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07.15.08, 11:11 AM Toddler
27 replies
Has anyone ever been a labor coach? Agreed to do it for my best friend (who is going to try for no medical interference, unlike me) and need to clarify to friend's husband (who is feeling threatned) what my role will be. Advice? TIA. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Toddler 07.15.08, 11:11 AM Flag
 

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I was there for my friend when she was in labor (24 hrs long). Her baby's daddy was there also and he was no help. She needs to clarify to her dh why she wants you there. I find it odd that he's feeling threatened by you being there. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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oh dear - sounds like your friend needs to talk to her dh. you're being a good friend but i feel sorry for you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:12 AM Flag
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itta. (poster above). During my friends labor, the father and I weren't seeing eye to eye. My view was whatever the mom wanted. His view was no meds..let her push through the pain. It wasn't a nice scene [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:14 AM Flag
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OP: Oooh, I am afraid this is exactly what our issue is. Advice? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:16 AM Flag
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well I just pulled him aside and told him that I wasn't going to argue with him in front of her because that helps no one and only stresses her out. I also reminded him that she is the one in pain and if SHE choses to ask for meds then we should be respectful of her decision and since neither of us could relate (I didn't have kids back then) we shouldn't judge. He still guilted her into no meds for 12 hrs but after than she told him to go to hell (lol). She got meds and was able to rest and relax [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:18 AM Flag
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Wow. So, this guy isn't alone. I have never come across a man so judgemental about his wife not using paid med. Bizarre. I guess I will hold my tongue and see how it unfolds once we get there. He was arguing that I shouldn't be there since I DID opt for an epidural I wouldn't know what she was going through and would encourage her to get the epidural as soon as thyings got tough. Sheesh. I'm with you--whatever mom wants, I'll advocate for... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:22 AM Flag
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np below, her dh is an a$$ too...tell him since he will likely never experience that kind of pain that he should be leaving the decision about meds up to her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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Yeah, it's always a bit strange to hear my husband describe how the amnio wasn't too bad...He was great in labor and delivery and as pregnant (without being annoying at all) as he could be, along with me. As athletes, we both have some experience pushing physical limits, so that may have been in our favor-BUT if I had requested meds, he would've sprinted for the anaesthesiologist. It might be unifying for the trio to discuss what everyone hopes for, expects and is comfortable with; My sister attended our child's birth, along w/my husband and [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:35 AM Flag
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they were so great together and there for one another, as well as for me. Remember that it's seldom a predictable scenario, past some basic similarities and hopeful outcomes. If he's never attended a birth, it's likely he'll be humbled and most concerned about mom and baby, too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:43 AM Flag
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yes amazing how many men feel they know better. I've been pg 3 times (pg now) and because of metal in my back I couldn't get an epi. I don't wish that pain on anyone. If I could have it, I would get it in a heartbeat. Why suffer if you don't have to. Your friends dh is a real JERK [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:25 AM Flag
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I know. It sucks. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:31 AM Flag
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np: OMG, her dh sounds like a big dick...wtf kind of husband tells his wife 'no meds' once she decides shw wants them? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:22 AM Flag
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you would be surprised how many men feel like this. BTW my friend got knocked up from a booty call and I couldn't stand this man. Thank god she didn't marry this asswipe [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:24 AM Flag
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OP: Yes, it is a bit awkward. Oddly, it doesn't help that I have known him for a long time. He is very opinionated and usually my friend can handle him and his strong personality, but she seems very nervous about labor. It's their first. How would you describe your role in specific terms? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:15 AM Flag
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the one that needs to be having this talk with him is your friend. All he will do is pull rank as being the father and he may get very snippy with you. She doesn't need hostility in the room. I can't understand how men think they could dictate to a woman in labor HOW to labor. Pisses me off [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:20 AM Flag
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Just tell him that first labors can be long and tiring on even the bystanders....offer to man the camera after the birth if they want...fetch ice chips while he stays with her, stay with her while he runs to get a bite to eat. My best friend was at my 1st delivery and I really liked having a friend with me who had given birth before and could offer suggestions my dh wouldn't have thought of. My thought is sometimes in the throws of labor you feel a bit of resentment toward dh since you are going through all the pain...sometimes a mediator is kind of nice [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:20 AM Flag
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OP: Thanks for the specifics! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:23 AM Flag
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During labor w/our first, our midwife was concerned by a dramatic decrease in fetal heartrate accompanying contractions, so from the get go, plans changed. We hadn't wanted a vaginal monitor-got one; we wanted to continue labor in the hot tub-couldn't. So things change, yet the focus should always remain on low stress and positive attitudes- no matter what changes pop up. That's the talk that needs to be had before labor. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:55 AM Flag
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btw, it was simply a cord around the neck that was skillfully manipulated during delivery by our incredible midwife, w/no cutting. The worries that were expressed later, by my man and my sister were truly undetected at the time and we went home 12 hrs later, with our beautiful baby. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:01 PM Flag
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a dh here: I would not have been happy if my dw had asked a friend to do this. I don't think I fit the description you give of her husband so maybe it is a moot point but I wanted to offer a male POV. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:58 AM Flag
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Why? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:01 PM Flag
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Because it would have meant she did not have faith in my ability to be there/do this with her. If the friend acting as a labor coach were a doula or had training in the area -- that would be one thing -- but that is not the case here. -OR/dh [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 04:32 PM Flag
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If I had been alone in the room when midwife went to answer a page and husband went to make calls, I would've had to confront a round of ob residents on rounds-discussing my labor and why I was a likely emergency c-section w/in the hour-alone. Luckily, I had someone whom loves me there, so she could tell them they were silly, mistaken and needed to leave. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:25 PM Flag
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I did not leave my dw's side during labor for either of our kids. And #1 was a really long labor. -OR [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 04:35 PM Flag
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well since you aren't the one pushing a watermelon out of your penis, I say whatever your dw wants, she gets. It's really astonishing to me how some dh want to tell their dw how to labor. If she wants a friend there, she should be able to have a friend there. I know this is your dc too but this is HER BODY [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 03:37 PM Flag
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I had SIL in with us during labor. Originally it was because I wanted someone who I thought would be more comforting and nurturing during labor rahter than DH who is awesome, but can often be more like "You can do it." rather than "I know it hurts, let me rub your back". In the end though, the best thing was having 2 people there so that each had a break (labor was 30+ hrs) and 1 could attend to me and the other could go find a nurse, go fetch things, etc. And thye alternated those roles. It's impt to remember that you are alone through much of labor and often you don't want DH running off to attend to something and leaving you all alone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:18 PM Flag
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Hello. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 04:35 PM Flag
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