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07.21.08, 12:03 PM New York City
25 replies
Speaking of nannies and references, I decided to let my nanny of 2.5 years go. We thought she was reliable and honest until a series of incidents this summer. I'm sure she will use us as a reference. I have a hard time badmouthing her since I would feel awful if she couldn't get a job. I know the obvious advice is to be honest with anyone who calls for a reference, but I can't help but feel conflicted about it. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
New York City 07.21.08, 12:03 PM Flag
 

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That's when you go to answer what asked. If, however, any incident resulted in harm to child or a crime you need to be open with other parents. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:05 PM Flag
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that's true -- I won't lie. I'll answer what's asked. If they don't ask, I won't volunteer. It's possible that another family won't be annoyed by the things that bothered me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:07 PM Flag
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be totally honest. Say that. I have gotten lukewarm feedback on nannies from their previous moms and I factor that in, but at the end one always goes with their own gut and experience with the potential nanny. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:05 PM Flag
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what happened? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:06 PM Flag
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what happened this summer? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:06 PM Flag
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It came to my attention that she hasn't been watching my dc in the playground as closely as she claims. Also, she was late to pick up my dc from camp a few times and didn't tell me about it. When I learned from another parent and asked her about it, she lied. Things like that. Nothing really major or criminal, but enough to shake my trust in her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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As a parent who employs a nanny and baby sitters, I would definately expect you to tell me this kind of stuff when I call. I would certainly questions like "what were her worst qualities" and "why did she stop baby sitting for you." And I would expect you to give those examples as answers. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:23 PM Flag
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Nobody will ever say this though. People are very diplomatic with their references, which is why they are generally quite useless. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:33 PM Flag
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well, if a reference said to me that she let the nanny go b/c they just weren't a good fit, I would press for examples. But I also probably would cross that nanny off my list at that point anyway. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:37 PM Flag
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how late is late - like < 5 minutes or like 20 minutes? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 01:41 PM Flag
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Broccoli pancake mom? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:07 PM Flag
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lol, no, although I remember that post. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:08 PM Flag
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IMHO it is worse to knowingly set someone up to have a dishonest or untrustworthy person care for their child. I don't understand feeling guilty about having fired someone who broke your trust. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:08 PM Flag
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you don't need to badmouth. let them ask specific question and you answer them honestly. don't offer anything. and if they don't ask, then you won't tell. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:09 PM Flag
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^^^and that's only if it's not a real safety issue. if she was negligent or harmful to dcs, i think you have to say so. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:09 PM Flag
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what did she do that led you to this? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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see above. Nothing major and possibly things that another family would overlook. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:17 PM Flag
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I cannot imagine any parent willing to "overlook" your child's caretaker being late to pick up your child, not watching your child closely at the playground, and lying to you. That is egregious. These are the things people are hoping to avoid when hiring a nanny. You should definitely warn any potential person who calls you for a reference. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 01:01 PM Flag
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95% of nannies don't watch their charges closely in the playground. I was appalled the other day when I saw a group of nannies hanging out at the 77th and Amsterdam playground. They were talking, eating ice cream, and looking anywhere except at their charges. I had no idea which kids were with them. So, there are many parents out there who overlook or are at least oblivious to their nannies' lack of vigilance in the park. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 01:13 PM Flag
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are you the original poster? If so, just because 95% of parents are not aware of such behavior does not make it tolerable. If you are not the original poster, I understand your observations completely -- it's a real shame. This is my biggest fear with hiring a nanny. Who knows what they are really like when you're not around. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 01:35 PM Flag
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i think different parents expect different levels of vigilence and those who exepct high vigilence think the rest are nuts. I KNOW my nanny does not watch DS closely enough to make lots of other moms confortable, but I also know that she watches him closely enough to make ME comfortable. I take into consideration the park that they go to AND DS's maturity level which is far more than other kids his age. I'm pretty sure most moms don't think that I watch him closely enough either. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 01:41 PM Flag
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there are a lot of creepy people out there in the world and a NYC public playground provides them with easy access to kids. At the park, vigilence should be at the highest level, for this reason alone. One would hope parents would instruct the nanny as to the risks of not paying attention at the public playground in NYC and that the nanny is competent enough to want to be protective. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 01:49 PM Flag
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np: I think that people's fear of such risks is far greater than the actual risks. People feel that children are constantly prayed upon and abducted by creepy strangers but this simply isn't true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 01:53 PM Flag
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"constant preying upon" is not the issue. The presence of even a tiny risk is risk enough to warrant careful watching at the playground. I guess if nothing bad has ever happened to you, you tend to think it will never happen. Other peoples' experiences, however, can influence how you feel about this issue. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 02:03 PM Flag
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be honest and let them decide. Just give the facts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.21.08, 12:23 PM Flag
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