< Return to Talk
07.09.08, 18:42 PM General Topics
96 replies
DH and I have a great relationship, we have two dc's a dd who is almost 3 and a ds who is just over one. He has been really clear about not wanting a third all along. Two weeks ago he went to make a vasectomy appt. Just found out I am pregnant. i want the baby, he does not. I can't blame him as he has always been clear, and he's not a jerk, he just says he does not have the energy etc to go for a third. I can't convince him and I don't want to, but I am worried I am going to have some resentment regardless. Not really sure what my question is here, but anyone btdt a few years ago and wish they would have really pushed dh into it? [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:42 PM Flag
 

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

»
all my friends who have abortions seriously regret it and think about it all the time and every single one of them eventually got pregnant again I think to heal the pain [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:46 PM Flag
»
op: yes, but between a great marriage and two kids with a happy, engaged dad, or a third baby that throws it all into a wild card, I am just not sure I am willing to take a risk and change our happy home...sound crazy? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:48 PM Flag
»
I can see what you are saying but I have never ever in my life heard anyone say "damn I really wish I never had that third kids" after your beautiful baby is born everythign will fall into place..the 9 months might suck but it will work out. My DH was VERY resistant to a 2nd and now he has his boy and couldn't be ahppier [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:51 PM Flag
»
DH and I have 3 and we sort of agree that we should have stopped at 2 [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:53 PM Flag
»
are you really unhappy (with each other not the 3rd dc now?) How old is your 3rd? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:54 PM Flag
»
#3 is 17 mos. DH and I are both impatient people. We liked the idea of having 3 kids. Older 2 are 5 and 7. We went through a rough patch when the older two were young and then came out of it when they were 4 and 6 and they became more 'manageable' We quickly forgot about what we had just gone through and decided to go for #3. We both love her very much but we had sort of healed and now we are back to 'strained' again. I think it will get better when she is 4 or so but that seems like a long way off [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:02 PM Flag
»
really? well at least your honest but I hope your 3rd doesn't ever know that [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:57 PM Flag
»
it's not like we don't want her, we wanted her very much, it's just that we realize now that it wasn't good for us (dh and I)....I kind of think of her like a 2nd helping of dessert...you want it, you enjoy it, but you shouldn't have taken it...but you did and now you have to squeeze in an extra workout to make up for it [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:09 PM Flag
»
you might get crucified for that analogy, but I get it. I am sure other people feel the same way but are not honest enough with themselves to admit it. Just because you love your child does not mean you don't resent the amount of work sometimes. that's called being human! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:13 PM Flag
»
I've heard MANY people (who seems happy nonetheless) say they wished they stopped at 2; that 3 put them over the edge. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:20 PM Flag
»
also my dear friend had a great relationship and after her abortion her guilt and depression took over and they crumpled and are getting divorced [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:52 PM Flag
»
If you have a great marriage, third child will not change that. It would be one thing if you were deciding to TTC but you are pregnant already. You are likely to regret abortion if you want the child. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:53 PM Flag
»
I think it also depends on your view of abortion. even if we did not want ta third, I don't think dh and I would ever terminate a healthy pregnancy since we had a loving relationship and the means to support another. I am pro-choice in that everyone can make a decision for themselves but I am always surprised at how easy some people can abort a baby. I do not mean to be judgemental, I just think you both need ot look deep within yourself before you make a decision like this. Not having "the energy" for a third seems a bit of a cop out. You guys got pregnant, Was it intentaional? No. But you are a stable and happy family. I cannot imagine you wouldn't resent your dh if he pressures you into this. That said, I wouldn't want to ahve the baby if your dh was against it - beacsue then he'll resent you and the baby. This is a a big decision. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:40 AM Flag
»
Please don't kill your child just because your husband is tired. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 08:30 PM Flag
»
F-OFF. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 12.18.08, 12:39 PM Flag
»
I do not regret my decision to have an abortion a few years ago. Be careful with this advice, OP. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:51 PM Flag
»
I did not regret mine for one second and I have at least 3 friends who feel the same way [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 06:00 PM Flag
»
This is bs. Most women report a feeling of relief following an abortion. This is the other part of the glorious right to choose -- keep the pregnancy if *you* want it, and if you choose to abort, then know that you did it because *you* wanted to. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.11.08, 08:19 AM Flag
»
Don't force him to have a child he doesn't want - he will resent you for it. Be happy with the two dcs you have. My DH barely spoke to me for a yr after I had 2nd DC that he wasn't ready for and it has come up in heated argurments several years later. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:59 PM Flag
»
This would be a good advice if OP was not pregnant already. But to turn tables, at this point her DH has no right to force OP to have abortion, and is a real jerk if he tries. That's not a happy marriage. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:03 PM Flag
»
op" he's not forcing me. He's been very clear he does not want a third, and he is not forcing me into it. However we are on opposite sides of this issue and I am not sure how we resolve this. We both don't want the other to be unhappy but he just does not have the interest or energy for a third, and I do. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:06 PM Flag
»
So he did not ask you to get abortion and know you don't want one? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:08 PM Flag
»
No, we're sort of at an impasse, he does not want the baby, I do. I'm just not sure where to go here. We are equally responsible here, from the lack of birth control to getting pregnant, so I don't know whose opinion should count more and what the long term ramifications on our family will be. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:11 PM Flag
»
You guys didn't use birth control when you both agreed that you weren't going to have a third child? I sort of thought birth control failed or something. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:20 PM Flag
»
we slipped up one night and here we are... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:23 PM Flag
»
Ah, well, it happens. But then I think that if one of you wants the baby the other has to live with the consequences of slipping up, since you both know where babies come from. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:25 PM Flag
»
Good point. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:27 PM Flag
»
np: Semantics aside, an "impasse" means he is pressuring you to have an abortion. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 08:35 PM Flag
»
Hey, parenthood is tough, but he will love his new baby and if he's a good guy, he will adjust. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:11 PM Flag
»
did you have the same relationship to your DH like OP has? I think as long as those two are getting along great I would not worry about breaking the news that #3 is on his way. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.11.08, 08:07 AM Flag
»
There is a flip side to this - I let my dh make this decision a few years ago and at this point, I can honestly say I hate him for it. I never stopped wanting another baby but probably can't. If we had had a 3rd, I'm sure he would have loved it - by not having it, I will probably resent him until the kids are old enough that I can divorce him. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 12.18.08, 12:33 PM Flag
»
Yikes. That makes me really sad for you. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 12.18.08, 12:41 PM Flag
»
You shouldn't have an abortion if you don't want to. The emotional fallout would likely be harder on your marriage than a third child. Your family will be fine. (And I guess your dh should have had the vasectomy as soon as no. 2 was born. He bears some responsibility here, you know.) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:02 PM Flag
»
ITTTTTTA! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:09 PM Flag
»
I also agree. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:21 PM Flag
»
It's a tough decision, but I would probably not have the baby. He has been so clear, you've talked about it before, he went for a vasectomy. He clearly does not want this child. There is always a chance he will come around, but I think he would have already done it. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:04 PM Flag
»
np: OP's DH has not had vasectomy yet, and ds is one year old. He had plenty of time if he was certain he did not want to have more. And there are always condoms. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:06 PM Flag
»
I posted similarly above. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:07 PM Flag
»
I am pro-choice, but I think it's really awful when married adult couples who are perfectly capable of having the child have abortions because the child does not fit into their picture perfect lives. Your DH needs to grow up and face his responsibilities. Yes, it might be tough and not ideal, but the situation is only what you make of it. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:09 PM Flag
»
Agree. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:13 PM Flag
»
choice is the key word, dear [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:15 PM Flag
»
lol!! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:17 PM Flag
»
If you are pro-life, then you must agree that it always wrong. Otherwise, you are pro-choice. That doesn't mean you must agree that it's OK for someone who is perfect capable of raising a child to abort a healthy baby. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:26 PM Flag
»
exactly. Thanks for making that clear to people who say they are "pro-choice" but then only mean that as it applies within a certain narrow set of parameters. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:27 PM Flag
»
[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:29 PM Flag
»
Most of america is really dumb. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:53 PM Flag
»
Not at all. It is not black and white issue, and most people agree that abortion is not a good thing and should be last resort option. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 06:57 AM Flag
»
This is true. You can also agree that legally everyone should have the right to make the choice under any circumstances yet at the same time feel some of those choices are morally or ethically wrong. (np) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:30 PM Flag
»
Totally agree. I would never support legally banning abortion, but I think it is rarely justified. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:37 PM Flag
»
based on your justifications? But your life experiences have been completely different from someone else's, so whether or not YOU think it is "justified" is irrelevant. Until you walk a mile in someone's shoes... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:41 PM Flag
»
Exactly why a conservative, aged Supreme Court should not be making these decisions on womens rights, esp as it relates to our bodies. Not sure what an proper alternative is for these decisions, but a wider group with more relevant associations to the issue might be a start... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:44 PM Flag
»
Whether you're black or white on the issue, or somewhere in between, like me, you are passing a judgment. You're just on one extreme while I am more in the middle somewhere. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:52 PM Flag
»
Oxymoronic. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:53 PM Flag
»
Not at all. It's akin to saying that the death penalty should only be applied in extreme circumstances, which a lot of people would agree with. I think that abortion should only be resorted to in extreme circumstances. How does that not make sense to you? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 08:00 PM Flag
»
Because if you are delineating the circumstances in which abortion should be made available, then you are by definition NOT pro-choice. You can't say you're pro-choice but abortions should only happen when you think circumstances warrant it. That's precisely the stance of the pro-lifers/anti-choice people. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 08:07 PM Flag
»
Call us oxymoronic, but I still stand by my assertion that most of america are not so black and white. I'm a np, btw. But I also don't call myself a pro-choicer.....but I also don't call myself a pro-lifer. Somewhere in the middle. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 08:28 PM Flag
»
well, I think you can be pro-choice for other people but take a different approach for yourself. I do not judge others decision to have abortions, but I would have difficulty warranting one myself. I would encourage the OP to think about how she personally feels about abortion for her versus whether or not it is right or worng politically or socially or even morally. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:05 AM Flag
»
You are wrong, actually. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro-choice [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:23 PM Flag
»
^^^the 2nd and 6th paragraphs. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:28 PM Flag
»
No, she is saying that she judges those who make the choice in certain circumstances - but believes they have the right to choose. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 08:38 PM Flag
»
totally agree with this response - signed mom of 3 (3.5 yo, 2 yo and 5 mo) whose DH wasn't sure he wanted more than one and says I planned the other two pregnancies [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 08:14 PM Flag
»
DH doesn't sound like he's worth keeping if he's wanting his wife to have an abortion...a wife who would want the kid and would mourn the loss. I have to agree with the OR. EVERYONE I know who has had an abortion mourns the loss for years. It is one thing not to get pg b/c your DH doesn't want a 3rd, but it is a very different ball game to have an abortion. I think you'll end up divorced if you have an abortion. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:13 PM Flag
»
I mourn the loss - but think it would have been worse to have a child that would be resented [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:49 PM Flag
»
stop saying everyone regrets it when 3 people have said here that they do NOT. Are you the abortion seer who knows all [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 06:31 PM Flag
»
this happened to a work colleague of mine -- he was going in to schedule vasectomy and he and his wife found out she was pg with number 5! it all worked out fine, they are very happy (the kids are all two years apart) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:13 PM Flag
»
My cousin got pg after her DH had a vasectomy. They obviously didn't wait long enough and "clean the pipes" enough before having unprotected sex. They can't imagine their life without the "mistake." Yes, things are tighter; yes, cousin wept constantly (3 under 3) when they were young. They admit things were very hard, but never for a moment regret their 3rd. The 3rd and youngest is now 7. The family is a dynamic, fun blast to be around. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:17 PM Flag
»
It seems like you want it. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking. Don't do it. You won't be any better off because of it. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:29 PM Flag
»
[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:34 PM Flag
»
[ Removed by moderator ] [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:35 PM Flag
»
If you want this child, stick to your guns, you will grieve if you have an abortion [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:37 PM Flag
»
I was an "oops" baby. My parents had my brother and sister around 20 and then my mom got careless and didn't think anything would happen--she got pg with me at 37. My dad apparently was NOT HAPPY. Fast forward to this past weekend we all got together to celebrate their 60th wedding annivesary. I don't think anyone wishes I hadn't been there--and I know my big sis and I are closest in the whole family. I have no experience w/ pregnancy or abortion, so I can't help on that end. But just thought a "success" story might be helpful. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 07:57 PM Flag
»
well he should have made the appointment a long time ago! time to deal with it and grow up for him! you shouldn't have an abortion if you don't want one. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 08:18 PM Flag
»
Bottom line - you said it in your post: you "want the baby"! So, have the baby. Is he going to divorce you over this? Is he going to ignore this third child? if he is then you should be questioning why you married him. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 08:20 PM Flag
»
This was sort of us (without the vasectomy). DH didn't want #3, I did. We had her, and I love her, but there are still times (she's 4 now) when he says to me that it's harder to put up with her irritating behavior b/c he never wanted her. The frequency of those comments is decreasing as she gets older, but I know he has less patience with her (could be also b/c she is only girl and reminds him of his irritating mother). When I got pg. with #4 (please, no flames about better birth control use), I had an abortion. I do feel sad about it, but I know it would not have been fair to anyone to have had it. DH is not a mature person and the family would have borne the brunt of his anger and frustration. It was better for me to be realistic about our situation than to pursue my own fantasy of a large family. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 08:27 PM Flag
»
np: I think it's awful for him to talk like this about his daughter. I couldn't stay married to a man who behaved like this. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 08:40 PM Flag
»
ne more [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:28 AM Flag
»
Don't go through with the pregnancy. Not worth upsetting marriage. Also, 3 kids are tough -- IMO stop at 2 or go for 4 [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:30 AM Flag
»
huh? this is absurd. 3 kids is no better or worse then 4. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:48 AM Flag
»
I have a friend who had the baby and her marriage broke up and it was nasty and terrible for the children, but only we can decide. Have you told him? Some people change their minds when it happens. GL [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:33 AM Flag
»
You have to think that marriages that break up over this are probably headed for divorce anyhow. Some people just can't handle what life throws at them, and if it's not one thing, then it's another at some point. There's a lot of immature people out there it seems. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:16 PM Flag
»
I think that this is a serious issue that can cause resentment that was not there before. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:31 PM Flag
»
Totally agree, but that goes both ways. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:36 PM Flag
»
Absolutely [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:39 PM Flag
»
this is a tough one. I'm as pro-choice as they come, but when one wants the (conceived) baby, it's really hard for me to think that abortion is the right call. (Not the same situation, but DH has always been open to more kids; I definitely only wanted one; DH has been through chemo twice and we thought he was sterile, but I had an IUD anyway. When I got pg again, I felt like having another baby would be the end of the world. Now (even at very cranky 8 months pg), it totally seems right to me.) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:27 PM Flag
»
You get married to have a family. If he's pressing you to abort, I'd seriously reconsider his fitness as a father to his other children. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 04:48 PM Flag
»
I would go together to a counselor. just what I'd do... personally, I wouldn't do anything I didn't feel right about. good luck to you. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:39 PM Flag
»
wow, this is just like that HBO show, In Treatment! The couple..one wanted to have the baby, the other did not. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:40 PM Flag
»
never watched it. just seems like an impossible decision to make without talking everything through. sometimes that's hard without a therapist. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:43 PM Flag
»
We had 2 great dcs and at 41 I decided I wanted a 3rd dc to be part of our lives. DH was tought o convince but we did it and while I had to wait until I was 45 I now have 3 beautiful dcs and dh is in love with #3. He thanks me all time time. I'm lucky though because if I had "found" myself to be pg he would never have asked me to abort. He does not support abortion in most cases. gl. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:51 PM Flag
»
Please don't have the abortion. You're married. Maybe this child will be your best surprise ever. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 06:17 PM Flag
»
Since you are pregnant and he does not want another child why don't you see the pregnancy through and explore putting the baby up for adoption. When faced with that very viable option your husband may decide he is up for three or if not you will know that your child will be wanted and loved in an adoptive family. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.11.08, 07:11 AM Flag
»
DH here. I used to be like your husband. We had two children and I was done. My wife was not happy about it but we worked it out. Then we got a third. It was unplanned. After a couple of weeks of panic I got around and now with #3 almost 6 months old I have no regrets that we got a third. I did get snipped now, though. I guess I am saying is that your husband will work it out, too. Support him and let him know that everything will be okay. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.11.08, 08:03 AM Flag
»
your relationship is important too, and a huge part of your life. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking that into consideration. And I don't think not wanting 3 makes the dh a bad father. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.11.08, 08:11 AM Flag
»
I'm in the same boat, except my DH has threatened to leave if I don't have an abortion. What did you decide to do in the end? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 12.18.08, 12:14 PM Flag
»
hello, he can leave if he wants, but 20% of his paycheck will still get sent right back to that DC as child support...so his ultimatum is just dumb. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 12.18.08, 12:19 PM Flag
»
push him into what? you are already pregnant, all the pushing was already done. at this point, its your choice how to proceed. he's legally obligated to support the kid whether he stays or goes, likes it or not. but you gotta do what you think is right by your own heart. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 12.18.08, 12:18 PM Flag
Refresh » New Post »
Select Category
close [X]

close [X]

Select a Category (only 1)

category
Stages
Regions