< Return to Talk
07.08.08, 18:27 PM General Topics
104 replies
Everyone seems suspect of my claims that my 19 m/o (yes, the dvd player thrower) is a naughty toddler, somehow trying to pin the blame on my childrearing. even my own mom didn't believe--but then i went away for work and my mom (who raised 4 of us) came out to take care of her...and now she's a believer. she is constantly in awe of how difficult and strong-willed my dd is. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:27 PM Flag
 

Dear UrbanBaby community,

Thank you so much for being a valued member of the UrbanBaby community. We wanted to inform you that we are shutting down the site on July 6th. We are grateful for your participation and support that has helped make UrbanBaby such an important resource to parents for many years.

If you have any questions or concerns, you can email us at urbanbaby-support@cbsinteractive.com.

Thanks so much,

UrbanBaby Support

»
I'm a preschool teacher and couldn't believe how difficult my ds was at that age. He threw and hit woke up at 5 every morning- his 3 now and doing get- just keep plugging away it will get better! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:30 PM Flag
»
op: yes, dd hits us, throws anything she can get her hands on down the stairwell, has knocked over and broken every breakable item...we have only 1 breakable item left that is in danger (a glass lamp on the end table, which she climbs up onto to try to push off.) she refuses to go to sleep unless we all go to sleep. she will not let anyone help her, and that includes absolutely no hand-holding. pair that with the fact that she refuses to sit in her stroller AND she bolts into the street...every outing is a total nightmare. i try to hold her hand, she drops to the ground and pulls all sorts of wrestling evasion moves. it's insane. i've lost so much weight and have been constantly sick since she started walking when she was 1. i hope she's just hitting her terrible twos early? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:37 PM Flag
»
what do you do for time out? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:40 PM Flag
»
crib. it's absolutely the worst punishment for her, bc she co-sleeps w us and knows she's being punished if we put her in her room, in her crib. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:41 PM Flag
»
np: Of course she does. Why don't you have her sleep in her crib and use something not associated w/ sleep for time outs? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:44 PM Flag
»
easier said than done. she co-sleeps bc she is ultra-strong-willed. an example: she still bf's for comfort at night, to fall asleep (thus, the co-sleeping). i've been consulting w ped (who is pro-bf, btw), who actually is concerned abt how difficult it is to 'train' my dd. she told me just to cold turkey wean her. said 2 or 3 days would do the trick. i went away for work for 7 nights straight--she was fine when i was gone, but as soon as she was back in my arms, she was tearing at my shirt. she's even more attached to my boob than before. it's insane. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:49 PM Flag
»
Think about the fact that maybe she has too much control over you. My ds did at this age- I really had to crack down he was just so strong willed but the more I enforced the rules the better he got [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:44 PM Flag
»
np: what do you mean that she won't go to sleep unless you all to go sleep? she's 19 m.o. what is her bedtime? if your dh and you are going to bed at the same time as she is, you truly need to examine that part of your parenting. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:43 PM Flag
»
there is no way we can go to bed at 7p. we live nyc style. if the light is on in the other room, she can still see, even if she's in a dark room w closed door. even if we go to sleep w her, then if i sneak out to do some work--in the dark--she senses i'm not sleeping in the room, wakes up and comes looking for me. it's really getting miserable. i cannot have this child control THAT much of my life. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:46 PM Flag
»
That's ridiculous. She's a child. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:47 PM Flag
»
what's ridiculous? that i have absolutely no life bc of my dd, or that you think i'm being too selfish? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:50 PM Flag
»
That she's running the show. She's a child. It's not good for them to be in charge. They need boundaries. Even when it looks like they don't they want them, they do. It must be miserable for both of you right now. I'm sorry. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:00 PM Flag
»
yeah, it's going to be interesting to see how this personality translates when she gets older. will she be the class bossy girl? will she battle me big time when she's a tween? or will she just be really confident and independent...anyhow, it's making dh and i feel like only having 1 child, seriously. and we started out wanting multiple. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:04 PM Flag
»
np: I would speak to a child psychologist. She's terrorizing you. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:48 PM Flag
»
maybe re think co- sleeping. I love sleeping with my son but it can be too much together time! You need a break or you're going to lose it one day! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:49 PM Flag
»
that's why i asked. i don't think you are a bad parent but i think there are some books that could help you. i truly believe there are things you could do differently that would drastically improve your situation. i say that no to say "it's your fault" but "you have the power to change this - she should not have this much control over your life." [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:50 PM Flag
»
^start with "parenting a strong willed child." [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:51 PM Flag
»
will look into it, thanks. at least there are people willing to say there are such things as strong-willed children. when i tell some parents that i think my dd is strong-willed, they look at me like i have 2 heads. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:54 PM Flag
»
well, the past week or so, i'm trying to re-try the weaning. dh is putting her to sleep, and i am removing myself from the bed (sleeping on the couch) bc if i am in the bed, she wakes up to bf several times a night. if i'm on the couch, she wakes up a couple of times to find me, but at least sleeps better. baby steps. next we'll have to figure out--once she is weaned from me--how to get her back into her own room. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:53 PM Flag
»
I would stop using the crib for time out- If you ever want her to sleep there. start putting her to bed in there and then bring her in bed with you when she wakes up. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:55 PM Flag
»
yes, will try. in fact, we are just going to convert her crib to a toddler bed, so she has the option to get out should she wake up. i think she hates the crib bc it's a prison to her--again constraining her. i think there is a chance she'll actually sleep in her toddler bed. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:59 PM Flag
»
np: That really helped my DS - hated his crib. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:00 PM Flag
»
My ds hated his crib- I skipped the toddler bed and went right to double beds so he would have more room. Life got much better! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:07 PM Flag
»
yeah, i'm worried toddler bed is not wide enough bc she is used to flopping around our queen bed until she passes out. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:09 PM Flag
»
i'd def. go straight to a twin bed with a rail. we just moved our 2.4 y.o. and life is better over here. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:35 PM Flag
»
Actually, I don't think it's your parenting. But I was told by my ped that it's not just the number of hours a toddler sleeps - their internal clock works better if they get up with the sun and go to sleep with the sun. I thought he was full of shit, and then I changed DS's hours. It's been a miracle. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:34 PM Flag
»
Some kids are tougher than others and some ages are tougher than others. But slapping her hand will not help you one bit with her behavior. And I too am skeptical of the sleep schedule--I know a mom w/ the same deal. Kid stays up w/ the parents until 10 or 11. They miss out on a lot of activities because they don't get up until 10 or so. And the mom now is scrambling to figure out what to do about preschool's 9 a.m. start time in the fall. Just something to think about. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:35 PM Flag
»
i'll get to that road when i come to it. i don't think i'm going to start her in a 2's program anyhow--she'd probably not even interview well bc of her naughtiness and behavior. we are slowly moving up her sleep time (baby steps). used to be midnight to 11, now it's about 9.30-ish. no change in behavior, in fact it's getting worse. i really think it's her personality. she was colicky her first 3 months... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:41 PM Flag
»
Well, one way to think about it is that w/ a kid like that you really need a break at the end of the day. It sounds like she wants to be in control of things and a mini-adult. Having her up w/ you during the adult evening hours plays into that. Obviously if this is the deal she's used to she's not going down without a fight. But I have found the best approach is to stay very calm, speak very little and in a low, controlled voice. Keep the consequences simple & clear and related to the infraction and be incredibly consistent. One of my kids can be incredibly stubborn and difficult, so I'm not just coming down on you w/o having been there. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:43 PM Flag
»
ok, i guess i have to work on the keeping my voice low and controlled part, too. i am screaming loudly at her (which she laughs at.) also, when i don't say anything and just stare her down--she stares ME down. i can't believe it sometimes! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:57 PM Flag
»
My oldest can be really tough and if it's a week where I'm on my own with both kids and not getting much of a break I can snap. But I know that it never goes as well as keeping my cool. Sometimes w/ ds (my oldest) I simply get ultra calm & stop talking to him because I don't want to lash out, and I just go about putting him in TO or to bed early and that is very effective for him. He was v. tough for me, but at a later age than your DD. But giving in on the stuff that matters to me (like bedtime) just wasn't an option, in my mind. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:38 PM Flag
»
how would you discipline, say, climbing on furniture? that is what angers me the most, that she climbs dangerously on the furniture. i am constantly pulling her down and scolding her, but she just moves elsewhere to climb. it's really maddening. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:40 PM Flag
»
First of all--give her tons of appropriate places to climb. Sign her up for a gymnastics class. Take her to the park/playground A LOT to get all that physical energy out. Be clear with her that climbing is totally ok those places, not at home. But don't freak out on her. You walk in, she's on the table "no, we don't climb on the furniture" take her down. If she does it again, same speech but put her in TO (no screaming or slapping). Wash, rinse, repeat (til you're exhausted). Fix yourself a vodka tonic @ 5pm, fix dinner, start the wind-down to bed. Put her to bed--she gets up. First time say "it's time to sleep--you stay in bed." Next time don't say anything just walk her back. Over & over & over again til you think your head is going to explode. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:45 PM Flag
»
going to explode. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:46 PM Flag
»
we take her to playground 2 times a day, she has two 3-hour gym classes per week. i need to be consistent with the time out. we just started the crib time out. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:48 PM Flag
»
np: that's normal 19 m.o. behavior. my dd did it. you can't just tell her to get down. you have to move her and find a more entertaining alternative for her. that's the key - you have to come up with something better than whatever behavior is driving you crazy. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:46 PM Flag
»
that's the issue...we DO move her (along with telling her no, of course) but she's tenacious like a bull dog. the only thing that makes her stop is if we leave the apt all together. oh, or if we pop in a dvd, which i fear will become yet another crutch. so, leaving apt and dvd are alternatives--what else? she likes us to chase her... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:52 PM Flag
»
honestly - it sounds like you're making a lot of excuses. when she's up on the furniture do you get out some cars and play with her? do you put on some music and dance? there are many things you could do. you started the post with "people don't believe me" and you're right. she sounds like she needs more hands on consistent parenting. yes - she sounds demanding. but most 19 m.o. are. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:56 PM Flag
»
yes (toy bin, pulled out) yes, music together cd is turned on and i start dancing! i really, really do everything. as i said, that is why i've lost so much weight, am sick all the time. i really am giving it my 200% [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:59 PM Flag
»
^^ and i didn't even get into the food / feeding battles. everything is a battle. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:01 PM Flag
»
np: okay, the food thing. Get Ellyn Satter's Child of Mine: Feeding with Love and Good Sense and apply her approach. I don't even need to hear more on this one to know you need it. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:02 PM Flag
»
op: amazon.com. done. thx. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:05 PM Flag
»
^^ and when do you guys have time to read?? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:06 PM Flag
»
My kids are both in their beds by 7:30--plenty of time after that. Don't you want to go that route? I know she can be tough, but you need to dig in and do the tough work now (stand up to her) so you're not having it much worse later. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:07 PM Flag
»
this is another post in itself: how do you move a bedtime from 9.30 to 7.30? she's down to 1 sometimes 2 naps, 1st nap is 11.30a to 12.30 or 1...2nd nap is 3-5 or 4-6, depending on when she has classes... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:11 PM Flag
»
It would probably be good for her to have a totally consistent schedule every day. I have no idea how to move a bedtime from that late because well before a year both of mine were going to bed by 7--I knew that was the goal and we went from there. I remember reading "start as you mean to go on" in Baby Whisperer and it made a big impression on me. I want them in their own beds. I want them to fall asleep on their own. I want them to pick up their things, clear the table, what have you. It's no like they can do that as babies, but you keep it in mind as you go along instead of getting side tracked by what's easiest in the moment. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:13 PM Flag
»
she's 19 mo, wakes up at 10 and then needs a nap at 11:30? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:25 PM Flag
»
Yeah, right? Goofy kind of a schedule. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:28 PM Flag
»
Aha! The second nap is too late. Can you maybe consolidate naps, so she goes down at 12:30 and sleeps until 3? I hear your pain and it does sound like you are trying. Some people really don't understand what it's like to have a difficult sleeper/eater or a child who likes to run around when the other kids are sitting. It's always easier to blame the parent. I do agree that you have to take control and if it means she screams in the crib because you put her down for a nap/bed earlier, then so be it. You NEED your alone time in the evening and it will make you a happier and therefore happier/calmer mother. Good luck. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 04:41 AM Flag
»
^ good advice. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 05:56 AM Flag
»
thank you for your understanding and advice! btw, fyi, i tried hard to play with her more, to preempt what i have concluded are attn-getting naughty antics...and it worked! she was an angel yesterday bc i really dedicated play time with her (rather than multitasking and half-paying attn to her.) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 08:16 AM Flag
»
^^and you say be consistent...i feel like i'm stuck in groundhog's day! you are telling me to put in more effort, it seems, but i cannot figure out how much more to put in. this hour on UB has been my only non-dd time all day, on dh's orders. i really will try what people suggest--stop yelling, tell her no in a calm voice, put her in a corner...i know, though, it will take me 100 x longer and 1000 x more NOs than the avg parent of a 19 m/o. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:04 PM Flag
»
my son is the same exact way, he is now 9 months. i try everything but i can not even put him down for 1 min he starts yelling and crying. i cant even crap anymore. he terrorizes me. i believe you! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:22 PM Flag
»
what kind of activities is a toddler missing out on at 10 in the morning? are parents taking their kids to early-morning tai chi these days? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 09:32 PM Flag
»
Playdates & playgroups (in this other mom's case). Classes, story time, co-op preschool. Sure, if that schedule REALLY works for someone great. But the mom I know with that schedule thinks it's fine but has a sleep consultant. And this mom here sounds like she has no clue how to manage. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 09:47 PM Flag
»
I posted below -- I have a 19 m/o too, and she is not naughty per se -- just very high spirited and strong willed. It's a miracle more stuff of ours hasn't been wrecked, honestly. You have my sympathy. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:38 PM Flag
»
OP: dd used to be just high-spirited and strong-willed...she's sweet about 25% of the day, and happy as a clam as long as she is not constrained or controlled in any way. however, 75% of what she does is dangerous exploration or just being a PITA, so unfortunately, we have to constrain/control her movements (like hold her hand while walking, pull her off from the rocking chair arm that she stands on, etc) and that is when WWIII, WWIV, WWV break out... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:44 PM Flag
»
np: okay, so what happens if you're out walking & you need her to hold your hand? She refuses and then what? I mean the logical consequence is "you can hold my hand or get picked up or ride in the stroller." When she balks then put the consequence into action immediately (with her having an exorcist like fit & people staring at you--whatever) and then just go along. Do this often enough and she might figure out she doesn't like the consequence and she [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:45 PM Flag
»
np: The exorcist analogy is spot-on. I used to have to wrestle DS into the stroller, and he would buck at the straps like he was possessed. But I finally broke him - he knew the consequences of not holding hands! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:47 PM Flag
»
np: i've had to do that for my dd since she could walk. "hold my hand or i will carry you." and yes - she kicks, screams and injures me if i pick her up and she doesn't want me to. and yes, it's embarrassing. but i've done it long enough that at 2.5 those incidents are few and far between now. but at 17 months they were pretty frequent. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:53 PM Flag
»
ok, good to know...it will get better. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:10 PM Flag
»
oh, we do this all the time. i grab her hand / arm, she drops to her knees or 4s. i pick her up when she doesn't get up, put her in stroller after massive battle--and even if it's tightened all the way (bugaboo), she manages to wriggle out and stands up screaming and crying her head off while i'm pushing her. then have to stop and do it all over again. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:08 PM Flag
»
here is the thing: when you say no - do you truly mean it? is there an immediate consequence to her behavior every single time? parenting a strong willed toddler is not about giving in to keep the peace. it's about keeping her world small enough to limit her chances to have that behavior and giving consistent consequences when the behvior occurs. i'm not saying she's not a difficult child but her being difficult means you have to be more on top of things than most parents. it doesn't mean saying "oh well- we let her stay up b/c she puts up such a fuss." [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:49 PM Flag
»
yes, i do mean it each time i say no. i scold so often, i worry that it seem just like normal talking to her...which is why i've started including crib time outs to the scolding. scolding always includes stern speaking (ok, yelling). a hand slap if it's really bad (now, she runs away before i can slap her hand and she faux-slaps herself--so i know she knows it's bad.) recently, my scolding also includes me breaking down in tears--which is one of the only things that makes dd stop and be sweet and remorseful. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:15 PM Flag
»
What fun things do you do with her. It sounds like your in a negative cycle. She may think that it is normal to behave badly have mommy yell and scream then move on to the next bad thing. She only one for goodness sakes she shouldn't be able to reduce mommy to tears. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:18 PM Flag
»
when we go to the park (or, rather, when we make it to the park) we have a lot of fun. at home, it is difficult all day long. i usually am reduced to tears 'only' at home. i actually think she has fun pushing my buttons. she even has developed this smirk that says, 'they said no, so i'm definitely going to do it!' i just hope this phase passes before cold weather comes back! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:21 PM Flag
»
^^also, bed time has become a super fun and sweet ritual for all 3 of us (though i missed it tonight bc dh told me to stay out of the pic after i gave her her time out.) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:24 PM Flag
»
^^OP: AHHH! I just had an epiphany!! 'the 3 of us...' she is the sweetest little girl when we 3 are doing things together. her bad, destructive behavior happens when we're doing other things (work, keeping house, etc.) It's her way of getting our attention. it doesn't apply to not holding hands while walking, but i think 99% of the bad stuff happens when we're not totally focused on her as a familial unit! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:28 PM Flag
»
it may be fun pushing your bottons but no toddler likes to have mommy angry all the time- think about it. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:26 PM Flag
»
i am thinking about it. so why does she do it all day long, then? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:29 PM Flag
»
^^ oh, and putting her to bed is actually one of the easier things in life these days. as long as we all take her to bed, she happily climbs in and will soon fall asleep (the only problem being that if i take her to bed, she wants to bf.) [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:16 PM Flag
»
I like you. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:17 PM Flag
»
op: i do mean it when i say no, i do dole out consistent consequences. getting her to sleep is not at all a battle. it's her behavior during the day and damaging furniture, running away from us, etc. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:23 PM Flag
»
np--yet, you said she co-sleeps and bfs because she is "too strong willed" to do otherwise. she doesn't fight at bedtime because you are doing exactly what she wants. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:31 PM Flag
»
well, co-sleeping and bf'ing are the least of my worries at this point. in fact, it is one of the sweet times of day...i am just uncomfortable about how unweanable she seems. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:34 PM Flag
»
^^also, just about everything else is a battle with her. i don't want absolutely everything to be a battle. i want to have sweet time with my child. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:35 PM Flag
»
I've read through the whole post and you don't seem to want to make any serious changes. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:38 PM Flag
»
i've asked several times, but everyone seems fixated on the least of my concerns (bedtime). i am most concerned about how she keeps doing dangerous things (climbing on furniture, pulling away from us when walking). we scold and discipline and remove her and move her...she i like whack-a-mole / broken record. how do you discipline that in an effective way? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:43 PM Flag
»
ITA with the poster above. in order to not make everything be a battle, give her some control over smaller issues and just focus on the major ones (safety) where she must cooperate. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:46 PM Flag
»
^^the poster below. you are the one that brought up bedtime. So she climbs on furniture--in a stern voice say "No, that's dangerous" and move her. she goes to do it again, be the broken record and sit with her for a minute or so. Keep repeating or distract her by doing something she is allowed to do. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:50 PM Flag
»
she easily calms down when i pop in a dvd. however, i fear getting her addicted to dvds. at this point, they actually have been beneficial, encouraging her to speak...and she's learning to count. but, is this a bad crutch? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:58 PM Flag
»
so you're rewarding her behavior with a dvd? If she refuses to be distracting, then you may have to physically prevent her from engaging in the dangerous behavior. not by slapping her, but maybe by sitting on the floor and hugging her so she can't move (like a time out, with you). [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:04 PM Flag
»
ok, this i will try. the TO hug. i DO remove her physically, but i will also pin her down w a TO hug and tons of kisses. good suggestion. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:07 PM Flag
»
yes, the kisses will do the trick. you are obviously not kissing her enough. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:09 PM Flag
»
LOL. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:29 PM Flag
»
np: no, not kisses--you're rewarding the negative behavior again. A TO hug would be firm hold, facing away from you, until she calms down. Works for some kids. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:11 PM Flag
»
lol--from the poster above you. this has got to be a fake post. she can't be that clueless, can she? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:14 PM Flag
»
I don't think so. There is a mom from my ds's kinder class last year that reminds me of this. "Ohhhh, he's so unhappy in the a.m. It's so hard to get to school on time. He just fights me on it. What should I do? Should we just be late and happy?" What the hell? If I can get my two VERY spirited kids ready & to school early every day by myself, then someone w/ one kid should be able to reasonably manage. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:16 PM Flag
»
I guess you have a point. after she posted about the kissing, I felt like I was talking to a wall. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:20 PM Flag
»
Well, yeah, I get that feeling too. The mom who can't get to kinder on time has one kid, part-time. I think it's almost like it's harder w/ just the one because you obsess so much about it all. Through another kid into the mix and you get more efficient and practical. But the slapping the hand thing--that really made me wonder. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 08:23 PM Flag
»
np: i slap my dc on the wrist. i don't think there is anything wrong with that. i've been reading the entire thing. people are totally black and white on the disciplining thing, and i can relate to how a parent can wonder what is the right thing/wrong thing when people are telling you to discipline harder on the one hand, while others follow the gentle route. it's confusing and hard, especially if you have a strong-willed child. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 09:31 PM Flag
»
I have a strong-willed child. I am not a pushover. But seriously, slapping does what exactly? It just doesn't make any sense to me. I do get that parenting is hard and when you have a particularly challenging kid you may have no idea what will work, what to do. But surely there are other things to try first? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 09:49 PM Flag
»
IMO, Kids like this need a lot of structure (posted in bit above about my oldest--very strong-willed). I totally get wanting the sweet time you have "putting her to bed" (it's more like her putting you to bed) but it's all of a piece. Her demanding to be bf, demanding to co-sleep, having the late bedtime, not "letting" you stay up after her. Think about how that sounds. She is running everything--very scary for her. If you start putting in tons of structure and consistency for her (and for goodness' sake, stop slapping her hand) she is going to fight you tooth & nail at the start, but it will get much better than going down the road you are on. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:42 PM Flag
»
so, how do you discipline bad actions if you suggest not to slap? stern voice definitely does not do it alone. crib definitely works. should i time her out in crib and stop the hand slap? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:46 PM Flag
»
Stop the hand slap now. What do you think it accomplishes? Nothing. Low, stern voice (not hysterical voice). Remove her, redirect. If that doesn't work, then remove her from the room/situation to TO. NOT the crib--a TO step or mat or chair would be fine. She will get up. Put her back. Do it the same way--same words, actions--every time. Kids like this really need to know that there is no crack or loop hole or alternative. But the biggest thing is give her lots of ways to be successful (like gymnastics) to begin with. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:50 PM Flag
»
would it be bad to give her TO by putting her in our bedroom and closing the door? is it bad to close a door on a toddler? [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:55 PM Flag
»
Be sure to give her positive reinforcement as well. When she uses self- control praise her. I forget this sometimes and find I'm always angry at ds- he's so little but makes me sooo mad sometimes. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 06:58 PM Flag
»
thanks for reminder...i'm actually very good at this. i'm so conscious and scared about how angry i get, i am very diligent about emphasizing the thank you's and 'good girl!' and doling out hugs--if only to calm my blood! [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.08.08, 07:18 PM Flag
»
I totally disagree with these posts. Your child id not your enemy, she just has a very strong need for autonomy (and has very little of it, being a toddler, and a mainsteam-parented one at that). She sounds like a born leader who will have the will to do whatever she wants to in life, if her spirit is not broken. How wonderful! And difficult. Read _Raising Your Spirited Child_ by Mary Kurcinka and _The Explosive Child_ by Ross Greene. These are *great* resources. Good luck... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.09.08, 12:23 AM Flag
»
omg. you are an angel. the other posts were making me feel like shit, in part bc our family (and dh, me, db as individuals) doesn't work well when we try to follow mainstream advice...when i look at it, we are actually most content when--as you pointed out--we let her have autonomy...BUT, i discovered a key thing yesterday: i need to integrate that with actually dedicating attn and playtime with her, rather than just multitasking or letting her play on her own. yesterday, she was an angel bc i was paying more attn to her, which actually allowed me to have a bit more of me-time because she was content, rather than thinking of ways to get my attn! i know she marches to her own drum, i definitely don't want to break her spirit, bc when she's not being naughty, she's amazing. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 08:20 AM Flag
»
Me again! Thanks for posting back. I actually think I have a similar dd to yours, but she is younger than your dd... I may need to heed my own advice here soon! (I just happen to have read a lot of very wise mothers' words who have met similar challenges using a partnership, rather than a top-down approach, and am attempting to pass down some of that wisdom). There's a lot to be said for following your own gut instincts; glad this resonated with you... [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:18 PM Flag
»
As we raised our almost six year old it was all I could do to not sit my other parent friends down and try and teach them my way of parenting. My kid was so good it was obvious that I knew -- innately -- the better way to parent. I held my tongue. Early on I learned at UB, "Don't criticize how other people parent." But minding my piece was difficult. I thought, maybe I should write a book. Then fate gave us #2. Raising this kid has made me painfully aware of how good and easy #1 is. I am humbled. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 08:37 AM Flag
»
That second kid gives you a lot of perspective, right? My first (I posted about him above in this thread) is very strong-willed and challenging. I won't go into what potty training was like, but a pure nightmare and I felt like a complete failure. DD came along and is so very easy in many ways. Potty trained herself at age 2. It helped me see that a lot of what happens w/ my kids is their temperments and not anything great or awful that I'm doing. That said, I still know how I like things to go for our family and home and I do stick by that. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:23 PM Flag
»
I have a spirited 19 mo ds as well. I disagree with you the that bedtime issue is irrelevant. If anything, an earlier bedtime will give you back your sanity. On difficult days, this is my only saving grace. My ds sleeps in a crib in a sleep sack so that she cannot climb out. We CIO when necessary, but it rarely is as if there is one thing we have been extremely consistent with, it's her bedtime routine. She loves to climb on furniture, resists the stroller and also refuses to hold our hand. However, I have seen improvements on all three fronts in the past few weeks simply because we have not allowed her to run the show. I NEVER yell at her or use physical punishment. All that does is give her the power. Even if I am at my wits' end, I keep the upper hand. If she needs to take a fit, I let her and I don't react. She is very persistent about things that she wants. We are dealing with a lot of tantrums, but we don't let her win. And often, the best way to deal is to just give her some attention and fun. Making her laugh and playing games with her and reading to her makes her forget whatever she was crying for and helps turn around her mood. Good luck! I can only imagine what you are going through. [ Reply | More
]
General Topics 07.10.08, 05:51 PM Flag
Refresh » New Post »
Select Category
close [X]

close [X]

Select a Category (only 1)

category
Stages
Regions