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07.15.08, 10:34 AM General Topics
97 replies
I have an appt to terminate a 5 week pregnancy tomorrow. I am sick to my stomach over it because I want three (I have a 2 yr old and a 4 month old) and we just cannot afford to have another so soon. Anyone have words of advice/support? Will I be okay afterwards? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.15.08, 10:34 AM Flag
 

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Don't expect to be ok right away. Just know that you are making the choice that is right for you, and learn to live with it. Best of luck [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 10:36 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 10:37 AM Flag
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OP: thanks-- I just feel like I will feel guilty forever. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 10:39 AM Flag
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I had one when I was 19. I'm pro-choice and was an unmarried student at the time. I am now 42. I have regretted it my entire life. You will regret it. That doesn't make it wrong but the regret for me never went away. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:53 AM Flag
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NP: You should cut yourself some slack. You were very young at 19. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:02 PM Flag
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np: i am sorry you feel this way but there are many women who do not regret abortions. OP can feel however she feels. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:16 PM Flag
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ITA. i've had 2 and don't regret either one. take care, OP. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 09:05 PM Flag
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Me too, have had 3 and don't regret any. Was the right thing at the time. I do sometimes think about what life might have been like if I had birthed those children, instead of waiting for what I then thought was a better time for me - and I still don't regret what I did [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 02:27 PM Flag
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Same exact scenario age-wise but I've never regretted it for a minute. I have a 2yo and a 4yo. And a husband and an MBA and a world of experience that I never would have had. Plus, this other woman has motives. How much you wanna bet she never had an abortion and torments women going into clinics in her spare time. GL. Focus on your kids and remember that this will make their lives better. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 05:50 PM Flag
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DITTO FOR ME AT 23--always always will regret it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 12:49 PM Flag
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I had one at 33 and do not regret it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 03:36 PM Flag
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At 31 and never, even for a minute, regretted it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 10:10 AM Flag
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Did you go to Yale for undergrad and then law school? I know a woman your age who still thinks about her abortion which would have been when you had yours. My guess is this kind of thing is very common though. This woman's main complaint I think was that she felt arm-twisted to get the abortion, since it was supposedly in her best interests (since she had potential for a great career, but not if her education got derailed in college). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 08:59 PM Flag
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I had an elective abortion as a young woman and have not regretted it for one second. Don't project. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.20.08, 05:34 AM Flag
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you probably will, specially if you eventually go on to have #3 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 06:41 AM Flag
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This sounds like a very difficult decision, and I am sorry you have to go through it. I think your reaction is normal. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 10:40 AM Flag
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ITA. I have no thoughts about what you should do but feel for your struggle with your marriage/choices/pregnancy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:22 AM Flag
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you will be fine physically but emotionally you really need to pay attention. The guilt was so great for me I started shop lifting…it was so weird I don’t know why just did and then stopped about six months later. Also don’t expect DH to understand, he will give you a week and then think you should be over it and tend to your dc’s. Stay true to your heart you will be fine but it won’t be easy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 10:47 AM Flag
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you are projecting your personal experience, based on unique idyosyncracies of who you are and who your DH is, on to OP. Not fair and not right. My experience totally different from yours on all counts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 02:29 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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ITA!!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:07 AM Flag
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ita as well (and I'm extremely, vocally, staunchly pro-choice). if you want three, maybe now is the time, even if money is a hindrance [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:09 AM Flag
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tritto. i'm pro-choice, but after having dbs, i do see the fetus as a child. i just do -- i have 2 amazing little ones to prove it. that said, i would never tell anyone what to do. i do not want a 3rd, and if i got preg, believe me i'd consider abortion, but in the end i know i just couldn't do it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 05:46 AM Flag
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itta [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 06:41 PM Flag
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np: i have to second the thinking about it some more (though i appreciate that it's time sensitive.) i'm worried that you will always look at families with 3 young kids and wish you'd not been so worried about money. this is not an anti-abortion post. but if your relationship is stable and you want three kids, you may always regret it. you mention feeling guilty forever. could you live with that or would it eat at you? i'm sorry you're struggling with this - it would be so hard. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:10 AM Flag
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If you want three, I say reconsider too. Is your money situation going to be THAT different 2 yrs from now? It just sounds like you are going to really regret this if you go through with it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:28 AM Flag
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I completely agree. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:34 PM Flag
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ITA. youll never regret the baby, but you"ll think of this so many times even 30 years from now. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 05:41 PM Flag
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ITA. If you want 3 this is your chance. (i'm pro-choice). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 03:21 PM Flag
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Ita. Signed, someone with personal experience. You must be compltely at peace with your decision before you go in or you the $$$ problems will pale in comparison. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 09:14 AM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 06:37 PM Flag
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Yes. Yes. Yes. Please think hard about this, OP. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.22.08, 09:32 AM Flag
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are you and dh in total agreement on this issue? Both sure this is what needs to happen? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. I was like you except, I had just had my third when I found out I was pregnant w/ #4. For a moment, we considered terminating -- most due to financial concerns, space, etc. -- but I also knew in my heart there was nothing wrong with this baby. He's been the most amazing gift. PLEASE don't do it. I understand your money worries. I still have mine. But every time I look at him, I am so grateful I did not terminate. It will work out. Good luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:10 AM Flag
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I think you are making this decision far too quickly. You just found out you were pregnant a few days ago. Are finances really so bad? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:26 AM Flag
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new np: if finances weren't an issue would you be ready to have another so soon? not being ready for another one yet is also a valid reason, in my opinion. it's a difficult place to be in. do what your instincts tell you is right. you will be fine either way.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 11:50 AM Flag
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I feel so bad for you that you are in this position. Have courage and make the decision that is best for you and your family - and the one that you will be able to live with. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:23 PM Flag
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OP: My main concern in terminating is not being able to give the time that I would like to my youngest child-- I would like some time with her during these important first years before I go through the physical toll of a pregnancy (I am high risk and on lots of medication to ensure a healthy birth) and bring a third into a tiny house. I am also terrified of having three under three and a half as my husband is away for weeks at a time and we cannot afford a live-in. I am hoping that this logic will ameliorate the guilt over time. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:34 PM Flag
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you want to be a good mother to the kids you have. that isnt' anythign to feel guilty about. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:36 PM Flag
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Do you have family in the area? Anyone who could reliably help? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:37 PM Flag
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I love the in-laws but don't trust them to not share it over Passover dinner... My family is 5 hrs away [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:38 PM Flag
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Could the in laws help with the little ones, esp while dh is away? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:43 PM Flag
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completely unreliable [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:45 PM Flag
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could you go and stay with your family, while dh is traveling? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:47 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:41 PM Flag
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My DC#2 is 15 months younger than DC#1. Although at the time I was terrified about having two DC so close in age and felt terrible guilt about DC#1 not being a "baby" for very long, I now consider their age spread magical. They're 6 and 7, enjoy the same things, and are best best best friends. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 06:24 PM Flag
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think about how you are going to feel in a couple of years after you do this and then you decide to have another. that's the part that would bother me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 06:42 PM Flag
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i'm 27 and had my 1st abortion in 12/06, and i now have a 5 month baby. i didn't regret my decision then, but i do admit then when i look at my baby now, i wonder what could have been... it's normal to feel what you are feeling. only YOU know what is right for your family, your sanity, and your soul... be strong for your dc's and know that no matter what you feel afterwards, TALKING to your friends/dh about this will help you get through it... don't battle it out in your head, talk it out... best of luck and lots of strength and comfort to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 12:46 PM Flag
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[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:34 PM Flag
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my cousin got pg w #3 when she had a 14 mo and a 2 mo at home. she was 24 and her dh was in the military and away for months at a time. i remember her saying that she would like a 3rd, but not then. she never went on to have a 3rd (by choice) and i don't think sh regrets the termination. however, she lives in europe where the stigma is far less for such situations - she talked about it pretty openly and no one ever said anything. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:40 PM Flag
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Only you can make this decision. It sucks, because it would be so much easier if some one else can make it for you. I know, I had an abortion at 27. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, but no regrets. It was the right decision for me and the WRONG guy! Took me a long time to get to this place mentally, but I got there. I think it took a long time, because it took me so long to decide to have the abortion. I wish I had gone with my first gut feeling and done it at 5 weeks. But again, that's me, that's my life. I feel so much for you. And I'm so happy to see all the support your getting on this subject. Don't let any one judge you and tell very few people, or no one at all. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:45 PM Flag
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I'm pro choice but I don't think you should do this. I think you can find a way to make it work with three. How can you do this and then go on to have a 3rd child later? I don't think you will get over it and it will effect you as a mother and have a bad impact on your family, your kids. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:48 PM Flag
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Please moms, no one tell her what to do. Especailly people who have not had an abortion. You simply have no idea what the mind set is like unless you've had one. Think of it this way, women who use IVF risk pregnancies this age on a regular basis, and no one judges, or thinks ill of them, except of course, completly f-ed up religious people. Do what your insticts tell you to do. They are your maternal insticts, afterall and they know what's best for your life and your family's life. And if later you feel it's a better time in your life for number 3, then good for you! It doesn't mean you've given up your right to breed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:53 PM Flag
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np. people are just posting their honest comments, which is totally valid. being pro-choice doesn't mean you can't say anything - she is an adult making a hard decision. personally, i think you should seriously reconsider, given how you feel emotionally. i've had an abortion and have never been more depressed in my life (very different circumstances). you would not want to raise #2 feeling so low - don't underestimate this, seriously. best wishes. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 06:30 PM Flag
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Totally different situation, but my dh and I had a db who died shortly after birth from a heart defect and then went on to have two healthy dcs and decided that we were done. I still feel somehow, sometimes, as though I ought to have three dcs since I was pregnant 3 times - it's a weird feeling, that there's a missing piece of our family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 01:53 PM Flag
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That's really sad. Sorry for your loss. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 06:36 PM Flag
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I'm sorry you feel you have no choice but to do this. Especially since you say you want three. Is three so much more costly that two ?! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 05:43 PM Flag
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what does DH say ?! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 05:55 PM Flag
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If you want to have 3 dc's anyway, I think it's a mistake to abort. People always find a way. I wouldn't want to have 3 dc's, but I have a happy marriage, and a stable home and I'd have the baby if I got pg anyway. Just have the db and be done with. Who says you will be able to have a 3rd db later on? No guarantees in life. I don't think you will get over it (subconsciously) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 06:26 PM Flag
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This post is just awful. Sorry. I wish I didn't feel this way, but can't help it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.15.08, 06:29 PM Flag
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ITA [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 12:52 PM Flag
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I'm sorry that you feel awful, but you are being too self-indulgent. 5 weeks pregnancy means that you got pregnant only two weeks ago or less and you've probably only known about it a week. C'mon... how attached are you? Treat it like a tooth abcess. This is something that must be removed for your health and the health of the rest of your family, ESPECIALLY your two existing children. Your loyalty and feelings should be about them and not yourself. If you cannot afford the additional child then don't give it another thought or your other kids (and you) will really suffer. This is a no-brainer. If you are mature, you'll put it in perspective immediately and put this behind you as soon as you walk out of the office. You can make the decision to get past this. Your body hasn't even started to make hormonal changes to work against you. (Most pregnancies terminate within first 6 weeks anyway, naturally.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 12:17 AM Flag
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A tooth abcess? How crass - an abcessed tooth is a rotted tooth and has no ability to become a living being. There are reasons for everything and the poster must take responsibility for her family - if she wants three then this is nature's way of giving her what she wants, just not when she wants it. To use abortion in this way is really wrong - to suck your child in a sink because it's inconvenient. Since there's already a family, there is support and there are ways to work it out - don't do this - you will regret it. In the event that you do decide to abort, for God's sake don't tell you children - they'll start to wonder if you're going to get rid of them too. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 01:11 AM Flag
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NP: ITA. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 03:34 AM Flag
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God's way? She's a grown woman. God didn't have anything to do with her having unprotected sex. She and her husband made a decision to play the odds. If both weren't prepared to become pregnant, it was just adults acting like irresponsible teenagers and they need to correct the medical problem they have in order not to drain their emotional and financial resources. Move on and take care of the other 3 people in your family or you'll be like the other miserable UB mothers complaining how their kids are unruly and their husbands ignore them. She should have given this some thought before she had sex. Tough lesson. Hopefully, she'll teach her children to be more careful. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 06:36 AM Flag
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wait. are you blaming her for having sex at all, or are you assuming she didn't use contraception? because it fails, you know. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 09:05 AM Flag
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np: I would stake my salary that they weren't using birth control with a baby just 4 months old. I worked in an abortion clinic for a year and almost all marrieds who needed abortions were due to carelessness after having a baby, especially if mom was nursing. They assumed they were safe if no regular periods. I agree that they should have been more careful if they were conflicted about terminating pregnancy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 03:35 PM Flag
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What a difficult situation! I have a three month old and would be terrified of a pregnancy right now. I totally understand your concern of not being able to give you db what he/she needs right now. This is a short period of time when they will both be young and very needy of you. In a few years they will be able to enjoy each other's company and could end up as playmates and great friends. I have five brothers and we often didn't have a lot of money, but I wouldn't trade any of them for material goods. One of the best things my mom gave me are siblings. We are close now and having kids together and they will be around longer than my parents. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 05:21 AM Flag
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Good luck and don't be made guilty by people on an anonymous board who have their own agendas. You and dh are the only ones who know what is right for you and your family. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 09:00 AM Flag
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If you feel able, OP, please post how you are doing. Thinking of you and hope you are ok. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 09:02 AM Flag
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yes you will be okay afterwards. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 11:19 AM Flag
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My sister had her first at 15 yo and her second at 21. She was just finally getting her life back on track (going to school, new relationship, etc.) when she got pregnant with #3 at 28. They had no money, small two bedroom apt., only one moderate paying job. Anyhow, they had the baby and they are totally fine. It's working itself out. Kids don't have to be expensive when they are little. Your kids are so close in age that you probably won't have to buy much, if anything. Cut back on unnecessary expenses. Send your kids to public school. They will be fine. And,get some permanent birth control if you decide to keep the baby for goodness sake! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 12:18 PM Flag
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Especially with the money they got from the Jerry Springer show... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 03:36 PM Flag
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I just had my third and I cannot imagine my life with out ds. each one is precious. do you reliae you could give your baby up for adoption. so many people cannot even have one child. and you would be giving your child his or her life and with a family who would treasure him or her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 12:53 PM Flag
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give the baby up for adoption. so many families want a baby and can't have one. and you won't have to feel guilty. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 12:54 PM Flag
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gmab. there is no way that op can do that - for one thing, how on earth would her dcs deal with her doing that? Leave OP alone with whatever her decision is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 02:47 PM Flag
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np; I don' understand. You'd rather kill it than give to another couple? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 06:52 PM Flag
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That "kill it" response is crap. Think about the phrase "kill it" - those two words make no sense together and also the poster does not want to go through a high-risk pregnancy if she is not going to keep the baby. Early terminations should not cause lifelong angst - the body will frequently terminate a pregnancy naturally so both your body and mind are equipped for a pregnancy loss. I had three miscarriages before carrying my daughter to term. While there is a difference between choosing to terminate and having your body choose for you, I think it is mostly psychosocial. Know that whichever way you go ultimately, your body and mind will let you recover and you will have done the best thing for all concerned. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 07:57 PM Flag
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ita...her older db is old enough to realize something is amiss should she carry pregnancy to term, yet no baby comes home to live with them. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 09:31 PM Flag
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is this your choice or are you doing it bc your dh expects you to do it? Don't agree to it if he is the only one who really wants you to get the abortion. Make sure it is YOUR choice. No woman should have to get an abortion, or NOT get an abortion, based on someone else's preference. Your financial situation is not as big a deal as you might think, things will work out either way. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.16.08, 08:57 PM Flag
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I know that you must be going through so much emotion...I know it is going to be hard, but just make a decision that you can live with. It might be a struggle to have three that close together (I photographed a woman for a magazine recently who is dying from cancer whose daughter is 25 and has 4 kids (preggers with a 5th) and her husband probably earns close to min wage. They live in TX, but still, when I feel badly about my kids and situation I just think of them.) The thing you would not want is to have the abortion and live the rest of your life feeling guilty about it. You can make the decision you feel comfortable with, but unless you are on welfare and living on food stamps I would say that you can afford the baby. What is worse 2-3 years of a challenging situation or feeling guilty the rest of your life. BTW I have a double stroller I will give you for free if you email me fiona@dtreader.com. Good Luck. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 10:43 AM Flag
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terminated at 21 years old and never regretted. never had bad dreams or any of that stuff. always knew it would have been bad for all involved. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 06:36 PM Flag
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ITTTTA agree. never regretted. good luck OP [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 06:44 PM Flag
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You will not be OK afterwards - it's your decision but everyone I know (including me) who have been there have been super depressed afterwards. It's like a giant void. Maybe it will be different for you, but I wouldn't assume it will just be OK bc we are all pro-choice. GL. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 06:38 PM Flag
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I was depressed because of the hormones, but extremely relieved not to be pregnant and never regretted it. Stop with this everyone I know crap [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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i terminated my 1st pg, i surprisingly was not super-depressed, and actually felt emotionally fine after relatively not-that-long. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 09:33 PM Flag
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god has blessed you with another child! It's a sin to even think about considering what your planning on doing, remember god never gives you what you can't handle. I will pray for you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.17.08, 10:24 PM Flag
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"god never gives you what you can't handle": Crap! (Do you really dare to tell that to the mothers with young children who are dying from cancer or the victims of torture or violent crimes...) You don't know if OP believes in g-d, don't bother her with sentences like that and "it's a sin". [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.18.08, 12:59 AM Flag
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"It's a sin to even think.." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 05:32 AM Flag
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aye yi yi! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 09:34 PM Flag
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take it from me. you are pregnant. whether you have the baby or abort it, you can never change that you created life. i had an abortion at 21 and it was awful. i remember the protesters outside, the video they show to prepare you, the "comfortable" chairs in the pre-abortion room, laying on the bed waiting for it to happen, seeing the doctor suck the baby out of me, feeling sick afterward (both physically and metally), talking to the other "aborters," and the first words my boyfriend at the time said to me, "I am glad you went through with it, I thought you were going to flake out on me." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 05:54 AM Flag
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This response is completely irrelevant to the original post [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 06:10 AM Flag
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ita. this was not at all my experience when i had an abortion. no protestors, no nothing...it was not easy to terminate, but i don't regret that i did. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 09:36 PM Flag
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same here - in a hospital, general anethesia. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.20.08, 05:35 AM Flag
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Had an abortion 5 yrs ago, yes it was the right choice for me at the time, but never forgot about it, specially now when I hold ds, (and pg again with #2). If you want a third you will find a way, GL what ever you decide to do [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 06:39 AM Flag
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First of all, whatever decision you make, you don't have to do this tomorrow. You have at least 5 more weeks of time to think about your decision. No need to rush. I just went through this (contemplating termination, but we are having it). Just take a deep breath and think deeply with your heart. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 09:41 AM Flag
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this post is from 4 days ago. it's probbably already done. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.19.08, 09:48 AM Flag
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