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07.16.08, 14:15 PM General Topics
42 replies
do you ever feel guilty for working full time? Pg with #1 and wondering if I should go back to work or not. Also if you do work full time do you get jealous if your dc are close with the nanny? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.16.08, 02:15 PM Flag
 

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I work full time and I do not feel guilty at all. We did not have a nanny. Our kids went to a school where we could monitor them from our office (or any) computer with a secret code. Both of our children are well adjusted, friendly, and smart. No regrets. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:17 PM Flag
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what kind of school lets u do that? where? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:19 PM Flag
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It's in Queens. It's available in the rooms with the babies in it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:20 PM Flag
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can you post the name? I live in queens and I would be interested in checking it out [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:49 AM Flag
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but didn't you feel guilty that the school had a large part in raising them. it is just a friend of mine that works full time is really only home with the kids for dinners and bed time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:20 PM Flag
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and the dad? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:22 PM Flag
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same. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:25 PM Flag
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We do A LOT of things together with our children on the weekends. We also supervise their homework each night...talk about what they are learning, their friends, teachers, etc. We eat dinner as a family -- that is non-negotiable. We also do a lot of things together like cooking in the evening, gardening, etc. I believe that all of this is real quality time. We both have to work so we made the best of it and my family has developed a routine so that it all works out for all of us. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:22 PM Flag
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that sounds awesome! I definitely think if you put that effort there it can be done. Some people just don't put up any effort, you know. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:25 PM Flag
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We decided to set certain limits and I am glad that we did. I have turned down several job promotions because they would have taken up just about all of my weekend and evening time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:27 PM Flag
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I am you. I have said this before and got flamed. I think it is important to enjoy your kids while they are still little. I have no problem coming in at 7 and leaving at 3:30-4pm. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:44 PM Flag
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np: I'm a SAHM (for now), and I always cringe when people imply that WOHM's are not "raising" their kids. The other thing is that you can be a SAHM and not put in the effort either. It goes both ways. You can be a fantastic SAHM, or a crappy one. You can be a WOHM who makes the most of her time with kids (more time than crappy SAHM) or you can be a crappy WOHM who spends no time with kids (less time than a SAHM). It's all a matter of person, not whether they SAH or WOH. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:43 PM Flag
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ITA. This is the rub. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:35 AM Flag
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np- you'll make your choice, but it's simply not true that the school "raises" them-- the daycare you chose is important, no doubt. it's a place where they spend time, make friends, have relationships, and hopefully be loved and well cared for, etc. but you and your husband will raise your child- whether you're home full time, work full time, or something in between. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:29 PM Flag
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the misconception that children are best raised exclusively by their mother is rather unfortunate and also a fairly "new" idea. I'm a big believer in the whole "village" concept. As long as the village is on the same page with the parents philosophically. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:30 PM Flag
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np: sadly though at daycare the "village" includes other children being raised by different parents with different parenting lifestyles... most children I have seen that go to daycare are more likely to hit/push/kick/bite other kids and act out for attention. I think it is from having to fend for themselves among all the other children at daycare. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:35 PM Flag
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putting aside your ideas about why kids push -- your childrne wil always be dealing with kids form different backgrounds. daycare, school, the playground. the issue is more the values and conduct of the caregivers than the otehr kids. and their expectations for the kids [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:41 PM Flag
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ita... but usually not until they are older and understand more what rules are. for me my kids aren't around people with different backgrounds from the time they are 3 months old 40 plus hours a week [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:44 PM Flag
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It really depends on the daycare. I posted above about my children going to one. I knew all of the parents in my children's classes. We had meetings together, playdates, etc. We chose the place very carefully. There were others we could have selected for far less money, but we liked this one the best because of the quality of care, attitudes of the employees, and the other families that were there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:43 PM Flag
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^^^I meant to also add...It's not that children did not ever push each other or have squabbles...it's just that when they did the caretakers and the involved parents handled it in a way that I really liked. Once my own son scratched a girl on her arm. I gave my phone # to the caretaker to give to the other parent who called me the next day. We spoke for a few minutes about it. I really liked that. There will be incidents, but how they are handled is important. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:45 PM Flag
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that is even better! there are so many day care centers out there that the caretakers won't even notice... scary!!! you sound like you have found the ideal place! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:48 PM Flag
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new poster, but I have the same situation. My dd's daycare is amazing, they are also family friends so it makes it even better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:50 PM Flag
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It was very good. My children are no longer there because of their ages, but I have recommended it to many people. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:51 PM Flag
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that is really neat that your daycare does that. i think it is important for all the parents to be super involved and not just drop your kids off hoping that everything will just work out! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:47 PM Flag
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i feel more guilty now that dc is older and asks me to do something that i can't do bc of work - like pick him up at preschool. when he was a baby, i missed him, but never felt guilty (although i worked 4 days then). not at all jealous of his relationship with nanny, in fact, i'm happy they are close. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:18 PM Flag
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no and no. now, luckily i have a very flexible schedule and i love my job. but i am gald to work, adn i am glad my kids have a good relationship with their nanny. let me note that almost nobody asks fathers if they feel guilty for working f/t, or more. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:18 PM Flag
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ita! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:27 PM Flag
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Yes and no. guilty when work intrudes on my weekends, but I know I am a better person by being true to myself and not pretending to be a SAHM when I am not. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:19 PM Flag
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that is so important, you must be true to yourself to be a good mom in the first place [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 04:27 PM Flag
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As a former nanny, I will say that there was jealousy with 2 of my former employees, when I would leave to go home their dc would cry and wouldn't go to their mother. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:22 PM Flag
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not at all guilty. i had a hard time juggling things, but didn't feel guilty [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:30 PM Flag
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Your kids are young once---why not nurture them and your relationship with them and start work when they are a bit older? No one ever died wishing they had spent for time at the office. Sorry--sad but true. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 05:26 PM Flag
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NP. I think for some people financial considerations come into play. When they are young IMO is the time other people can meet their needs. When they are tweens and have homework and complicated issues and no job will let you see them after school until dinner, maybe that's the time not to work. If you can pick... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:32 AM Flag
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i think mozart probably died wishing he'd had more time to work. personally, now that my kids are older, i think being home when they are infants is a lot less importatn to "raising" them than the later years. You can nurture your relationship and work jsut fine -- its what most parents do. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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I have to disagree with that one. Many SAHMs felt like they were worthless and had no identity when they had no choice but to stay home. While they may not have died wishing they had spent more time at the office, they may have regretted devoting the best part of their lives to other people. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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Why not get a nanny that can nurture your child while they are babies and then quit work later when your kids will really remember that you stayed home? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.18.08, 08:02 AM Flag
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I would strongly advise you to force yourself to go back to work for at least a few months. You can ALWAYS quit. I definitely sometimes do feel guilty and have mixed feelings, but I would also have mixed feelings about SAHM FT and not bringing in any income. My DD goes to daycare and in the morning she runs into daycare and doesn't say good-bye to me unless they make her and this makes me happy. I dropped to 4 days, and I feel like the balance is better. I also feel less guilty knowing b/c I am saving $ now and making more contacts I will only have more flexibility to be with my kids when they are older and might need me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:29 AM Flag
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did at first, but then saw how much fun she was having at school and got over it fast. Having a really good caregiver is key. Honestly, she's better off there. They have a lot of fun and do such cool stuff I could never do (she's 2 now) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:34 AM Flag
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np: I did not read all the posts but I can tell you that I have a 4 month old and am lucky enough to have a 6 month maternity leave. You won't be able to decide what you want til you are home w/the baby, it is such a different life. For me, I'd ideally like a part time job to get the best of noth but my current position won't allow that. I know I will feel guilty going to work but I know that I will still get a decent amount of time with her. I am interviewing nannies now and it makes me sad to think I will leave her with someone all day. Again, you really have to get into the situation to feel what is right. AND having a newborn vs now my 4 month old is SOOOO different. With my newborn I wanted to run back to work it was so tough but now at 4 months with her laughing and smiling all the time it is so different, GL. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:38 AM Flag
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So many women feel good going back to work, newborns can be very very tough! I have an advanced degree, had an amazing job, and suprised myself by wanting to be a SAHM. Completely shocked myself, seriously. Db is now 9 mo old and I just can't imagine going back, although finances will force me to very very soon. I am devestated but it is just life for me right now. Full time working mommies who are happy are good mommies, you have to do what feels right, if your finances allow you to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 04:31 PM Flag
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Don't make any decisions now; just get as long of a maternity leave as you can. At 4 months I was not ready to go back; at 6 months I was. Then after working for 4 months, I decided that FT was too much for me and I wasn't getting enough time with dc. I left my company and am now talking to them about a part-time arrangement which I think will be great. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 05:32 PM Flag
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My dd is 4 months old and I work full time because I HAVE to. Every day I feel guilty about leaving her and every day I hate my job more and more. I wish I was could stay at home with her. No one will take care of your baby the way you would and I wish I could afford it financially. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.18.08, 07:31 AM Flag
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