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07.22.08, 23:18 PM New York City
35 replies
Am married to an investment banker who works long hours, plays golf on Saturdays (then comes home to nap and does no housework, changing diapers etc. I am working FT and raising DC like a single mom -- others out there like me??? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
New York City 07.22.08, 11:18 PM Flag
 

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It's YOUR choice to be SuperMom. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 11:19 PM Flag
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?? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 11:20 PM Flag
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I'm not sure I understand your complaint. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 11:21 PM Flag
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She chooses to have kids AND work full time, and has the nerve to blame her DH for not helping with HER work. That's her complaint. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 11:28 PM Flag
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Time-warp Mom? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 11:29 PM Flag
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No. FAIRNESS Mom. Nice to meet you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 11:30 PM Flag
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wow NP here I am awake and I agree [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 11:47 PM Flag
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Huh? Fairness? So they both work full time, yet the brunt of housework and baby rearing falls on her shoulders? How is that fair? Because he's the man, therefore he should work? Because she's the mom, she should stay home and it's her choice to work? I'm not getting you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 12:08 AM Flag
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np: She is implying that he makes enough for her not to work, or hire someone to outsource all the housework anyway. Still, DH should not play golf every weekend IMO> [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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If dh and dw both work full time, they have to share ALL responsibilities at home (house work and baby) - that is only fair. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 03:32 AM Flag
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np: that is fair. And that is probably not going to happen in this situation. I posted below--I'm married to an IB and it's just a reality that they are not home enough hours to split everything 50/50. Certainly they should outsource a lot of the housekeeping stuff so that it doesn't all fall on DW. And the golf thing makes him look like a jerk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:18 AM Flag
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Get help! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.10, 09:55 AM Flag
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the kids and the housework are not "her work." they are the work of both adults in the household. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 10:58 AM Flag
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This is me but my DH is not an IB & makes jack for a living. If he actually tried harder & was more ambitious & brought home the money & then left running the family to me I'd be OK w/ it. That said, I think it sucks that in the little free time your husband has he prefers to golf than be w/ family. My DH would make that choice too & whether you have money or not it still sucks when DHs make those choices. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 12:51 AM Flag
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i don't understand the tone of your post -- you chose to marry this guy, and then decided to have DC with him. why so bitter and resentful? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.14.10, 06:42 PM Flag
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i was in a similar situation (but am now on maternity leave with second baby). my solution is to just hire more help for myself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 04:12 AM Flag
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I'm married to an IB, but he would never play golf on Sat. His dad was an avid golfer & spent a lot of time at the club, when he wasn't working. DH knows it't just too much of a time suck. I signed the kids up for gymnastics on Sat. a.m. & he takes them both then goes to the park w/ them or takes DS for haircuts. But he does work every Sunday, at least half a day. I do feel like a single sometimes--he travels a lot and the hours are long (though better than they used to be). But I also feel badly for him that he doesn't have time for a hobby or to see his friends much. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:12 AM Flag
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DH and I both work long hours. We have to divide the housework. He does laundry, I do clean-up stuff, cooking. THat said he leaves more mess than I desire BUT he spends A LOT of time with DC - more than me because I too like to work out in the morning on weekends. I think it would be much easier on both of us if we had a sitter for even 2 hours or so on Sat. and Sun. so we could each feel we got time to ourselves. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:17 AM Flag
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There are so many of these posts--how do these men justify their behavior??? I do not in any way think it is the woman's fault, but maybe we are letting them get away with too much. Sometimes I just do things because it is easier to do them myself than nag my dh. And he is actually pretty good with this stuff. Still, the things that I do as a matter of course, he has to be asked to do. And i also work full time. Can you sit down with him and discuss equality and sharing the work at home? Maybe assign duties that he will always do, so that there is no nagging or discussion. This has worked pretty well for us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 06:23 AM Flag
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The best thing that ever happened to my marriage and dh's relationship with was (my) horrible insomnia. Dh is a corporate lawyer who works constantly and is very involved in community activities -- so no golf on the wkends but lots of other commitments outside the fam. For a period of time, I just couldnt fall asleep until 3, 4 am. I finally had to admit I couldnt do everything myself and asked DH to take DS in the mornings to let me sleep until he was ready to leave for work. He really stepped up and has continued to be "in charge" of ds in the mornings and takes him to church (not my thing) on sundays, too. I'm not wishing insomnia on you, but maybe you can just assign him a time of day/week-- like breakfast every morning or Sundays when he is not working to give yourself a break? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:26 AM Flag
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and i'm sure you're not living too shabbily either [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:26 AM Flag
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That's the thing being married to an IB (I posted above, also an IB wife). You can afford to have some help. I would never have a full-time nanny. But we have a family assistant who can take on some of the duties that DH does not have time for (car maintenance, dry cleaning) but that DH would otherwise do. I don't think it really works to say "it's not fair. It has to look like ___ to be fair." But I think you have to arrive at an arrangement that feels okay most of the time for both of you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 08:29 AM Flag
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My DH is very helpful but has normal hours. Regarding housework: I think your DH should be excused if you can hire a lot of extra help because he is already working hard and deserves some downtime. Then maybe you can join a golf club where you take the kids to the pool while he plays NINE holes and then joins you at the pool. At my golf club where I grew up, the Dads with little kids only got to play Sat OR Sunday. When they are older he can play more. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:02 AM Flag
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-- My DH is involved with the kids, I don't know how to "fix" that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:06 AM Flag
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np: good suggestion here. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:29 AM Flag
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I don't think any parent should be excused for putting the career before family. If you don't see your children anymore because you work 60 hours a day something is really wrong especially if you COULD get a job with less pay but more personal time. If I was married to a guy who is married to his work I would not want to have children with him. It would not be fair to them, to me, or even to him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:32 AM Flag
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My DH works a ton (IB wife, posted above). We waited to have kids until he made it out of the really ugly early analyst years. If he does not have a client dinner or is traveling, then he prioritizes being home for family dinner, play w/ kids, bath time, stories. But the reality is he does sometimes have to go deal w/ clients and he does work part of each Sunday to keep caught up. He is a loving father and has virtually no life beyond work/family/a few football games a year. I am not going to make him leave a career he loves and is excellent at because he has to fit some mold of what a perfect family is. We are happy. Our kids are happy. That's the bottom line. And I'm a very lucky woman--he's a great man, a great father. And some people work the same # of hours but at crap jobs w/o any where near the monetary reward he gets. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.23.08, 09:36 AM Flag
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Similar story.... just that its not golf for my husband but just more work. No weekend ever, every day is a workday. I am sick of calling him every evening ans asking when he will return and double the time he says he will still need at work. 20 min? Whats the bet he will take 40. will take another 3 hrs? No, its really 6. I am not kidding. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.14.10, 06:08 PM Flag
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My brother-in-law gave up golf for several years until the kids were old enough to golf with him, and now the family goes together and they love it. Your DH should cool it on the golf until he can take DC. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.14.10, 06:12 PM Flag
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DH did this. Although admittedly was not a hard core golfer before kids. He decided that there was no way to spend the time adn the $ that golf required wo taking away from time with the kids and with things he could do with the kids. He says he'll take it up when the kids are old enough to play, but the more time that passes, the less he cares about it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.10, 01:25 PM Flag
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I think many, and I can relate to the golf thing as my DH loves to play as well (and works a lot). The thing is, it sounds like your db is very young and perhaps your first and I honestly don't think many men get excited about their children and into doing activities with them (and giving you a break) until db is old enough to be "interesting" to them and also responsive- think maybe 18mo to 2 years. Not saying I think it is right/wrong, but an honest observation. The golfing then napping thing would piss me off as that basically means he is kind of checked out all day, but realistically it is hard to expect a stubborn man to give up his hobbies to play with a young baby. They really have no interest. I think you need to 1) get a maid/housekeeper to help you out with the housework, 2) enjoy your time with db and don't spend too much of it fuming at him, and 3) speak to DH about doing "family" activities after golf instead of napping. If you want alone time get a sitter for a few hours in the am while he is golfing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.10, 11:40 AM Flag
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BTDT. Got divorced with joint custody, now former DH has the kid half the time. Turned out to be the best way to get him interested in child-rearing. And I finally have some free time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.10, 01:17 PM Flag
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me too, but dh works a blue collar job, so money isn't the benefit. shrug. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.10, 01:28 PM Flag
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DH here, can you send me his contact info? I'd like to know how he manages this... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.10, 01:56 PM Flag
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too late, you need to manage that BEFORE you get married. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 06.15.10, 02:05 PM Flag
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