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07.11.08, 10:10 AM General Topics
45 replies
Need Advice- Dh and I have been together for 10 years. Dh has severe OCD and several other issues: very jealous (although I've given him no reason to be), bad self image, rages on me in front of the neighbors, ect. A friend of mine that I've known for 16 years recently got a divorce (no kids)- this friend and I have started to spend more time together and I think we are falling in love. I'm so confused as what to do. Please don't flame, I've been agonizing over this. Also, in my current situation with dh, I have fallen into a deep depression. Dh is nasty and mean and very suspicious of me- I can't have friends or even be on the computer without him wanting to know everything that I do-very manipulative and controlling. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.11.08, 10:10 AM Flag
 

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Get thee to couples counseling!! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:13 AM Flag
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We have tried this for many years. It works for a few weeks and then back to the same old thing. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:14 AM Flag
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It sounds like you're being motivated from your "new relationship." Are there kids? What do your friends who know both of you think? What about family? At the very least, you need to see a therapist of your own for depression. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:15 AM Flag
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I think the new relationship is motivated from the situation- I have been very patient with Dh for a long time, it's so exhausting. We have two boys. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:17 AM Flag
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Also, my mother thinks that I should leave him. I have very few friends that are not his. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:17 AM Flag
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np: what has kept you with him all these years? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:17 AM Flag
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Trying to work it out, I've put a tremendous amount of effort into it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:18 AM Flag
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But what are you trying to work out? Mean, nasty, manipulative & suspicious are things he needs to change, not you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:32 AM Flag
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I know. He's told me so many, many times that he would change, but he never does. He says the most insulting things to me. I'm tempted to be with my friend because I'm treated this way anyway. I think there might be some good in it for me to go slowly and take care of myself first, but to also have some sort of human desire and contact again. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:36 AM Flag
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your dh sounds like he has lots of issues that have nothing to do with you. You can try to get him into couseling but many ppl won't go. If not you need to worry about yoruself. This relationship isn't healthy but dangerous. When ppl are controlling, they can snap at any time. I got out of a 4yr relationship with a controlling person who verbally abused me. I'm so happy I did this. GL to you [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:17 AM Flag
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He has been told he needs to be on meds and have therapy and he tells me he's too busy to do this. I'm verbally abused as well. I'm not sure what to do about my friend who really cares deeply for me- He really is kind and supportive, and I think that I am attracted to him. I feel guilty. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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first and foremost you need to take care of yourself. Do what is good for YOU and your kids. If yoru friend is meant to be with you in the future, he will be there when you are ready..and will be just a friend through this ordeal. I think you should handle one hurdle at a time before getting involved. GL [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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He has been there for me for a while now, and just recently it has turned into attraction. I was at his wedding-we have been good friends for a long time. I feel like I'm handling the hurdles, but almost think it's time for me to enjoy myself as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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you sound like you know what you have to do. Be careful, be strong..you can do it [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:33 AM Flag
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What do you think about the friend part? Would it be horrible for me to have a physical relationship with him even though it would make me happy? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:35 AM Flag
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you are the only one that could answer that. It all depends on how a physical relationship would be taken during this time. Will you be able to handle the ups and downs of a new relationship while finishing your current one? Or will you be able to be "friends with benefits" with no strings until you settle your current situation. I wish I had a the answer for you..but I do hope for the best. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:41 AM Flag
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I think we are along the lines of friends with benefits right now. I'm actually a strong person, but have morals. Is it acceptable to fulfill my own desires at this point in the problem? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:44 AM Flag
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well you can answer that. I know it's hard when you want and crave that physical closeness. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:52 AM Flag
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his issues sound primarily issues related to a character disorder, more than an axis I mental illness, which means prognosis for change is very poor. you need to model being a woman who takes care of herself for your children. best of luck to you. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:19 AM Flag
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He whines and begs when I told him that I want to live alone- He started to clean the house and try to take me out to dinner and buy me things. I'm disgusted with him and he wants to have sex as a sort of signifier that I'm not going to leave him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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^^ and, btw, i would recommend NOT making a choice in terms of a new relationship until you have some space and time - and hopefully therapy - for yourself. don't make a new choice until you know that you are no longer making poor choices, you know? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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I plan on doing so, but it feels overwhelmingly good to have this person hug me; I'm really, really tempted to fulfill my emotional and physical needs with him. He is a really good guy, and although I do not want a relationship, I crave intimacy [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:23 AM Flag
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Leave him and get your kids out of that environment [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:21 AM Flag
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I don't even know where to begin to leave. Do you get a lawyer? The house is in his name, the car in both of our names. Will he have to pay support? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:24 AM Flag
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^^also, my older son (7) has started treating me disrespectfully, just like his father. I'm really torn up over it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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What I did: make appt with divorce lawyer for free consultation. Since your mother wants to leave, she will likely help you with retainer if you decide to file for divorce. Lawyer will tell you the FACTS, which will arm you. This one free appt will empower you with what you need to know, the laws in your state, etc., what you can expect. I picked someone out of local newspaper (ad) and it was fine, or you can get recommendations. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:27 AM Flag
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Thanks [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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but you think you are falling in love with a friend you have been spending lots of time with, so maybe he does have a justification for jealousy, no? but i agree, it doesnt sound like the ideal situation for anyone, be strong and move on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:26 AM Flag
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I have not been spending much time with my friend at all, maybe have seen him 4 times this year. We email a lot. No, my dh was jealous WAY before this friend-accusing me since the beginning for going back to college that there was someone at school that I liked. He constantly asks me if there is someone else and has no reason to. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:28 AM Flag
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some people are just jealous by nature, i think. must be hard to deal with, along with the anger, etc. i guess it all comes down to if you love him enough to see him through trying to change, if not, then go before it gets even harder. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:31 AM Flag
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This is really good advice. I do love dh and feel sorry for him, but then again, life is too short. I can't see myself being this miserable all the time. He comes from a very traditional family (they wouldn't let his female cousin attend college). I am so tempted to have an "affair" with my friend because in some way I think it will make me strong enough to leave. I'm sure this is not right by the text book, but it is how I feel. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:34 AM Flag
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OMG!! It sounds like you are married to my ex-DH! I left my ex-husband. I remarried and am the happiest I have ever been. I have kids with new DH. Personally, I would leave. Why put up with his sh*t?! I know this sounds cold but why should you have to deal with his problems, if he is unwilling/unable to change. Leave. Start a new life. Be happy! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:45 AM Flag
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Should I give in to my desire to be with my good friend? I really want to have some sort of love and affection. It's been a long time. Did this happen to you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:48 AM Flag
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i cannot tell you what to do with the friend. i ended up marrying my cycling partner. he was around during the divorce but not in a romantic way. divorce is extremely emotional and traumatic. i would deal with the divorce then pursue the relationship. You don't want to take marriage/divorce baggage into your next relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:50 AM Flag
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I'm not looking at it like a relationship, but more like an outlet. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:52 AM Flag
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take the out on your own. you will have more respect for yourself. don't burden your friend with a relationship that is marred in a divorce. Oh, or do you mean you just want sex without a relationship? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:54 AM Flag
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I just want sex without a relationship. He just is out of a divorce after 17 years of marriage and he's thinking the same thing. My dilemma is: I'm with someone who will not change and it is obvious to me that it will not work even after I've given him several chances (I've never been unfaithful). But now, I want human closeness with someone who cares for me and I care for under the understanding that I am on my own fulfilling a desire. Is that so bad? I feel guilty, but also like I deserve to be happy as well. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:57 AM Flag
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well separate then hump away [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:58 AM Flag
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the separating part is taking so long b/c dh refuses to. the humping part is consuming my thoughts. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:59 AM Flag
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HA! Separation is easy. Go see a lawyer and draw up separation agreement. Cheating on your husband will make everything worse, esp. if you need any financial support from him. It might also help to get a therapist to discuss how the divorce will go. I did this with my ex-DH. We went into therapy for divorce. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 11:02 AM Flag
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We are not really married legally to begin with. It's more of a common law thing. Do I still need a separation agreement? Is it still cheating/ [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 11:04 AM Flag
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No. Pack your stuff up and leave tonight. If you aren't married, why in the HELL are you still there?! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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^^ oh and yes, it is still cheating [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 11:05 AM Flag
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I'm stuck in this situation for now. However, I do want to be happy. My friend and I are very close. It's tempting [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 11:07 AM Flag
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Because we have two kids and I have no place to move into right now, although I'm planning for it now. So, does this mean that to sleep with my friend would not be cheating? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 11:06 AM Flag
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