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07.13.08, 18:05 PM General Topics
63 replies
please, please help- i am in major need of advice. i am 26 and my mother is 52. she was recently (2 yrs ago) remarried after being a widow for quite some time. her husband is verbally and emotionally abusive and she is miserable. we also think he is an alcoholic. i'm not sure if this started before the wedding - they were together for three years before and seemed to have no problems, but i guess that is neither here nor there. the problem is that my mother is basically afraid to leave him (and afraid he is going to divorce her) because she thinks she is going to end up "in poverty." while she wouldn't actually be impoverished, she certainly would need to make some serious lifestyle changes. anyway, she is so upset and depressed about all of this that i truly believe she is suicidal. she is also asking me to get involved in ways that i feel extremely uncomfortable doing... so basically (and thanks for reading this far) my question is, would you suck it up and do something uncomfortable if your potentially suicidal parent is crying on the phone begging you to do it? at what point can you say no? i am wracked with guilt and extremely stressed out about this.. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.13.08, 06:05 PM Flag
 

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Do you have money to help her? She is scared of her DH but more scared of being poor. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:07 PM Flag
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no, i don't have the money unfortunately. but like i said- she wouldn't be POOR. she makes about 100k/yr with one kid in college. but she also would be living a very different standard of living than the one she's lived for her entire life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:09 PM Flag
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I am guessing she isn't leaving him so I wouldn't get yourself so worked up. She needs therapy because venting to you is so unfair and unhealthy. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:10 PM Flag
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yeah, you are prob right, but he might leave her. i think he is pretty screwed up and desperately wants to be single. the thing is, i KNOW that this is unfair and unhealthy but what can i do? i can't tell her she can't talk to me? and i keep suggesting therapy and she comes up with every excuse in the book, then promises to do it, and never follows through. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:11 PM Flag
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I think you need to start laying down some boundaries with your mom. Two calls a week and otherwise screen the calls. Your mom sounds very troubled and you are way over your head. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:13 PM Flag
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you've gone this far - what is she asking you to do? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:07 PM Flag
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she wants me to fly halfway across the country (she'll pay for the whole thing) to confront his parents, who i have only met a handful of times, about the situation, and say that their son is ruining my mother's life and ruining my and my brother's life, and that i think my mom is going to kill herself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:10 PM Flag
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that sounds kind of insane. [said with compassion, btw] does it feel that way to you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:11 PM Flag
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OR above: Your mom has no boundaries. Not only is her request downright silly it would be wildly inappropriate for you to do this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:12 PM Flag
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to both of your posts- i realize the whole thing is crazy and i know that boundaries should be set, i just feel so guilty about the whole thing and if she actually did commit suicide i would just be a mess for the rest of my life. i don't know how to tell her i won't go and confront these people. every time i try to explain, she just starts hysterically crying about how her life has no meaning anymore and how she is better off being dead. the worst part is that i think she means this stuff, i don't think she's just doing it to get what she wants. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:16 PM Flag
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she needs to see a dr- and she needs meds [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:18 PM Flag
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thats what i told her. i am going to keep pressing this. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:20 PM Flag
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she's trying to guilt trip you. sounds kind of manipulative. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:21 PM Flag
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Was she a teen mother when she had you? Were you more the adult than she? Such a disfunctional relationship. Please take care to notice how this is affecting your relationship with your dh and your dc. They are you priority - [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:23 PM Flag
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no, she was totally fine until my father died when she was 35. and then things went a little downhill, and now that she is remarried its just become god awful. thanks, i am trying to keep this to myself and not talk about it a lot to dh etc [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:25 PM Flag
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I'm sorry about your dad most of all. How old were you? I'm sure that was hard [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:26 PM Flag
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thanks, i was young (dont want to give too many details). it was hard. but i can truly say, she is much worse now than she was when all of that happened... which is scaring me a lot. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:27 PM Flag
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How is your college sib dealing with her through this? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:30 PM Flag
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he knows nothing. and i don't think it's right for me to tell him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:34 PM Flag
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I agree- does he live there with their mess at all? in the summers? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:39 PM Flag
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nope, not at all. he's in his college town. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:41 PM Flag
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YES!!! YES!! it is so insane that i cannot even bring myself to discuss it with my husband, bc i know he will go crazy if i do it. but how do you say no to someone who literally IS on the verge of suicide? i have NEVER seen her like this before and i am so worried about her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:13 PM Flag
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I am pretty sure your mother is not going to kill herself. I don't want to be mean but she isn't even willing to bear (imaginary) discomfort in a lower standard of living. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:16 PM Flag
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can she come visit you? (thinking this would get her away from the situation and into immediate safety and give you a chance to get a better sense of what's going on with her - because her suggesting you do this is really bizarre thinking and completely inappropriate in terms of boundaries, as the other pp said.) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:16 PM Flag
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yes, have her visit you (and stay in a hotel - your kids don't need to see all this drama) [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:17 PM Flag
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she was actually with me all last week. this is terrible to say but it's just been such a drain. and she comes up with these plans and i get sucked in. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:18 PM Flag
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OK now I see that YOU need help to deal with this f'ed up relationship you have with your mother. Do you get therapy now? Please cosnider this...you have your own children too [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:19 PM Flag
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thanks. i'm in therapy but bc of summer timing/vacation issues it has been very spotty so i'm sort of desperate for guidance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:20 PM Flag
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I think you need to visit her and see what her dh is actually like [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:19 PM Flag
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i have, a few times. he is nice enough in public but i do think he definitely has a drinking problem. i also heard one of his voicemails to her that sounded emotionally abusive and he was clearly drunk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:21 PM Flag
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Such bad advice...please do not get further embroiled in this drama [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:22 PM Flag
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it's not terrible to say. i know what you mean. and the fact that you recognize it's a drain means you are healthy. so hold on to that part of yourself. if she is really suicidal, then she needs to see a psychiatrist or go to an emergency room. if she calls you again threatening suicide, then let her know that you will stay on the line with her while you call an ambulance on her behalf on another line. you have to throw in a little tough love here with the empathy. some of what your describing sounds very manipulative - not saying she's not truly in distress as well - but - now pay attention, this is important: YOU CAN'T WORK HARDER AT HELPING HER THAN SHE IS WILLING TO WORK HERSELF. remind yourself of that. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:22 PM Flag
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thank you for the advice- i will definitely follow it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:24 PM Flag
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i just hope it helps. it is so hard to have a mother who is crazy (even if it's just temporary). know you are not alone. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:30 PM Flag
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your mother needs to deal with her marriage problems herself, not thru you. it's one thing to be empathetic and supportive, it's another to be an agent. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:16 PM Flag
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God Lord are you serious. Maybe your mom is the one with the mental issues. She is a grown woman in her 50s I'm guessing who wants her dd to confront her dh's 70+ parents _ and what in the world does she expect his mommy and daddy to do about it? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:17 PM Flag
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well she is clearly severely depressed, maybe more mental issues, i have no idea. all i know is that this entire thing is scaring me half to death because i have never seen her like this. she thinks that her dh only listens to his parents and no one else can convince him to get the help he needs and to stop abusing his wife (that is what she said to me anyway). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:19 PM Flag
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You said your mom is 52, how old is her DH that he's still listening to his parents? Does he have children too? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:23 PM Flag
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i dont want to give too many details. he is older than she is actually. and yes, he has adult children, who are basically half the cause of all of the problems (they are HORRIBLE). [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:26 PM Flag
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No offense but they see your mom as a gold digger so of course they dislike her [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:27 PM Flag
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Odds are they are unhappy about the possibility that some of their father's money may go to her rather then them. Funny thing is someone posted about that on UB just a few days ago. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:29 PM Flag
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oh geez haha hope it wasn't them. theres also a big dramatic backstory but i can't post it here. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:31 PM Flag
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Was your mom involved with him while he was still married to their mother? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:33 PM Flag
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no, but she knew the family while they were still together. i know for a fact that they were not involved until WAY after the divorce, AND the wife left him, but who knows what his kids know and think. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:39 PM Flag
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i don't understand how she will end up in poverty - he'll go after her for alimony? a 3 year marriage? do they have a lot of joint assets or something? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:12 PM Flag
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no, she basically has been very irresponsible with money and is now dependent on him for it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:15 PM Flag
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money is usually at the root of marital problems. he's unhappy with her financial irresponsibility? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:20 PM Flag
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no, its a weird situation. they have kept their money separate and she's been BLOWING through hers. so she is about to run out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:22 PM Flag
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she put herself in this situation. and she's looking for someone to bail her out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:24 PM Flag
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So she wants him to support her...which it appears he is not willing to do. Is your mom super manipulative, could she be doing this to illicit his resources and pity? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:25 PM Flag
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Sorry but this does not sound like her DH's doing at all. Your mom needs to get control over the situation. Complaining to her dh's parents (who are probably in their late 70s at least) sounds totally insane. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:30 PM Flag
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It sounds like she's not such a joy to be married to either. Very hard to know how she is contributing to their problems [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:27 PM Flag
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yes, i am sure that she is at least partly responsible. basically, without getting into details, he is doing some bad stuff, but she is responding VERY inappropriately (totally over the top) which is pissing him off more, etc etc and its a vicious cycle. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:29 PM Flag
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i'm reading all these posts and your mother sounds like a perfectly awful person. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:30 PM Flag
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agree - sounds like they are made for each other [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:35 PM Flag
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op: does anyone know, is there any way i can delete this post? i'm a little worried that i've outed myself, esp now that the post is linked on the side. if my step-siblings saw this i would be totally screwed. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:40 PM Flag
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I honestly don't think you've outted yourself [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:45 PM Flag
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I wouldn't worry too much. The other story that has been talked about around here involved very little money and the couple was together for ages. (the first wife had died when the kids were really young). Also, believe it or not, there are a ton of people going through similar things. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:46 PM Flag
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op: ok thanks! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:48 PM Flag
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Whoa...Do not go. Do you have other sibs? does she? If yes, Where are they? Your Mom sounds seriously unstable and completely emotionally disturbed. I'm assuming, because of your age- that you're not a health professional; in the case that you were, it would be inappropriate to diagnose and treat your mother. The one person I'm not hearing much about is the one I'd be more concerned about-the college kid. Are they living in the home? financially dependent on that couple? If yes to either, save any resources you'd otherwise offer to your Mom and try to help your sib. Your Mom is not your child. Don't dive into her mess and DO NOT approach her H's parents! Next suicide threat- call EMS in her area. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:43 PM Flag
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my only other sibling is the college age kid, who knows nothing and does not live at home. yes, he is financially dependent.. but he doesn't know that that is in jeopardy and i think it should stay that way. she has siblings and i told her that i think she should talk to them, i guess she's already tried and they said they wanted to "stay out of it".. sigh. i don't feel comfortable contacting them about this. and i don't want to talk to her dh's parents but i just feel guilty because i DO think she is being abused, as crazy as she is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:47 PM Flag
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not or, but you absolutely should not feel guilty, his parents can not do anything, and it shows how little your mother is willing to take responsibility for her own happiness. There is NOTHING you can do to help in this situation except call the EMS next time she threatens suicide. You can't fix the horrible situation that she got herself into. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:50 PM Flag
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Well then, you should help in sensible, proactive ways. Research helpful organizations in her area and make a list of Mental Health, Women's Empowerment Centers, Financial Planning Assistance and Abuse Hotline Resources. You can be supportive while setting a precedent of not giving over your life to her poor choices. While you're at it, add a suicide hotline # to the list. I'm not trying to be cold but don't fool yourself- the college kid knows more than you assume. At most you can tell her to call the cops-she should call them before you- or a grown man's parents- anyway. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 06:56 PM Flag
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