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07.12.08, 08:18 AM General Topics
16 replies
I look at my older DS who is very smart, very handsome, and so insecure and so incapable of just "being" himself that I worry for him all the time. I already have him talking to a great kid psych, but anyone else have this problem ? His younger brother is just "cool" with tons of friends and my other son cannot "be" that... Doesn't know how to and wants it so badly. It breaks my heart and worries me. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.12.08, 08:18 AM Flag
 

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That sounds hard. How old is he? My oldest is kind of quirky & different, but so far seems okay being himself and doesn't worry about the rest of it too much. But he's 6--I keep wondering if that's going to change or not. His younger sister is very outgoing and the social stuff is a lot easier for her. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:27 AM Flag
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he is 9 [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 12:17 PM Flag
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You just described me at that age. I wish someone had told me that being popular wasn't actually going to make me happy (I achieved it my senior year in high school). I wish someone had told me that I'd be much happier making friends with people I'd actually like, people who I'd enjoy not because they were good-looking or popular. My dh had a variety of friends that weren't the "popular crowd" and to this day (20 years later) they all still keep in touch. I have only one friend from hs. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:32 AM Flag
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You could have been told this many times by many different people but you wouldn't have listened - none of us would at that age. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:56 AM Flag
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ITA You have to get there on your own. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 12:22 PM Flag
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The confidence thing is tricky. I didn't come into my own until college and I felt that I could be myself. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:34 AM Flag
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He is so not confident in himself. His dad and I are very confident and do not care a great deal about what others think. We can go with the flow. But - as we all learn - they come who they are. he came who he is. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 12:18 PM Flag
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My DC are 4 years apart and quite different. #1 is internalizes everything, is a rule follower, can be very slow to warm, and is a quiet leader with a small groupp of close friends. #2 is a loud-mouth (he never stops talking -- he loves the sound of his own voice!) and a clown and keeps going and going and is friends with everyone. DC are close, but #2 drives #1 crazy sometimes (he'll say: "Don't you ever stop talking?" and #2 always has a smart-alek response). They share some common interests and are have become close in recent years (and #2 looks up to #1) -- but it's a tough relationship at times. For my DC, I think the age difference helps -- their lives overlap, but not too much, they are able to have their own "lives." [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:35 AM Flag
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^^^ FWIW, my DC are older (15 and 11). #1 began seeing a child psych 2 years ago (we were having all sorts of family drama and he could not cope at all -- he was scared and internalized it all) and it helped tremendously. I think that the therapist also helped him learn to deal with #2 (who had no trouble during this time -- and actually was very kind and helpful to #1 while he was struggling). GL. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:39 AM Flag
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Don't forget that popularity is different for boys - different criteria (sport ability, etc.) and different importance. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:37 AM Flag
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Don't worry so much (worry is a useless emtotion anyway - it doesn't spur (?) you to action, just takes up your mental time. I recently read a book on childhood friendships - it said only about 12 % of children are the popular crowd. That leaves a whopping 88% who are not. I was in the 12 and never really gave it much thought - but my child will never be in that group and its ok. As long as a child has one or two good friends, they will be fine. I think parents (and teachers) go way overboard on this popular,well liked friendship thing. Look at the adults you know leading productive, happy, successfull lives. Some of them are social butterflies and some are not. My dh is a terrific guy - but you'd have to be in his presence about 4/5 times before you realized this. He's quiet. Your dc will find his way. He'll find his friends. He won't be like his brother - but who cares. How boring would that be?! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:58 AM Flag
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I am not worried abuot him being popular. i am worried that he will never be OK with himself. That he will always think that he cannot have friends or that nobody understands him. He is very hard on himself and that is very difficult to watch. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 12:20 PM Flag
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He'll find a friend. It only takes one or two in the sea of people he will meet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 12:53 PM Flag
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Find an activity that he can do with others who have simiiar interests - soccer, dance, tennis. Being popular is not what is important. Being able to have relationships is. people have relationships with people they trust, if they can trust people they can be themselves. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.12.08, 08:03 PM Flag
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wow, I think this is a "first-child" thing... I am a first born and I have always been this way - insecure, perfectionist, overthinking things, being social and outgoing has never come naturally to me, although now that I am older I think I have finally gotten over that. I would reinforce the fact that he is special, talented, etc and do things just w/ him to make him feel special and more comfortable in his own skin, like you and DH take him out to brunch. good luck! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 04:12 PM Flag
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thank you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.13.08, 04:14 PM Flag
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