have hysterics so it's not really comparable. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:08 PM Flag
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Just curious what place strong emotions have in your family. Might help to better understand what's up with your three year old. By the way, it's perfectly normal for a three year old to flip out sometimes for no apparent reason other than, he's 3!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:14 PM Flag
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i hear what you are saying. food for thought. but honestly (and i am generally pretty honest with myself about these things) things can get pretty crazy in our household but it's more chaotic than volatile. i'm finding the summer very hard b/c dcs are having increased physical activity and are just more worn out than usual. their camps are almost over and i think we are going to have a quiet couple of days to let everyone regroup. as i said above, i wasn't at all concerned with ds's hysterics. b/c he is 3yo. and it was the end of a long day. i'm more upset b/c i wish dh would come home and assume some of the stress involved in the witching hour instead of me trying to have the kids lay off him b/c he's just come home from work, kwim? i feel like he should have more patience with them at the end of the day b/c i have less patience after a whole day with them. i guess it's that old sahm/wohd issue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:21 PM Flag
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tough to balance everything. my spouse needs a minute to decompress but he does it by going into our room and changing out of work clothes. When he comes out, he starts cooking dinner, which he loves to do, and our kids (older) help out or not. Try to address it with your husband at a quiet time when you're alone - never in the moment. "It would really feel good to me if you could..." "I know you're wiped but I really need..." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:27 PM Flag
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thanks. good advice. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:30 PM Flag
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forgot to mention the martini he has while cooking. just one but it helps to go from work mode to a more relaxed state. not dependent on it but it is a pleasure [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:34 PM Flag
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i don't know why that age group does it, but spilling things really sets off the tears. he doesn't have to know why, he just has to understand that it is upsetting and normal for that age group and to reassure without pressure. questions create pressure. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 10:51 AM Flag
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Why has no one mentioned the genders? Seems like a lot of dh are more likely to act like this to a son than a DD. Is he trying to teach ds not to cry? This would be a different issue altogether. My dh I have only seen cry once (in 5 years), which I think is weird and I'm kind of glad we are having a DD because I would worry he'd try to teach a ds to be too unemotional. On the other hand, I wish I could control my emotions better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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op: that really wasn't the issue. dh just didn't want to deal with the tantrum, knew he wasn't dealing well with the tantrum, and basically dumped the whole thing in my lap. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 02:22 PM Flag
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