UrbanBaby

07.09.08, 06:55 AM General Topics
11 replies

I need help/advice. DH and I seperated six months ago and started therapy. But it's a ridiculous sort of seperation. He leaves me alone with kids two nights (he stays with friend in city). The other nights he comes home and puts DS to bed (two kids, ages 2 and 9mo). He spends the weekends at house too. For a while stopped sleeping in bed but then told me he was trying to take steps to come back and so wanted to sleep in bed. We had major sex probs for many years and I was very depressed after my dad died. Now I am so angry at DH for abandoning me, basically that I am starting to question if I want to be with him. He tells me he loves me all the time and sends me romantic texts. I am like, if you love me, why do you need to spend five nights a week away from me? I wonder if he really wants to be a DH. It's like he likes the idea of it, the house in the burbs, but not the reality of it. He says the schedule we have "works for him." I dont know how much longer I can do this for and I am starting to feel so angry all the time. Therapy doesnt seem to be helping. Any advice? Whenever we talk ultamatums he gets uber defensive. Please help me with your wisdom. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.09.08, 06:55 AM Flag

Dear UrbanBaby community,

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UrbanBaby Support

If you still love him, do everything you can to make it work. You have young dc and have lost a parent, huge stressors in your life. STick with the therapy--both couples and individual if you can afford it. He did NOT abandon you. You are separated and it sounds like he is very much a part of your dc's life and still wants to be a part of yours. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 06:58 AM Flag

I agree. He really is not abandoning you - he's there and trying via therapy, etc. and spending time with kids. You have to think about it -- if you can make it through this some how it would probably be worth it. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:03 AM Flag

The fact is that no one person can fulfill all your needs. You need to modify your expectations of your spouse. We all do. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:19 AM Flag

No experience of this but I can see he has the perfect situation a family life when he want it and freedom when he wants it. This doesn't seem to have any advantages for you. Maybe you need a proper separation so you have a chance to work out how you really feel. Could you go away for a week or two for a break? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 06:58 AM Flag

So are you having sex? Were the sex problems yours or his? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:02 AM Flag

You need to have your own night out and staying with a friend while he does everything . [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:18 AM Flag

what a mess! in my view you're either "in" or "out" none of this in between business. What does your therapist say? are you a sahm? [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:22 AM Flag

Have him come home, now. Tell him you want this work (even if you don't/arent't sure...fake it). Hire a babysitter for every single week once per week, for a date night, just the two of you...this is cheaper than divorce and worth every penny.....I'm serious.....and probabably more useful than therapy, at this point. I saw how separation did not help my bro and sil....being together and making a decision to be married, nnot divorced, has been more effective, even if things are not perfect. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:31 AM Flag

^^^btw, you are making yourself think that you are "abandandoned" and dh does not perceive it this way. Move from this language and being emotional and depressed. Be active. "DH, it is time for us to be a couple and a family again. I need you in my life and I need you to be at home. I have a sitter for us on Friday nights so we can just have fun and go to the movies instead of hashing out our wounds. I've told our therapist that we are taking a break. I've made room for you in our evenings and at the dinner table and in our bed and at the breakfast table." [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:37 AM Flag

^^^^btw, my guess is that he hates commuting and doesn't want a suburban lifestyle atthis point, which doesn't mean he doesn't want you...don't personalize it. Dealing with that is your next step. And, my guess is he doesn't believe your "ultimatums" or he woudl either move home or the two of you would be in divorce proceeedings. Don't give an ultimatum on which you won't follow-through. Don't give any. But if he won't move home in thirty days, serve him with papers for divorce (worked for my sil). [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 07:40 AM Flag

I'm sorry, I have to correct you since this is a pet peeve -- sepArate. And I'm sorry about what you're going through. [ Reply | More

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General Topics 07.09.08, 08:04 AM Flag