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07.23.08, 18:16 PM NY Schools
66 replies
Suggest some private school admission season etiquette for the total newbie - to avoid faux pas and hurt feelings. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
NY Schools 07.23.08, 06:16 PM Flag
 

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Never mention Urban Baby. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:18 PM Flag
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Don't brag, don't assume everyone wants to hear about the admissions process, and don't insult other people's choices/options/philosophies [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:20 PM Flag
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This is good, especially last part - most people have very strong convictions (or lack them completely, making them overly sensitive and seemingly most strongly opinionated) about how/why their children should be educated a certain way. Don't let other people get to you and do what you think best for your family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 10:16 AM Flag
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Never offer your dc's erb score (or SB). Never ask another dc's erb score. Don't ask where they're applying to. Don't offer where your dc is applying to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:23 PM Flag
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why on earth wouldn't you ask where people are applying? everyone applies to the same schools anyway. hardly telling or competive. people have lost their minds. now you can't even discuss the schools. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:29 PM Flag
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Well, you would think that but it's actually annoying to be asked where we're applying to - could be indicative of how dc did on ERB (if full of TTs or only 4th tiers). For whatever reason, people find it a sensitive topic. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:33 PM Flag
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but the truth is, most people apply broadly. I would not read anything into it. but it is true that people are extremely sensitive...often for very little reason. it has gotten very weird. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:34 PM Flag
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But if half the schools or more are TTs, you know it's telling. Also, if you are applying to all the same schools, for the same gender dc's, it could create a competitive feeling. In my experience, I was more relaxed around parents of dc's of opposite gender. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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maybe in the past, but most people do apply broadly. if I say to someone we are only applying to coeds, I am not disparaging their choice to apply to ss. we can always talk about the coeds if they are applying to those as well. seriously, people are way too on edge. no one is trying to harm them. its a difficult process, with many unknowns. people like to discuss this to alleviate anxiety or commiserate. to behave so artificially is weird to me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:24 PM Flag
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I know, but I found so many people (totally normal people) who freaked out and turned into neurotic people during the school admission season. What can I say? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:34 PM Flag
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np We didn't apply broadly. And people asked where we were applying. No one knew my kid's erbs (which were 99x3) and they all said dc would "get in everywhere" because, even at 4, he was exceptionally bright. Getting in "everywhere" was an exaggeration, but dc did well. I think--unless a kid is connected--it's pretty clear who's going to end up at tt. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 06:12 AM Flag
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it always amazes me how people take their example of one and generalize. I know several kids who were not outstanding in any way, who got top spots. I know others who were outstanding but did so so. there are many factors, and the fact that you did well in the process probably was the result of some of these factors. It really isn't rocket science, but blanket statements like yours, generalizing from your personal experience are useless. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 07:12 AM Flag
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LOL. I didn't generalize any more than anyone else in this thread. For example, saying that "everyone" applies broadly is patently false. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 08:02 AM Flag
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At a general parent info meeting, please don't ask questions that are specific to your child! You look like a suck up and probably a big PITA. Save it for your interview. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:24 PM Flag
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don't disparage any other schools duuring interviews/tours, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:26 PM Flag
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np: don't disparage any schools at all. i did this while going through the process, not realizing people were sensitive about any and everything. did not win me any points. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:30 PM Flag
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Qn: what do you do when the school people disparage other schools? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:31 PM Flag
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never happened to me, but I suppose I would look interested in what they have to say, say nothing other than "oh, really?" I might take it as a sign that they were recruiting me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:33 PM Flag
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Funny, a mom on a tour did that to us. Dc was rejected from that school. (the one that made the disparaging remarks) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:53 PM Flag
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well, if you read the recent posts on this board, never mention the school you get into, especially if TT or anderson. You will be thought of as a terrible, competetive woman whose entire identity is invested in her dc's school. the school will be bashed, and you will be discussed on UB for the transgression. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:27 PM Flag
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NEVER tell anyone about your legacy status. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:48 PM Flag
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That' a really good point, thanks - I'll have to remember that! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 10:03 AM Flag
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only apply to schools where you would realistically send dc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:54 PM Flag
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Sometimes you don't know that until you apply. We applied to a school that I thought based on reputation & because many of the parents "seemed" to have similar values to us. I could not run away fast enough from that school, but didn't figure that out until after play date/tour/etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:56 PM Flag
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so withdraw. you just don't want to end up with that as your only option or have to deal with psd playing you off someone else. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:57 PM Flag
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don't take notes on tours [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:55 PM Flag
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Why not? As long as you don't slow anyone down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:55 PM Flag
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you seriously have to ask why not? it makes you look like a nut job [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:56 PM Flag
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Oh please. I saw several people taking notes and I didn't think they were nutjobs. I got too lazy to do the same but after all the tours, I couldn't remember who said what and what each school was like (including the names of people you have to send TY notes). So, I think they were pretty smart to write it all down. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:59 PM Flag
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so you do it after. just during the tour is a little strange. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:00 PM Flag
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I was impressed by the moms who took notes (didn't see any dads doing it) But for the thank you notes, you get a card from anyone you would have to send one to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:01 PM Flag
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Actually, at many schools, the tour guides didn't give me cards. I think only Spence did. Maybe Chapin, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:04 PM Flag
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You don't need to thank the tour guide, just the interviewer. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:06 PM Flag
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Yes. And mention tour guides. That's what we did. Worked out well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:36 PM Flag
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Some people are not in it to make themselves look cool or graceful. Some people are notetakers and schools don't think you're nutjob. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:00 PM Flag
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ok, keep telling yourself that. it makes you look a little too eager. but if you want to be a notetaker, by all means go for it. it isn't that hard to make notes afterwards. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:01 PM Flag
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A few schools will encourage you to take notes and offer paper. If they do this, then it's fine. Otherwise, it really does make you look like a PITA. As soon as you get home from the tour, write down everything you can think of. You'll still remember the key things and it's incredibly valuable to have these notes to refer to for interviews, thank you notes at the end of the process, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 08:26 AM Flag
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get a babysitter for your kids during tours, etc. where kids aren't welcome. if a playdate, only take the dc who is applying to the school. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:02 PM Flag
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You saw people with kids on tours? And sibs at play dates? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:04 PM Flag
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np; I saw people who brough DB sibs. One with a stroller no less. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:07 PM Flag
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Really? We applied to 13 schools & toured more and never saw this. I cannot believe someone would have the nerve to do that - I guess I can believe it because I think you are telling the truth, but, wow. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:10 PM Flag
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the only school where I saw this was at the School at Columbia. There were numerous professor types who looked like they just rolled out of bed, grabbed their toddler and baby and came on over. I was surprised by how ungroomed many were, and how they seemed to have no regard for others by bringing their screaming sib babies along. knew it wasn't for us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:38 PM Flag
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OMG, this makes me feel good about having gone public, where it doesn't matter how well groomed we are or if we bring screaming sibs on tours. I have an only, and he was never a screamer, but I'd totally understand if a mom brought a younger sib on a tour. It's a school tour, not a job interview. If DC gets accepted, you pay THEM 30K/yr, more than most New Yorkers earn in a year. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:52 PM Flag
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^^ I should clarify that any school (public or private) that offers tours and specifically states that children are not welcome is a different story. But unless a school specifically says "please, no children on tours," they should be prepared to welcome children, or at least not make them feel unwelcome. These are SCHOOLS after all, they exist to serve children. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 07:58 PM Flag
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well, gee. guess you did not learn that adult school tours exist to educate the adults about the school. I found it very distracting and disruptive to have a couple of sleepy eyed, screaming kids in footy PJs there. I think the parents showed no respect for the other people on the tour, or for the school personnel trying to run the event. the schools may exist to serve kids, but in order to do that well, they must inform their parents. guess you would have fit well there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:14 PM Flag
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I think if you go for a formal tour of a school, you should at least brush your hair, or groom your scraggly beard. maybe even pull on clean clothes. but then again I may be picky [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:16 PM Flag
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I totally agree with you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:55 PM Flag
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This is nuts. We are in public and siblings are not allowed on tours. Tours go through classrooms while school is in session and who wants the constant disruption for the kids who are trying to learn. Open house at night is one thing, but kids or siblings don't belong on tours, in public or private. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 07:40 AM Flag
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I don't care about grooming aspect. Who cares? But what's relevant here is that the tours require you to walk up and down the stairs and in and out of classrooms. If you have a db in a Bugaboo, there is no way you can move with the group. Tour groups don't take the elevator and when you go into classrooms, you have to be quiet not to disturb the kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:40 PM Flag
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but the lack of grooming was just emblematic. these people were entitled and disrespectful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:43 PM Flag
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I saw two babies on tours. Both downtown schools, FWIW. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 08:27 AM Flag
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Wow--this is all making me so glad I don't live in NYC. The most expensive private schools in my town are 6K per year. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:26 PM Flag
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But our public schools here in NYC cost the same as your public schools. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:29 PM Flag
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not really. we donate thousands just to help the school keep some extras...extras that are a given at most publics around the country [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:41 PM Flag
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This is in your town? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:49 PM Flag
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my town: NYC! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 05:58 AM Flag
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Write a thank you note. I believe the general rule of thumb is after you have completed the process (tour, interview, playdate), but I think you can also do it after the interview. Doesn't matter if it's typed or handwritten. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 08:32 AM Flag
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np After interview--even if playdate is later (you mention that you're looking forward to bringing kid to the school). We did our thank yous ASAP after the interview--a few that day, some a week. As soon as we could get to them. Once you've had that one on one (or two, I guess) contact, it's best to get that note in while you're still a fresh memory. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 09:06 AM Flag
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Tour guide mom here: turn off your phone, don't check your blackberry 19,000 times during a tour (if it's that important, go to work), don't insult or argue with the tour guide (you can't imagine), don't compare the school you are on to other schools you've seen during the tour (for better or for worse), please don't bring your baby (even in a bjorn), be polite and pleasant, and please pay attention. Thank you! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 11:45 AM Flag
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People argue with you? About what? I guess we were lucky, on all the tours that we went on with other parents, every one was falling over to be polite to each other. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 11:49 AM Flag
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np At HM a few years ago, one couple was late. Guide waited, then finally started after 15 or 20 mins. When couple caught up, the dad didn't even look up from his Blackberry. SO rude. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 12:36 PM Flag
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Why can't I bring my baby in a Bjorn? He'll be sleeping anyway. What is it? It doesn't *look* good? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 01:54 PM Flag
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np LOL. I had an infant when #1 went through process. NEVER dawned on me to bring her on tours or to interviews. PSD didn't mention a thing; it's COMMON SENSE not to bring a baby. You're there to focus on the school (as are other parents--not to mention current students!) and bringing a child is just, well, stupid--especially if you have to feed him/her or change a diaper. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 04:14 PM Flag
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I think people are stupid enough to think the guide won't say anything about bad behavior to the admissions office! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 04:16 PM Flag
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Either find a friend you can share with or go to UB. Don't bore the rest of us with all of your neurosis and fears. We didn't apply to privates, so I think some of my friends felt more comfortable talking with me since I didn't have a dog in that fight. I wished them well but after a while it is just boring to an outsider. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 12:00 PM Flag
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Remember that it isn't entirely about you or your child - the school is looking for an entire class makeup, and don't be hurt (well, try not to be) if your child isn't part of it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.24.08, 12:03 PM Flag
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