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07.08.08, 12:22 PM Toddler
46 replies
I finally got pregnant after trying for a long time (fertility treatments). Dh was never too much into it, it was never the most romantic relationship but he stuck with me. Lately he was acting weird, and one night he came back a bit drunk, told me he never really wanted the baby (we never thought it would work), wasn't happy, did it for me, etc. I was shocked, promised him I would try to make it work. I suspect that he has someone else, and maybe he's not telling me, he is pn his blackberry all the time, and one night I thought I saw makeup on his face, but he denied. I admit, I am not the most outgoing or social person and he used to be. Should I confront him? he is not into the pregnancy too much, I asked him if he would love the baby and he said he would, but it seems like he is going forward becasue he feels bad for me. [ Reply | Watch | Flag ]
Toddler 07.08.08, 12:22 PM Flag
 

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Honestly, it sounds like he isn't that into having a baby and he is having an affair. Would he go to therapy with you? I really think that's the best idea. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:26 PM Flag
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he would not do therapy. honestly, I think he is not happy with me. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:31 PM Flag
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yikes. I don't know what to tell you. Did you know he was lukewarm on the issue before the fertillity tx? I think you have a right to know if he is seeing someone else, but maybe you don't want to know. I think it will be bad for your child to have a dad who just isnt that into it. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:26 PM Flag
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op - I was talking to him about that, was stupid enough to say I would abort, I didn't mean it and of course he said no. I may have given him an impression I wanted to have a child so much, and I guess he wanted to give me what I wanted. He said he would lvoe him or her, but I know he has that sense of responsibility towards me... [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:29 PM Flag
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separate the two issues- you and the baby will be fine with him or without him. Then work on your relationship with him- he may just be really scared of the whole transition to fatherhood. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:27 PM Flag
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He said our relationship was about loyalty and not about love. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:30 PM Flag
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ouch. he sounds kind of mean. and you need to up your self-esteem 10000%. you sound like you think it's your fault. from what you have told us, it isn't. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:32 PM Flag
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op - I never put too much effort, I guess I was busy with the baby issues. I enver asked him. I planned to stop working, asked him maybe we should buy an apartment and he convinced me that we shouldn't. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:33 PM Flag
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I would just get a divorce now and get it over with. sounds like you guys are not meant to be. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:43 PM Flag
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op - I am scared. I was very emotionally dependant on him. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:48 PM Flag
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that might be part of your problem - he might not be able to deal with your dependance. Have you tried counseling? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:00 PM Flag
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op - I am starting to feel so, after that fight we have. I feel like he is with me because he feels bad for me, but not becausue he wants to, like it's a job for him. I only realized it lately. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:09 PM Flag
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it sounds like you have a lot going on, and getting some help dealiing with it, talking it through, would be helpful (I mean outside of UB). Your NEED to have a child may be difficult for your dh to take, as his seeming uninteresteness is difficult for you. There are probably a lot of things he's thinking/worried about that you cant imagine at this point. Try to talk about it, if that doesn't work you need to get some help [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:13 PM Flag
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Op - I will. I tried, and it turned out to that fight when he told me he wasn't happy, didn't love me, only been loyal, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:14 PM Flag
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well then you need help [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:15 PM Flag
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NP - she needs to get her confidence back and get a divorce. Even if he is not cheating on her, he is obviously not into her or the baby or their life. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:16 PM Flag
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He may be scared and have other issues he needs to figure out. I don't see divorce as the ideal solution but they need to work on it and try to find out what the real issue is [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:17 PM Flag
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Np - if dh even wants to [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:17 PM Flag
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I loved Juno! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:33 PM Flag
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me too! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:34 PM Flag
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Did he come with you to the fertility treatment appointments? I can't imagine what kind of man does that without actually wanting the child, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:46 PM Flag
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op - he did, but never seemed to be into it too much. When they failed and I was miserable, he was there for me but never looked sad. And he didn't seem excited when I got pregnant. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:47 PM Flag
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You're making him sound like a sociopath. But I'm guessing things were a little less clear while they were happening. Did you discuss the future while all this was going on? Each cycle that failed would have me and DH discussing what our threshold was, other options, what our marriage could take. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:51 PM Flag
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op - I guess I just wanted to go on. After the 3rd one failed we had a fight, he didn't want to. I wanted to, we did and this one worked. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:59 PM Flag
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Well, this child will be a huge blessing for you, regardless of what happens with your marriage. It's possible that the stress just got to him, that he will rebound once he starts seeing sonograms, your belly growing, etc. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:01 PM Flag
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is money an issue in this (ft are expensive)? That might be partly driving him away. You guys need to have counseling [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:02 PM Flag
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Op - he never said money was the issue. He was never into having kids, but it's hard for me to imagine that he was doign all that and NOT WANTING it to work. He seemed shocked when we found out I was pregnant. He is not too affectionate, doesn't touch my belly, doesn't make plans ahead, when I talk about shopping he just nods. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:05 PM Flag
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I think there is a LOT your dh ISN'T saying - you need to allow him to be shocked (many dh's are, they don't bond with the baby until it is born, remember it is growing inside you), but also address any other issues their might be. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:06 PM Flag
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op - I just fear that it's about me, not the baby. Like the baby adds more issue, monetary issues, especially if he has someone else. He said he would love it, but he never said he would love *me* or happy about us as a family. Afetr he said he was not happy, I told him he could go out more - he did that, came back wasted, like I released him from a cage. We don't do too much, and it seems like he doesn't want to come home to me or spend too much time together. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:11 PM Flag
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np: Why not do more with him? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:12 PM Flag
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op - I don't mind, but we do not share too many interests. Frankly, I don't mind staying home, and watch TV. But really, if it's about not wanting to be with me, doing more isn't going to help [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:13 PM Flag
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I disagree - you are feeding the whirlpool down the drain. Spending time together and enjoying things together could pull you out. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:16 PM Flag
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op - but what if he can't enjoy it with me? if he doesn't love me? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:19 PM Flag
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You won't know until you try. If you are pulling away because you are assuming how he feels, you are only making things worse. Fertility treatments can really bring out the worst in people, it's so very hard - try and see if that's what's really going on. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:21 PM Flag
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It sounds like that is an excuse - he wouldn't have stood by you all this time if there wasn't love there. Just give it some time and try to work on your relationship. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:21 PM Flag
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you need to make an effort to spend time together - you're a partnership, not supposed to be "letting" him go out. Have you been strict in the past? It sounds like your dependence on him is hard for him to handle- do you have any family/friends you can confide in sometimes and let him have a little less burden from you? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:14 PM Flag
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op - I don't have too many friends, basically my mom and sister. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:16 PM Flag
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well, talk to them. But it sounds like you're very co-dependent on your husband and that may not be something he can handle. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:17 PM Flag
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Op - maybe. it does feel like he has been "taking care" of me. I haven't been a partner or a friend. Just the wife trying to get pregnant. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:18 PM Flag
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Sounds like you've hit upon the problem right there. Try to make an effort to be a partner and friend - and watch and see if it helps him change. and many men don't get excited about their babies until they're born, that is very normal [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:20 PM Flag
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Np - she can't be someone she isn't. What, going out to a movie will make him love her? [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:17 PM Flag
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np: No, but sitting around sulking and never wanting to leave the house could make him perhaps fall out of love. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:19 PM Flag
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np - and maybe it's too late. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:20 PM Flag
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That's what I was wondering. It can be such a grueling process and every step of the way you're reasserting your desire for a child. OP I'm sorry--he sounds like a jerk. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 12:51 PM Flag
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OP - he has been with me through hard times, I can't imagine him doing me a favor, bur recently I don't know anymore. [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 01:00 PM Flag
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He is scared s***less and that is all. I am sure he will be a great father once the baby comes. It is not only a cinamatic cliche about the scared father. I think he is doing the honorable thing and I am sure he loves you. He just feels ambivalent but still did not want you to abort. Hang in there and it will all work out! [ Reply | More
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General Topics 07.08.08, 07:21 PM Flag
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