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07.11.08, 09:36 AM New York City
15 replies
WWYD? My 4 yo said something racist last night and it completely floored me. I told her that I heard of a nice girl going into her K class in the fall and she asked me what she looked like. I told her it didn't matter what she looked like, as long as she was a nice person, and DD told me she hoped the girl didn't have brown skin b/c she didn't like brown skin except on nannies (she has a black nanny). Of course, I told her how that was not nice and everybody was the same, no matter their skin color, hair color, how they dressed, etc., but it really shocked me. We (and she) have relatives and friends of different races and ethnicities, so I really don't know where she picked this up. What else should I be doing? Thanks in advance. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
New York City 07.11.08, 09:36 AM Flag
 

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She doesn'e understand what she is saying just explain it and maybe try to encourage a friendship with a child of a different race. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:38 AM Flag
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op: I guess that she doesn't fully understand, but I was so taken aback that I jumped all over her for it. She has friends of different races already, as well as a cousin. That's part of why I was so surprised. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:40 AM Flag
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did you ask her why she doesn't like brown skin except for her nanny? I would also have asked if she had heard things like this from others. She must have heard something from someone else [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:43 AM Flag
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^^btw you sound like a lovely person who is doing the best she can with her dc. Signed brown skinned mom [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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op: thanks so much. I definitely did NOT feel like a good parent last night. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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you did nothing wrong. Not like you are throwing the N word around and can take blame for her reaction [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:47 AM Flag
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op: I did ask her, but she kind of clammed up, probably due to my reaction. I guess I'll try to bring it up gently over the next few days to get more info and talk about it with her some more. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:44 AM Flag
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yes bring it up again when you both are sitting around and not upset. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:46 AM Flag
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np: but also recognize that sometimes a passing our misunderstood comment can attract so much of our focus that the kid then fixates where nothing existed in the first place. I wouldn't drop it but I would try real hard to get to that discussion via some other tack. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:50 AM Flag
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ITA that you are doing the best you can - although it's probably better not to respond with such intensity next time - since she might not be weighting her comments with as much judgment as you imagine she is, you know? my dd notices skin color all the time and notes it, comparing some people's complexions to others. i try to talk about the different tones of brown and white and black. she also calls two friends with the same name "white lisa" and "brown lisa" - which it has been a puzzle to try to figure out how to respond to because - like i said, it has no meaning for her. it's just descriptive. and, by telling her it's not okay, i am then creating negative meaning to the skin color. sigh. it's all complicated but grist for the mill. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:53 AM Flag
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np: have you tried suggesting she call the Lisas by their last name..ect Lisa H. and Lisa T. Then you could explain that is the proper way to do it if she feels the need to distinguish which lisa she is talking about [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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or: she's 2 and a half - we've tried gentle redirections like this and they are not effective, unfortunately. the "brown lisa" (not her real name, btw) is a cousin (half white and half latino), so our family finds it amusing and not really an issue, luckily. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:00 AM Flag
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sorry I thought you were talking about a 4yr old [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:02 AM Flag
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op: I agree. I was a little surprised by my intensity. I haven't corrected her in the past when she referred to two girls in her class with the same name as "Chinese Jane" and "Spanish Jane," as I just figured that was her way of differentiating between the two and I personally think it's okay to acknowledge distinctions among us, but I was concerned that she was making judgments based on those distinctions. Of course, I'm using an adult perspective to judge a 4 yo's comments, so I probably do need to ease up a bit. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 09:56 AM Flag
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NP: Dc may very well have been voicing a cosmetic preference, which she meant innocently in her mind (e.g. saying I like blue better than pink). I would just make her aware that these particular opinions could be very hurtful if voiced out loud, and try to explain why in a very rudimentary way. ITA w/ not making as big a deal out of it- otherwise, dc may learn to not discuss these types of issues with you, in fear of getting yelled at again. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.11.08, 10:06 AM Flag
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